Chapter Four
Was it really too much to ask for some peace and quiet?
Trying to ignore the knocking at the door to the crew's cabin, Emma rolled over and pressed her face hard into the pillow. They'd dropped anchor for the morning, needing to go ashore for a last supply run before they approached Tinkerbell for a portal home. Every other time she had looked forward to a chance to be able to walk more than a few metres without having to turn around, but today she'd begged a sore stomach and asked Mulan to go in her place. They never set foot on the island unless they were in pairs, and she couldn't really request a new partner without someone questioning her.
Time alone with Hook was probably not best for either of them right now.
The door opened with a creak and she heard quiet footsteps as someone edged into the room. 'Emma?' came Neal's voice. 'Are you awake?'
She considered ignoring him but felt guilty immediately and discarded the idea. Taking as deep a breath as she could through the pillow, Emma rolled onto her side to face the door, having to shift a little on the narrow bunk. 'I'm awake.'
Neal took a few hesitant steps into the room then strode over to her bunk. She sat up and brought her knees up to her chest so he'd have room to sit. As he sat down he smiled at her and put his hand on her knee. 'Feeling any better?'
She just shrugged, feeling uncomfortable. Her sore stomach was a ruse, but all the thoughts circling in her head were enough to make her feel truly queasy. He was still looking at her, concern in his eyes, so she smiled at him reassuringly. 'I'm getting there,' she told him. 'I thought you were spending time with Henry?'
Now he started looking as uncomfortable as she felt. 'Yeah, well. I let him go ashore.'
The panic that filled her was instant, chilling her to the core. 'You what? Are you insane?'
She moved to push him away and get up, but his grip on her knee tightened and his other hand grasped her arm, holding her still. 'Hey, take it easy. He's with Regina and Mary Margaret. I know that Regina doesn't have the greatest track record but you know she'd never let anything happen to Henry. And Mary Margaret's keeping an eye on her.'
Emma sat back against the wall and willed herself to relax. Neal released her arm but left his hand on her leg as before. As cautious as she felt about Regina, she knew that she could be trusted with Henry's safety, and Mary Margaret would stop her from trying to steal him away from her. The two of them had seemed to come to a bit of an understanding when it came to Henry over the last few weeks: they were both willing to compromise as long as he was safe.
'You're right, sorry,' she said, taking a deep breath to steady herself, but paused when something else struck her. 'Why are Regina and Mary Margaret on the island? I thought' - Killian - 'Hook and Mulan were going.'
'Yes, about that, too.' He looked down at his hand, which had started rubbing gently at her knee through her pants. 'I asked your mother to convince them that it was a good idea for them all to go since they'd collect more, and faster, so we could all get home quicker.'
'They're all on the island?' she asked slowly. Now that she thought about it, she hadn't heard anyone else in a while now, but that didn't mean they weren't just being quiet.
'Yeah.' He was looking at her with a strange expression, one which she couldn't quite place. 'I thought we could do with some time to, you know, talk.'
'Talk?' Oh, great. The whole point of her hiding away was to avoid this. She knew with all her heart that she wanted what was best for Henry, and having his parents together was surely the right thing. She knew he loved her, and she felt... something. She had no doubt that she'd loved him all those years ago, and she still cared about him. She must still love him if she'd told him so before he fell through the portal, right?
'Yeah, talk,' he said, but in the next moment he brought his hand up to the back her neck and pulled her forward, leaning in to press his lips against hers. Her first reaction was to pull away, but after a moment she let herself relax into it. This was what she wanted, wasn't it?
Neal's other arm came around her waist, shifting them so that their bodies were pressed together. He held her firmly, kissing her confidently. Wrapping her arms around him, she let him push her back onto her narrow cot so that he rested above her, deepening the kiss. He felt like a really bizarre combination of familiar and new. She hadn't let him kiss her properly since that day on the beach, having made excuses to be either alone or surrounded by others. At first she'd been too shocked to really comprehend what she was thinking - who was she kidding, she still had no clue what she was thinking. And then after that fight with Killian, or whatever that was...
Startled, Emma tightened her grip on Neal and kissed him back with the same fierceness with which she pushed away her thoughts of Hook. She could admit to herself that she didn't quite know what she was doing, but she couldn't let those thoughts invade her while she was being kissed so passionately.
She pulled away to catch her breath, but Neal had other ideas. His mouth went to her neck, groaning softly as he kissed her skin. Emma felt a moment of panic before she realised that the fading mark Killian had left on her skin during their... fight... was at the base of the other side of her neck and still hidden by her clothes. Get a grip, Emma!
If Neal noticed how she kept stiffening, he must have attributed it to his own efforts. Kissing his way back up her neck, he took her mouth again with his and ground his hips against hers so that she could feel him hard through their clothes. She gripped onto his arms tightly, not really knowing what to do with herself.
He moved lower again, this time shifting down the cot awkwardly in the confined space. Propping herself up onto her elbows to see what he was doing, she watched him pull the top of her pants down slightly and begin to fiddle with the buttons.
No.
This wasn't right. This was wrong.
'Wait,' she said lowly, unable to look at him as she pulled her legs out from underneath him and scooted back on the bed so that she was pressed into the corner, as far away from him as possible in her embarrassment.
Out of the corner of her eye, Emma saw Neal push himself back onto his knees, and she thought she caught a mixture of confusion and concern on his face. 'Emma, what -?'
'I just... I'm still not feeling well.' Raising a hand, she stared at it for a moment, surprised to find it shaking, before pressing it to her temple. 'My head is killing me.'
Neal moved closer to her on the bed, taking her other hand and wrapping it in both of his own. 'I thought it was your stomach?'
Finally looking up at him, she did her best to school her expression. She felt so flustered. 'It is. But now my heads pounding.' Grasping a hold of an idea desperately, she took her hand back and ran it through her hair. 'I think I just need some air.'
She pushed herself off of the bed but before she could get very far he was by her side, taking her elbow as if to help her. 'Ok, let's just -'
'No, it's fine,' she said, trying hard not to snap. She felt all of her confusion as a pressure on her chest, and knew it wouldn't be long before it spilled out. She couldn't let him see that, couldn't let him have any clue that there might be something going on in her head that meant she wasn't happy. Taking a deep breath, she turned to look up at him. She held his gaze for barely half a second before the sting that the tenderness in his eyes caused made her look away. 'You should get some sleep while you can if we're going to travel through the night again,' she said quietly.
He cupped her cheek in his hand before pressing his lips to her forehead. 'Okay, Ems. If you want to lie down again don't worry that you'll disturb me. And if you need anything just let me know.'
Nodding, she gave his arm a squeeze before leaving the crew's cabin, closing the door quietly behind her. Struggling to keep herself calm, she counted her steps as she made her way quickly above deck.
The fresh air felt like heaven to her lungs. She went to the edge of the ship and sat on the rail, twisting around and sitting so that her legs dangled over the side. Staring out at the horizon, she focused just on controlling her breathing.
She stayed like that for what must have been a good few hours. Once she felt in control of her body her mind went to work, going back to the crazy circle of confusion that had been plaguing her for days. Eventually, though, even that hazed out and she started feeling numb.
The sounds of people climbing over the opposite side of the ship brought her out of her reverie a little, but she kept her eyes looking out over the water. She heard Henry's voice and Regina's, and the sound of footsteps back and forth across the deck. A few minutes later there were two new sets of footsteps but neither of them spoke, and Emma tried to distract herself by trying to figure out who they belonged to without looking. Those light steps could only have belonged to either Mulan or Mary Margaret, and although she had learned recently just how light her mother could be on her feet, she would place her bet on Mulan. The other was obvious, the clunk of a cane coming after every other step.
She heard the last group climb over the side and heard whispers but no clear voices. After a few seconds she felt a soft hand gently grasp her upper arm. 'Emma?'
Emma turned her head and looked up at her mother. Mary Margaret smiled down at her, but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Emma had a feeling that her returned smile was much the same. 'Hi.'
Mary Margaret propped herself up on the ledge and spun her legs around so she sat beside Emma, their legs touching. 'So I gather Neal's plan backfired?'
For a moment Emma felt annoyed and was going to respond sharply, but she caught herself before she spoke. Her irritation came from elsewhere, and she shouldn't spread it. 'Pretty much. I can't imagine he would have felt comfortable asking you for help. Sorry that you got caught up in it.'
The other woman shook her head. 'Don't be silly. Although he's not the only person asking for my help,' she said lightly.
Emma frowned at her. She looked around quickly and saw that they were alone. 'What are you talking about?'
'Don't worry, everyone else is below deck,' Mary Margaret said, apparently reading her thoughts. 'I'm talking about the look on Hook's face when we came onto the deck and he saw you sitting here. He actually grabbed me,' she said, sounding surprised. 'He asked what the hell you were doing sitting precariously on the ledge here. So I told him that I couldn't possibly know that since I'd came aboard about ten seconds before he had, and that I was pretty sure that you could balance yourself well enough not to fall off,' she finished dryly.
There was that pang in her heart again. 'What did he say?' she asked quietly.
She was silent for a few seconds. 'He asked me whether I thought you were upset and if I would make sure you're okay.'
He was worried about her. Letting out the breath that she hadn't realised she'd been holding, Emma reluctantly met her mother's eyes. 'I'm fine.'
Mary Margaret raised her eyebrows at her knowingly. 'You don't have to hide behind that wall with me, Emma. I understand if you don't want to talk to me about it, but I'm not the only person who's noticed that something's... odd. Something makes me think that it's not a coincidence that Hook went from being cocky and, I don't know, cheerful, to being almost as dark and bitter as I've seen him since Neal and Mulan found us. And you haven't really seemed over the moon to have him around.'
'How could I not be happy that Henry's father's alive?' she asked automatically. Was it really that noticeable or was Mary Margaret just clued onto her since they'd lived together?
Mary Margaret shook her head. 'I know you're happy he's alive, Emma, for Henry and just in general. But there's no way that you're as eager as he is to be reunited, and I think it has something to do with Hook. Am I wrong?'
Did she bear her heart, or did she close it up? After the last few days, Emma was tired of hiding. 'Did you know before this?'
The smile on Mary Margaret's face was enough. 'I suspected. Before we found Henry I wouldn't have been able to tell from how you acted, you were so focused on finding him. But I saw the way Hook looked at you, and his flirting with you changed. Somehow more and less at the same time, like he wasn't trying so hard but felt more sure of himself. And after we had Henry back, it was like you let the rest of you catch up to your heart. The looks you gave him almost mirrored his own. I know you were happy to have Henry back, obviously, but you seemed happy when you looked at him, too.' Mary Margaret took her hand and threaded their fingers together. 'Until a few days ago.'
Taking a deep breath, Emma let it out slowly. Here goes nothing. 'I didn't want it to mean anything,' she said quietly. 'I felt so lost, so hopeless, and it was just for comfort. To forget. He was struggling as well, with having Gold on his ship and having to work with him. We both needed a distraction.'
'So you found comfort in each other,' Mary Margaret said, nodding thoughtfully. 'And what happened when you didn't need that comfort anymore?'
Biting her lip, Emma looked back out at the water. 'The last time, after I had Henry back, it wasn't about comfort. It was... just... about us,' she finished simply, not really sure how to say what she meant.
Mary Margaret seemed to understand. 'And then Neal turned up.'
'And then Neal turned up.'
Emma looked back at her to see her looking at her strangely. 'Before we left Storybrooke you were going to some pretty serious efforts to convince me that you didn't have any feelings for him,' Mary Margaret said.
That felt like a lifetime ago. 'To be honest, I didn't really have a clue what was going through my head. I really didn't like him with Tamara, but I was right not to trust her,' she pointed out. She grinned for a moment, but the grin quickly fell from her face. 'Before Neal fell through the portal, Neal and I told each other that we loved each other.'
Mary Margaret was silent for a moment. 'Well that would explain his reaction when he found us.' She cocked her head to the side. 'Tell me, was it a caring, intimate "I love you" before any of the drama happened? Or a hectic "I don't want you to die and I haven't figured out what I'm feeling so I'd better tell you that I love you so that you don't die thinking you're all alone since your fiancé just shot you" type of "I love you"?'
Emma narrowed her eyes at Mary Margaret, who looked like she was trying to keep a smile off her face. 'It wasn't a sappy intimate thing, with rainbows and unicorns,' she said dryly, 'but it wasn't a pity thing. I was holding onto him when he was being sucked through the portal.' Suddenly feeling very tired, she spun her legs back over the side and lowered herself to sit on the deck, bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. 'I thought I needed him,' she said quietly, remembering how she'd felt having Neal back in her life in Storybrooke. 'He broke my heart so terribly that I never really trusted anybody until I met Henry, and when Neal popped up I felt a bit like I had when I knew him. And that felt good for a while, because I was so much in love with him back then. But our lives weren't good. I don't want to be the person that I was when I was in love with him. And I don't think I was really in love with him when he fell through the portal,' she admitted reluctantly. 'I don't think I'm in love with him now.'
Mary Margaret joined her on the deck, running her fingers through her wind-swept hair to straighten it a little. 'It's okay to say something in the heat of the moment sometimes, Emma, and end up not meaning it as much as you thought you did. Whether you truly love him or not, he affected your life. He gave you a son.'
'And now it's Henry that I have to think of. I know he wants his parents to be together.'
Mary Margaret made an impatient noise that sounded odd coming from her. 'Come on, Emma! Just because Henry wants you to be with Neal doesn't mean that you have to be! He's just happy to finally have both of his parents in his life. You can't blame him for having a bit of a romanticised view of relationships after growing up around all of these fairy tales, but he's not going to be heartbroken if it doesn't end up that way. What about what's best for you?'
She almost sounded like Killian. Emma opened her mouth to speak but snapped it shut when she saw movement coming from the stairs that led below deck. A lump rose in the back of her throat as Killian came above deck, taking a few steps before turning his head slightly to look her way almost reluctantly. When their eyes met he stopped completely and... just looked at her.
'Oh, Emma,' she heard quietly from beside her.
She felt frozen, caught in his gaze. Her stomach felt tight all of a sudden, like she was as sick as she'd claimed to be earlier. He looked pretty much how she felt right now, trying to keep his face straight but a hint of desperation breaking through. She felt her skin pebble with goose bumps despite the warmness of the early afternoon.
David, who had been just behind Killian, stopped beside him and put his hand on Killian's back, leaning in so his head was right beside his. Killian didn't look away from her as David spoke to him quietly, words that Emma couldn't quite make out. After a few seconds he turned away and the two of them walked toward the other end of the ship, David casting a searching look over his shoulder.
The second that Killian looked away, Emma took a deep breath and let her head fall back against the side of the ship, not caring for the dull thump that sounded. That look on his face... it felt almost as destroying as how he'd looked the last time they'd spoken. 'I told him that I told Neal I loved him,' she admitted, speaking quietly so that her voice wouldn't carry to the men and closing her eyes like she could block out the world.
'Oh, Emma,' she heard Mary Margaret say again, just as softly. 'No wonder he's been so cold lately. Why did you tell him that if you don't feel it now?'
Opening her eyes, she tried to focus very firmly on the wood of the opposite side of the ship, trying to ignore the sounds of the two men moving about the ship, apparently getting it ready to sail. 'Because I have to give this thing with Neal a shot. Maybe he is what's best for me. Being with Neal is safe.' She thought back to when she'd said that to Killian, and how he'd thought that she meant physically safe. 'I know that he loves me, and I know he already loves Henry. Now that he's in his life he won't leave him. He won't leave us.'
Mary Margaret was looking at her doubtfully. 'How is Neal so safe when he abandoned you twelve years ago? He had you arrested, Emma! I know that everyone's changed and grown up since then but seriously, you can't base this decision on this with Neal's track record.'
'There is no decision,' she said firmly.
'And even if we ignore the past, I know that the whole reason Neal left you was so you could break the curse, and August told me that he contacted Neal when the curse was broken. He chose to stay with Tamara.'
'They were engaged,' Emma pointed out.
Mary Margaret just kept ignoring her. 'I understand that he's in love with you, but he's never fought for you. Hook, on the other hand...'
'What?'
'He came back to help us,' she said simply. 'To help you. When he turned his ship around, he thought that Storybrooke was in the process of being ripped to pieces. Even when he found out that he'd have to travel back to Neverland with the man he'd spent hundreds of years wanting to kill, he never hesitated to help you. We never could have done this without him.'
Emma let herself look up toward the back of the ship, where David was helping Killian unfurl the sails. She never thought she'd see the two of them working together so easily. 'Yeah right, cause Captain bloody Hook is so safe for us,' she grumbled.
Mary Margaret's light laughter surprised her and she turned back to the other woman, eyebrows raised. Her mother was also looking at the men, smiling fondly at her husband. 'Oh, honey,' she said warmly. 'I don't think there's anyone safer. The only thing that comes close to describing the way he looks at you,' she turned her head and looked earnestly at Emma, 'is the way Charming looks at me.'
Why was everything Mary Margaret was saying just making her feel worse? Wasn't talking to your mother about your feelings supposed to make you feel better? Maybe twenty eight years was too late. 'I thought you didn't even like him,' she complained gloomily. 'Why are you suddenly on his team?'
'Because he's not the man we first met in the Enchanted Forest, Emma.' Mary Margaret turned her head thoughtfully, eyeing the pirate. 'Well, perhaps he is, but he's more Killian Jones than Captain Hook, especially when he's around you. He's more than proved himself in my eyes since we've been here. Even David's warming to him,' she said, smiling. After a moment the smile faded. 'And besides all that... I don't think Neal can make you as happy as you deserve to be.'
That was why talking to your mother was supposed to help, Emma realised. It wasn't about making you feel better about your situation, it was about someone reminding you that you were worth something. Feeling heavy, she rested her head on Mary Margaret's shoulder and leaned into her as her mother's arm went around her shoulders. 'Can you really see Hook settling down in Storybrooke?' she asked, voicing yet another one of her reasons why Killian couldn't be a factor.
'Not really, but I think he'd do it if it meant being with you,' Mary Margaret offered slowly. 'But I could see him settling down in the Enchanted Forest. I know that we haven't really talked about it,' she said hurriedly when Emma went to interrupt her, 'but I don't know if David and I can leave our home the way it is. There's still people there, our people, who we have a duty to help, and I know that a lot of people in Storybrooke want to go home too. Plus you know how much Henry wants to grow up as a prince.'
They both smiled at that. Henry was truly in his element surrounded by all these fairy tale heroes, and if he didn't get to grow up to be one too he would be devastated. 'I don't know if I'm ready to give up the real world,' she said reluctantly.
'The Enchanted Forest is just as real as the world you grew up in,' Mary Margaret pointed out. 'And what do you really have to hold you to that one?'
They fell into silence for a while. Emma alternated between trying to keep her eyes on anything but the pirate, and trying to sneak glimpses of him out of the corner of her eye. Was he really as miserable as Mary Margaret had suggested? She tried to convince herself that it shouldn't matter, that it was no business of hers anymore by her own choosing. She appreciated Mary Margaret trying to help her, but she couldn't let her change her mind. She had to give herself a chance with Neal, to give herself and Henry a chance at a proper family.
'There's probably something else you should know,' Mary Margaret said, bringing Emma out of her thoughts. She straightened up and let her mother's arm fall away from her shoulders, stretching a little to ease the sore muscles caused by the hard deck. 'Mulan also came to me for some advice.'
Emma frowned at her. Was this a new topic? 'What for?'
Mary Margaret paused, seeming to choose her words carefully. 'I assume Neal's told you that it was Mulan, along with Aurora and Phillip, who found Neal after he came through the portal. He was injured and near death, unconscious, and the three of them nursed him back to health. It seems that our warrior friend has developed some feelings of her own for Neal in the process. She told me that she didn't know whether to confess her feelings to him or to you, or at all, especially since he's been reunited with you. She wasn't sure of the honourable path to take.'
Emma stared at her blankly. 'Mulan is in love with Neal?' She couldn't help it, she laughed aloud.
The sound of her laughter must have captured the men's attention, as they both paused in their actions and looked up at the same time. Emma quickly looked away, not wanting to catch Killian's gaze again, but she could feel his eyes on her. 'God, this fairytale life just keeps getting more and more far fetched.' If someone had told her a year ago that Disney princess Mulan would fall in love with her ex-boyfriend (who was the son of Rumpelstiltskin) she'd have directed them to the psych ward.
Mary Margaret was looking at her searchingly. 'Are you jealous?'
'No, why would I -' She stopped, narrowing her eyes. 'Wait a second. Are you testing me?'
She didn't even have the grace to look embarrassed. 'That's beside the point. If a friend was in love with David, I wouldn't be too happy about it. She did actually tell me that, though.' She grasped her hand again. 'I'll stop trying to convince you. Just know that as much as I'm your mother now, I'm still your friend. All I want is what's best for you. For you, and your heart.'
Emma squeezed her hand. 'Thank you,' she sighed. If nothing else, at least she had her parents, and Henry.
AN: I hope you liked this chapter! I had a lot of things that I wanted Emma to say (and hear) and I hope it worked well. This chapter ended up a bit longer than the others and originally was going to be very different, but I thought that talking to Mary Margaret was a good way to get Emma's feelings out in the open. (Plus who doesn't love Emma and Snow bonding?!)
I'm heading interstate next week for a course so I don't know whether I'll have more time to write or less. Hopefully the next chapter won't be too far away xxx
