Hello, Lovelys! I have an official update schedule now, just go to my profile to see when I'll be posting new stuff.
I was released from the hospital about a week ago, and have had to try to be happier around people that seem to be constantly checking on me. Why won't they just go away? I avoid talking with Kaiden, definitely not bringing up matters of the heart. I can't believe he loves me.
Beatrix is over, playing cards. We are eating brunch, blueberry waffles with chocolate chips and maple syrup. My favorite. For some reason, Credinsa has continued to send me oranges. I am grateful, they are my "comfort food". I am especially grateful for them with the reaping in just a few days. 'Tis always stressful around the reaping.
"Go fish!" Bea yells.
"What?" I say laughing.
"Didn't you pay attention in history?" She asks.
"Not really." I admit.
"It's what the ancients said when they played cards." She says matter-of-factly.
"I think I remember that. But we aren't playing 'Go fish'. We're playing what they called 'Poker'." I reply.
"Whatever." she mutters. She rounds up all the cards, starting to shuffle them. I watch her rhythmical process. Split, blend, bridge, a line. Repeat. I watch until I hear the door open. I look through the open door, into the entry hall. It's Kaiden.
"Hello?" He says, wiping his brow. He's covered in sweat, panting slightly, and a little red. Something about his appearance... It's... I don't know.
"In the kitchen!" Bea yells. She smiles as he enters the room. "We're playing cards and why are you sweating so much?" She asks cheerily.
"I just finished painting." he explains.
"Painting...?" Bea and I say simultaneously, the doubt clear in our voices.
"Yeah..." He trails off. "Ooo, what are you eating?" His eyes light up when he sees. "Waffles?"
"No, paint." I say flatly.
He looks at me and laughs. His laugh is low. Deep. Enchanting. Like Finnick's. Oh, Finnick. How I wish you were here.
Bea gets up, breaking me from my thoughts as she noisily prepares Kaiden's food. "Where's Matten?" She asks.
"Sleeping." Kaiden answers. His blue eyes follow Bea's red ringlets.
"What were you painting?" I ask.
"Just an outdoor scene. You know." He says shrugging.
I nod, not feeling like talking any further. He loves me. The thought is in my head before I can stop it. I feel my face start glowing.
"Why are you blushing?" Kaiden asks. Damn, he noticed.
I open my mouth but I here Bea's voice instead. "Because you said you love her." Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Damn. Oh, gosh. Bea. Damn-shit-fuck.
Now Kaiden is the one blushing. He looks down, smiling. "I did, didn't I?"
"According to her. But Matt says you 'fucking' love me." I blurt out before I can stop myself. The fuck happened to self control, Willow?
"True." Kaiden says looking at me. "Bea, where's my waffles?" He asks, changing the subject. Awkward.
Bea is just standing in front of the sink, staring at us. Do something! "Right here." She squeaks.
Kaiden smiles nervously. He starts eating. I watch how he holds his knife when slicing. He holds it a little awkwardly because of an injury from the arena. I look at Beatrix, her red hair, which is only to her shoulders. It was down to her waste, but it was burnt off in the arena. Matten, his scars, are in the form of plastic surgery. He had his face hit with a slug hammer on the right side, by the career he snapped at. That obviously happened right before he became victor.
I, am wounded internally. We all have our wounds. Some outside, but all of us are scarred emotionally, too.
We're all broken.
XXX
After they leave, I sit by the fire place, thinking. How do I feel about Kaiden? About him loving me? To be honest, I have no idea how I feel about him. I care, but I don't know if I love him. I am flattered that he loves me. Alright. I am shocked. I am scared what that means. I don't know how to feel. Should I love him back? No, not unless I really love him. If I just pretended, that would be cruel. Cruel, cruel, cruel. And I don't want to hurt him. That's the last thing I would ever want to do.
The way he has control over me, it feels... Good? No... Right? What the hell... All of the above? And how I loose my head and say things with out thinking. Only happened once before... With Finnick. And what else happened with Finnick? You fell in love. Shut up, brain. You know nothing! Heart, what is your verdict?
You like him. I like him. "I like him." I say to myself. Love him? Not yet. I am still not over Finnick. Maybe I won't ever be. He was my first love. And he will always be in a special place in my heart, inaccessible to anyone else.
But hey, maybe two broken hearts can make one whole.
I know, I know. Fluff. Yep. I went there.
