BWAP!
Jack was on his feet before the blare of the air horn had even finished, already reaching for his coat and with his hand on his gun. An old fashion speaker crackled to life with a hiss of static, followed by the sound of someone clearing their throat.
"Good morning, Excalibur!" came John's voice, amplified to a roar. "I hope you're all ready for a treasure hunt, because we're disembarking in, oh, let's say… 20 minutes."
"And counting," mumbled the voice in Jack's head. It was an automatic response, like the way a member of a marching band might unconsciously fall into step when walking with someone.
Jack sighed. He paused to stretch dramatically before settling into his coat, majestically disheveled. Then he palmed the switch to open the door, and stepped out into the corridors of the ship.
The lighting was dimmer here, even less carefully maintained, some of them flickering. Classy. Without a map to guide him, Jack picked a direction at random and started walking. He had no idea how large a ship John had 'obtained,' but eventually he'd find the right room, or a very wrong room, or maybe a member of the crew.
Jack keyed another switch, and abruptly found himself face-to-face with options 2 and 3.
A thin creature with a long beak and wearing a white coat stood hunched over a table in the middle of a brightly lit, sterile room. Body bags littered the floor. Its coat was stained up to the elbows in blood, and its hands buried in a corpse lying on the table.
It looked up as the door slid open, catching Jack's gaze with a pair of large, empty white eyes.
"Right. Let's see what's behind door number 2, then." Jack said, about-facing back into the hallway.
He hadn't gone more than a few steps, though, before he was accosted by someone else. The very large creature from before, crouched and crowded into a hallway built for people half its height. From up close, Jack could see that its black fur shimmered with green and teal, like oil on water or the glossy feathers of a crow.
"You're lost," it said plainly.
"Meandering," Jack said with a shrug.
"In the wrong direction."
Jack shrugged again. "Road less travelled, eh?"
"But in the wrong direction," the creature repeated, narrowing pale eyes that were the only thing visible among a thick mane that covered all of its head and most of its upper body. It seemed to consider him for a moment, before turning in a clattering of limbs. "Suit yourself."
Jack turned to follow it.
"I wouldn't mind if you showed me around," Jack said, flashing it a trademark grin, wasted because all Jack could see of him now was the back end of a set of curved claws reminiscent of a lobster's. Jack tried to remember the name he'd been given, but John's flashy introduction was a bit of a blur. A color, or an element? Cobalt, maybe?
"I'm sure," was all the reply Cobalt gave him.
He followed him down several winding hallways before they ended up at a corridor he vaguely recognized, the one that lead down to the loading dock.
Inside, several members of the crew were already gathered. John was there too, slouched against a stack of metal crates.
"So nice of you to join us," John said with a grin. He pushed off with his elbows and strolled leisurely toward them, hands on his hips. "Come now, what's with the pout? I thought we parted on pretty good terms, considering."
"I've considered," said Jack.
"Don't be like that," said John. He came forward and grabbed both of Jack's hands. "You should be excited, I've got it all planned out. We were already en route to this mining planet when you joined us, so lucky you, straight into adventure."
"A mining planet?" Jack said, pulling his hands away and taking a step back. "That seems a little too… straightforward, for you."
"Don't worry," said John. "We're not here for silly minerals. There's something better. Something rare, and only produced on this little chunk of rock."
"Great," said Jack. "What's the catch?"
"The catch is everything that'll try to eat us on the way," came another voice, from the guy John had introduced as Sacha. He was strapping on weapons from a large array along one wall. "Lots of caves, so I'm thinking spiders- maybe giant ones. That's what it usually is."
"What's a few arachnids?" said the Marsupialoid female, Xar. She was securing large gun straps to her legs. "Eat 'em for breakfast."
"You wish," said Sacha. "Maybe back on Rekkaxxylon. Or are you the special one who gets something other than synthesized nutrients?"
"No rule saying I can't get synthetized spiders along with my synthesized bacon and eggs," said Xar. "Don't be a whiner."
"Come now, no quarreling in front of our guest," John said. "Where's the synergy?"
"You stabbed me in the gut last week," said Sacha.
"Let bygones be bygones," John said flippantly. "So, here's the plan. We're going to need to chat up the locals, find out exactly where the orbs are located. Jack and I can take care of that. Xar and Cobalt, you look for points of entry, scope out how heavily the place is guarded, yadda yadda. Sacha, go with them and run some tests, or whatever it is you do."
The hatch was opening, flooding the docking bay with natural light and the mixed smells of sulfur, dust, and standing water.
"Do I get a say in this?" said Jack.
"How about no?" said John. "My crew, my gig, my show, remember? Come on, it'll be fun."
"That's what I'm afraid of," said Jack.
Stepping onto the alien soil of a new planet never lost its sense of wonder. It took a moment for Jack's eyes to adjust as he stared into a sea green sky, and across a craggy landscape of dark stone and thick moss. It was cool and breezy, almost uncomfortably so, and Jack was grateful that he had his coat.
There was a long moment of silence as the crew adjusted to their new surroundings.
And then Xar said, "Okay, what am I looking at? Nothing? Whole lotta nothing?"
"We still have the hike into town," said Sacha.
"But I don't see a town."
"You're not looking in the right place," Sacha said smugly. "Try looking down."
In a synched moment of thought they did, eyes scouring the rocky cliffside for something almost invisible at first glance. Up the face of the cliffs were the usual dotting of caves, but on closer inspection there were a whole lot more than average. And if one squinted, they could almost make out the tiny unnatural protrusions of stone that spiraled into haphazard paths.
No bridges. Nothing obviously man-made, not even the usual mining tools. If it weren't for the computer readings, the planet might have been dead.
"The real party's at the verrrry bottom," said Sacha. "Down a charmingly ill-used elevator. Unless you'd rather climb."
John shot him an annoyed pout that was all narrowed eyes and pursed lips, which brought his chiseled cheekbones into stark relief.
"Trust me," said Jack, "He knows how to handle a shaft."
"Well thank you," John said with a grin, words dripping with smug self-satisfaction. "You weren't so bad yourself, once."
The corner of Jack's mouth twitched in ill-hidden amusement. "Was that a jab at my age, greybeard?"
"Something like that, yeah," said John, "but I'd love for you to prove me wrong."
"Wouldn't you just?" Jack said, shaking his head.
Behind them, the rest of the party were clearing out to deal with their elsewheres, leaving Jack and John alone at the top of a dramatic cliffside.
"And now here's the part where you go down on me," John said, rubbing moss off a large rocky protrusion with the heel of his boot. Under the heavy plant coverage was the vague outline of a door.
Jack dug his fingers under the corners of the sliding door, slowly prying it open. The dank elevator shaft visible beyond smelled worse than that time he'd gone drinking with a troup of Lactoads.
"Lead the way, Captain," Jack said challengingly.
John grinned and grabbed his hand, pulling him into the cramped elevator. Behind them, the door slammed shut, and the elevator began to fall.
There was something moving in the dark. Something with five fingers creeping up the back of his thigh.
"Stop that," Jack said, choking on dust.
"That's not the safe word," John crooned.
Despite the rickety appearance, their descent had been relatively smooth and painless. It was a well-crafted tool made tacky through lack of use.
Jack ran his fingers through his hair. John adjusted his coat. And then in unison, like soldiers, they marched together out of the elevator and into the swamp.
The smell here was stronger than ever, a rank mixing pot of stenches that never should have been on a first-name basis.
"Alright," Jack said, his voice comically distorted because he was holding his nose. "Where do we start?"
"I'll bet the natives are a sight for sore eyes," John said, striding straight into the mud.
"Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it," said Jack, following him.
"Oh, I'll try it. I'll knock anything."
Down at the bottom of the crag, below a heavy layer of yellow-green smog, was a symbiotic conglomeration of stone and vines, so thick and tangled it was hard to tell where any of it began or ended. The texture of the ground varied from kinda moist, to pretty damp, to water up past their knees. Kelp pulled at their boots, twisting around their ankles and feeling more like hands than plants at times. Jack even imagined he'd heard one crack like a broken bone as he kicked it away.
"Do you see anything yet?" Jack said, peering through the fog. Already his lungs were burning from the acrid air, and he was beginning to wonder if the atmosphere was even habitable for humans.
"Mostly swamp and more swamp," John said helpfully. "But I saw a little bit of swamp off that-a-ways a few minutes ago."
Jack didn't laugh. Neither did John. The oppressive environment was stifling to their senseless quips, which at least gave them time to ponder cleverer ones.
"A man could get lost out here," said a deep, drawling voice from behind them. Jack stopped and swirled to face it with a flash of perfect teeth.
"We could use a guide," John said, wrapping an arm around Jack's shoulders.
The creature they were talking to was hard to make out through the smog, but it appeared to be at least a head taller than Jack, and easily three times as wide. It was plated in a shell that looked soft and squishy, with long external gills flowing from its bulky neck and jaws. There were no eyes that they could make out.
"Nice to meet you," Jack said, offering a hand. "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, and we are so incredibly lost."
The creature did not accept his handshake. It simply stood there, unmoving save the languid flow of its gills in the mist.
"Captain John Hart," John said, hands on his hips.
The creature did not offer a name. For a moment Jack thought it hadn't heard them, or maybe couldn't hear them. But then, it opened its gaping mouth wide like a bullfrog, and spoke again.
"The forest does not play nice with tourists."
"Like I said," John said with a shrug. "We need a guide. You look like a great tour-guidey kind of guy."
Again, the creature was silent, surveying them contemplatively.
"You'll find a town just south of here," it grumbled finally. "Folks won't be happy to see you."
"What?" said Jack. He made a broad gesture with his hands encompassing the whole of his body. "Everybody loves me."
"Even I love him," John said with a careless shrug. "What can you do?"
"People say it's the coat," said Jack, "but it's when the coat comes off that the real party starts."
"It's true," said John. "Shoulda seen him before the coat. He'd prance around in shirts made of tissue paper so they'd tear right off at the first sign of a tussle."
"Your banter is mundane. I tire of it," said the creature. Before either of them could jab a witty comeback though, it had faded away, back into the muck.
"Did you hear that?" John said, with a giggle. "He called you mundane."
"No way," said Jack, "He was looking at you."
"No, no, he was captivated, my friend. Watching you with his wide, baby blue eyes. Staring right at you like you had a massive boil on the middle of your forehead."
"So… " Jack said, ignoring him. "What's the plan, then?"
John shrugged.
"South?"
"South is not a plan."
Meanwhile, topside, things were going just as smoothly- if a little less wet.
"Why me?" said Sacha, eyes locked on something in front of him.
"You're the smallest," Xar said dismissively.
"And the least dispensable," Sacha said with a grimace.
"How is there even a debate about this? Aren't you like, basically blood related to caves?"
"Not even touching that one," said Sacha.
"Come on, be a man. Just stick your head in the hole and wiggle around for a while."
"Fine."
Sacha got on his knees, pointedly avoiding eye contact as he inspected the hole like one might do with a questionable pair of very tight pants. There was probably enough room to get in, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to get back out.
Xar whistled and smacked his ass, and he decided he was probably okay with that.
"You're insufferable, you know that?" Sacha said, disappearing into the hole.
"Aw, don't be that way," Xar said, but her voice was distant and echoy from inside the tunnel. "Imagine if that was the last thing you ever said to me. How would you feel then?"
"If I died, you mean? Probably not strongly either way." There was a long pause. "Due to being dead."
No answer. Ahead of him, Sacha saw nothing but pitch dark. Behind him, the exit was nothing but a vaguely yellowish glow. The claustrophobia set in almost immediately, stone walls pressing against his shoulders and back. Eyes that had guided his ancestors through unlit caverns had become lost somewhere down the evolutionary line.
Sacha felt a spike of panic when he realized he couldn't even reach for a gun. He was imaging something else sliding through the tunnel, something long and serpentine that belonged in a place like this. He imagined he felt warm breath from behind him.
"Fucking shitrooster, I hate her so much," he mumbled under his breath, afraid to curse any louder and risk calling attention to himself.
And then he fell out of the tunnel with a sickening slurp, reeling forward into what felt like a swimming pool full of oatmeal. He splashed around furiously for what felt like a lifetime before he realized that whatever he was standing in was only a few feet deep.
Hands quivering slightly, he tapped on his comm.
"I found an opening," he said, sounding acceptably sassy despite his nerves. "Some sort of cavern, but I can't tell how big it is. Can we go over again why I can't use a fucking light?"
"It'd attract attention," said Xar on the comm.
"Sure, sure, but what's the point of coming in here if I can't see?"
"You're scouting," said Xar. "Good job, now that we know it gets wider, I can help. Cobalt can keep watch, and… I'll bring a light."
"Thank you," said Sacha.
He decided not to tell her about the slip-n-slide surprise at the end.
"That's what I'm talking about," John said, arms spread as he approached a building that looked undeniably like a bar. "Come on, we can get cozy with the natives, learn some fun facts, and get shit-faced as a bonus."
"That's your 'brilliant' plan?" said Jack. John shrugged at him. Jack shrugged back. "Okay. Works for me."
