"I can't do this anymore."
"I can't do this anymore."
"I can't do this anymore."
The words played on repeat in Henry's mind as he briskly made his way across campus to his 12:30 lecture. He hadn't pressed her for an explanation. He hadn't pried a meaning out of her. Instead, he only gripped her hand tighter and rested their conjoined hands against her steadily rising and falling stomach.
Doubting the strength of their marriage and their family seemed useless. Though they had their tiffs, he knew their 25-year marriage could be characterized as nothing other than solid.
Was she referring to the job? Life in Georgetown? Life at all?
He shied away from the last thought nervously. He didn't even want to consider something so drastic. For now, the most he could hope for was for Elizabeth to open herself up to him and expose her deepest fears of the moment. Hopefully she would be ready to talk sooner rather than later.
He entered the oversized lecture hall, resting his briefcase on the desk as he quickly arranged his materials and prepared for the next hour. Before beginning, however, he quickly and discreetly pulled out his phone, texted a short "I love you" to his wife, and prayed for an opening in both their schedules that would allow the two to meet before ungodly hours of the morning.
To his surprise, Elizabeth managed to walk through the door only an hour after he had gotten home. He stood in the kitchen, preparing dinner, when he heard the front door creak closed.
"Babe? Is that you?" He called.
She trudged through the open doorway, her face absorbing each exhausting day. "Hey." She smiled softly, accepting a gentle peck and wrapping an arm around his back. Simply standing by his side seemed to erase the hardship of the day behind her; she suddenly questioned whether or not she had spoken too rashly the previous night.
She glanced over his shoulder to see Allison and Jason finishing up their homework at the table, each in their own bubble of temporary frustration. She ran a palm down the side of Henry's arm, giving his wrist a tight squeeze before resting her forehead on his shoulder.
She never wanted to move from this spot, from his arms. She had spent a better part of her childhood without a safe space in which to retreat. College appeared to be more of the same; that is until she met Henry. He had immediately become her solace, her comfort, her home. Suddenly, nothing scared her when she was with him. Nothing seemed impossible or intolerable, because she knew she could make it through anything with his hand holding hers.
It only served to confuse the thoughts running rampant across her mind.
Before moving from his embrace, she place a lazy kiss upon the loose fabric covering his arm. "I'm going to go change." She managed, reluctantly letting her fingers slide from his wrist.
"Okay," he mirrored her soft tone. "Dinner will be done in a few minutes." She nodded carrying her heels up the stairs in one hand, and her blazer slung over the other arm.
Henry had to force himself to look away as she ascending the staircase. The past months had drained her. Suddenly, the portrait of her exhausted body climbing the stairs became too much for him to witness.
As the kids helped him set the table and portion out dishes, he subtly urged them to try and be civil toward one another. Their mother was stressed, and he wanted her to be able to enjoy a relaxing family dinner without her younger two children spoiling the calm he sought to provide her.
Moments later, Elizabeth returned to the kitchen, sporting her favorite lounge pants and one of Henry's old Marine Corps crewnecks that seemed to drown her petite frame more than usual. She sent her family a small smile before kissing both children on the head and taking her seat at the dinner table.
"Tell me about your day!" she immediately shifted her gaze to Jason, hoping there was something positive he could tell her to ease her mind of the stress surrounding every other facet of her life.
He begrudgingly humored his mother, grasping for anything above subpar and disappointing that he could use to appease her.
Allison quickly jumped in when she saw her brother struggling to find an adequate event detailing his day. She, however, was able to reflect upon her day at school, project she had completed, and papers she had aced.
Though looking in, the dinner would have appeared normal, each member felt their own strain of awkward confusion filling the room. Henry jumped at every opportunity to fill the silence, praying the kids didn't feel the heartache and discomfort that he did.
As each cleared their plates, Allison and Jason began to clean up, remaining silent as the headed into the kitchen to wash and dry the dishes. Elizabeth met her husband's gaze from across the table, finally letting her façade of bravery crumble.
She loved her family exponentially more than she would ever love a job. She and Henry had created an environment of love that she wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Dinner should have been an escape from her thoughts. She should have been able to reconnect with her children. Spending precious time with them was always a light to refresh her in her deepest moments of fatigue. Tonight, however, she didn't feel an ounce of rejuvenation. If it were possible, she felt even more spent.
Discreetly, she maneuvered to the staircase, sliding silently up to the closure of her bedroom. Henry thanked the children for their help cleaning the table as he noticed her slide past the refrigerator, retreating quickly. He placed his plate in the sink before quietly following after her.
He entered the darkened room to find her lying on the windowsill, staring out the window at the fresh blanket of snow that had covered the ground. He mentally sighed, it seemed even the ground had means of protection, yet his Elizabeth was left feeling like an open target.
"Hey baby." He gently kissed her forehead before settling in behind her. She squeezed his hand in lieu of speaking, afraid the dam would break if she did. She spent a slow minute focusing on the sound of his breath behind her ear and the sensation of his heart pounding against her spine.
"I wasn't present with the kids." She whispered. "They have always been a light in the craziness of this job, but I couldn't shut off my mind."
"I think they were just ecstatic that you were home before sundown."
"I was too…" she trailed off, contemplating her desire to continue the thought. "I just can't shake the feeling that something terrible is going to happen to me. Juliet knows where I stand… She has connections that apparently run deeper than mine…" She could feel the tension rise within her. She knew the thought wasn't extremely logical; she also knew that it was completely plausible, though. She was living within the aftermath.
"What are you saying?" He asked nervously, staring out the window to the yard below.
"I'm saying, If I'm not safe surrounded by my detail, where am I safe?"
It was then the full magnitude of the situation hit him. Her anxiety, her frustration all culminated in the exposure of her true fear. "Henry, I can't stand by idly and let something happen to our family."
He slid his hands further around her waist, resting opposite hands on opposite hips and pulling her into is chest. "I can't stand by idly and let something happen to you and our children." The room fell silent as she twisted her body deeper into his embrace, letting his breath lull her into superficial relaxation.
"I want to go back to UVA." She finally spoke, surprising Henry when she did. "You can go back to the theology department; I can teach some political science courses. We can return to the bucolic life..."
He placed a gentle kiss upon the crown of her head, taking in every aspect of the moment. He was willing to stand with this woman, the love of his life until the very last day. He was willing to travel to the ends of the earth for her, and he was most certainly determined to keep his darling wife and precious children safe.
"Is that what you want?"
She sighed, a single tear betraying her strength. "I don't know. I just know that I can't live this life of public service anymore."
A/N: Ooh, things are heating up in Georgetown... Thank you so, so much for your kind reviews. You'll never know how much inspiration and and willingness to continue they give me! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know your thoughts!
