Tess's POV

The air is cool and brisk against my legs. I can feel it seeping through my black tights and my black cardigan. The day would have been so much warmer with him here. I miss his smile. I'd like to think, though, that he's here, watching me attend his funeral.

Multicolored leaves litter the ebony coffin. I want to brush them off, because I'm obsessive compulsive like that, but at the same time it's pretty. They remind me of burning embers flying in a black sky. The white lilies on the coffin look too bright for the somber affair. We say our words, and I cry when I say mine. Not enough words can encompass the time I had with him, the love I felt for him.

The people file out slowly, like water dripping from a spout. They take pictures, and they try to sympathize with me, giving me comforting words about how they knew how much we loved each other. But they don't really know. No one does, but he and I do. And now I can share those lovely memories with only myself.

Mom is crying. Her red hair is down and curled. He always liked long hair. That's why my hair is down too.

When the gardens are empty, I walk over to his coffin. I wish I could see his happy, joking blue eyes again. I wish he would smirk at me and call me "Love". But such wishes cannot be granted. His black suit looks impeccable on him, even when he's dead. My vision gets blurry, and he looks like a watercolor painting. I touch his face, and a tear drops from my cheek to his.

"Why are you dead?" I cry. "Why aren't you here with me?"

But he doesn't answer. Of course he can't. Matthew is dead. And he's not coming back.

I shoot up out of bed, breathing fast like I ran twenty miles. No, no, make it stop.

"Love?" Matt says groggily. He puts a hand on my shoulder and sits up with me. "Are you okay?"

I turn to Matthew, so relieved I can still see his blue eyes, distressed yet living. "You're alive, you're okay," I say, obviously feeling grateful that my dream is simply that. I touch his face to make sure he's real. "You're here."

"Yeah, of course I'm here," he says, pulling back. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am now." He gives me a comforting hug, and I'm just so, so very happy right now.

"Tess, did you have a dream where I was dead?" he asks, smoothing down my hair.

"It doesn't matter," I whisper weakly. "As long as you're alive, it doesn't matter." Until now, I realize I'm crying. I hastily wipe away the tear and muster a smile. "I'm sorry for waking you up. We should probably sleep again."

He kisses my forehead and lies down with me. He holds me to his chest, as if he's worried that I'm going to fall apart. Soon, I can hear his quiet breathing, and I know he is asleep. I can't sleep, though.

People say Life without a certain person is unimaginable. That may be true for them unless they have vivid visions that run wild like carefree children. I can certainly imagine Life without Matthew. It's bleak and miserable. There will be no joking in the empty halls of the palace. I may never see America and Maxon smile again. I want Matthew to live. I want to have a long, happy life with him. I want an infinite future. I want so many things, but Life cannot supply me with all of my desires.

I'd rather die than live without Matthew Schreave. It's an awful and cliche thought, but it's so very true. If not that, I'd want to die with him. But I'm too selfish by saying "I would want to die" instead of "I do want to die." I don't. I don't want Life to escape me. Death is so unfathomable, as is Life. We humans try so hard to make sense out of the indecipherable. Some have succeeded, like famous scientists who discover the physics of the world. Yet here we are, still with no idea how to exist.

But existing is not the same as living.

I guess the goal in life is to live it to the fullest. I don't even think doing daunting things you'd never dare to do is a part of that. Those are just repercussions, side effects, by products, whatever they wish to be called.

Living life to the fullest for me means loving, living, feeling things. Use the talents we are given. Do the best we can to help others who cannot have the same privileges.

Before I realize it, the sun is coming up. The sky outside is a peachy orange, and the sun looks like it wants to swallow the world. I place my head on Matt's chest, just to make sure he's breathing and his heart is still beating. It is. His heartbeat matches the ticking of the clock for a while, but both eventually lose their synchronicity.

I fall asleep with a heartbeat in one ear, and a ticking clock in the other. One beat measures time, the other is running out of it.

I fall asleep again.


Tess's POV

I wake up at about eleven o'clock. I'm cold and curled up on my side, and I know Matt isn't in bed anymore. I get dressed with the dream in my mind. I just feel so empty right now. The feeling inside is indescribable. I don't know if I should be sad or angry or both.

I wear a dress today because I feel like it. Mom usually lets me shorts and a nice top. She wears jeans and a blouse on Saturdays. But maybe it's the dream that makes me want to wear a dress. Who knows how many more times Matthew will get to see me in a dress.

It's a light blue that reminds me of Matthew's eyes. I pair it with my leather boots, hiding my anklet.

Eating lunch is a happy change. Alex and Alexa are down here, but Matt and Jerome aren't. Riley whispers behind her hand, "Jerome took Matthew away before Matthew beat Alex up or something."

"Ah," I reply, shoveling some mashed potatoes on my plate. "That makes sense. I told him during the play last night and he was furious."

"I bet! Props to you for bringing him somewhere public." She laughs and makes her voice low, impersonating a man. "Hey, Prince Matthew, why are you screaming at your fiancee?"

I giggle but I'm cut off by a glare from the other side of the table. "I know you're talking about me," Alexa says cuttingly.

"For your information, Alexandra, Tess and I were talking about that movie we saw the other night," Riley retorts, lying just as effortless as her brother.

Alexa looks at me pointedly and I sigh. "Please don't bring me into this."

"Were you watching a movie, Tess?" Alexa pushes.

I sigh. "Yes, we were. It was a comedy where the invisible man pokes people who don't know anything."

"Fine." Alexandra stands up decidedly and puts a hand on her belly. "I—we are going upstairs."

Alexa stomps out of the room and Alex sighs, muttering something in French about following her.

"Well, King Maxon, how are you?" I ask.

"Same old, same old," he replies with a small smile. "How was the play last night?"

"Matthew looked a bit distracted, but it was alright. I broke the news to him about Alexandra and he blew up like Vesuvius."

Maxon chuckles. "He was always quite...irascible." He gives a surreptitious sidelong glance to his wife, and America smacks him on the shoulder.

"Shut up, Maxon." We all laugh, happy that the tension is diffused. For now.

Riley turns to me all of a sudden. "Is there really a movie about an invisible man?"

I shrug. "Maybe?"

"Tess," America says. "You and Matthew have a press conference today."

"What time?"

"In thirty minutes."

I wipe my mouth quickly and excuse myself to find Matthew. It can't be that hard to find one prince in a giant palace, yeah?

I check the music room first, then the library, then Our Tower, then finally Jerome's room. I can hear shouting from the inside.

"What the fuck?!" Matt yells. "Who the fuck has fucking sex before getting fucking married?!"

Jerome says something back, but it's muffled through the wooden door.

"I don't fucking care that they're getting married anyway! When is the wedding, huh? People are going to find out, Jer. I should have looked out for her. God, I'm so stupid. I should have told her or something."

I knock on the door and Jerome opens it. He grins. "Hey, princess. Your boy here is having a meltdown." He steps aside to let me in the room, and it is a mess. Pillows are everywhere, the drawers are all out...

"Is that a hole in the wall?" I ask, pointing to the black void with the white walls surrounding it.

"Never mind the hole," Jerome says, waving it away. Matthew screams into a pillow and throws it at me. It takes a while for it to register in my mind, but I catch it.

"Easy there, big boy," I say, tossing the pillow back on the bed.

"Sorry, love, didn't mean to chuck it at you." Matt walks to me and gives me a hug to make up for it.

"Eh, I know how angry you can get." I'm implying about the night we broke up, but he doesn't quite catch on.

"I just feel like I should have done something," he says. "I mean, how could I just let that asshole sleep with her?"

"Come on, Matt, you know it's not your fault," I say.

"Yeah," Jerome supports. "You couldn't just pop in and offer a condom or a birth pill."

Matt and I frown and turn to Jerome. He holds his hands up. "What? I know how the world works!"

I just groan. "Matthew, just forget about it."

"Oh, yeah, I'll try and 'forget' about it when my sister looks like a fucking balloon."

"Matty, no more curse words please."

"Thank you, Tess," Jer says. "He has been saying the F word for a straight ten minutes."

"Okay, bigger matters at hand," I say, turning to Matt. "We have a press conference in approximately twenty minutes."

"I'll get ready with a suit and answers." Matthew takes my hand and twirls me around. "I love this dress on you." He smacks my butt, and I punch his arm.

"You're so vulgar."

"Don't punch a dying man," he says, rubbing his arm. I don't find the humor in it, though. He kisses the side of my head apologetically and leaves me with Jerome.

I sigh. "Jer, I don't know what to do with him."

"I know. It's quite frustrating how he always makes fun of his defect."

"It's like his life is a joke!" I cry.

"Yeah, he's like that, though. Whenever he's hurting, he passes it off as a big, fat joke and he's the punchline."

"Life's not funny enough for that," I answer.


May I please answer reviews tomorrow? My dad is going to be pissed again because I always stay up until midnight to write. Sigh. Thank you for all of your reviews, though! I love you guys so much!

Question of the day: Twilight or Vampire Diaries?

Answer to previous QOTD: My uncle's German, so I was rooting for Germany. So happy they won! What do you guys think?

Love ya!- AcademicGirl