PART VI: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
About four and a half months into Darcy's voluntary confinement in the Hulk Basement, she was making sandwiches for her and Bruce when the 'Avengers Assemble' alarm thing went off.
Darcy turned off the alarm, turned on the TV, and settled on the couch to watch. Knowing that Bruce wasn't going to be down, she ate his sandwich too.
There was an army of giant robots attacking Brooklyn. Because of course there was.
Darcy sighed. "JARVIS, mute the TV and start playing the She Hulk Lewis Playlist, please."
So long as she had her tunes, she'd probably be able to watch this without hulking out.
Probably.
-l-
She was wrong. She was totally going to hulk out.
Some kind of pulse ray thing had messed up Iron Man's suit, and his power kept flickering on and off, effectively grounding him since it would be stupid to fly that way. Hawkeye had fallen off a building, Captain America's arm looked broken, no one knew where Black Widow was, and Man Hulk was surrounded by so many robots that even he looked overwhelmed.
Her head pulsing, green bleeding into her eyes, Darcy marched toward the door of the Hulk Basement.
This wasn't the first time she'd been pushed to a hulk out by watching the Avengers on TV, but this time was different. Fear was her trigger, yes, but up until this moment, it had always been fear for herself that turned her mean and green. She feared being alone, hurting people, Bruce getting tired of her; a few times while watching the news, she had freaked that SHIELD was going to expect her to join the Avengers in whatever craziness they were doing and she'd wake up five days later three states away with people parts jammed between her toes.
But this time? This time she was afraid for her friends.
"JARVIS, I'm about an inch from hulking out. I need you to clear the way so that I don't hurt anyone or break the tower too much."
"Protocol is to keep you confined to the tower, Miss Lewis."
"JARVIS!" Darcy protested, her voice already deepening into She Hulk's low alto.
"… I will see to it that the way is clear, ma'am."
Darcy nodded, then stripped her shirt and pants off, looking down at the black sports bra and spank shorts the Science Sisters had given her to wear under her clothes just that morning. Here was hoping that the latest Hulk Wear Prototypes held up to the girls.
After that, Darcy faded out to grey.
-l-
She Hulk stood in a shiny room. Little puny people were screaming and running. Screaming hurt She Hulk's ears, so she covered them with her hands.
Then she noticed that she had pretty shiny black clothes. Clothes that matched her hair. Where was Man Hulk? Or Thor Thor? She would show them her clothes and let them call her pretty.
"Hidey Talky," She Hulk called. "Where Man Hulk? Where Thor Thor?"
Hidey Talky always knew everything.
"Man Hulk and Thor are with the other Avengers, fighting in the streets," a cool, accented voice told She Hulk. That was Hidey Talky.
A moving picture of Man Hulk and Thor Thor and Little Glow Tony and Bluecap popped up in the air. They were being smashed! No one should smash them!
She Hulk roared at the picture, and swatted at it, but her hand went straight through.
"Hidey Talky! She Hulk smash!"
"Turn to the right, and follow the hall until you see the doors that lead outside. Once you are outside, follow the sounds of… smashing. That is where they are. Do not hurt any of the little people on the way. Darcy would be very upset. Darcy would be scared."
She Hulk nodded. "No scare Darcy. Good Hidey Talky!"
Then she dropped to all fours and took off at a lope.
-l-
It did not take so long to find the team. She Hulk followed the sounds of smashing, just like Hidey Talky said, and she tried hard not to squish any little puny people or their little puny things. But she wasn't sure what she should smash. Should she smash robots that were smashing team? She wanted to smash the robots, but She Hulk was smart, and she remembered the time she had wanted to smash Arrow Man, but that wasn't the right thing to do. She Hulk didn't smash everything like Man Hulk.
She Hulk followed her nose until she found Black Widow. It was easy. Black Widow always smelled like gunpowder and flowers and something on fire.
"Black Widow!" She Hulk shouted, squatting down so she wouldn't be scary. "She Hulk be like Black Widow. Tell She Hulk what smash."
Black Widow smiled a vicious smile and She Hulk smiled back. Then Black Widow climbed up to sit on She Hulk's shoulders, and she told She Hulk what to smash.
And She Hulk did.
-l-
When the battle was over, She Hulk put Black Widow down next to Arrow Man and went to stand by Man Hulk.
Man Hulk smiled at her.
"She Hulk smash," he said.
"Man Hulk smash," She Hulk said. She gave Man Hulk pets, and picked dirt out of his hair. Man Hulk gave a roar of triumph and sat in front of She Hulk so she could reach his hair better.
"Man Hulk smash the most," Man Hulk said. She Hulk gave him more pets.
"Man Hulk strong," She Hulk agreed. She didn't care that Man Hulk smashed more. Man Hulk was strong. She Hulk was smart. "She Hulk like Man Hulk strong."
When she was done cleaning Man Hulk's hair, She Hulk sat in front of Man Hulk so that he could clean hers. She leaned back against his chest and went to sleep.
-l-
Darcy woke up in a pile of rubble, wearing her magic stretchy black bra and spanky shorts. Bruce was wrapped around her, holding her, wearing his own version of Hulk Wear – skintight black pants. His fluffy hair was curling over his forehead. Darcy sproinged the curl.
"Now this is cute."
Darcy looked up to see Tony staring down at them, douchebag sunglasses perched on his nose. His helmet was missing and the Iron Man suit was pretty banged up.
Darcy rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Little Glow Tony."
Tony smirked. "Good to have you back, Lewis. Does this mean that you're going to stop being a hermit?"
Darcy shrugged, looking down when Bruce started to stir. "I guess. So long as I didn't smash anything I shouldn't have."
"You didn't," Natasha joined them, somehow still looking like a supermodel even though she'd just been through a battle. "She Hulk is very good at following directions."
"Your directions, maybe." Captain America looked a little worse for the wear. His right arm was dangling at his side, and his faced was bruised and covered in a dozen small cuts. "When I tried, she just said, 'She Hulk be like Black Widow, smash what Black Widow say smash.'"
Tony sniffed. "I'm still her favorite."
Bruce groaned and opened his eyes. He blinked up at Darcy, a slow, private smile stretching his lips.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," Darcy answered.
Bow chicka wow wow, came the sound of porno music. Darcy's head snapped up, and she glared at Tony.
"I'm sorry," he said, nonchalant. "Was this a bad time to mess with my ring tone?"
And now Bruce was pulling away from Darcy and glowering at Tony. Darcy got up and put her hands on her hips. "Tony Stark, you are the absolute worst, and I am telling Thor on you as soon as he gets here."
Like she'd called him (and Darcy never was sure how much of a god he really was. Did he feel it when people mentioned his name?), Thor landed where they had all gathered. "What is it you wish to tell me, Lady Darcy?"
Darcy spun to face him. "Tony is the worst."
Thor tilted his head. "The worst at what?"
Darcy threw up her hands.
"Incoming," Hawkeye – Clint – said, materializing from… somewhere. Darcy was proud of herself for only jumping about a foot in the air, instead of say, hulking out and tossing Clint over a skyscraper.
Clint nudged Darcy with his shoulder. "You ready for your first press conference as an Avenger, Darce?"
This was the first time Darcy had seen Clint since she sent him to the medical bay, and for a split second she thought she was going to transform. She had to hum the first few lines of Smash Mouth's All Star to stave it off.
Once she had it under control, she looked at the people standing around her. Tony, with his stupid sunglasses and broken down armor, Natasha with her perfect everything, Captain America – Steve, she needed to call him Steve – with his puppy eyes and broken arm, Bruce with his Don't Look At Me slouch and tight Hulkpants, Thor with his awesomeness and enthusiasm for pretty much everything, and finally, Clint, with his arrows and his super cut arms of death.
"Am I an Avenger?" she heard herself ask in a small voice.
"You fought like one today," Natasha said. It meant the most, coming from her.
But I'm just Darcy, some incredulous part of her protested. Not a genius, not an assassin. Just plain Darcy.
Shut up, She Hulk said.
Darcy took a deep breath. She Hulk was totally right. Darcy was awesome. And she was an Avenger.
"Hell yeah, let's go do this press conference thing," Darcy grinned at them all. She went to stand by Bruce, because hulks needed to stick together. "I need a fake name though, so people don't go after my mom."
They started walking, Tony supporting Steve on his uninjured side. "Already taken care of. JARVIS hacked your files weeks ago. You're Diana Lane."
Darcy swatted Bruce on the shoulder. "You told him about my comic books!"
Bruce did not make apology-face. In fact, his face was the complete opposite of apology-face.
"You'll never prove that," he told her. "Tony is a snoop. He could have just found out on his own."
"He couldn't have known my two favorite comic women though," Darcy huffed, sticking her nose in the air. "I take it back. Tony isn't the absolute worst. You are."
"The worst at what?" Thor asked again.
-l-
The morning after Darcy's debut as an Avenger, she woke up, as she usually did, with Bruce's monster penis twitching against her ass.
Deep breaths, lady. Time to put on your big girl panties. You're an Avenger.
This time, instead of pretending not to notice Bruce's throbbing wood (like anyone could possibly miss this python, seriously dude was hung like an ox), Darcy rolled over to face Bruce, and very purposefully thrust her hips forward.
Bruce's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.
"Here's what we're going to do," Darcy told him. "We're going to get up and brush our teeth, because morning breath isn't sexy, and then we are getting back in this bed and fucking until we hulk out. And then we'll probably keep fucking, because Man Hulk has wanted to tap that since the first time he saw She Hulk, and he's pretty cut, so she's down with it."
She Hulk like Man Hulk. Strong.
I know, right, Darcy thought back.
"Darcy…"
Darcy put her hand over Bruce's mouth.
"Yeah, no. Look, I'm a pretty straight forward girl, and while that 'will they, won't they' bullshit is great on TV, in real life it sucks. So let's cut the crap. I like you. You like me. I think you're sexy. You think I'm sexy. We've been doing this whole Master and Padawan thing long enough that I think we can both be confident that we like each other as people, and not just because we're the only two hulks. But hey, speaking of the hulks, that's a bonus: Our hulks like each other, and we don't have to be terrified of squishing each other during sex. So unless you just aren't that into me, I don't see why we shouldn't do this."
Darcy took her hand away from Bruce's lips. "You may speak now."
Bruce frowned at her. "Thank you."
"No prob, Doc."
"Darcy… I'm old enough to be your father."
"Doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you."
"It should."
"Why?"
"Because you're young, and beautiful, and funny, and you can do better than a scientist with grey in his hair."
Darcy kissed his temple. "I like the grey. A lot."
Bruce pulled back. "I – really?"
"Really really," Darcy giggled.
Bruce made a visible effort to pull himself together. Darcy could feel his cock twitching, and felt her lips twitch in response.
"You asked for reasons why we shouldn't do this. How about the fact that it's my fault you have to deal with She Hulk?"
Darcy rolled her eyes and groaned. "Oh my Thor, I'm a hulk because of the jerkwads who kept stabbing me in the neck with needles. Next."
"Um…"
"Out of reasons there, Brucey?"
"Darcy…"
"Is it because I'm immature? Not smart enough?"
"What?! No! Why would you think that?"
Darcy shrugged. "It's why I never asked you out before. I thought you were out of my league." She met Bruce's eyes. "You don't have to make up some crazy reason why we won't work. If you don't want to, you don't want to, and that's fine. We'll still be bros."
Bruce took a deep breath, looking at a fixed point over Darcy's shoulder. "It wouldn't be just sex. For me."
Darcy broke into hysterical giggles and booped Bruce on the nose when he looked at her. "What do you think I'm angling for? I want to be your girlfriend."
"What? I – "
"Chill, Man Hulk. We're going to be awesome. Now come on. Let's brush our teeth and have us some monster sex. Then you can take me out for lunch. I think if you're with me, I'll be able to hold it together long enough to eat something without turning green."
-l-
When Darcy and Bruce left the Hulk Basement, Darcy decided to wear one of Bruce's shirts because he was her boyfriend and everyone on the planet should know that, so that Darcy wouldn't have to hulk out and smash any bitches. (Bruce seriously underestimated his sex appeal. Darcy was considering getting him a t-shirt that said 'Property of Darcy,' just to get the message across. Or ooohh, hey, maybe she could bribe Tony to put it across the ass of Bruce's Hulkpants.)
Speaking of Tony, he was getting on the elevator as they were getting off. He just glanced at them at first, nodding a hello. Darcy could see the moment he realized and did a double take, a look of unholy glee coming over his face at Darcy wearing Bruce's shirt, and the hickey on Bruce's neck he couldn't quite hide under his collar.
"Why Big Green," Tony said with a smarmy smirk. (A smarmirk?) "I'm so proud of you."
"Oh my God," Bruce moaned, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling.
"So do you do it the regular way? Or is it more like they do on the Discovery Channel? Is there giant green gorilla sex, is what I'm getting at here."
"Why?" Bruce addressed to the ceiling.
"I don't know, sir," JARVIS answered. "He's always been like this."
Darcy swatted Tony on the arm, and then she winked at him. "Let's just say, that if the tower starts rocking…"
Tony choked on a laugh. "Oh my God. Oh, this is the best. Hulks are my favorite."
"You're right," Bruce whimpered. "He is the absolute worst."
