{the futile bird}
-They bought children, worked a little on the raw material, and resold them afterwards-
As a child, things had been… hard. There was a lot of things he cared not to remember. To the point where it became a problem. He tried so, so, so hard just to make the bad things go away, he could barely appreciate the good things anymore. His heart was iron, and his lungs were steel, and he wanted to lock away the memories of rapid heartbeats and screaming.
He had been twelve when he had met Batman. Twelve, and broken beyond complete healing. He liked to pretend he wasn't though. He was happy to fake happiness, and soon enough he found that he wasn't sure what the difference was between being fake and being Jason.
His mother had been terminally ill. He remembered that much. He knew she had overdosed, and sometimes he wondered if that had been his fault. He should have been watching her more carefully. He should have been there for her, but he hadn't been, and now she was gone. So what happened after that?
Pain, he thought. Pain, and lies.
"I wanna fight with you," Jason had said to Bruce one night. He had been nearing his thirteenth birthday, and he was growing taller now. Alfred had to buy him new clothes a lot, because he kept outgrowing them.
The Batman thing was cool. Jason was desperate to learn more about what he did, but Bruce was reluctant to let Jason in the cave. He didn't want Jason to be mixed up in any of it, and that made Jason angry, because what? Did he think Jason couldn't handle it? He could! He was way stronger than anyone gave him credit for.
"No," Bruce said, pushing back his cowl. He sat down in his chair, ignoring Jason as he leapt up onto a platform, leaning over him expectantly. "Go upstairs, Jason, you're not supposed to be down here."
"But it's so cool," Jason gasped, exasperated. "And, like, I never get to see you. You're always down here. So why can't I be down here?"
Bruce was a safe haven. Jason could not stand not being with him, because he was safe, the safest person he had ever met. The attachment was unhealthy, but Jason couldn't help it. His track record had dissuaded him from trusting very many men. And Bruce was nice, and he cared about Jason, and Jason just wanted to be the good son. He wanted to prove that he cared about Bruce too.
"It's dangerous," Bruce said. Jason actually laughed aloud, feeling bitter and irritated.
"I've lived out on those streets!" Jason cried, jerking his hand away from him. "Bruce, if anyone knows what's going on out there, it's me!"
"Jason," Bruce said, never looking up. "Go upstairs."
Rage and confusion spiked through him. It wasn't fair. Bruce got to go out in the streets, bang up criminals, lock them away. That was all Jason had ever wanted to do! But he'd been too weak, too small. With Batman, he wouldn't be. He'd be the strongest there ever was.
"No!" Jason slammed his open palm on Bruce's desk, resulting in a large bang. Bruce looked at him sharply, and Jason felt a little triumphant. "Just— just please, listen to me! I can't stay cooped up in here every night while you go off, and— and do all this stuff that I wish I could do, could've done before, and I want to!" There were tears stinging his eyes, but they were angry tears. "You're everything I want to be, so let me try! I can do it, I know I can, please!"
He'd let himself cry a little. That had done it. Bruce didn't like it when Jason cried, the rare occasion that he did. Jason didn't want to be weak, but he understood the rules of manipulation. And for all of Batman's big, threatening nature, he was pretty damn soft inside. He didn't like the sight of children crying.
His training had been intense, but fun. He'd enjoyed it immensely, and he eagerly listened to every word Bruce told him, soaking it all in. He wanted to be good, so he was going to be good, and there was no one who could hold him back. He was happy, and he'd never been happier in his entire life. Bruce gave him a chance to forget, to live, and Jason… Jason would never forget it.
The bird thing had been an accident. Jason had been joking around, listing off all the embarrassing nicknames he'd rather than Batboy. Blue Jay had been one of them. And, somehow, through various conversations and the evolution of a really stupid slip of the tongue, Blue Jay had stuck. The costume had been a compromise. Jason had wanted something that looked tough, so that's why the jerkin was sleeveless. The cape had been Bruce's idea, but Jason had insisted it be split into two streams, because it looked cooler. Alfred had embroidered the wings without Jason's knowledge, and when he went to try on the jerkin for the first time, he had to do a double take.
But it was all worth it. Flying with Batman? It was the most exhilarating feeling in the entire world. Jason felt like nothing could hurt him, and that might have been the problem. He was just so happy to be there, so amazed by the world, so desperate to try these things that he just couldn't get a grasp on reality. It was like he was in a dream, and everything was just speeding toward and away from him. Nothing could touch him, because he was flying, and he was stronger than it all.
When Batgirl appeared, it was sorta just like… oh. Well. Because, you know, she was super cool, but Batman was always like, "Go home, Barbara." And Jason was always like, "He's like that with everyone, don't feel bad." And Barbara was always like, "I don't feel bad, I feel pissed!" Well, it went on for a little while before Batman finally gave in, and let her have a legitimate suit. But by then Batgirl wanted nothing to do with Batman, so she took the suit and what training Bruce could offer her, and she patrolled on her own.
She had a major soft spot for Jason though.
"Hey, Baby Blue," she said, dropping beside him on the ledge of a roof. Jason was staking out, waiting for Batman to return from a quick perimeter check. Quick, meaning he would probably be less than an hour. Batgirl was holding a thermos tight in her fingers, wearing fingerless, woolen gloves over her normal ones. The night was blustering, and there were snowflakes melting in her blood-red hair. "How's it hanging?"
"Is that coffee?" Jason asked, already half reaching for the thermos. She handed it over without a word, smiling wanly as he gulped down the warm, bitter taste of the brew. It sloshed in his mouth, lukewarm and pungent. "Babs, this is really shitty coffee."
"Well, then give it back."
"No." He took another swig of it, and swallowed, his face screwing up in distaste. He could feel the affects of the caffeine, and he was thankful. When he did give it back, Batgirl took a sip, unfazed by how cold and bitter it was. "What are you doing here?"
She shrugged. Batgirl had actually helped start a team of superheroes not too long ago, and since then she patrolled Gotham less often. But she still liked to come around, because it was her home, and it needed the extra hands. "Just seeing how my favorite little bird is doing," she laughed, closing up her thermos. Jason wrinkled his nose.
"I'm not little," he objected. "I'm like, only a few inches shorter than you. You're the midget."
"I'm pretty average height, actually. But nice try." She smiled, her eyes trailing over the Gotham skyline. Barbara Gordon was the closest thing Jason could call a friend. She was there for him whenever she could be, and she genuinely seemed to enjoy his company. She liked how outspoken he was, and he liked how she never took anyone's shit They were a pretty good team.
"How's the team thing going?" he asked, taking another swig of coffee. Still tasted like warm piss.
She smiled a little, and shrugged. "It's cool," she said, her head tipping backwards to look up at the stars. "We got a new member. She's, um… otherworldly."
"Nice," he remarked, rolling his eyes. "Like, Superman otherworldly?"
Batgirl laughed. "Yeah, something like that. Her name is Koriand'r."
Jason blinked, and his brow furrowed a bit. "Wow," he said. "That's… um, fancy."
"You can call her Starfire," Batgirl said, shrugging. "She's… not used to earth, really. It's difficult to explain. I think she's just suffering from culture shock."
"Kay, so there's you, Kid Flash, Speedy—"
"Speedy left," Batgirl reminded.
"Oh," Jason said. He'd forgotten, Speedy had gotten involved in some nasty drug situation, and left the Teen Titans and Green Arrow. He was MIA, as far as Jason knew. "Right. So no Speedy. Aqualad still there?" Batgirl nodded. "Wonder Girl, um…" Jason tilted his head back too. "Shit, I forget the rest."
"Cyborg," Batgirl reminded gently. "Raven."
"Y'all are misfits," Jason said, grinning up at her. She laughed, and he found himself staring at his hands in thought. I might fit on that team.
His life was a rollercoaster, and he was without a safety bar. He knew a lot of things, horrible things, and Bruce could never understand. He'd never lived it. But Jason understood how cruel the world was. He just wished that everyone else would open their eyes, and realize that justice was an eye for an eye, not an eye for eight months of jail time.
"Shit!" Jason cried, hatred boiling in his veins as he watched the thug, a man he knew had been charged with rape and murder, but had been acquitted, disappear into the night. "He got away!"
The kid that had fallen was okay, it seemed, so Jason wasn't particularly concerned. Jason was a pretty good cushion, and he was relieved he had been there to break the fall, but like, fuck! That son of a bitch had gotten away! And Jason was pissed. So fucking pissed, he left the boy without even checking to make sure he got inside. He would feel immensely guilty about it later, but he couldn't help it. His blood was on fire, and his iron heart was bursting with rage and disgust. Memories were pounding against the wall of ice he'd built in his head, snarling and screaming and raging like flames to get out.
"Jason," Bruce hissed, looming over him. "You put an arrow through his hand."
Jason glared at the floor. It wasn't fair. Bruce just wasn't being fair, and why didn't he understand? Even Barbara had been angry with him, and he'd saved her life! What I did was right, Jason thought stubbornly. No one can tell me I wasn't right. "He hurt Batgirl," Jason spat right back into Bruce's face. "He was going to kill her!" Or worse. He pushed that thought out of his head fast.
"That's no excuse."
"Uh," Jason said, "yeah, it is! Look, it's not like there will be any major damage. Maybe some nerve stuff, but let's be real, B, he ain't gonna be needing his hand much in jail."
"You don't understand," Bruce said, sighing as he pinched the bridge his nose. Jason's brow furrowed in confusion. No, you're the one who doesn't understand, he thought bitterly. You still don't understand, after all this time. How could you? Jason had never told him, because Jason didn't want to remember. How could he understand? "You aimed to cause that man pain, Jason, not to apprehend him. That's not how we do things. We don't hurt people, not for pleasure."
Jason had snapped at that. He felt fire and ice dance around in his stomach, fear and rage locked in a battle of hatred and shame. "Do you really think I'm that sick?" Jason growled, pushing away from the wall he'd been leaning against. "I didn't do it because I like hurting people! How could you even believe that? I just wanted to get even for what he did to Babs!"
And at that, Bruce looked remorseful. "It wasn't right," he said slowly, his voice softening. "And I… I think I do get it, but I can't forgive it. You're benched for two weeks."
Jason wanted to fight it, but he was too angry, too ashamed, too tired. He glared up into Bruce's face, and he brushed past him. In the end, they made up, and Jason was allowed out again. By this time, Gotham was sporting a new dynamic duo, and it was the weirdest fucking thing in the world, Jason could not fathom how fucking weird it was.
"Um," he said faintly, pointing at the little boy in leather. "B, that ain't Catwoman."
"No."
The boy looked sheepish, clutching a diamond the size of his fist. He was very skinny, way skinnier than Jason was, all sharp, bony angles and awkward limbs. He was wearing a leather cat suit, not dissimilar to Catwoman's, and it seemed to hug his body like a second skin. He looked more comfortable in it than Jason felt in his uniform, if he had to be honest. His suit was zipped all the way up to his chin, and then zipped a little more, showing that he was very reserved. He was a miniature Catwoman, right down to the little whip at his hip.
Then the boy gave a soft little laugh, and he sounded like a child. "Uh," he said, placing a hand on his cocked hip. "Duh!"
Jason studied the boy's face, which was half covered by his goggles and cowl. Jason scowled a bit at the boy, and cracked his knuckles. "Kay, I could stand to wipe that smirk off his face. Gimme the word, Batman."
"Blue Jay," Batman warned, his voice a low growl. "Calm."
Jason folded his arms across his chest, glaring at the dumb Catboy. He watched the kid toss the diamond in the air like a baseball, catching it easily, and he cocked his head. He smiled coyly, and walked along the edge of the building. "Wow," he said, his voice high and sweet. "Batman. This is for real."
Jason cocked an eyebrow. "Are you for real?" he asked, frowning.
The boy smiled sweetly at Jason, and he shrugged his bony little shoulders. "Maybe," he giggled, jumping up on the ledge, tossing the diamond up again and catching it. "Maybe not. How about you, blue bird? You for real?"
Jason threw his head back and groaned. The boy was infuriating. He looked up at Batman, his eyes narrowing. "Please. Please, just one punch, that's all I ask."
The boy's laughter grated Jason's ears, and Jason threw him a dirty look. He was still tossing the diamond like it was a motherfucking baseball, and Jason was bothered just looking at him. "You could be a little friendlier," the boy said, giving a little pout. "I mean, we'll probably be seeing more of each other. If the track record serves."
Jason sneered, and he rolled his eyes. Sadly, the boy could not see that. He tossed up the diamond again, watching the duo inch steadily closer to him. He smiled a little, and he whipped the diamond at Jason. He blinked in surprise, his body curling in apprehension to catch it. Only, a hand flashed in front of his face, and snatched out of the air before he even had to blink. Jason whirled around, growling under his breath as Catwoman clutched the diamond with the tips of her silver claws.
"Too slow, bird boy," she cooed at him, though her eyes were on Batman, and only Batman. It made Jason a little sick. "Kitten, come here. It's okay, they won't hurt you."
The boy looked a little apprehensive, and that surprised Jason. There was a softness to his steps, as if he was avoiding landmines as he scurried to Catwoman's side. He stood behind her, folding his arms across his chest as he raised his head high. Jason was getting mixed signals.
"Now," Catwoman said, tapping her lip with her free hand. "I think we have a dilemma here. Now, I want this pretty little diamond— but, I'm sure you do too, don't you?"
The boy was quiet as he watched them, and Jason could almost see the color of his eyes behind his tinted goggles. Almost. He was shifted behind her, looking a little nervous. Jason found that curious. Not so confident now that she's here, huh? He wondered why that was. Shouldn't it just be the opposite? Unless he was scared. Scared to disappoint her, or… That's gotta be it.
"Catwoman," Batman growled. "We've done this dance a thousand times, but a child? You do realize that when you do to jail, he'll be sent to a juvenile detention center."
"Ha," Catwoman said, leaning away from them. "Ha. Ha ha. Wow, how cute. You know you can't talk, sweetie, so do us all a favor." Jason flung himself away as she leapt forward, her sharp silver claws glinting as they dragged down Batman's chest. "Shut up," she breathed, tilting her head up to kiss him. Jason wrinkled his nose, feeling exasperated.
"Um," he said, running his fingers through his hair as he watched Batman grab her hand. "Excuse me!" Batman pulled back, staring at her hand. And then he looked past her. Jason followed his gaze. "Oh fuck." The boy was gone.
Catwoman smiled sweetly, and gave Batman another peck on the cheek. "Having a partner," she purred, tilting Batman's chin up with her free hand. "Who knew?" She kicked him hard in the jaw, forcing him to stumble back, and Jason bolted after her, a batarang in hand. He jumped, flipping over her head, and she paused, dodging the batarang, but not the swift kick to her abdomen. She stumbled back, and flung herself to the side before Batman could catch her. She dove off the roof, and Jason paused, eyes wide.
"Well," Jason said, peering over the edge. She'd disappeared. "You could have handled that better."
Batman said nothing. He only glared. So Jason went on, because he was irritated as fuck. "Once again your raging boner has us losing to Catwoman." Jason smiled wide, and clapped. "Now, are we going to go after her?"
Batman spun around swiftly. "No point," he grunted. "The boy has the diamond."
I hate that kid, Jason decided glumly.
If only that was the last they saw of him. Over the next year Batman and Blue Jay came across the other duo, and the boy became just as slippery as his mentor. She was obviously training him, because when it came to a fight, the boy was able to deflect a good portion of Jason's blows. Of course, Jason still won. Because Jason was cool like that. Anyway, Catlad, as he was beginning to be called, was getting more and more confident. Quips and jokes were thrown back and forth, and Jason got to punch him in the face a few times— which felt a little less satisfying than he had thought it would be.
At some point, they became… friends… ish? Like, Jason wasn't quite sure when it had happened, somewhere between Jason giving him a bloody nose, and Catlad bringing him a sandwich while he'd been on patrol. Jason had been reluctant to take it, but the boy had been insistent.
"I didn't steal it," he said, sounding confused. "I do have money, you know."
"Then why steal things?" Jason shot at him, ready to grab a batarang.
The boy looked down, and he fiddled with the zipper at his neck, shrugging. "I mean…" He pulled up his goggles, and Jason saw his eyes for the first time ever. They were blue, bright blue, and more innocent than Jason could have ever imagined. He was naïve. Jason could see that in his features, in his big, wonderstruck eyes. He was a boy made out of curiosity, and Jason was a boy made out of pain. "Why do you fight crime? Because Batman does."
"You steal because Catwoman steals," Jason said, his voice dark. "Great to know how great an influence she is."
"Hey!" Catlad's eyes flashed dangerously. "Catwoman, she's not a bad person. She's just got a taste for thievery."
Jason sighed, and he shrugged. "Whatever, man," he grumbled, dropping to the ground, and crossing his legs as he unwrapped the sandwich. "Want some?"
The boy looked surprised. He looked down at him, and he beamed, bending to his knees to take a half of the sandwich. After that, Jason had managed to forge a belligerent friendship with the boy. He talked softly, and Jason wondered how such a shy boy had wound up with Catwoman. It became increasingly clear that he wasn't very much one for Catwoman's trickery. He was soft spoken, innocent and smiling, happy to have someone to talk to.
He was a total dork. Jason told him so, but the boy didn't seem to mind. He talked about books he'd read, and video games he liked to play, and Jason ended up picking them up after school sometimes so he could understand the boy's blabbering. In the end he almost looked forward to their fights. While Catwoman and Batman did their flirting, he could have a real friend around his age. And that was something new entirely.
"So what's his name?" Jason ended up asking Bruce one day, after a more… steamy encounter with Catwoman, that he had not gotten anywhere near. Instead, he went with Catlad to get ice cream, and read in a park.
Bruce had been a little unsure at first. "Excuse me?" he asked.
"Catlad." Jason rolled his eyes, blowing a stray curl out of his eyes. "Like, come on, I know you know."
Bruce sighed, and he sat down at the kitchen table. "Why do you need to know?" he asked, and Jason puffed out his cheeks in irritation. Bruce was only teasing, but he picked the worst times to do so.
"Um," Jason said, "because he's my friend? Like, he's a total pain in the ass, but he's not that bad."
Bruce had the slimmest vestige of a smile, but it seemed to fall. "You know, he might not be the best choice in a friend, Jason," he said slowly.
Jason actually barked a laugh, a bitter, incredulous laugh. "Oh my god," he said, his voice dull. "I am so not in the mood for that hypocritical shit right now, Bruce."
He watched the man's eyebrows rise. Then he smiled, and gave a slight chuckle. "His name is Tim," Bruce said. "Selina took him in a little over two years ago, now. She has her reasons, and I trust that. He only steals because she does, and she's trying to hammer it into her head that he doesn't have to be like her." Bruce was studying Jason's face closely. "She wants him to know that his life is his life, not hers. He doesn't have anything to prove to her, but he doesn't understand. And whenever she tries to tell him that… well, he doesn't listen. Something you two have in common, I imagine."
Jason scoffed, and he sat down beside Bruce, tipping his chair back precariously. "Please," he said, rolling his eyes. "I'm nothing like the little shit. But I'll talk to him about maybe cutting back on the theft."
Bruce stared at him, and he sighed, shaking his head.
Everything seemed to be going fine. Batgirl took him to meet the Teen Titans, and it was… odd. They liked him well enough though. He was surprised. They seemed to accept him for who he was, a boy with a loud mouth, a brash attitude. They didn't expect him to be more than who he was, and he appreciated that. They told him he wasn't much like Batgirl, but hey, Batgirl was pretty one of a kind. Jason had to agree.
"Hey," Jason said after Starfire gave him a goodbye kiss on the cheek. "Babs, was she holding your hand before, or was I tripping?"
Batgirl shrugged, patting his arms as a signal for him to wrap them around her stomach. "She likes to do that," Batgirl said slowly, revving up her bike. "I'm sure you've noticed she's touchy."
"Uh," Jason said, giving a short laugh, "yeah, I noticed. But she seems extra touchy with you."
"Really?" She sounded surprised. "I actually… hadn't noticed, to be honest. Maybe it's…"
"Maybe it's…?" Jason couldn't hear her very well. They were driving too fast, and the wind was rushing in his ears. They were both wearing helmets, which muffled their voices further.
"Nothing."
As time melted by, Jason neared his sixteenth birthday, and the world spun on its head. It was the pressure building to a cataclysmic event, and his entire life was a stepladder to a glorious, horrifying drop. The steady build up was crushing him, pinning him beneath the weight of sorrow and memories and pain. He wanted to be stronger. But strength never came, and he was stuck in a rut of his own making.
By the time they had to deal with Felipe Garzonas, Jason was breaking. He could feel the cracks in his wall of ice, and his iron heart was bursting. The longer he had to linger on thoughts of scum like Felipe, the more he could feel sheets of ice sloughing off his wall, feel the chasms form and feel the memories hiss at him, crackling like flames as they leaked. He didn't want to think about it, but he couldn't help it.
It had been a trying case to begin with, trying to work around Felipe's diplomatic immunity. He was a rapist, a druggie, a worthless shitstain. And yet, he was going to get out of this situation without a single fucking scratch. Even if he was deported, nothing would actually be done about it. And Jason was pissed. Not even Catlad, who had been watching Jason's progress from afar, could pacify the festering loathing that built inside of him. Jason was beyond recognition, dizzy from fury and disgust. There was nothing human about what Garzonas did to women. And Jason, who was fracturing apart, his insides unraveling from the sight of the corpse of a woman who had been Garzonas's victim.
She hung herself, Jason thought, dropping onto the man's fire escape. His thoughts were fire, and they were overwhelming his brain. He was overheating, and he was ready to puke. She didn't want to hurt anymore, so she hung herself, and it's his fault. It's all his fault.
Jason had been blind with his own rage, and he wasn't quite sure what had happened himself. He'd sprung, punching the man in the stomach, then the jaw, and he kept punching, kept swing, kept praying the man would disappear from existence, because filth like him shouldn't exist. He was disgusting, and he needed to stop. He needed to be taught a lesson about humanity. Jason's iron heart was pounding, and he felt it screech as it bent, bursting open, and releasing a flume of fire. In his head, ice shuddered, and snapped, and he felt the world spin and spin and spin as long buried memories shivered and moaning, rising from the grave to chill him to the bone.
Felipe fell. That had not been Jason's intention, but it had been his fault. Too many blows, and the man had not withstood it. He fell. And Jason, heaving and blinking in shock, watched him go. He flew to the rail, grasping it and bending over, his eyes widening. The man's shrieking was echoing in his head, the sound mixing with Jason's own shrieking. Jason was waiting for the sound of a body smacking against pavement as he closed his eyes.
It never came.
"Blue Jay, what happened?" Batman growled, jumping onto the balcony. Jason looked up at him, his mouth opening. He had nothing to say. He looked down, and he saw that Felipe was gone. How…? Jason looked away, pressing his lips together thinly. He couldn't speak. He might scream. "Blue Jay, did Felipe fall… or was he pushed?"
Jason almost did scream. He didn't want to hear it. He turned away, and as he did something dropped between them. Hard. Jason whipped around, streams of silver and black whirling around him, and his teeth gnashed together in rage. Felipe. Alive, shell-shocked, his body curling up as he gasped, his beady eyes wide and blood shot.
"I confess!" he screeched, his fingers clapping over his head. His right forearm was bloody, five long lacerations open and spewing. Jason's stomach dropped a little as he craned his neck up, seeing a blur of black streak across the sky. His anger, his disgust, it all flooded back to him and projected out. Tim, Jason thought, shaking in fury as he leapt onto the balcony, shooting his grappling gun. He ignored Batman's shout for him, and he swung away, following his friend without thought or feeling. Only bitter rage and fire fueled him.
He followed Tim blindly. He knew Batman wasn't behind him, because there wasn't a chance the bastard would leave Garzonas to go after Jason. No way. So he leapt through the air, the sky growing steadily dimmer as the chase kept up. Tim weaved between buildings, and Jason followed, his heart pounding in his ears, a great roaring fire spewing from its iron maw. He was going insane from the heat, and he let a scream rip into the unfurling twilight.
Tim must have heard it, because he stopped. His body was still lanky and awkward, but less so. He seemed to be growing into his skinny limbs and wonder-filled eyes. He stood on a roof, his body language loose. He cocked his head at Jason as he landed before him, breathless and enraged. Tim raised his hands, and Jason saw that the silver claws of his right one were stained red.
"Look, I don't want to step on any toes—" He cut off with a sharp gasp as he stumbled back, Jason's fist smashing into his cheek. He looked up, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion and pain. "What was that?"
"No one asked you to save that scumbag!" Jason snapped, punching Tim again, this time in the stomach. The boy's eyes flew wide with pain, and he whirled away from the third punch, driving a swift kick to Jason's abdomen to force him back.
"Are you crazy?" Tim gasped, his voice breaking and going very high. "Hello! Jay, you pushed him off a balcony!"
"I didn't push him!" Jason spat, knocking the boy onto his back, and watching him roll onto his feet. "I… I punched him. He got scared. I didn't push him!"
Jason could feel the ghost of fingers on his skin, and he blinked rapidly as Tim tackled him, pinning him down as he fought to get up. His heart was pounding hard, and so was his head, and he felt tears in his eyes as he felt his wall completely crumble. He thought he might scream, or sob, and thrash. He didn't. Instead, everything in him broke. He felt it slip away from him, his rage and pain and confusion. He turned it off, as his memories surfaced, bitter memories of sloppy kisses and hot tears.
"Well, now that we're comfy," Tim said, his claws digging into Jason's wrists. "Maybe you'll listen now?"
Do I have a choice? He felt numb. His entire body tingled, and he knew this feeling, knew it well. It was an easy feeling. A coping mechanism. Maybe if Gloria had learned to turn herself off, she wouldn't have… No, Jason couldn't put himself in her shoes. It had to be different for her. Part of him was almost jealous that she had gotten out, while he was stuck inside his own mechanical version of feeling.
"I don't want to hurt you," Tim said. Jason watched him, and he wanted to laugh. I don't want to hurt you, was usually a lie told to get him to shut up before it started. "I just want to understand what happened. I saw the fight, and… maybe you're right, maybe he did fall. It was really hard to tell. But you can't tell me that you didn't want him to fall. What happened? What did he do?"
Jason was watching his lips. They weren't what he was used to, not fat and whiskered, too big and wet for his little ones. Tim's were small, cute and pink and babbling about things that didn't even matter anymore. They were probably soft too. Jason had always been the soft one, so he had to wonder. He struggled with his body, pulling it up slightly. Tim ignored it, and kept talking.
"Silent treatment? Real cool, Blue. You attacked me, just remember that. Like, we couldn't talk about this like two normal human beings, no, we have to fight about it. So can you fill me in now, like I'm seriously getting—" Jason leaned his head up, pressing his lips against Tim's. There was a sharp tingle as the muffled words vibrated against his mouth. He watched Tim's eyes go so wide, he thought they might pop out of his head, and he felt a deep, gutting disappointment as Tim immediately pulled back. "Um…"
"What?" Jason asked, his voice cold and dead.
"You…" Tim looked terrified, and that was confusing. "Uh… oh. W-what was…?" He couldn't seem to get the words out. That made Jason angry.
"What?" Jason repeated, easing his body upward so his chest was against Tim's. He seemed to be frozen in place, eyes wide and flashing in horror. "Isn't this what you wanted?"
"What I…?" Tim blinked rapidly, squeaking as Jason kissed him again, this time harder, more desperate as he let everything in him melt away. He felt his wrists being released, but before Tim could push him down, Jason had a finger pulling down the zipper at his throat. The sound was grossly familiar, and it sent a shiver down his spine. Tim tasted so sweet, like icing was caked on his lips, and sugar on his tongue. Jason couldn't understand why he wasn't responding to the kisses. I'm supposed to be good at this, he thought.
"Jay!" Tim grabbed his hands, forcing their lips apart. He was flushed, and Jason could feel him shaking. That was good. "Stop, okay? I-I don't… I mean, I…" He took a deep breath, and Jason felt a strange sinking inside him.
"I thought you wanted me," Jason said, his eyes falling to the exposed muscle of the boy's chest. Skinny and pale and heaving. He's just a boy, Jason reminded himself. But older than I was.
Tim seemed to pale, and he opened his mouth, but the only thing that came out was a choking noise. Jason exhaled sharply through his nose. "Get off me," he growled. He could feel his body trembling, feel tears of shame prickle his eyes. He felt sick, bile churning in his stomach as he realized how horrible he was. They were all right about me, he thought numbly, shoving Tim away. I've always been nothing. How could anyone want me? Especially him. He had to take deep breaths to keep himself from bursting into tears. The air tasted like smog and rain, acidic and prickly. He lurched to his feet.
"Jay…" Tim was still talking, and Jason just wanted him to shut up, because his skin was crawling, and his head was pounding, and he was disgusted and shuddering. He could feel phantom kisses, phantom fingers, phantom skin against skin. "I'm… not sure what's going on, I… What made you think that I…?"
"You were acting like they did," Jason snapped, clutching his head in his hands. He needed to get a hold of himself. He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to think about it, but it was all flooding back, and he could feel it. Jason bolted, running for the edge of the roof.
Tim caught his wrist. "They?" He pulled Jason back, reeling him in closer and closer, and Jason swayed, watching him with a dead gaze.
"Don't touch me," Jason whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.
"If I let go, do you promise not to run?" Jason shook his head mutely, and Tim's fingers tightened. "Who are they?" Tim was staring with wide, searching eyes. "It's okay to tell me."
"They," Jason choked, quaking as Tim's hand slid from his wrist into his hand. "The…" He swallowed, and he glanced away. "Oh, god…"
"Hey," Tim whispered, his eyes widening as Jason choked on a sob. "No, shh, it's okay."
Jason dropped to his knees, his head spinning, and Tim dropped too, clutching him tightly to his chest as he began to cry. He shuddered, burying his face into the boy's neck, and Tim hugged him tightly, letting him sob into his chest. He didn't want to be weak, but he was, in the end, and he struggled to recollect himself. He was choking on his tears, and Tim was patting his head awkwardly, confused and a child, not quite sure what to do.
When Jason pulled back, his tears drying on his cheeks, he hiccupped a little. Tim gave him a wane smile. "Y-you…" Jason shook his head furiously, trying helplessly to clear it. "You can't tell B-Batman, you can't."
"I won't," Tim said softly, his eyes glowing in sincerity.
And then, shakily, Jason told him everything.
A week later Jason went downstairs, and he saw Selina Kyle at the kitchen table. He was much better, and he'd already begun rebuilding his wall. It was easy to forget when he was happy, and there were no incidents involving scum like Felipe Garzonas.
"Um," Jason said, blinking at her for a moment. "Hi." She had been talking with Bruce, but they had both gotten very quiet. Either they were talking about him, or sex. Probably sex, he mused, wrinkling his nose. He turned toward the fridge to get himself some milk.
"Hello, Jason," Selina said, tilting her head.
"Selina came to tell me…" Jason watched Bruce's eyes flash to Selina's, and he took a sip of his milk. "She told that you and Tim had a… run in about a week ago."
Jason choked, dropping the glass and watching it shatter. He stared at the milk spilt across the floor, and he coughed, staring up at them with wide eyes. Selina had the same expression, her brow raised, and her green eyes wide in shock. Bruce's surprise was muted, but it was still there. Jason quickly ran to the sink to grab a towel, and Bruce stepped up beside him, but Jason shook his head furiously.
"No, I'm sorry," he breathed, bending down. "I'm really sorry, I… I can clean it up, just give me a minute—"
"Jason—"
"No!" Jason jerked away from Bruce's touch, and he fell backwards, his palm slamming against broken glass. He looked down, watching swirls of blood melt into the milky white puddle. He took a deep breath, and he bit his lip, springing to his feet and sprinting up the stairs.
He stood in the bathroom, feel numb and horrified as he stood over the sink of the bathroom, watching as his hand turned the porcelain crimson in fast flowing droplets. He looked up at himself in the mirror, skinny and disheveled, and he hated himself. He hated himself more than anyone could ever know. He bit his lip, tears only beginning to prickle his eyes when he dug his nails into the wound, gritting his teeth as he withdrew the bit of glass imbedded there. By the time he yanked it out, his hand was throbbing, and the blood was leaking from the wound in long, thick red streams.
Bruce knocked on the door, and Jason sighed. He stared at his bloody hand, and flicked on the faucet, using his uninjured one to unlock the door. Bruce entered without a word, closing the door behind him. He watched Jason run his hand beneath the water, and he frowned.
"I…" Jason took a deep, rasping breath. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Bruce said. He studied Jason's face for a moment, and he sighed. "I am curious, though. What triggered that reaction?"
Jason stared and his eyes flashed away. "What… what exactly did she tell you?"
Bruce blinked. He ran his fingers through his hair, and he frowned slightly. "Well," he said. And then he shuffled awkwardly. Jason almost laughed. "She… would like to make it clear that she doesn't believe Tim is… ready to date just yet." He frowned, his brow furrowing as he watched Jason face. "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
Jason flushed, and he looked down at his hand. "Uh…" He gave a weak laugh, and he shrugged. "I might be a little gay?"
"Eloquently put."
"Thanks."
They looked at each other, and Jason quickly glanced back to his hand. It was beginning to really fucking hurt. "So, uh," he said. "What else did she tell you?"
"Well, not much," Bruce said, tilting his head. He studied Jason intensely, and Jason wondered if he was lying. "You came downstairs. Is… there anything you want to tell me?"
Jason's eyes flashed away. And he shrugged. "Nope," he said. He glanced up at the man, pressing his lips together into a thin line. "So… you're cool with me kissing Tim?"
"I have no right to judge," Bruce said, giving Jason a small smile. "However, Selina is a little reluctant to let Tim kiss anyone." Bruce cocked his head, and then he shook it, smiling a bit. "She hasn't had him very long, so it's not strange that she doesn't want him to grow up."
"Oh." Jason found himself flushing again, and he turned off the faucet. "Well, she doesn't have to worry. That…" He felt really weird talking about it to Bruce. "That kiss didn't mean much. I… was just really um… upset. Tim was there."
"I see."
Jason sighed. "I really need to apologize to him."
"That might be best." Bruce reached for his hand, and Jason was surprised when he grasped it. "Let me patch this up for you."
Jason felt a warm feeling spread through his chest. And he smiled. "Okay," he said, nodding.
Things… were not normal per se. There was a subtle shift in Bruce's attitude toward Jason. And Jason noticed. He took great care whenever they dealt with abuse cases to keep Jason in sight, and make sure he was okay. That was confusing, and he tried not to over think it. He doesn't know, he told himself. He doesn't know, he can't know, if he would look at me different. But he still loves me.
He avoided Tim a lot. He didn't want to have to talk about it, or face the consequences of what he'd done. He tried to push it far away from him, and focus on what was happening in front of him. If he didn't, he knew he might go insane. The world kept spinning, but not for long. The pressure was still building, and he already felt like he was going to collapse.
Jason sat by Barbara's side for hours after she was shot, reading to her from his copy of The Man Who Laughs, which he'd picked up for shits and giggles. He sort of regretted it now, but a good book was a good book. By then she had put aside being Batgirl… or taken a break. She hadn't made it clear. She just had been in the wrong place, and it was awful. Jason felt helpless watching her sleep, knowing that she's never walk again, and he had no will left in him to be angry. He just wanted her to be okay.
She said she was. But he knew she was lying.
Fate brought him to a warehouse later that year. Fate, who had piled so much bullshit on top of him that he felt like he was gonna snap— Fate, who had screwed him over time and time again. And Jason felt himself tip precariously backwards as his bones snapped, and a crowbar came crashing down again and again, a distant rhythm in his head. He'd turned off his sense of feeling, and instead let himself be taken in by the thrill of the fall.
There was more. He knew there was more. But the things he remembered were all sweet, thrumming dreams. And they all ended the same. With a bang.
Note: This might be my favorite chapter of the entire story. Does that mean the rest of the story is shitty? Uh, yeah actually. Might as well just stop now. Anyways, this is directed at Maggie, but it deals with the story behind my choices for this chapter. Maggie, we've talked about Jason's back story with child prostitution. And I know it hurts you so good, it hits all your angst buttons. But I actually ended up reading an amazing, super long Jason meta while I was writing this chapter. I had the tab up for days after I finished, just because I couldn't stop going back to it. Oh, about the JayTim? As far as I know this is all the kissing there will be between them, but I'm not finished with the story, so who knows. Also, Jason is bi. Clearing that up right now. How about everyone in this story is bi, just assume that.
Cred to my bro Victor Hugo. He likes making his characters miserable just as much as I do.
