Faith lay on her bed, thinking about her life. She had demon in her. "Huh," It should bother her more, what she was, where she came from. She knew on an intellectual level she should be having an adverse reaction to this new knowledge. But she wasn't.
"You always knew. You're much brighter than Buffy. You embraced who you were while she hid from it." Faith turned her head and saw Mayor Wilkins sitting in a chair by her bed. "Hey sweetheart, feeling lonely?"
Faith closed her eyes. So she was dreaming, well that was all right. She dreamed about him sometimes, always nightmares. Even the good dreams were nightmares, more so than the bad ones. She wanted to wake up, see how she really felt about this news, outside of her dream.
"You're not dreaming." Wilkins assured her "I sensed you were lonely and thought we could talk. I know you miss me. I miss you too sweetheart."
"I don't miss you."
"I know you feel it's wrong. I know they made you hate yourself and by extension me. If they were really your friends though they'd accept you for who you are. They would have accepted the demon instead of trying to cut it out of you with your own knife, the knife I gave you." He sounded offended at that last part "They don't love you Faith, but I still do."
"This is a dream."
"No," He shook his head, wide grin on his face. "I'm right here Faithy."
"You're dead." A terrifying thought occurred to her. What if the Wolf had raised Wilkins like she had the wizard, Holtz, and Billy? What if he was here to kill her?
Wilkins chuckled. "Kill you? I could never kill you Faith. You're my special girl."
"How are you alive?"
"I live in you Faith, because you love me."
Faith opened her eyes and he was gone. She breathed a sigh of relief. It was only a dream. She hopped off the bed and started to do some push-ups. The nightmares were nothing new, nothing to be concerned about. She stopped. On the chair where he had been sitting was a small silver device. Faith felt her muscles lock up and she collapsed on the ground. She scrambled to her feet and picked up the device, then dropped it as though it was dirty. It was the mechanism she had used to switch bodies with Buffy back in Sunnydale all those years ago. Not so long ago though; four years, maybe a little less maybe a little more. Faith stomped on the device and it broke into pieces. She kept stomping until the largest piece was no bigger than a thumbnail. She meticulously gathered the pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.
She looked around. She was alone. Why did she feel so guilty? Why did she feel like she had done something wrong? "The demon thing is just getting to me more than I thought." She tried to convince herself "It was just a dream." She avoided looked at the waste basket as she sat down on the floor. "It was only a dream." She thought of Robin. She almost wished he were here right now to take her in his arms and hold her, make her feel right. "Just a dream,"
…
"Fred I brought you something to eat." Wesley entered the room carrying a tray. "It isn't very good but you need to eat." He set the tray down on the bed next to her. "Fred," He wondered if she could hear him. Was she even aware of his presence? "It's me, Wes."
She looked into his eyes and he saw her, saw Fred. He felt a wave of happiness wash over him. She reached out and touched his face. "I remember you." She whispered "You read to me."
Wesley flinched at that. He remembered, that had been the night she died. "You need to eat something." She brushed her fingers against his face absent-mindedly. "Fred,"
"That's me," She said with a hint of surprise. "I'm Fred."
"Yes you are. Please eat something." Fred looked at the bowl of soup and slice of bread coated in peanut butter. She reached for the bread with a shaking hand. She let the hand drop into her lap. "I'm cold." She said "I'm cold." She reached for the food again.
"Here," Wesley picked up the bowl of soup. He felt guilty, feeding her like a child. He felt like he was demeaning her somehow but she needed to eat. He lifted the spoon toward her mouth. "Eat," He requested softly "Please Fred, for me?" The last part seemed to work and she opened her mouth and closed her lips around the spoon. He fed her until the soup was gone.
She reached out for him again. "I remember, you're book man."
Wesley smiled at that, despite the bad memories the phrase conjured. But there were also happy memories associated with the phrase. "That's me, I'm book man."
She cupped his chin in her hand and rubbed her thumb against his cheek. "We did math together in the hotel. We looked through your books. I remember." Wes felt a small tear run down his cheek. It hit her hand and she removed her hand from his face, bringing it to her own for examination. "You're crying." She was stunned. "You cry for me?"
"I'm just glad you're back."
Fred looked away and Wesley could feel her presence withdraw from the room. The sensation broke his heart. "I'm cold." She spoke without emotion and Wesley got her a blanket.
…
Willow sat cross-legged on her bed while Kennedy sat behind her, running her fingers through her hair. She would create a loose braid, undo it, and start again. Her fingers tugged gently at the strands of beautiful red hair. Willow almost felt at peace. Of course every time she was about to lose herself in the comfort of her girlfriend's company she would remember what she did and how Buffy felt right now. Willow felt a pang of guilt for not considering Kennedy's feelings. Kennedy hadn't conceived or executed the idea to awaken the potentials, but she was a slayer and surely had feelings about knowing her origin. "Are you all right?" Willow asked
"I'm with you." Kennedy said "That's my answer."
Willow smiled, Kennedy would often do that, say the one thing she needed to hear to make her heart swell with joy and her problems seem small. "I'm with you." Willow echoed
"How's Buffy?" Kennedy asked
"She won't talk to me." Willow said "She's in shock. I can't blame her. Slayers have been a part of my life for a long time, but for Buffy it is her life. Whatever I'm feeling she must feel times a thousand." Willow started picking at her cuticles. "I don't know what to do."
"All you can do is be there." Kennedy said "When she's ready to talk you'll know."
Willow nodded and closed her eyes, blocking out everything but the sensation of Kennedy's fingers running through her hair. She let the world fall away.
…
Angel held Buffy. Since she had told him she hadn't said a word. They just lay on his bed together, him holding her. She was sad, scared, and lonely. She knew she would have to get up, get up and face this new development like she had faced so many in the past. Yet she couldn't bring herself to do it, not yet. She would lay there, gather her strength. Angel knew she needed this and was prepared to wait for as long as it took. He was prepared to wait here with her until the end of the world. Buffy knew what she would do. She would get up, collect the assembled warriors, and together they would all come up with a plan. She just wasn't ready yet. She needed to lie here for a little while longer. She could face this as she had faced so much before. She had always been confident in one thing, that she was the chosen one. As the chosen one she could not fail. Now she knew who had chosen her and that she might have been picked just to fail. Well the joke was on the senior partners because Buffy Summers was nobody's fool. She would beat them, she just needed to lay here for a little longer. She needed to be in the arms of the man she knew wasn't going to leave her, wasn't horrified by what was inside of her. Just a little longer,
…
Nina splashed more water on her face, but it wasn't enough. She was burning up. The wolf inside her ran around and around, heating up her insides. She could feel her growing stronger, wanting to challenge her human minder. She felt so hot she was sure at any moment her skin would start to smoke. Nina was tempted to transform, let the wolf out, but it was like training a dog, you couldn't reward bad behavior. Nina doubled over in pain, clutching the area over her uterus she usually applied pressure to when she was experiencing menstrual cramps. It did not good now obviously. "Do you want me to get someone?"
The roommate, why was she okay? Why weren't all the werewolves so afflicted? Was is because Nina had a stronger connection to the wolf? She had thought she could control it, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe she was weak. Small tears leaked from her eyes and practically sizzled on her fevered skin. Nina collapsed to the ground. The roommate froze, conflicted. She considered getting Oz. She knew Nina wouldn't want her to, but maybe he could help…
…
Wesley entered Fred's room again. It wasn't empty this time, Faith was there. When she saw him and the tray of food he brought she stood to go. "I'll be back." She said by way of explanation. Wesley sat the tray next to Fred again and knelt in front of her.
"Fred are you there?" He wanted her to be so badly.
When she looked at him he was overcome with ecstasy to see the comprehension in her eyes. "I'm Fred." She said "I'm Fred and you're Wesley. You're here to help me."
Wesley nodded. "I want to help you remember."
Fred grabbed her shoulders. "I'm cold." Why was she always so cold? Wesley stood up to get a blanket but when he tried to drape it over her she shoved his arms violently away. "She's going to get me." Fred moaned "It's so cold inside. I don't want to go back." Wesley halted as his mind put together the pieces of the puzzle. A picture formed. "Don't let her." Fred pleaded
Wesley knelt down again and then wrapped his arms around her. "You're safe now."
Fred turned her head and put her lips against Wesley's. He recoiled as if struck. "I'm cold." Fred said with a voice full of sadness and longing "I want to be warm." She slid off the bed to land on her knees, eye to eye with Wesley. She tried to kiss him again.
Wesley backed away, rising to his feet and retreating to the middle of the room. "I can't Fred. It isn't right. I won't take advantage of you. I can't." Well he could.
"I'm cold." Fred rose to her feet and approached Wesley. He matched each of her forward steps with a backwards one. "I want to be warm. Please make me warm. It's so cold in here and blue. She wants to put me back in the ice and snow. Warm me up so she can't."
"I won't let anyone hurt you." Wesley promised "But I can't… not like this."
Fred stopped her advance as Wesley reached the other bed, stuck between her, it, and the door. "I don't have any warm memories of you. Where are they?"
Wesley wiped a tear from his eye. "We never got to… I had this special evening planned and I thought maybe… But it didn't matter, I just wanted to be close to you, I didn't need anything else. We never got a chance." He sat down on the bed.
"I went away." Fred said
"I wanted to save you. I would have done anything." Fred walked over to him and sat next to him. She slipped her arm under his and intertwined their fingers.
"I came back." She comforted him, Wesley contemplated the bitter irony of it
"I'll never let anything happen to you again. The blue one is gone and she's never coming back. You don't have to be cold anymore. I'll protect you."
Fred lay her head against his chest. "Tell me about the first time you saw me."
Wesley told the story of the hell dimension and the wild woman they met there who saved them from their friend who had gone mad. She kept her ear pressed against his chest and while she listened to his story she listened to his heart. The pieces began to speed up.
…
Xander called out to Faith and she stopped, turning around with half a sandwich in her hand and the other half in her mouth. "Um-hum," She swallowed the bread and meat. "What?"
"You know?" He asked, not needing to elaborate
Faith nodded.
"Buffy's not taking it well."
"B will bounce back, she's tough." Faith said
"And you?" Xander asked "Are you okay?"
"What you don't think I can handle this? I've dealt with the dark before."
"I know." Xander felt awkward, he wished he hadn't started this conversation in the hall.
"So what? You think I'm back to my old ways?"
Xander backed up. "What? No, no way." He tried to defuse the situation. "Never,"
Faith laughed. "I see it on your face. Faith can't handle this, she's going to go back over to the dark side. What's it take with you guys? How many times do I have to prove myself?"
"You don't." Xander babbled "You have. It's not- I didn't-"
Faith walked up to him and jabbed her pointer finger into his chest. It hurt. "I don't need you looking out for me Xander Harris. I don't want you looking out for me. Got it?"
"Got it," Xander whispered as she walked away, biting into the remainder of her sandwich. She wasn't listening. She was seething. Who did he think he was?
"He thinks he's better than you." Wilkins was standing in the empty closet as Faith entered and sat in the corner, lights off. She didn't want to go to her room, she didn't want to risk seeing anybody. She didn't want to talk to anybody. "They all do." Wilkins said as he sat down next to her in the dark. "But you're better than them. You're my special girl."
"Go away,"
"You want me to leave you alone in the dark?" Faith nodded. "That's why you're my special girl. They're afraid of the dark. Buffy's hiding from it, in your guy's arms no less."
"What are you- no I'm not getting roped into a conversation with you."
"That's all right, I'll do all the talking. They think you're dirty because you have demon in you, but Buffy and Kennedy have that same demon, they're just too afraid to accept it. No one judges them for the demon, not like they do you. They're not afraid of them like they are you."
"Go away," Faith begged "You're not real."
"But I'm all you've got. Angel doesn't care about you, not while he's with Buffy. Wesley doesn't care about you, not while he's with Fred. Everyone hates you Faith, everyone but me."
…
Kate used the vampire's own strength against her when Harmony rushed headlong into a poorly thought out attack. Kate moved quickly out of the way and while Harmony was unbalanced Kate landed a quick jab in her abdomen. Harmony doubled over slightly and Kate clutched her shoulders to throw her against the wall. Harmony grabbed Kate's arm and threw her over said shoulder, Kate hitting the ground with a thump that knocked all the air from her lungs.
"Not bad," Spike said as he observed Harmony helping Kate to her feet. "But don't be afraid to fight dirty." He walked over to Harmony. "Grab her hair," He demonstrated.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow," Harmony reached for Spike's hand but her jerked her to the side.
"Looks painful," Kate noted
"That's the general idea." Spike said as he released Harmony "Don't be afraid to employ those contemptible little tricks 'honorable' fighters look down on. Honorable is just another synonym for dead. You think I survived one hundred thirty years by being honorable?"
"You didn't survive." Harmony pointed out "You're technically dead."
"Not now Harm," Spike said in an aggravated tone
"She's right," Kate was smiling and Spike found he no longer minded Harmony's semantic jab. "You did die, but hopefully you learned from the experience."
"I did." Spike assured her "If a beautiful woman lures you into an alley, run. She's up to no good." Spike winced at the memory of Drusilla. He missed her in an odd way.
"I'll keep that in mind." Kate said
Spike smiled at her. "Okay, watch this," He looked at his fellow vampire. "Harmony,"
"Do I have to get punched in the face just so you can impress your girlfriend?"
"Please," Kate said "I'm not about to sleep with two vampires. I'll start to get a reputation." Upon hearing those words Spike's on again off again fiery passionate hatred against Angel flared up. It was bad enough that Angel had already slept with this girl Spike realized he was starting to like, now Spike didn't have a shot with her because of it.
"Well the slayer-"
"Shut up Harmony." Spike snapped
…
"Queen of spades!" Teresa slammed the card down on the table.
"What?! You can't do that, you have to play a club." Gunn protested
"I'm out of clubs." Teresa grinned cheekily as she held up the cards it must have been hard to hold with those deadly claws. He couldn't see the cards but he believed her.
"You're really good at this game." Gunn said as he collected the queen of spades as well as the three, seven, and his own ten of clubs. He threw down the jack of diamonds.
"Or you're just really bad." Anne teased as she tossed out the ace of hearts
Gunn internally swore. "How is everybody but me out of something?"
"It's called strategy." Lorne said "Some people use it."
"I'm not much of a strategic person." Gunn said
"You?" Lorne said in the world's fakest surprised voice "Charles Gunn?"
"Ha, fricken ha," Gunn said in a very slow deadpan as he collected another lost hand
"Don't worry," Teresa said "You'll get better. It just takes time."
"If we're being totally honest," Gunn said as he played a low heart hoping someone had a higher heart they would have to play "I kind of don't want to be stuck here long enough to get good at this game." Everyone had either a lower heart or no hearts, he couldn't catch a break.
"You don't think we'll all get together and play hearts after we save the world?" Teresa asked way to cheerfully as she counted up everyone's points and wrote them down
Lorne picked up the deck to shuffle. It was Teresa's turn to shuffle, but she wasn't very good at it. "Pretty confident huh?" Gunn asked, in a tone both admiring and exasperated
"Aren't you?" Anne asked
Gunn nodded, more to placate his girlfriend than out of sincerity. He tried to picture life with the sun coming out again. He tried to imagine all of them happy, him and Anne together, the world returned to normal. He couldn't. But he wouldn't need to he decided. He would save the world and he wouldn't have to picture happiness because he would be able to see it. At the very least Anne would be able to see it. Even if Gunn died he was determined to save the world for the woman he loved, to give her a chance to live the good life she had always tried so hard to.
He looked at his hand and swore.
…
Fred grinned when Wesley entered the room and her grin made him feel complete. His doubts and concerns melted away when he saw her. "Hey Fred," She held out a hand to him and he walked up to her and took it. He brought her knuckles to his lips. "How do you feel?"
Wesley sat down next to her and she leaned against him as she had before. He wished he could stay like this forever. "The memories make more sense."
He draped his arm over her shoulders. "Good, do you need me to explain anything?"
She shook her head. "Everything is still coming together. I remember some things clearer than others. I remember my parents, growing up in Texas. I remember the hotel. I remember kissing you. There are some things I don't want to remember. There's a cave in the woods and a barn where they chain me up." Wesley felt a chill travel down his spine. "There's a slug from a bad place drinking all the water out of me. There's you leaving. I don't know if I want these memories back but if I have to have them to get the other ones it's worth it."
Wesley felt fear overtake him. What if she hated him when she better remembered why he left? When they'd started dating they were all still under the influence of Angel's memory spell. What if she couldn't forgive him? What if she couldn't love him again? Wesley knew he would just have to accept that. There could be no pretense with her. "I left because I did a bad thing. Maybe when you remember you won't want me to come by anymore."
"I remember." Fred said "I remember everything. It's all jumbled up, but it's all there. It comes together faster now. The more pieces that are together the easier it is for the others to find the way. I remember Conner. I remember what you did." Wesley waited for the disapproval. "I still love you." She said simply
Wesley's head spun. She loved him. She knew what he had done and she loved him anyway. He wanted to kiss her, to feel her; but he couldn't, for fear of starting something. "I love you too." Wesley said and saying it felt so good, like setting down a heavy weight
"You said you loved me before you knew me."
"I remember." He did. He's been crying and he could feel himself breaking inside as she slipped away like fine sand running through one's fingers. He couldn't hold her.
"What did you mean?"
What had he meant? The words had felt so natural in their truth, he hadn't needed to think about them. Now he did. "I thought we were soul mates." He felt corny when he said it.
"You don't anymore?" Well the truth was out there and he had to own up to it.
"I still do."
"Even though my soul's all broke up?"
"You'll fix it." He kissed the crown of her head. "I know you will."
"What if I can't?" He wanted to take away the worry he heard in her voice.
"Nothing in the world can stop me from loving you. I'll love you until the day I die." He considered this. "And after. I'll love you no matter what happens to you."
She looked up and kissed him as she had the last time he was there. "I need you to do something for me." She stared into his eyes with her own and he saw lucidity.
"Anything," He spoke without thinking
She kissed him again. She intermingled her lips with his. "I need you." She pulled him closer to her. "I need you to make me warm. I can't be better until I stop being cold. I need to be warm and I need it to be you." Her kisses grew more passionate. "I need that memory."
"Fred I can't." Wesley protested weakly "I can't take advantage of you like that."
"It's not taking advantage, I'm asking you to." She sounded so lucid. "I need this. I need to be warm. The cold is freezing up my bones, slowing the pieces down. My blood's all chilly and I need it to be warm and carry the warmth to my mind and heart. The pieces will be free then, they'll all come back together. I know it sounds crazy." She gripped either side of his face and kissed still more passionately. He fell back onto the bed. "Please do this for me."
He gripped her hands gently and pushed her up, sitting up himself. With his right hand he cupped her cheek and faced her towards him. He stared deep into her eyes. She was calm and she was sane, but when he looked deeper he saw she was right. There was something frozen inside of her. "Are you sure?" He asked "Are you sure it will work?"
"I need you to help me find out."
So he did.
…
Faith didn't know what to do, she was lost. When she was alone, Wilkins came and found her. When she went to a new place he just kept finding her again. But she didn't want to be near anybody, didn't want to talk to anybody. A thought occurred to her. Buffy was still with Angel, their room should be empty except for Fred and Fred probably wouldn't say anything unless Faith initiated conversation. Wilkins still probably wouldn't appear with Fred in the room. Faith was encouraged by this idea and headed toward her room, just glad to finally have a destination after a day (or so, time was hard to keep track of with no sun) of aimless wandering. Maybe she could finally get some sleep. Faith approached her door and stopped, her still hand on the door knob. There were noises coming from the other side of the door, the sound of heavy breathing.
"Animals," She jumped as Wilkins appeared next to her.
"Go away," She pleaded "Please just go away."
"But I'm your only friend. It's clear that Angel doesn't care, he never even asked you how you were, he's too busy taking care of Buffy. He's probably taking advantage of her right now in the same way your 'friend' Wesley is taking advantage of this poor girl. It just goes to show there's no such thing as noble intentions anymore."
"Shut up," Faith's hand slipped off the door knob. "You don't have- shut up."
"Faith I'm the only one who even tried to check on you."
"Xander-" Wilkins cut her off with a knowing look. No, Xander didn't care, he just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to sneak up on him while he slept and slit his throat. They all hated her. They all wanted her dead. Faith shook her head. "What are you doing to me?"
"Me?" Wilkins nodded to the door. "I'm not the one hurting poor defenseless insane girls; not like your buddies Wesley and Angel. I'm sorry, did you think they cared for you?" He shook his head. "You would think a little appreciation at least, for saving their lives. No Faith, you're tarnished goods. They'll never care for you. The only ones they show kindness to are those who have the thing they want, the thing all men want, and yours has gone bad."
Faith recoiled in horror. "No," She said "That's disgusting."
"It is." He said emphatically "It surely is. They're disgusting, these men you thought were your friends. You would fight for them, die for them even, and this is what they are." He pointed at the door. "They're just animals, like all humans. But you're something else."
"I'm not a demon." Faith insisted
"No, you're a slayer." Wilkins said
Faith heard a gasp and looked past Wilkins to see Buffy. She was staring in horror and anger at- Faith jumped backwards. Wilkins was gone, in his place stood the Wolf. It had always been the Wolf. In a way it was almost a relief, in another it was a fearsome horror. The Wolf reached out and touched Faith's hair. "You're my special girl." The Wolf vanished. Buffy was staring at Faith, the unsaid accusation all too clear. Faith looked from her to the door. She couldn't handle this. Wesley turning out to be as bad as any of them, Buffy thinking she was a traitor. Faith ran. She came so close to going outside, to leaving the sanctuary, but in the end she ran into the kitchen cupboard and lay down on the ground, sobbing.
