Matthew's POV
"I'm surprised we got a tie for the game," I say.
Tess laughs. "Why are you surprised? I'd be more surprised if we both lost."
We have just finished the interview for the "Nearly Newlyweds Game", and Tess and I both missed three questions about each other.
"In all fairness," I say, "how was I supposed to know your favorite fashion designer is Constantino Mirragio?"
"It's Mirragiano," she corrects, smirking. "And besides, how would I know your favorite pizza topping is pineapple? I didn't even know you liked pizza."
"Why don't I know anything about you?" I cry in outrage.
She laughs. "You missed three questions."
"The other ones were easy."
"You somehow knew my favorite kind of coffee is a decaf hazelnut macchiato with skim milk."
"And you somehow knew my favorite was an Americano?"
We both laugh. "Do you want a normal day today," I ask, "or adventurous? We could go out."
"Matthew, the bachelorette party last night was crazy," she replies, putting a hand to her head. "I swear, I'm still hungover. I kind of want to work out for a bit."
"Okay, I'll go write some songs."
She nods. "You alright?" She's been asking this question almost nonstop since I came back from the hospital. I mean, it was pretty scary for me too, but it gets a bit annoying after a while.
So I say my usual answer. "Yeah."
I go to my room while she goes to hers.
Writing songs have been a really nice stress reliever. It's a musical catharsis for me, and I can finally put my thoughts into lyrics into melodies. The deeper thoughts take form in slow beats and minor chords, and the more upbeat ones are more fast-paced. I get my old Moleskine notebook and find the random lyrics I've been writing.
"Who knows what will happen with you and me? Things are so crazy."
"We're a long, long way from home. Where are we? Nobody knows. But I have an idea."
"I can see all the stars in your eyes."
"Love is like an open flame. It promises hope, desire, and some pain."
The others are a bit pathetic, and I admit, some of these are about Tess. When I first met her, she was really damn frustrating. I don't know why, but it just pissed me off how she would shove her relationship with Michael. I mean, it's different now. I'm engaged to her, and my brother is gone.
My brother's gone.
I write new lyrics down.
"Sometimes I feel like you're still here. But I remember that we're all alone."
I spend the next thirty minutes playing random chords on the guitar, singing spontaneous melodies.
"Shreds of insanity are what's left of me."
Why do I feel so bored? I just don't get it anymore. I feel purposeless. I feel...dead already.
Maybe Dr. Gemini was right. Maybe I should go to that support group. Nobody in this palace knows what I'm going through. They don't understand that my heart feels like a rotten, useless organ because it can't work properly. They don't get that every step I take is like trying to climb a mountain.
I remember that movie I watched with Tess, where the two characters have cancer. They met at a support group. It looked depressing as hell to watch, but at least people knew how you felt.
I just don't feel the satisfaction of pitying myself and seeing people pitying me and trying to empathize with me. It's so pointless. It's like Life; so damn pointless. I don't see why we're even here. I know because of Original Sin and Bible stuff and Adam and Eve and their shitty mistake, but seriously, it's like God left us to fend for ourselves. You got a disease? Well, that sucks for you.
I'm going to the support group. I think there's one at five o'clock, and it's four thirty right now. I'll make it.
I wear a blue polo shirt, khaki shorts, and sneakers. I wonder how unrecognizable I can make myself look. My hair's not gelled, but that might not be enough. I wear a dark hooded sweatshirt, even though it's blisteringly hot outside. Sunglasses. Yeah. I get my wayfarer shades concealing my distinct blue eyes.
Okay. That's probably good enough.
I run out to my car, not bothering to tell anyone I'm leaving. Like I said, it's pointless.
When I get to the hospital, I'm glad to see there are no photographers. Then again, they could be in the bushes. I use the public parking lot and casually use the stairs to get to the sixth floor. I don't believe in no exercise. I'm not using the elevator. Only when I'm truly dying and desperate will I use a machine to do something I'm entirely capable of.
I reach the top of the stairs, and I'm a bit winded, but after taking deep breaths, I'm good. I find the correct room, and inside are chairs set up in a circle. Several people occupy the chairs, and I expect to find some cancer kids, like in the movie, but there aren't any. It makes me wonder if there is a separate group for them or it's so treatable that they don't need a support group anymore.
There's a lady that approaches me, a bit older than I am, and she smiles. "Are you new here?" she asks.
I nod.
"Please, take a seat." She gestures to a plastic chair. "Are the lights too bright for you?"
I realize I'm still wearing my sunglasses. I don't know what would be more suspicious, wearing sunglasses indoors or the prince in a support group. I shake my head and take them off.
After a few minutes, the lady closes the door to the hall. "Welcome everyone," she says. "My name is Violet, and welcome to the cardiac support group."
Ah, so there's a specific group for my kind of people. I nearly laugh at myself. I'm so pathetic.
"I don't believe in the point of telling people what disease you have," Violet continues. I like this lady. "So you can just introduce yourselves and tell your age, if you'd like. Say your hobbies, that kind of thing, and your wishes, et cetera."
A girl with long brown hair stands. She smiles so brightly that you'd think she's not another normal, healthy person. "I'm Karina," she says, giving a little wave. "I'm eighteen, and I love doing yoga. It's really relaxing, and I want to be a yoga trainer and stuff."
She sits down and the next girl stands. Her blond hair is pulled back in a tight bun. "Um, I'm Juno Gemini."
Juno...Where have I heard that name before?
I suddenly remember Dr. Gemini talking about his daughter, and her name is Juno.
"I'm nineteen. I like going to parties and just being crazy," she says, gesticulating wildly, her eyes bright with enthusiasm. Her eyes land on me for a while, then she continues. "I wish I could start drinking again, because there's a certain thrill in drinking alcohol, and it's not just the inebriated buzz you naturally get. It's not the same drinking carbonated apple juice pretending it's champagne."
These people really get me.
A man goes next, probably around my age too. Everyone's almost the same age here. There's no concentrated group of older people. I feel like I'm in a clear pond.
A boy goes next, and he flips his shoulder-length hair over his shoulders. "I'm Wayne," he says, as if he's larger than life. "I'm twenty-one. I like surfing, and I want to be really famous."
I want tell this guy so badly that being well-known has its pitfalls.
It's finally my turn, and I stand, keeping my head and voice low. "I'm Matt," I say. "I like playing the guitar and violin, and I want to live my Life as a normal, healthy, ordinary person."
I see Wayne smirk a bit, and not in the cute way Tess does.
The entire circle finishes, and Violet says, "Do we have any thoughts we want to share?"
A guy, Adrian, raises a hand. "I believe that we're all here for a reason. Not just to die out with this horrible disease."
"But what is that purpose?" Victor says. "Some of us are born with these diseases. Why are we here anyway if we're just going to die?"
"I think that it's a test," says Ava. "I think that we're meant to do something with our Lives. We're all capable of greatness."
We nod to think on that.
"What do you think dying will be like?" Leonardo says absentmindedly. "Do you think it will hurt?"
"I think it's going to be dark for a while, then you'd see a flash of light," says Juno. "Then we'd see the gates of Heaven, or wherever we're supposed to go, then we'd see the face of God."
"I think we're going to be reincarnated," says Karina. "I've been living my Life as a good person, so I believe I will live my next Life as a powerful deity."
No one says anything for a while, trying to decide what they believe in. I'm thinking of what Juno has in mind. It's similar to what I assume would happen after the end of Life.
"Before I was diagnosed," I say, speaking for the first time, "I spent my time reading books because I wanted to live someone else's Life. I didn't spend enough time with my family, and now I'm thinking how stupid I am for wasting precious minutes."
Juno smiles at me sympathetically. "I know what that feels like," she says. "When my dad found out, he was so shattered that night. I felt so bad, because I felt like it was my fault. But then I got to thinking 'Hey, this isn't your fault. Whatever happens, happens. God will take care of you.'"
This girl is surprisingly religious considering the fact her name is of a Roman goddess's. But that's Greek mythology, the key word there being myth.
"I don't want to die because I don't want my parents to be left with nothing," I say.
"Are you an only child?" Leonardo asks. He's quite inquisitive, but they're questions worth answering.
I shake my head. "No, I have younger siblings, but, uh, my older brother passed away a few months ago."
"That must be hard," notes Victor, and everyone else nods, like they understand. But the thing is, they do understand. They get it.
"It's funny," Karina says, nearly smiling. "When you guys walked in here, your auras were very gray and dingy. But now, I sense purple because of these spiritual thoughts."
"Can you really see auras?" Leonardo says. Karina nods excitedly, glad that someone is paying attention.
"I wish I could eat something," Victor says glumly.
Karina gasps. "Keep the red aura away from affecting everyone! Your materialistic thoughts will change everyone's minds."
But it's too late. Everyone's talking about how they actually miss being hungry. I don't think I could miss a meal. I guess I'm too food-obsessed to experience that symptom. I cook, I bake, I eat...Not dealing with food would be like not walking. You just have to do it.
"Hey, we should bring the newcomer to the Diner," Juno says optimistically. "I mean, we can all share a plate of fries or something because I'm actually hungry."
I grin. "Same here."
"Okay, don't rub it in, guys," Victor says, but his smile convinces me that he's kidding.
So a minute later, we stack up the plastic chairs and start our walk to Debby's Diner. The sun's out, and it's sunny, and frankly, I don't remember the last time I walked to somewhere.
I sort of keep to myself as we walk, staying at the back of the group. My sunglasses are on, hood is up, no one will know I'm the prince bound to die.
However, a figure slows her pace and sidles beside me. "Hey," Juno says. "You okay there?"
The least I can do is look at her. I nod.
"You don't talk much, do you?" she asks.
I shrug.
"Well, I'm Juno," she says, and she sticks out her hand.
I can't remember the last time I shook a girl's hand as a way of greeting. But she doesn't know who I am, so I shake her hand. "I'm Matt," I say.
"Yeah, I know," she says, laughing a bit. "We kind of introduced ourselves in there."
I grin. "You introduced yourself in there too."
"Yeah, I know."
I chuckle.
"So you play instruments, huh?" she asks, and we reach the diner. She opens the door for me, and again, I'm surprised. I mumble a thank you to her and walk inside.
The Diner's small and homey. Cracked red vinyl seats and black and white tiles give it a cozy feeling. There's even a vintage record player at the end of the metal counter, and Adrian sets down a record. The room fills with loud, smooth music, and...ah, the smell of fried stuff. I love it.
The support group shares occupies an entire booth, and I sit next to Juno.
"Yeah, I play instruments," I say, answering her question.
She nods, almost approvingly. "So do you, like, write stuff?"
"Um, kind of."
"I bet you already have a record deal waiting for you."
I smile, because she's right. "Nah, I'm more of a busker. Or those open mic things." I've never been to one, but it would be so great to see potential musicians who just want a chance.
"Really?" Juno says, smiling. "I love those things. Oh, don't get me started on poetry slams. Mm, those are the best."
"Poetry slams?" I say, grinning now. "Those sound even more fun."
"Oh, yeah, definitely," she says. "Do you go to one with me?"
I nearly frown and refuse straight up. "I have a, uh, girlfriend," I say. Nineteen-year-old guys aren't usually engaged unless they're royalty, so it's probably best to not tell her I'm engaged to Tess, the princess of Italy no less.
She waves her hand, as if I was silly for even thinking she was asking me out. "I'm not asking you out for a date, dude."
Whoa, nobody in my Life, ever, has called me dude. It's so weird. Peculiarity is the theme of the day it seems.
"Besides," Juno says, "I have a boyfriend."
So I tilt my head in confusion. "So, why do you want to bring me to an outing?"
"Because you actually get what I'm going through," she says. She nods her head to the rest of the group, laughing and jeering at each other while they eat curly fries. I take one, because I've actually never eaten a curly fry. It's soggy and salty and nothing like anything the palace would prepare.
But at the same time, it tastes so good. It represents the freedom I've just granted myself.
"Have you told your girlfriend about your, um, disease?" Juno says, breaking me apart from my thoughts.
I nod. "Yeah, I did. She's taking it better than I expected, but sometimes she overdoses on the 'Are you okay?' part."
Juno nods, a sympathetic smile on her face. "Ah, I totally get what you're saying. My boyfriend, Owen, started getting my water for me all the time. I'm like, 'Dude, I'm sick, but that doesn't mean I can't get it myself. It's just a fucking water.'"
I laugh. "I mean, at the same time, it's really nice and thoughtful," I say.
She nods. "Yeah, I'm glad there are people out there at least making an effort to go through what you're going through, even when they don't understand completely."
"How long has it been since you were diagnosed?" I ask.
She shrugs. "I dunno. Two years maybe? And I probably have a year left, give or take."
It makes me cringe when she talks about it so carelessly. I realize this is what I've been doing the entire time.
"Hey, will you come to my funeral?" she asks, sounding genuinely excited about it.
I grimace for a millisecond then I nod with a smile. "Yeah, of course."
She checks her watch. "Shit, my mom wanted me home thirty minutes ago. Um, here's the address to the cafe with awesome poetry slams." She grabs a napkin and pulls out a pen from the pocket of her cutoff shorts. "I'll meet you tomorrow at eight? Oh, and feel free to bring your girlfriend. You know, if she's into poetry and stuff."
I try to remember when the wedding is, but I'm pretty sure it's not until another two days. "Yeah, sure. See you there."
"See ya, Matt," she says, smiling. She waves to the rest of the group. "See ya later, defected bitches."
"Bye, Juno," they all say.
It's so weird how she calls them "bitches" so casually, and they respond as if it's normal. I thought my home in comparison to the Palace of Versailles was warm and loose, but here, it's as if the gates are wide open and the field is vast and full of opportunities.
I bid goodbye as well, and head home. I get to the Dining Hall, and everyone's staring at me like I've already died and I've just risen from the dead.
"Matthew," my mother cries in relief, practically sprinting to me. She wraps me in a nearly suffocating hug.
"Where the hell were you, Son?" Father says.
I shrug. "I just wanted to go for a drive."
I don't know why I don't want to tell them. I'm pretty honest with my family. But it's been different since I've known my heart's condition. The truth only hurts more. If they know I went to a support group meeting, they'd think they're not doing enough to support me. They already don't understand; I don't think they'd understand this.
"You could have at least told us!" Mother says, holding me, her fingernails digging into my shoulders.
"Mother, calm down. I was only gone for, what, an hour?"
"Ames," Father says, trying to soothe my worried mother. I shrug while that's going on, and take my seat next to Tess.
She gapes at me like I'm a ghost. Shit, did I die already? No, I feel like I would have known.
"So you just left?" she says.
I shrug and nod, and she shakes her head. "You went for a drive?" she asks. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah!" I say enthusiastically. "I'm better than fine, actually. Hey, you want to go to a poetry slam tomorrow?"
Tess frowns. "A poetry slam? You're into that stuff?"
"Come on, they'll have coffee."
She considers it for a moment, and the gears of her brain always work perfectly. She grins. "As long as your parents know this time. Mom was getting worked up, and she was more than willing to send the entire national guard to find you."
I laugh. "That's hilarious."
"Aren't you going to eat?" she asks, gesturing to the venison.
I smile. "I'm not hungry. I had a light snack before getting here."
"Matthew, please, I hope you're lying. You're always hungry."
"I ate a decent amount of curly fries, but I might have some later."
Worry and concern fill her eyes as she goes back to eating venison. "You know a lack of appetite is a symptom."
I'm really not that hungry because I'm pretty sure I finished three-fourths of the fries, but I take a small piece of meat just to satisfy her. I'm glad actually; it tastes amazing.
"It's good," I say, grabbing some salad.
"Matthew Schreave," Tess says, a deadly tone to her voice, "you're eating salad."
"Because I'm an omnivore?"
"Are you really okay?"
"Yes, love. Get your shit together."
She frowns. "That's a first."
Keeping secrets from my parents prove to be easy. Keeping secrets from Tess is a different thing altogether.
So that was really long. Just a heads up cuz I might not be able to update in a while. Orientation's on Friday T_T I'm going to get lost on campus. "AcademicGirl dies on campus because the older, bigger people crushed her 5-foot self." Soooo yeah.
QOTD: What is your favorite fast food and "fancy" food?
Answer to previous QOTD: The Selection or Harry Potter. I have to pick between being a princess or a witch, sexy Maxon Schreave or The Boy Who Lived, rebels or Voldemort and Death Eaters, a palace and a castle with weird staircases, Natalie or Luna Lovegood, Celeste or Draco Malfoy...Tbh the only reason I want to be in The Selection is to meet Maxon. Like, ladies, come on. Who the hell does not want to meet Maxon? Or even Aspen? I'm assuming he's hot soooo...
Thanks for the reviews!
Athenachild101- Eh, age is just a number :) Thanks for reviewing!
Please-and-Thankyou's- Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to be self-absorbed, but those quotes you picked are lovely. And kiss ass? Girl, I'd pick The Selection any day just to meet Maxon and America :) I even want to meet Celeste. Thanks so much!
ReadLikeYouMeanIt- I'm glad you liked that chapter :) It's so weird to write a kissing scene sometimes :P Yeah, updating's tough sometimes when people keep egging you on to keep updating. It's like "DUDE, I'm trying my best. Keep your shit together." Sooo yeah :) Thanks so much!
selectionprincess59- Ooh is The Distance Between Us good? I heard it's good. Should I read it? Thanks for reviewing!
Theoneforever- Obvi, duh :P Glad you liked that chapter :) Thanks so much!
Maria- Oooooh Divergent. I think I'd be born into Erudite (my parents are doctors), and I'd choose Erudite. So yeah :) What faction would you be born in and what would you choose? Thanks so much!
KhrystineR- Haha fattening. Just like chocolate (yet I continue to eat it). Yeah, books are great :) Thanks so much!
lilythemermaid- It was gorgeous, wasn't it? Yasss midget ninja FTW! Haha, O, I could almost imagine the intense stare encased by your tortoise-shell Versace glasses :P Haha awww you're rereading it. That makes me so happy :D Thank you so much! Mwah, LALOL
Kiren- Yeah, classes start Tuesday. Sigh. I kinda like school, though; it gives me purpose. Try Graceling; the girl doesn't want a boyfriend :) Thanks so much!
winterprincess- Haha eh, it's a lot of technical medical stuff. I kinda don't get it myself, but oh well :) Hahaha the ending scene. Idk the answer to your question; was it the chapter or you that was hot? :P Is the Iron Fey good? It sounds interesting. Thanks so much!
fantasybookgirl- I'm glad you liked the song cuz I wrote it :P I'm not a great songwriter, but I try. I really wish you guys could hear it. :) Oooh Gallagher Girls. I would make a badass spy (not really; I can't keep secrets, I'm TERRIBLE). Thanks so much!
dakotamo- Hot and heavy ;) Glad you loved it! Thank you so much!
bubble4life- Yeah, I think I'd be a daughter of Athena or Apollo :) Who among the gods would be your parent? Thanks for reviewing!
Guest- I won't make Matt die, so to speak :P And I'm so happy you love my story! Thank you so much!
SJWrites2014- Ooooh intense and passionate. I love it :) Thank you so much!
ilona18- Glad you loved it! Thanks so much!
PokemonLuver151- Yeah, so many books, what to choose? Lol thanks so much!
LittleMissTori- Ahhhh glad you loved it! Yeah, I have never wanted to go to Pacha so much before. I didn't even know what it was until I knew Ansel Elgort would be there. And someone got to have a private Skype call! Wtf?! Haha yeah, fangirls...Thank you so much!
prnamber3909- Haha fangirlish should totally be a word. I'm all up for neologism :) Thank you so much!
PrincessIndia- New reviewer! Awwww thank yoooou! I'm so glad you like my writing! I actually got a review for the first story saying it gave the reader a headache, but I'm kinda like "whatev I have other amazing people" (like you). Thank you so much!
Love ya!- AcademicGirl
