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Also, sorry for not updating sooner, I'm a mess!
Disclaimer: Several of the dialogues that appear on this chapter (with one minuscule change) were taken directly from the book, therefore I don't own them.
XVI
Unbearable
In his short time as a Death Eater, Severus had already fulfilled too many terrible tasks. The memories of the people he had tortured haunted his nights and days, and he wasn't sure how much more of it he could take.
It had been months of not finding where to live when he finally ended up staying at one of the cheapest rooms on the Hog's Head— and like many nights before, he sat alone in the pub drinking a rather large glass of firewhiskey. His presence was lost in the darkness of the place— his black robes hid his body and his dark hair covered his face. At this time of the day the pub tended to be almost empty and usually nothing interesting happened, except for the fact that today he had seen Albus Dumbledore enter with a strange looking woman, not too long ago.
With a sigh Severus reached to his pocket, pulling out a necklace and examining it carefully. He held it tightly in his hand for a second and then let go only to hear a small crack signaling that it had opened. Inside was a picture of him kissing a girl; right next to it the words "I will love you forever - J & S" were carved in flawless handwriting.
Severus had discovered how to open Juliana's locket a year before. One dark night, after being badly tortured by Lord Voldemort, he ended up on his now abandoned childhood home, trying to recover. At first he couldn't move, so he just stayed curled up in the floor, trembling and covered in his own blood. Very slowly he brought his hand to his neck and pulled a chain out of his shirt. He held it tightly on his trembling hand and started to cry.
On his mind flashing images of Juliana smiling, laughing, and kissing him plagued his thoughts.
"I love you. I love you. I need you. I love you." He repeated again and again, his voice lower than a whisper. After a few seconds, he felt a small pressure on the palm of the hand that was holding the locket. Surprised, he opened his fist carefully only to find out that the locket was no longer closed. He frowned slightly in confusion, and managed to bring his other hand to open it completely. What he saw inside felt like a stab to his heart.
The picture that Juliana had taken of both of them kissing on Christmas Break was inside, and something he couldn't quite read was written on the other side.
"Only love will set you free." He repeated out loud and even cracked a smile. "You clever girl." He whispered and closed the locket, a newfound strength filling his body.
But now that moment was long gone, and Severus wasn't sure if he could keep this going. He wanted to live, he dreamed with the day The Dark Lord was defeated so he could try to find her and maybe they could be together again.
He didn't finish his drink. He just paid for it and decided to go back to his room; maybe he could get some actual sleep for once. On his way there, however, the loud sound of a weird voice caught his attention. He stared at the door where he assumed it came from. If he recalled correctly, it was where Dumbledore had gone with the strange woman.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... " He managed to hear before being roughly pulled away from the door by the owner of the place.
"What do you think you're doing, eavesdropping like a filthy rat?" He roared— anger and disgust coating every word— before throwing him out of the pub. "Don't you dare to come back here, slimy bastard." He spat before closing the door on his face.
But Severus had heard enough. There was someone who was going to be able to defeat Voldemort— that meant there was still hope. He was suddenly pulled from his thoughts by the burning feeling of the Dark Mark on his forearm. He panicked. I can't let him know this, he thought desperately.
But his Occlumency skill was not fully developed, and it barely helped him hide his memories of Juliana and Lily.
With his inner turmoil growing bigger by the second, he disappeared on the spot.
...
This was— or so it seemed— a gathering held solely to bring new information to Voldemort. Severus kept seeing people begging for mercy as they were tortured because they didn't have anything that interested him. Getting a grip of his thoughts was proving itself to be very difficult; it only made him feel more and more anxious— not to mention terrified. He tried to not show it, but he wasn't sure he was succeeding.
"Severus." His voice finally said, ordering him to come forward. His mind was working to not let the fear take control of him. Severus bowed in front of him, kissing his feet as he and the others had grown accustomed to do. "Severus... you've proven yourself a very reliable follower, your potions have been of great use for our cause." Voldemort said calmly, making it sound even more terrifying. "However, you know I expect only the best my followers can give me, and your potions are not enough anymore. You agree with me, I assume." He said, not giving room for a negative answer.
"Of course, my Lord." Severus replied, not looking up.
"Look at me." Voldemort commanded and Severus knew better than to not obey him. He regretted it the instant he felt him invading his mind without a warning. He reacted purely by instinct and put his most recent memories on the front of his mind, Juliana and Lily's going immediately to the back to keep them safe.
The problem was that his most recent memory was his last moments on the Hog's Head.
Voldemort exited his mind with so much force that he fell to the ground, hitting his head hard on the stone floor. He felt dizzy but was able to focus his eyesight again for a second, only to see Voldemort's red eyes looking more furious than he'd ever seen them.
After that, everything disappeared.
...
Severus was running out of breath, eager to reach the place he was supposed to meet Dumbledore.
Voldemort had finally discovered a baby that reunited the qualities the prophecy. The boy was Harry Potter, son of James Potter and... Lily Evans.
He had hated himself with so much force as he did in that moment only two times before in his life: when he was fifteen and had lost the only friend he had because of saying such a stupid word, and when he had lost the love of his life because his friends had found out she was in love with him.
Severus had already made a mistake with Lily before, but this one was much worse. Her life was at stake, and it was only his fault. He had tried to persuade Voldemort to not kill her, at least— because he knew the baby had a sealed fate already, and even if it was a dark and evil thought, he wanted James Potter to die. He wanted him to pay for what he had done to him, for being one of the worst humans that had ever set a foot on Hogwarts and despite that, being loved and forgiven by everyone.
But that hadn't worked. His desperate pleas had not been heard. Voldemort was not going to spare Lily. And even if because of a miracle he decided to do it— she was going to protect her baby until it got her killed.
So, there was only one last thing to do.
He reached the hilltop with his wand on his hand and looked around desperately, trying to find him. The wind was loud and his hair was making it difficult for him to see clearly. His breath was labored, pure panic rapidly consuming him.
What if he doesn't come?
Suddenly, he saw a white light and his wand was gone from his hand. He dropped to his knees and lifted his arms, hoping Dumbledore understood that he didn't mean any harm.
"Don't kill me!" He begged miserably.
"That was not my intention." Dumbledore said; his tone was serene yet dangerous. His wand was pointed directly at Severus; a bright light coming from the tip illuminated both of their faces. "Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"
"No—no message— I'm here on my own account!" He replied, twisting his hands together to prevent them from trembling. "I— I come with a warning—no, a request—please—" Severus nearly cried; his voice had begun shaking to the point it became difficult for him to talk. Dumbledore flicked his wand and the loud sound of the wind disappeared.
"What request could a Death Eater make of me?" Dumbledore asked with his eyes narrowed in distrust. Severus winced involuntarily at his sharp, cold tone.
"The— the prophecy... the prediction... Trelawney..." He stammered, trying and failing to find the right words to express what he was trying to say.
"Ah, yes," Dumbledore responded dryly, his tone unaffected. "How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?" Severus felt a strong pang of pain on his chest only by remembering that night.
"He knows everything—everything I heard!" He answered, deciding that explaining in detail what had happened was a waste of precious time and Dumbledore was not going to believe him anyway. "That is why—it is for that reason—he thinks it means Lily Evans!" He shrieked, his tone bordering madness.
"The prophecy did not refer to a woman." Dumbledore responded calmly. "It spoke of a boy born at the end of July—" Severus was quick to interrupt him, shaking his head.
"You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down—kill them all—" He cried out trembling like a leaf.
"If she means so much to you—" Dumbledore began slowly. "—surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?" His words were filled with so much venom that Severus knew he was right to feel terrified of the man in front of him.
"I have— I have asked him—" Severus tried to explain, realizing once he saw his repulsed expression that his choice of words had been awfully poor.
"You disgust me." Dumbledore spat and he swore he could feel the hatred coming out of him in waves. Severus winced and hunched guiltily.
"You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child?" He pushed, not even noticing that tears had begun building in his eyes.
"They can die, as long as you have what you want?" Dumbledore asked and Severus kept silent. Did he really want that? He didn't care about James Potter getting killed, and he couldn't help but imagine the baby as the reminder of the fact that she had married the man that had made his teenage years a living hell. However, deep inside he knew that he could never want anything that would make Lily unhappy to happen. And that meant her son staying alive— and of course, her husband as well.
"Hide them all, then." He managed to say. "Keep her— them— safe. Please."
"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"
"In—in return?" He asked surprised by his question, pondering in silence for a few moments. I owe it to her, this is all my fault. "Anything."
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