Trans Pacifica

Chapter 5

"I am so freakin' mad right now," (Wendy) said as they got back to the Shack. She was walking with crossed arms and hunched shoulders, but the pose looked really odd, given that she was occupying Mabel's body. "I mean, what is up with Pacifica? She like stole my identity! And my body!"

"I think I know," (Mabel) told her. "Hey, don't glare at me, Wendy! I'm not Pacifica, I just look exactly like her right now."

(Wendy) rubbed her eyes and sighed. "Okay, okay. Mabel, no offense, but I can't get used to your body! It's like only two-thirds the size I'm s'posed to be! And I already had braces once. It's not fair that I have them all over again!"

"Yeah, mine sometimes whistle when I talk," Mabel agreed. "But I get 'em off in December!"

"Lot of good that does me right now!"

Dipper said, "Please, ladies. Come on, let's go talk this out."

(Wendy) muttered an apology. They went in the side entrance. Abuelita was probably having her pre-lunch nap, and Soos and Melody were puttering around the museum, tidying and sprucing up, chatting happily as they did, and they barely noticed the three as they headed upstairs. They gathered in the attic bedroom, all of them sitting on the floor. "Okay," Dipper said, "First, Mabel was going to explain what she thinks is going on."

"Well, it sounds kinda mean," (Mabel) said, "but I think Pacifica is jealous of Wendy 'cause you like her so much. And maybe Pacifica is trying to break you guys up."

"Oh, great," Dipper moaned.

(Wendy) said, "Oh, come on! There's nothing to break up! I mean, Dipper and I like each other, an' we've agreed to keep our options open and all, but we're not like dating or anything!"

"We are hanging out together, though," Dipper added.

He sounded so hurt and hopeful that (Wendy) leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Yeah, dude, that's exactly right. We're hangin' out."

Dipper had turned a vivid shade of red. "Uh—Wendy, as long as you're in Mabel's body, don't do that, OK?"

"Yeah," (Mabel) said, shivering. "It kinda creeps me out, too."

"Sorry, guys," (Wendy) said. "Ya know, last year I was wishin' I could somehow go back and be like twelve again, but to tell you the truth, it kinda sucks when you're sixteen and you get zapped back to thirteen again. It's not you, Mabel, it's me."

"I know," (Mabel) said. "If I got put back into a ten-year-old's body, I can imagine how strange that would feel."

"Gideon's, what, eleven?" Dipper asked with a grin. "Why don't we invite him over and—"

"Evil!" (Mabel) bopped him hard with a pillow.

He swatted it aside and said, "So the first thing we have to do is find Pacifica. I mean find Wendy. Find Pacifica in Wendy's body. You know what I mean. And then—what?"

"Well," (Mabel) said, "I think part of her problem is that she's not very happy at home, and that's 'cause her family, mainly her dad, isn't happy, either. But I've tried to fix things up a little." She explained her ideas for transforming Northwest Mud Flaps into something more earth-friendly and exciting.

"Huh," (Wendy) said. "Y'know, if that works, you might suggest that Mr. Northwest makes, like, car mats the same way. Be neat to have a car mat that could give you wi-fi access."

"Good idea!" (Mabel) told her.

"What were you getting at?" an exasperated Dipper asked Mabel.

"Oh, right. Well, see, I think if Pacifica is happier at home, she'll be a lot easier to get along with. Right now her mom's kinda on her side, but both of them get intimidated by her dad. Her dad's real stressed 'cause he lost so much money— "

"Yeah, by investin' in evil bonds!" (Wendy) objected.

"But," (Mabel) said, "If he feels like he's getting his money back because Pacifica advised him, he's bound to feel better about her, right? And then he'll maybe treat her better?"

"Maybe," (Wendy) agreed. "Providin' I don't break both her legs when I get the chance. Nobody does this to a Corduroy!"

Mabel squirmed a little. "Uh, before we start planning strategy and all, could I please have my body back?"

"That'd make me Pacifica!" (Wendy) said. "I'm sorry, but no way! I mean, right now I am so pissed at her—'scuse the language, Dipper."

"It's OK," he said. "She kinda has a history of getting people that way."

"Well, I'm tired of being Pacifica too. How about this?" (Mabel) asked. "We all get on the carpet. I get my body back, and Wendy gets Pacifica's, but she doesn't have to keep it. Wendy, you and Dipper can trade."

"Hey, then I'd be Dipper!" (Wendy) said. It was hard to judge whether she sounded offended or amused.

"Yeah, and I'd be Pacifica!" Dipper groaned. "I'd get the worst of it! Uh . . . wouldn't I?"

"Hey, come on, it's not really that big of a deal. Last year I was Dipper for hours," (Mabel) told Wendy. "It's not so bad. A little awkward and sweaty, maybe."

"Yeah, and I was Mabel," Dipper said. "That wasn't exactly a picnic, either. You remember that time in the weirdness bubble when you and I had birds' heads, Wendy?"

"Kinda," she said. "That was right before I got hurt, and it's sort of blurry. I sorta remember wantin' to build a nest and eat worms."

"Yes! It was horrible! Well, being Mabel was worse."

"Hey!" (Mabel) objected. "You take that back, or I'll tickle you!"

"NO!" he yelled. "No tickling. Not when you're in Pacifica's body! I couldn't take that. Mabel, seriously, you keep your hands off me!"

"C'mon," (Wendy) told him. "If you've already been Mabel for a while, you can get used to Pacifica. And, dude, just think: If I walk around in your body for a while, I'll understand you better an' all."

"That's what he's afraid of," (Mabel) said with a wicked chuckle. "Hi-yo!"

"I am not!" Dipper objected hotly. "It's just—well, it's so personal, you know?"

"C'mon, Dip," (Wendy) said. "It'd be a solid, dude. I'd owe you big."

Dipper sighed. "Oh, OK. See, I knew you two would gang up on me, I just didn't know how. Well, I'm not crazy about the idea. Let's do it quick, before I change my mind."

They hauled the carpet from the closet into the attic room and unrolled it. (Wendy) asked, "Now I'm not sure of what happened to begin with, so how do we do this?"

"OK," Dipper said. "This is an electron carpet. It builds up a powerful static charge that somehow forces the mind switch. We walk in a circle, counterclockwise, shuffling our feet. Let's see—first Mabel and I will touch, and she'll be Dipper and I'll be Pacifica. Then another time around the circle and the two of you touch. Then she'll be herself again, but you'll be me."

"It's probably a little better than being Waddles," (Mabel) assured Wendy.

"It's a lot better," Dipper told her. "Remember, I was Waddles for a few minutes. Ever since then I've had the habit of eating the core when I have an apple."

"Well, Soos still—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Dipper told her. "Look, if it's clear to everybody, let's just go ahead and make the exchange. The longer we wait, the more I'm dreading it."

"I think I got this," (Wendy) said, standing up. "Let's do it."

They shuffled around in a circle and made the exchanges. Mabel patted herself and said, "Hooray! Mabel is in the body, folks!" She kissed her hands and arms. "It's so good to have you guys back again!"

"Huh," (Wendy) said, flexing Dipper's arms and legs and looking down at everything. "So this is what bein' a boy feels like."

"Oh, man," (Dipper) said, "is that what my voice always sounds like?"

"Yup, bro-bro!" Mabel told him. "But hey, you've got Pacifica's voice now. You can hit E above high C!"

"No, thank you. That's not what I feel like hitting right now!"

Mabel almost collapsed laughing. "You even talk like Pacifica!"

(Wendy) sniffed. "Hey, Dip, got a change of clothes? These are a little bit ripe, dude."

Pacifica's face suddenly turned pink with embarrassment. "Hey, give me a break! I was hiking in the woods all morning," (Dipper) objected. "But, yeah, clean underwear's in the top bureau drawer, shirt and shorts in the second drawer, socks in the bottom. I think the vest hanging in the closet's fairly clean, too."

"That's 'cause Soos's Abuelita does the laundry now," Mabel confided. "If it was up to Dipper—"

"Zip it, Sis!" (Dipper) warned.

(Wendy) got the clothes out. "Man, this is insane. Dipper, are all your outfits identical to each other?"

"I'm a busy guy, and that saves time when I pick out my clothes," (Dipper) said. "Hey, hey, wait, stop, leave your shorts on for a minute! Wendy, please don't change in front of me! That's just too weird."

"So go out in the hall," Mabel said. "Or go to the bathroom."

"I'm in Pacifica's body! I'm not sure I even know how to go to the bathroom!"

(Wendy) chuckled. "Just do what comes naturally, man. Hey, if you want to tick Pacifica off big time, you could start by havin' a bubble bath, dude."

"Ohhhhh." Mabel shuddered, then looked suspiciously at her twin. "Dipper, did you do anything weird or pervy when you were in my body?"

"No!" (Dipper) shouted. "I was too freaked out by being my own twin to think of anything gross or—or you know. Look, I'll go wait on the landing while you change clothes, Wendy. Come with me, Mabel."

"What for?"

"Because I would appreciate a little privacy for my body," (Dipper) insisted. "Come on!"

Mabel giggled. "Ga-doy, you big silly! We used to take baths together!"

"But not since we were three years old!"

"Go on, Mabel," (Wendy) said in a kind voice. "I can understand where he's comin' from."

So Mabel and (Dipper) went outside, pointedly not speaking to each other, and it took (Wendy) only a couple of minutes to change. Then the three conferred again. "All right," (Dipper) said. "Now, Pacifica doesn't have Wendy's phone, 'cause she had it."

"Picked it up from the shelf under the register, where I always park it," (Wendy) said. "Got it in my—your pocket now."

(Dipper) nodded. "And Mabel, you have Pacifica's phone, right?"

"Yup. Well, I mean you have it now. It's in the pocket of her jeans. Be careful of those, by the way—they're a designer number, like five hundred dollars a pair. Oh—don't know if you realized it, but Pacifica has you on speed-dial, Dip."

"Aggh! OK, OK. So I'm guessing Pacifica has your phone, Mabel?"

Mabel frowned. "Well, we swapped phones, but I don't know if she picked up mine again after she traded bodies with Wendy."

"I don't know, either," (Wendy) said. "I didn't see anything she did. She left me handcuffed in the flippin' closet!"

(Dipper) said, "Let's think it out. Wendy, you found your phone, so she didn't take that one. Let's assume that she's got Mabel's. OK, here's what we do: Wendy, you call the number. If Pacifica answers, remember you're me. She wants to see me, so you tell her to come back here to the Shack. When we get her here, we should be able to hold her down and change everybody back."

"I don't know," Mabel said. "Wendy's pretty strong."

"Yeah, there is that," (Wendy) agreed. "No offense, Dipper, but you have these little noodly arms."

"I know," (Dipper) said miserably. He flexed Pacifica's arm and said, "Heck, even Pacifica has more muscle than I do."

"Tennis and horseback riding," Mabel explained.

"Cheer up, dude," (Wendy) told him. "That's somethin' you can fix with a little exercise."

"And diet," Mabel said. "Remember, diet is important, too."

"Don't tell me that! You once ate the wallpaper off one whole wall of our room!" (Dipper) said.

"I was four, and it had strawberries printed on it!"

"Chill, dudes," (Wendy) said. "We got this, OK?"

"Wendy makes a cooler you than you do, bro," Mabel confided.

"Wendy's always cool," (Dipper) said. "Okay, Wendy, use my phone to call Pacifica at Mabel's number. I hope I got all that right."

"Yeah, sounds right," (Wendy) said. She took the phone from a vest pocket. "You got Mabel on speed dial?"

"Under contacts."

"Let me just tell you," Mabel said to (Wendy), and she recited the number. Wendy punched it in and waited. And waited. Then, with a frown, she thumbed her phone off. "Went to voice mail," she said.

"I don't like that," (Dipper) said.

"Yeah," Mabel agreed. "She'd have checked the caller ID. There's no way that Pacifica wouldn't answer a phone call from my bro."

"Unless for some reason—she couldn't," (Wendy) said, and they all stared at each other in consternation and sudden fear.