AN: New chapter, yay!
Thanks again to everybody who's supported this. Your love gives me the warm and fuzzies!
Chapter Seven
The cold at her front and the warmth at her back were the first things that Emma became aware of as she woke slowly. Tugging lightly at the blanket - coat - she pulled it over so that it covered her a little better and leaned back into the warmth behind her. The band of warmth that wrapped around her waist tightened with her movement and she realized that it was an arm, the heat she was pressing into, a person.
Memory came next and Emma lay still as she tried to process what had happened the night before. Killian had pulled her from the snow and carried her to shelter, and she vaguely remembered him carrying her inside. The next thing she could recall was waking to find his naked body wrapped tightly around hers, their limbs entwined as his fingers traced torturous patterns across her skin. She understood what he'd been trying to do - she must have practically been an icicle for him to find it necessary to use his own body to warm her. The touches that had woken her had felt more sensual than sexual, but the feeling of his body on hers, the fire that his fingers ignited on her skin, and the knowledge that he'd done this to help her, despite the fact that he'd probably thought she'd hate him for it, that she'd think he'd taken advantage of her...
She hadn't been able to help herself. She'd denied herself what she'd really wanted for far too long, and she'd been too tired to fight it anymore.
He'd made her feel more alive than she'd felt... well, since they'd last been together. Since that moment on the beach, when she'd been seconds away from opening up to him, finally ready to offer him more than just her body.
It was almost funny how quickly things could be ripped away from you.
Before Neal had turned up she hadn't thought far enough ahead to worry about where they'd go or where they'd live. She was too distracted by her excitement over finding Henry, and hadn't given much thought to anything except for the fact that right then, she'd felt happy. She had her son back, she had her parents, and Killian had more than proved himself to be worthy of a chance at something more. If it hadn't been for him, they wouldn't have had a chance to get her son back, and he'd risked his life more than once for them.
She'd been happy last night.
Before she woke and the world was coming crashing back down around her.
Careful not to disturb him too much and wake him, Emma rolled over to face Killian. His arm flexed around her again but he didn't react more than that, and she settled her head down on his other arm, her face inches from his. For the first time that she could remember, he looked totally at peace, and she wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day just looking at him.
With Neal back in the picture, she'd been forced to think further into the future than her heart had allowed her to previously. She knew that Neal loved her, and even though his track record wasn't all that great, she knew without a doubt that he wouldn't leave Henry, and she was starting to feel pretty sure that he wouldn't leave her, either. He'd done everything he could since they'd been reunited to do his best by them, and she knew he already meant the world to Henry.
And sure, Henry liked Killian. She didn't know how he would have reacted if Neal wasn't around and she'd ended up with Killian instead, but she had a feeling that any eleven year old boy would be thrilled to have Captain Hook around.
But that was the problem, wasn't it? He might have been more Killian Jones than Captain Hook lately, especially around her and Henry, but both of his personas were pirate, through and through. And there was no way she could realistically picture a pirate captain settling down and playing happy-families in sleepy-old-Storybrooke, Maine.
Maybe if I had enough courage to give life in the Enchanted Forest a chance, then things could be different, she thought miserably, trying her hardest to commit his carefree face to memory. She didn't think she had it in her to say goodbye to the world that she'd grown up in, and she certainly wasn't the princess that she knew she'd have to be if she stayed here.
She could have a life with Neal in Storybrooke. And if things turned out differently down the track, she knew that he'd follow her to the Enchanted Forest.
Killian had followed her to Neverland, a place that he'd spent a ridiculous amount of years trying to leave.
Yeah, but a few weeks together didn't mean the rest of their lives, and she couldn't ask him to leave his way of life behind. Not when it was who he was.
And Emma didn't want to love him now if he'd just up and leave her later.
Closing her eyes in defeat, Emma cursed inwardly and let out her breath slowly. She hadn't let herself think that word before, love, and she wouldn't let herself now. This was too hard as it was.
Just one more moment, she told herself, opening her eyes and looking up at him from underneath her lashes. Just a few seconds, and then she'd get up and get dressed, and figure out what she was going to say to him.
Unable to help herself, she reached up and brushed her fingers across his face, cupping his cheek in her palm. His eyes flickered but stayed closed, his face turning slightly to press into her hand. 'Emma,' he breathed, a faint smile playing at his lips.
Fuck. She'd waited too long.
Emma tried to pull back but his arms tightened around her again and he rubbed his face against her hair. He was nuzzling her. Apparently still asleep, he sighed against her.
Feeling her chest tighten, she managed to pull back enough to see his face. 'Killian,' she said softly, putting her hand on his shoulder to shake him gently. 'Wake up.'
The peaceful look on his face had faded slightly into a frown, but his eyes were still closed. 'Not yet,' he murmured, trying to pull her closer again. His voice was still thick with sleep, but he seemed to be at least partially awake.
'We have to get back to the ship,' she tried.
'Not yet,' he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper.
Why did the way he held her have to feel so good? She'd never heard him sound so... well, innocent, although that was hardly the word she'd ever thought to use to describe him. He pressed his face against her neck and breathed in deeply, and she wondered whether he was anywhere near as intoxicated by her smell as she was by his.
She couldn't take this anymore. She couldn't take his gentleness, or his softness, or his affection. This was hard enough as it was. Trying to bury her heart as deeply as she could, she pushed him away carefully, putting enough space between them so that she could look him in the eyes - but she found that she couldn't.
'You have to let me go, Killian.'
She felt him breathe in slightly and his arms tensed slightly around her, but he didn't move more than that. From the way he was now holding his breath, she knew that he'd heard her, that he understood exactly what she'd meant. When he didn't move for a few seconds she lifted her head and looked up at him, and immediately wished she hadn't.
His eyes were open, starting down at her, and she felt like he could see straight through her. He'd always been able to read her well, and right then she'd have given anything to be able to interpret his expression. His face was blank, but the look in his eyes... the look in his eyes was haunted.
Slowly, his arms loosened around her and he pulled them back, leaning back and propping himself up on his elbow. The coat fell away from her as she shifted away from him, and she brought her forearm up to half-heartedly try and cover her breasts. Looking around to find her clothes, she was glad to have a reason to not look at him, but she could feel his eyes on her.
Her underwear was laid out next to the door, along with her boots, so she stood and walked quickly over to the wall, pulling them on hurriedly, ignoring the fact that they were still slightly damp. The cold night air had apparently not helped to the fabric dry out. The rest of her clothes lay in a pile not too far away from where they'd slept - she thought that they'd covered her as well when she first woke up last night, but the events that followed had forced them off, and they'd been warmed enough by each other's bodies in the night that the coat had made do. Determinedly not looking at Killian, she walked towards him and their clothes.
The rest of her clothes were just as damp as the others had been, and these had been lying in a heap all night. She struggled to get her wet jeans on, having to jump and squirm to get them over her hips, but eventually she was zipping up her boots and donning her coat. Not having anything else to do, she finally made herself look at Killian.
He was still watching her, still leaning back on his arms. His coat still mostly covered him, but had fallen down when he'd sat up and now settled halfway down his stomach. She could read his face no better now than a few minutes ago, the only difference was a defined set of his jaw that she had a feeling meant he was angry.
But his eyes didn't look angry.
Finally he moved, pushing his coat off of him and sitting up properly. She caught a quick glimpse of his naked body before she turned away quickly, going to inspect the door.
There was a large wooden chest sitting before it. Pulling open the lid, she wasn't too surprised to find it empty. Closing it again, she pushed it out of the way, having to put all of her weight into forcing it away from the door. By the time the door was clear Killian was dressed and she followed him out of the cabin.
The world was brighter than she could have imagined, the sun reflecting harshly on the snow that covered pretty much everything. The path was visible both to the right and the left, but she had absolutely no clue which way they'd come from. She hesitated but Killian didn't, turning to the right and adjusting the pack on his back before starting off toward what was apparently the coast.
He set a hard pace, and Emma had to really work to make sure not to fall behind. She wondered if he walked so fast so that he didn't have a chance to think, since she had to put all of her energy into keeping up with him. She didn't have it in herself to walk side by side like they used to, but she didn't let herself leave so much distance between them as she had yesterday.
It wasn't long before her sore muscles began to protest, aching after how much she'd overworked them the day before, but she pushed through it, determined not to slow them down.
The longer they walked, the heavier her chest started to feel. Why hadn't he said anything? She'd prepared herself for an argument, to feel embarrassed and horrible and to work through it. She'd expected him to be hurt, or angry, or bitter, but all she could see was a hardness in the set of his jaw. He hadn't said a thing to her since he'd woken properly, and it wasn't like him to let anything slide, especially when it came to her.
It took them what she guessed to be a little over two hours before she began to hear the sound of the waves at the coast, and she began to hope that they'd make it there without a problem. She could have asked him, since he had that stupid ability to tell pretty much the exact time from the sun, but she knew she wouldn't get an answer.
'No.'
Her breath caught in her throat at the coldness in his voice, and she realised that he wasn't walking beside her anymore. Turning, she saw that he'd come to a stop a few metres behind her, and cursed inwardly. They'd been so close to safety, so close to having other people to hide behind and a reason to avoid each other. She'd actually begun to believe that what had happened last night wouldn't have any repercussions.
Yeah, right.
He stalked up to her, and she could finally put a name to the expression on his face - fury. He kept coming until he stood two feet in front of her, his hand balled into a fist at his side. 'You don't get to do this. You don't get to... to use me like this and then just up and leave without a word!'
She stared back at him incredulously. 'That's what you think I'm doing? Using you?'
'No.' His eyes narrowed at her. 'No, I don't believe that of you. But I know that something's going on, Swan, and damn it, you're going to bloody well tell me what it is!'
She wanted to avert her gaze but her eyes were trapped in his. 'Just leave it be, Hook,' she warned, taking a step back to try and put some space between them.
He was having none of it, though, and quickly filled the space between them, coming closer to her than he was before. 'That's not my name,' he said, his voice sounding like a warning.
They stared at each other for far too long, as he dared her to reveal herself and she refused to be baited. Eventually the anger in his eyes softened slightly. 'Emma, please,' he said, reaching out to her.
She pulled back slightly just before he touched her, and he let his hand drop slowly. Wrapping her arm around her stomach, hoping that she could hold herself together, she took a deep breath to prepare herself. 'It was a mistake, Killian,' she said, dropping her eyes from his.
His silence hurt just as much as the look on his face would have. Closing her eyes, she willed them to stop welling, hoping that the tears wouldn't actually fall. She knew that she wouldn't be able to stop him if they did. She was about to open her eyes and walk away when he finally spoke.
'No.'
The determination in his voice made her heart break and she turned away, wiping at her cheeks furiously and hoping that he wouldn't notice.
'Do you think this is easy for me?' Somehow he was in front of her, grabbing her left wrist and pulling it away from her face with his hand, and catching her right with his hook. 'I know that you understand how hard it is for me to feel like this, to open myself up to someone, because I know you, and you cannot tell me that you don't see this sameness that we have. I have spent so long running - away from my past, and towards a darkness that I could never escape from. But I have stopped running now.' His fingers dug into her wrist painfully, but she felt frozen, and it had nothing to do with the snow that they stood in.
'I know you've been running, too,' he said, his voice quietening. 'We can stop running together. We are not a mistake, Emma.'
She'd thought that leaving his arms that morning had been the hardest thing she'd ever done, but that had nothing on how hard it was to move now. Twisting her right arm slowly away from his hook, she put her hand over his where it still gripped her arm and carefully pried his fingers off of her, not breaking his gaze. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered, her voice breaking.
Closing his eyes, he withdrew his arms and withdrew his heart. 'You're staying with Baelfire, aren't you.'
It wasn't a question, and she didn't answer. She opened her mouth to apologise again, but knew it wouldn't do any good.
Turning her back on him, she walked away.
As soon as she broke through the edge of the trees Emma saw the small fishing village on the shore and the Jolly Roger looking slightly ridiculous and oversized at the tiny dock. She didn't bother to question Killian's sense of direction, but made her way quickly along the beach, trying really hard to keep it together. She couldn't hear him following her but the noise his movements would have made could have been disguised by the sound of the waves. A part of her wanted him to catch up to her so she'd know that he wasn't going to take off, but the other part hoped that he was keeping enough distance between them so that he wouldn't try to talk to her again.
By the time her feet hit the dock she'd scrubbed her fingers hard against her face, trying to erase all evidence of tears, and hoping that if her face was red they'd put it down to the cold. The iciness of the wind didn't help the coldness that she felt inside, and she wrapped her arms around her stomach, trying to block everything out. When she was halfway to the ship she heard a second set of footsteps hit the dock. At least he hadn't run off, she thought blankly.
The way that everyone stopped what they were doing and rushed toward her when she climbed onto the deck should have warmed her. Not wanting to deal with anything, she knelt down and pulled Henry into her arms, trying to find what comfort she could in the way he cried out her name and clung to her tightly. Another set of arms wrapped around her from behind.
'We were so worried about you,' Mary Margaret said right beside her ear. 'David and Mulan have been out searching for you all morning. What happened?'
Emma looked up and realised that David wasn't there. Aside from her mother and Henry, Neal and Gold were the only people on deck. Neal met her eyes for a few seconds, then turned away as Killian appeared over the edge of the ship. Neal was glaring at him, she realised, and she quickly looked away, not wanting to think about either of them.
'I overworked myself and we had to stop overnight.' She gave Henry a quick squeeze before she leaned back and stood up, turning to face Mary Margaret. 'Did someone else get the crystal?'
Mary Margaret's sad smile said enough. 'No, honey. And we knew you wouldn't have it, either. Regina and Mulan found out exactly where the witch was going to be, so Mulan came back to the ship to tell us what they'd discovered, and Regina went after the witch. Mulan thinks that she might be a few days.' Her smile turned into a grin. 'But then we can go home!'
Home.
Without thinking, she looked around for Killian, and saw that he wasn't with them. She glanced up at the helm and, finding it empty, assumed that he must have gone to hide in his cabin. She knew how he felt; the last thing she wanted was to be surrounded by people who had no idea what was going on inside her mind.
The look on Mary Margaret's face said that she knew. And maybe that was worse.
She pulled away from her mother and her son and wrapped her arms around herself. 'I need to go and warm up. I might sleep for a while. Wake me if anything happens?' she asked Mary Margaret.
When Mary Margaret nodded she turned away, trying to give Henry a reassuring smile as she did so. It slipped the second she reached the stairs, and she made her way to the crew's quarters as quickly as she could. Closing the door behind her, she stripped off her boots and her damp clothes, donning the old-fashioned pirates garb that Killian had managed to dig out for them from the hold of the ship. They fit her surprisingly well, and didn't look half-bad on her, so of course she'd avoided wearing them as much as she could.
Finally dry, she slipped under the blanket on her cot, wishing that she had her thick quilt from back home. Curling up on her side and facing the wall, she tried to will herself to sleep.
Except she'd slept unexpectedly well last night, considering their conditions. Which she was certainly not going to think about.
She didn't have the chance to need to try and distract herself - before she could get too far in, the door opened behind her. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Neal walk slowly into the room and close the door. Without looking at her, he walked over and sat on the bunk opposite hers, running his fingers through his hair.
Her whole body was aching and twisting her neck to watch him over her shoulder wasn't helping, so Emma turned around so that she was facing him, but kept the blanket tucked up around her chin. She didn't think she'd ever get the cold out of her bones. At the moment, all she wanted to do was to sit and sulk - and maybe find something to drink.
'What happened last night?' he asked her quietly, surprising her a little when he actually spoke. He still wasn't looking at her.
Frowning, she felt her fists clench slightly underneath the blanket. Now was not the time to remember Killian's hand and lips and skin against her. 'I told you what happened.'
Neal looked up at her, a sarcastic smile that looked really out of place playing around his lips. 'You told me you had to stop somewhere overnight. I get why you're tired, I get why you're cold. I want to know why you look broken.'
Confusion filling her, Emma sat up carefully, keeping the blanket wrapped around her the best that she could. 'I don't -'
'Did he hurt you?'
Confusion left, to be replaced with dread. That's what he thought was going on? 'He hasn't hurt me, Neal,' she said slowly. 'Why would you think he'd hurt me?'
His laugh in response to her was bitter and startling. 'Then tell me what's going on between the two of you.'
Her heart began to pound. 'I don't -'
Standing up suddenly, Neal took a step towards her, then seemed to rethink and paced away. 'Don't tell me that you don't know what I'm talking about. Something has you upset - do you think I'm blind?'
'Just because I'm upset about something doesn't mean that anything's going on with me and Killian,' she said carefully, twisting the blanket between her fingers.
'You're not denying it,' he pointed out.
Anger flared within her and, although she knew that he had every right to be suspicious, even if he didn't know any better, she hated how he was talking to her right then. 'Are you more concerned about whether I'm okay, or whether something happened between me and Killian?' she asked hotly, standing up and crossing her arms.
'Stop calling him that!' Neal yelled, directly in front of her in an instant. She shied away from him unconsciously. 'He is Hook, Emma, can't you see that? He is not a good person! Everything that man does is just to further his own ends, and he doesn't care who he has to kill or betray to get there.' He stepped away from her, perhaps seeing her discomfort, but he didn't move far. 'He tore apart my family, Emma. Do you know how hard it is to be on this ship with him, with my father, when it was because of him that my mother's dead? If it hadn't been for him, my father wouldn't have become what he was and none of this would have happened.'
He was breathing heavily, and he finally turned away, walking over to the other side of the room and turning away from her. Emma had no idea whether he was angry and suspicious, or just angry about Killian in general, and she didn't want to say the wrong thing and make it worse.
After a minute or so he walked back over to her. 'Hook has done nothing but horrible things to my family, and I need you to stay away from him.'
If she'd been angry before, his words sounded enough like a warning to get her really pissed. 'He went to Neverland to save Henry because he's your son, Neal!' she said, her voice raising involuntarily. 'I was there for a few weeks but I can't imagine surviving there for hundreds of years, and then having to go back after you'd just escaped. When he found out that you were Henry's father was why he offered to help us.'
Neal laughed again, and it sounded as ugly as before. 'God, Emma, don't you get it? He went back to Neverland to save Henry for you.'
Rolling her eyes, she went back over to her bunk and began pulling her boots on. She'd had enough of this, and the cold outside was worth it to get away from this stupid argument. Nothing she said could change Neal's mind about Killian, and she didn't even know why she was trying. 'Why would Killian do that "for me"?' she asked, smothering the last two words heavily with sarcasm.
'Because he's in love with you!'
Snapping her eyes up to look at him across the room, Emma could tell from the look on his face that he regretted the words immediately. Slowly, she tightened the zip on her boot and let her leg fall to the floor. 'What the hell are you talking about?'
Shaking his head, he ran his hand through his hair again. 'Everybody knows it. Everyone can see it. And...' He hesitated, looking away for a moment before reluctantly turning back to her. 'And he told me. I saw the way he looked at you when he resuscitated you after you went overboard, I saw the way he wouldn't let you go until Mary Margaret pulled him away from you. So I confronted him about it, and he told me that he loves you.'
He told me that he loves you.
No. No, no, no.
No.
'No,' she whispered, feeling like her world was caving in. Neal stepped towards her, but she stood up and held her hands up to ward him off. 'You don't know what you're talking about,' she forced out. 'I won't talk about this anymore.' Grabbing her coat, she fumbled her arms through it as she fled the room.
Closing the door behind her and trying really hard not to slam it, Emma turned and almost walked straight into somebody. She was about to start yelling about male-induced stress until she realized that it was David and not Killian standing in front of her. Before she could consider why she thought Killian would be waiting outside the crew's quarters, David grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the storage hold.
Once inside, David locked the door and turned toward her, putting both of his hands on her upper arms and squeezing gently. 'Are you okay?' he asked, his expression torn between concern and anger.
Emma forced a laugh, trying to both lighten his mood and distract herself since her head was still spinning from what Neal had said only a few minutes ago. 'Do you realize how bizarre it is to be locked in an oversized cupboard with my father?' When her attempt at humour only tightened the set of his jaw she sighed, putting her own hands over his. 'I'm okay, David.'
'I just got back and found out that you were here,' he said, taking her hand with his and letting them fall between them. 'I was coming down to check on you and I overheard you arguing. I had to...' He trailed off, frowning at their joined hands.
Emma followed his gaze. Not at their hands... at her wrist. Finger-shaped bruises had formed on her arm. She tried to pull away but David's grip tightened, pulling her arm up to look at it. 'I'm going to kill him,' he said softly, menacingly. He started toward the door, and this time it was Emma trying to hold him still.
'David, come on. I can fight my own battles.' She could only imagine what would happen if David barged into Killian's quarters. He'd probably demand a duel for her honour or something equally stupid. Or just punch him in the face.
David let her stop him, but he looked restless and angry. 'I'm so sorry, Emma. If I'd known that he was hurting you I would never have waited outside.'
He pulled her roughly into his arms and she would have laughed at his awkward affection if she hadn't been so surprised. 'Wait,' she said, pushing him away so she could look at him. 'You think Neal did this?'
He frowned at her. 'Who else would it have been?' His eyes widened slightly, then he frowned again, staring at her wrists. 'Hook?'
Why did he sound so surprised?
And why did she feel such a strong need to defend him? 'He didn't mean it,' she said quietly, pulling away from him fully and looking away. She knew that she probably sounded like someone in denial, but she honestly believed it to be the truth. 'Why are you so surprised?' she asked, not wanting to go into what had happened between her and Killian before they'd reached the ship. 'I thought you hated Killian?'
She looked up to see him looking at her with a very odd expression on his face. 'I hate the way he talks to you sometimes, and how he talks to Mary Margaret. But I guess he hasn't really been like that in a while. He's not the same man we'd heard rumours of, and he's not even the same man he was before we went to Neverland.'
He sat down on a crate and Emma joined him, quietly liking his protectiveness of her. She didn't think she'd ever get sick of it, no matter how much she complained about it. 'When I came down to see you, Hook was walking toward our cabin, fury on his face,' he told her. 'He said that he didn't care what you said, he wasn't going to let anyone hurt you, especially not Baelfire. Well, Neal. It took quite a bit to convince him to give the two of you some space, and to let you fight your own battles.' He smiled at her faintly, echoing her words from earlier. 'I can't hate anybody who cares about you like that.' His smile faded slightly. 'Do you know what you're doing, Emma?'
He wasn't trying to push his advice on her, or convince her of either path. She guessed that Mary Margaret had probably brought him up to speed. She didn't know what she'd do without him and Mary Margaret anymore. Sighing, she rested her head on his shoulder, glad that she had support from somewhere.
'I don't have any bloody idea, anymore.'
AN: So I'm used to the internet trying to spell check some of my correctly-spelt words because Australian English is different from American English, but does anybody else get annoyed that it doesn't like Killian? I get annoyed at seeing red squiggles under my baby's name.
To the people who asked me to just let the idiots be together... sorry? :D But being worse before it gets better makes the better parts better!
That last scene wasn't planned, but I thought I'd throw some Daddy!Charming feels in there. Captain Charming is my current favourite brotp, and I can really see David starting to bond with Killian when he sees how much he cares for Emma...
Just think, guys... by the time I update again, we'd have seen the Season 3 premiere! God, I don't think I can even...
