In Pursuit of Happiness
Constant numbsess. Toxic inebriation.
I honestly wonder when my life became so dead. Why I constantly ignore my own feelings. Why I don't allow myself to even consider giving a fuck about anything.
I don't care. It doesn't matter how I feel. I cant change anything.
Stotic indifference.
-xx-
I've done it as long as I can remeber. I shut down. I fake happiness so people dont worry about me slitting my wrists and ending this awful existence I call my life. I guess it just happened as a coping device. I hate being depressed. Its like being held just under the surface of a deep, terrible pit. Everyone just sits there while I'm drowning. Everyone else can breathe while I suffer. And it never ends. It wont end... its always, always fucking there.
I like it here, in this blank state i force myself to stay in, nothing can touch me. Im safe from the hurt.
I self medicate. Anything i can get my hands on to not feel... to not remember.
Self destruction.
I am so messed up. It's come to the point that I don't even try to feel, allowing the numbness to encase me in. I go through everyday in a trance. Doing what i have to do to get by. Using any means necessary to not feel any fucking thing. I smoke too much..and I drink to much, I starve and I bleed.
-xx-
Kisame came into my life at a vulnerable time. Shortly after my parents died. Right after I selfishly left Sasuke in that awful foster home. I was neglected, user up and broken. Kisame took the pain away for awhile I guess. I allowed him to console me, to let him have me and take care of me when I wasn't strong enough to take care of myself. He used to care about how I felt, but I'm probably just lying to myself about that too.
'Kisame is a sweetheart.'
Everyone has said this countlessly, time and time again. Their voices bouncing around in my self induced cloudy mind. If only they knew.
He's smart about how he treats me in public or amongst friends. Setting me on his lap as his prized possession. Pretending to want me while in the company of others. Sweet words and gestures... lies. But then we leave and come back to the house I desperately wish I could call mine, but cant. Its his, all of it. Everything in there belongs to him. Incliding me. I am his pet. His pretty little fucktoy that he abuses and neglects.
And I fucking let him.
...I remember clinging to him for the longest time.. years. Always terrified that he'd leave me, just like everyone else has.
Hes thrown me out like trash... more times then I can really remeber. Said horrendous things to me that I guess ive gradually accepted as the truth.
"Can't you do anything right?"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"You did it to yourself. You could have stopped it."
"You're pathetic."
"Whats his name Itachi? You'd open your legs for anyone, you stupid fucking whore!"
It used to hurt, I remeber it hurting so terribly. The one person who was supost to protect me, not giving a fuck about how horrible they made me feel. He has made me want to die.
I stopped leaning on him for support long ago. After I had been scolded and called stupid more times then I could take. I stopped crying infront of him. Stopped letting him see my weakness so he couldnt use it against me anymore.
I dont love him. I honesty dont think I ever did. Love... doesn't hurt like this.
-xx-
Thank god i have my solace to fall to. My life line that lets me break the surface to the awful nothingness that I let consume me. He holds my head above the icy water that is always threatening to devour and drown me.
Hida is my safe harbor. My sheltered place I run to when my fucked up life gets to be to much. My best friend. The only person that really knows me. He makes me feel not so broken. When im with him everything is so much better. I dont hurt. Im happy when he's near me. He makes me want to live.
He made me feel again. Not so much made if im being honest. I let him. I want everything he'll let me have, and so much more. Im so selfish. Always wanting what i cant fucking have...
I tried so hard, for so long, to push my feelings for him away. Tried to be quiet and sweep them uder the rug and ignore it. I pretened to be happy when he told me he was marrying that asshole. I stood in the court house and silently let a couple tears slip out while they said their vows to each other. Telling myself that i couldnt change it. That i just had to be happy if he was happy.
And for a while i think he was. At least he tried. Its hard when your trapped... I would know.
-xx-
I'm not sorry. I wasn't when it happened and im not now.
But, I do feel a lot of guilt. I just couldn't seem to fucking stop myself. I gave him the option. I asked him, not allowing myself to force it. How his gorgeous violet eyes flicked nervously away from mine, while we stood out in the pouring warm rain. I knew what i was asking of him. Asking him to betray kakuzus trust.
I am such an awful person.
But, finally, fucking finally having him kiss me, hold me. I remember how perfectly I fit against him. How i could feel my heartbeat in my ears. How I couldn't seem to pull in the oxygen my body desperately needed. I would rather have died then had to stop.
I dont need to beathe. I only need him.
Only Hidan.
Always Hidan.
I'd never felt so right in my whole life, so complete and perfect. I'd never been so intoxicated on someone. Never been kissed like that. We fit so perfectly together. Its not fair...
I am sorry I was as drunk as I was. How all I can remember is hazy bits and pieces. Fucking alcohol.
But, i do remember how wonderful, loved and wanted i felt. I've never felt such desire before. Such a bittersweet exchange of mutual sorrow. How his actions kept betraying his words. Pulling me closer, his perfect mouth on my neck, teeth on my skin. Sweet, twisted passion.
How I sat on the front porch after he drove off into the night, soaking wet and crying... crying for him, for me... for both of our stupid, fucked up lives.
-xx-
It had been six days since our little forbidden, beautiful disaster of a mess. It was the weekend again, and that old asshole Kakuzu dragged him off somewhere away from me.
I had refused to be at home with my 'boyfriend', so i had ran off to Gaaras little apartment across town.
I think Gaara is Sasori's second cousin or something like that. He gets misjudged a lot, everyone thinks he's weird. Hes one of kisames bandmates. And maybe, kind of has a drinking problem. Hn, join the crowd.
He'd just really recently became a good friend, someone who is kind enough to consider how I really feel. We were drinking and bitching about Kisame and his recent ex.
"What is Kakuzu up to tonight?", his gravely voice slurred out after we both took another shot of whiskey.
"They ran off somewhere for the weekend." I muttered back.
He smiled at me crookedly, "how has Hidan been? I see him every once in a while." The redhead said handing me one of his smokes. "He's a cool guy".
I couldn't help my answering smile ay the mention of Hida. "Yeah... he really is.." i answered lighting up the gifted cigarette.
"And he's hot, Kakuzu really lucked out, huh?", he drunkenly laughed.
My happy mood instantly left at the mention of the assholes name. "Hn. He treats hida like shit." My voice is flat and lifeless as i pull the nicotine into my body. Gaara silently changed the music when the song we were listening too ended. Damn him and his depressing music..
"Can I tell you something?" I wispered from across the table, not daring to tear my eyes away from its white, alcohol riddled surface. He nodded his head and leaned back in his chair.
"I..I really think" Dont say it Itachi, dont say it.. " That im in love.. with Hidan". It was scary. I'd never told anyone before, never had let the tragic words leave my mouth.
I dont even know how the words slipped out of mouth. I dont know why im over at Garras apartment at one in the morning getting so drunk that im barely able to stand. Im so stupid. So fucking stupid...
Im here because i cant fucking stand being on the same room with Kisame while being sober. Im so sick of feeling like a pet in my home. Sick of being tortured...
"Yeah, I can see that. The way you look at him." Gaaras voice didn't portray any kind of judgement at all. "Im sorry, that must be really hard for you.. not being able to have him because he belongs to someone else."
I laughed bitterly at the last part, scrubbing my hands over my eyes to wipe the moisture out of them. " yeah. I messed that up too."
Stop talking.
The way he looked at me when i finally met his gaze ripped my heart open. "You over stepped your boundries huh." He stated, not even asking to make sure it was true. My silence answered for me anyways.
He reached out and grabbed my hand then, staring down at it before meeting my gaze.
"You cant do this to yourself Itachi..you cant do this to him. Dont be a home wrecker... he's married.." Garra sounded as pitiful as i felt, his deep eyes reflecting sadness. I stared back at him across the table lined with beer and our many times emptied shot glasses. My trembling fingers clutching my burning cigarette.
"You have to just be there for him for now. Be his best friend. At least you guys have that..."
-xx-
Home wrecker.. again and again the words bounced around in my head, pulling me even farther into the dark pit of helplessness.
Im not even sure how I walked home that night... so broken and drunk.
It is what it is now, I guess. Stolen embraces, sweet words to each other behind our 'significant others' backs. Getting to see him, but not getting to have him.
Torment.
At least... at least we dont suffer alone. We do have each other even though it isn't how it should have been... just gotta hold on untill the pain ends... it's only a matter of time.. right?
-o-
A/N-
This has become a co-fic for both fluffy and I. She will be doing Itachi's POV. That being said, this is her work, I'm only posting it on my account because it is technically a part of this fic.
That being said... this is going to be more than a two-shot. I have no idea how long it will be, it's probably going to turn into one of those virtually unending stories that we just continously add to whenever we're having a particularly dark day.
So, reviews are loved. Forgive all the typos.. I just skimmed this so I probably missed quite a few. It makes me too depressed to actually read it more than once...
