Chapter 9: Emotional Confusion

Cephera retreated to the beach to think. She stood by what she said but at the same time she wanted to crack her head on a rock. She could imagine her sisters voice in her mind yelling at her and asking her if she had gone insane. To offer to take in the child of a man who had shown her no appreciation or even a hint of kindness and a woman who took no consideration about how her presence affected the marriage and raise that child as her own. Yes Cephera was insane. The more she thought of it the more she began to realize she really needed to think before speaking.

"Here Shay, here is my husband. May he find happiness with you and your new family because I'm to much of a coward to fight for him properly." Cephera said out loud to nothing as she stood in the soft waves. If Shay was actually pregnant Cephera didn't see a point in trying to be with Loki anymore. She wouldn't take back her offer. The thought of a child being without his or hers parents outweighed her quick decision. However that decision also made her wonder if she had made it impossible to ever have Loki's interest. She might as well just escort him to Shay's bedroom and help Shay bathe in rose scented water to receive him with the way she was acting. Seraphina would be appalled.

Cephera was completely out of her league. She was used to simple things. Singing, dancing, reading. She wasn't used to all this drama. She could blame her sister. Her sister was always protecting Cephera and making the hard decision and doing all the fighting. Cephera was used to letting people walk over her and let mean words wash over her because in the end she had her sister and her sister was the one person she always knew she could count on. But her father had once told her that Serpahina might not always be there and Cephera needed to learn to protect and live her own life. At this rate she'd be living a life of a devote priestess.

Cephera fell to her knees her dress becoming soaked quickly. She needed a new game plan, or rather she needed a game plan in general. She had just thought that after all this time he'd have at least gotten to know her a little but clearly something else was needed. Cephera wasn't sure what else to do. Selling herself out with her body by seducing him as he slept just seemed sleazy even if he was her husband. Giving up her usual meek self and demanding Shay to be removed wouldn't work as Loki would defiantly not like that and just find another. Accepting Shay seemed like her only choice in all of this. Cephera had nothing against the woman but sometimes she felt that if Shay wasn't around Loki just might turn her way but it felt selfish to chase off his childhood friend.

Cephera stared down at the water. She could always run away. After a few years she could contact her sister who would keep her location secret. Just the thought stabbed Cephera with guilt. King Yorin had been kind enough to adopt her and even came to see her as his real daughter. He gave her this marriage because he thought it was the right thing to do and if she ran she would be turning her back on his generosity and possibly insult him. Running was not an option. Cephera slapped the waters surface spraying water over herself and the small waves. She felt frustrated and confused. She was not good with this sort of stuff. Fending for herself was hard.

(Two weeks later)

(Loki)

Being separated from Shay wouldn't have been so hard if Loki wasn't having so many emotional struggles. He hated his wife but not for any reasons that were valid. He hated her for being the kind of woman she was. Kind, caring, considerate. All those attributes only served to make him feel bad and Loki hated that. Had she been a bitchy old hag he could have had a much easier time continuing to ignore her and cast her aside but as time went on she just made it that much more difficult to see her in a negative way. He hated her for being so...good.

Loki didn't like when his emotions conflicted with himself. He hated having that war inside himself. On one hand he was determined to stay vigilant toward his view of this marriage. It was a punishment passed down by Odin against him and nothing more. This was not meant to make his life better. He would not give into anything Odin wanted of him but then on the other hand that stupid woman he called wife had to go and give him reasons to liked her which made him hate her.

Loki had been avoiding her like the plague and since that day in the throne room she hadn't spoken to him either. He just didn't understand her. Any other woman would have seen the marriage as a reason to take a stand and put her foot down toward him and perhaps even fight for him. Instead his wife was a complete push over with sparks of toughness such as the time she'd called him out.

He found himself wondering what she was thinking and then he would push it aside telling himself it didn't matter and he didn't care. This was why he disliked humans. They were simple minded and dull.

There was another reason he disliked his wife and that was her stupid offer. Loki had no want for any bastard child running around. She might have thought she was doing him a favour but she really wasn't. Loki was hoping with everything he had that Shay was not pregnant. He would make sure to intervene where the potion was concerned to make sure such accidents would not happen again but first he had to wait until the end of the month to see the final results regarding Shay's condition.

Loki had been debating all day whether or not he should see his mother. It wasn't until night fell that he finally decided to do so. This was the first time he would speak with her about everything since his marriage. He knocked softly on her door until a servant answered. She allowed Loki to pass by her and his mother stood, abandoning her newest tapestry, to embrace him.

"I knew you would come eventually." She said. "Sit with me." She said smiling her usual soft smile.

"I am sorry I have not been to visit you." Loki said first and foremost.

"I understand your reservation but that's not why you came here today." She said knowingly. She didn't look hurt by this truth.

"I find myself conflicted." Loki said finding is odd to open up but also it felt comfortable like it once did. "Cephera is confusing. I have told her time and time again that I don't want to be married to her and to find her happiness elsewhere and yet she continues to try and catch my attentions and now with her latest idiocy..." Loki ran a hand over his face.

"She doesn't believe there is happiness for her. I've been watching her. She's timid and insecure but she's strong too. She holds determination toward you and she makes do with what she'd been left with in this new life you've both been thrown into. To her making you happy is better than both of you being miserable." Frigga explained and it really didn't help. He had a silly, sentimental, insecure girl for a wife. "You see her decisions and her actions as stupid and futile but she's just as lost with how to live. She has been taken from her home and put in another. She has no friends and a husband who wants nothing to do with her. She can either allow herself to become cold and bitter or to find a semi content life within the one she has."

"She could always go home to her family." Loki replied looking away and instead staring at the tapestry. He was unsure what it was going to be of as it was only a third done.

"She could but what good would that do either of you. You'd still be married and eventually your father would make her return. At least with her here she has a chance to grow. Ignoring the situation at hand will help neither of you in the long run." Frigga paused. "Loki, I understand why you are acting as you are but I don't condone it. That girl has done nothing to deserve your hate. She as lost and alone as you are. Also what about Shay?" She asked tilting her head at him.

"What about her? Until the end of the month we will not know for sure if she is indeed pregnant." Loki shrugged.

"That's not what I mean. Have you even thought that maybe she would like a life. A husband of her own. As long as she remains your mistress she's creating a name for herself where someday it may affect her future and not only that she's missing out on opportunities to meet others. You're holding her back." Loki didn't like this new way of thinking. He hadn't thought of that. Before Loki got married Shay would enjoy parties and Loki hadn't always been her only sexual partner but now as his mistress she didn't take others to her bed or go to parties. Loki was aware that she was spoken of as whore to those who didn't know her and it angered him as she was not such a thing.

"I don't force Shay to be with me." Loki finally replied.

"She's your friend. Like Cephera she's trying to make those around her happy. To her you're the only one that matters and right now you have no others to turn to for comfort." Loki looked at his mother and frowned.

"I have you." He said.

"You do but I meant people outside of me. You have no other friends. If Shay left you now for another man she couldn't guarantee you her time as freely as she does now and she certainly wouldn't share her bed. So even though you don't force her she feels it's her duty to stay at your side." Loki stood. The thought of having no one at all made him feel as though he'd fallen into the void once more.

"I've taken up enough of your time and I'm getting tired." Loki said as politely as he could.

"You could never take up too much of my time. Visit more often." She said to him. Loki only nodded as she hugged him again. "Please try to remember that even though you may not want her, Cephera is willing to open up and understand you if you ever decide to give her that chance." Frigga said to him just as he began to leave.

"I will remember." He replied and finally left.

XxX

When Loki climbed into bed Cephera was already there facing her back to him. He lay on his own side facing her looking at the back of her head. "Why do you care what happens to that child if Shay should turn out to be pregnant?" Loki asked her. He knew she wasn't sleeping. She was trying to pretend as if she was but he knew she wasn't by her breathing.

"No child should be without their parents." She said.

"A fine life that child will have as a bastard." Loki scowled. The woman lying beside him was nothing more then a sentimental fool just as he always thought.

"It's just...if I can't make you happy then perhaps having a family would." Her voice was soft in the dark and almost sad.

"You would not prefer to be the one to provide me with that?" He asked confused.

"Of course I would but you've made it clear that I won't have such an opportunity and so I wanted to help you however I could with the situation handed to me." Loki felt a stab of guilt that he willed to go away. How could she keep doing that? To make him feel bad by simply stating the truth. Had it been another woman saying it he might have thought she was trying to guilt him out purposely but not this one. Cephera was too good to meaningfully make him feel bad about anything. "Wouldn't you like to have children someday?" She asked him after a long pause.

"I once dreamt of such things but now I see no reason to have such silly hopes." Loki glared into the dark. He would not have children with anyone outside the marriage as they would be downgraded to bastards and he would never have children with Cephera for they would be half breeds and he still held onto his intentions of never bedding her to begin with.

"I was thinking that night after the throne room about my offer. I felt I had perhaps put myself in over my head but I can't help but think that choosing to adopt the child so that they could live a normal life and still know both their parents is still the better option then the child being sent away for a mistake their parents made." She said and Loki felt that guilt ride him again.

"Don't talk of such foolish nonsense." He said harshly and turned hard to face the wall. "I will be happy if Shay turns out to not be pregnant. There will be no children in my future." He growled a warning for her to cease talking and to his relief she didn't reply. Even as she finally feel asleep he lay there in the dark unable to find his sleep. Her words eating at him.

Thanks so much for the reviews! Keep 'em coming... Please. :)

- Doctor Loki Love: Frigga love in this one. :p

- Twifan 1987: I love it when I surprise people.

- 88 Dragon 06: green eggs and Ham. Lol. I love making plot people don't see coming.

- Loki's Dreamer: Cephera will do what she can to help.

- Random Guest: lol I'll think about it. ;P

- Nightmare of Cat: yay for crazy feels! I'm sorry I'm pissing you off in an odd kind of good way...maybe lol

- Akera Writer of the Night: get back on your chair there is more to come. Lol

- Poodle Warriors: Messes could be fun!

- Kateskates 24: Now you know. Lol

- Reneemm: currently Shay's condition is a private matter as they are not sure if it's true or not. As for gossip I don't think Loki will care how people see him but he would care how they saw Shay.

- Miss Padawan: thanks for the bday wishes. :) glad you caught up! And OMG caps and all those words are awesome and made me smile so wide. Thanks for the praise.

- Lightning and Ice: I had to look up what Mary Sue was. It's a term I've heard but never knew what it was but I do now and I can see what you mean but currently Cephera is acting on what she feels will work for her. She still has no real emotional attachment to Loki and has realized that this life chosen for him is hard on him as well. Her character has always hated to hurt others and is always looking for a more peaceful way out. She doesn't do confrontation well. Her seemingly perfect demeanour right now is just her trying to do what she thinks will keep the peace and maybe even gain Loki's friendship or attention in some way. I hope that as time goes on these Mary Sueish feels will be gone as emotions being to get mixed in with everything else. Not going to lie...freaking out a little over this as I totally didn't mean for that to happen at all. Cephera is by no means perfect. She good at a set of things like most people but there are things she's not good at.

- Hello (guest): yes he is very sexy. And you're very welcome for the updates and for all those to come in the upcoming days.