I walked through the doors of the school, coming from my car, my car, such a weird thought for me now. I ducked into the bathroom quickly to check my touch-up job on my cheek. David and I hadn't been together for some time now, but it didn't stop the anger, something I didn't understand. I looked into my reflection, my reflection. This wasn't mine. It was who I was. If it showed me, it would show a dead girl. Instead, she's perfectly normal, just a dullness to her brown eyes, eyes that used to shine. I sighed, a shine that had once been for a love for life, a love for just plain simple joy, a shine that intensified when I laughed. Eyes are the windows to the soul. If that is true, it makes sense as to why mine are empty. What could possibly be in them? Besides a void where love and trust once were. I turned to the door, my posture slumped, my blonde hair tied back messily in my tom boy outfit. I sat surrounded by my "friends," by her friends, the girl I used to be, and continued to pretend I was. The one I wish my life could go back and be, but I knew never truly could. I listened to the conversations around me, the muffled chitter chatter of mindless teenagers returning from summer break. The bell rang and the teacher barked her commands to us more and handed us a single sheet of yellow paper. It held our schedules. We had a few minutes to talk quietly, and I compared my schedule with her friends, who gaped at the difficulty level saying she, I, would die. I laughed, an empty sound to my ears, but one that fooled them nonetheless.
The bell rang and I proceeded to my first class, AP United States History, APUSH as we called it for short. I walked into the classroom of the alleged best History teacher at my school and he placed us in a seating chart. I took out my notebook when I sat down, one of the first to be seated due to my last name being Brandon. My hand shook as I attempted to write my name, I glared at the appendage, willing it to still itself. As if I had control over it. I couldn't even control my life, how could I possibly control anything else? I put down the pencil and waited for the teacher to finish his chart. I looked down at my schedule,
1st - A.P. United States History - Ragland
2nd - Guitar - Atenhan
Homeroom - Kim
3rd - Study hall - Finley
4th - A.P. Calculus AB - Swanson
5th - A.P. Biology - Thompson
6th - French II Honors - King
7th - English III A.P. - Crawford
A true suicide mission in the eyes of everyone I had told. But at least the higher level classes assured I wouldn't have any classes with Jesse. I spaced staring down at the line that said study hall, what were the chances we would have that together? Slim to none. I hoped. I knew some familiar faces in APUSH at least, I had a feeling I was going to fail that class, but I didn't care, standard would've put me at risk of having a class with Jesse. I wasn't making that Laurent any greater if I had a choice. There was no advanced study hall, no option at all.
I was glad there was a small break in my schedule of hard classes. The bell rang and I ducked out of class quickly, moving on to my next one. I walked past the stairwell and was roughly pulled backwards into it. I felt my textbook digging into my back from the pressure the wall put on my bag.
"How's your first day been precious?"
"I need to get to class," my voice barely came out. He had his hands on my shoulders, and his grip tightened at my words. A teacher walked into the stairwell and he released me like the contact had burned him. He grasped my hand and drug me out and into the public hallway once again.
"So where are you going lovely?" He asked, patronizingly affectionate with the words. My anger flared inside, a feeling I had long accomplished suppressing in his presence, for it only ever made things worse when he had me alone.
"Guitar." My simple one word response. His brown eyes flicked to me in annoyance and his pace quickened down the hall. We walked into the commons area, mob area in my opinion, and I darted off into it, leaving him behind. I knew I would pay for it later, but I could only focus on escaping the present moment. I slowed my pace as the people thinned out and I entered the A hallway, the arts and gym hall. I slid inside my class and followed the same standard procedure. Get your seat, go through a charade of getting to know your new classmates, get the rundown of the course and the classroom rules, all of which are the same, and all of which are ignored. My heart-rate quickened when the bell rang and I knew I would face the only possible class that could collide with Jesse. With six other different ones how likely could it be that his study hall is in the same time and place as mine? Not very good according to some quick formulating I did. But there still was the slim Laurent he would... One I hope with every thread of my being wouldn't happen.
I didn't have any homework yet, so study hall would be painfully slow anyway. I stood in the classroom, watching the door with owl eyes as each person entered. Each one frightening me, and leaving me relieved it wasn't the greasy black haired boy I dreaded seeing. The final bell rang, and the teacher began the seating chart. I nearly collapsed to the ground at the stress that fell off my shoulders at that exact moment. I gratefully took my seat when the teacher called my name to it, and I plugged in my ipod to enter my trance for the next forty minutes or so of the boring period.
I went to calculus the next period, the only Junior in the entire class. It was saddening to see my friend Bella was not in my class. The only other Junior grade girl taking calculus AB besides myself period. So basically I was on my own, as always. What else could I expect? I've been on my own through this whole experience, ever since things went to hell I took it upon myself to handle it. To take it until I could leave it. And there I was, taking more than I could possibly handle and maintaining a small semblance of outward normalcy to those around me.
The rest of the day, was uneventful. I escaped having lunch with Jesse also, another blessing, one of two I had received since this started. But not the last, and certainly not the best one I would receive.
I hid in the girls' restroom until the buses left, because I knew Jesse couldn't drive. The coast clear for my to return to my house, I went out to my car. Grateful to go to a place I could call safe. During the day that is... When the lights went out and the activity died down, I returned to the hell I lived. It haunted my thoughts and even my sanctum of my dreams. I shook off that unfortunate fact and cranked up the radio, shattering my thoughts. A danger as a driver to have thoughts scrambled? Probably. But a greater danger to myself was to dwell longer on a problem I didn't need to think about currently.
It was Thursday, an odd day to go back to school, but better than sending us straight into a full week. I already felt like I had been hit by a truck as it was, and it was only day one. I didn't enjoy having study hall 3rd, it was too early in the day. I preferred it 7th, like last year. So I had all my homework and I could get as much as possible done and take the rest home. Instead of sitting like a dead beat in study hall and then working a lot when I got home, also not remembering what I had done at school since homework was hours after class.
Walking in the door, I tossed down my bag and toed off my shoes. My brain felt fried and in no way up for homework yet. I opened my laptop, my refuge away from the world I lived in. I checked my media sites, updated on my bands, read, and avoided any thoughts about the earlier hours. It reached dinner time and I sat with her family again, I couldn't call them my family, to say that would insinuate they understood who I had become now, and they had no idea. As far as any of them knew, my ex was simply that, an ex I didn't talk to, didn't have interactions with, didn't have physical altercations with on a daily basis. They were a family of the girl with the perfect life, the one who didn't even realize her life was perfect. They were my family before I filled my life with secrets, my parents don't know who their daughter is, my sisters don't know who I am anymore either. It aches to know I can't even trust them. Who can I trust? My answer was the internet. Who did I talk to? Strangers online. Ones who didn't have any value in my life, but were an outlet for someone to know I'm out there enduring this malevolent behavior. People that I could shut out at any point in time, and never speak to again. Their opinion of my situation didn't matter, but them being there to hear it was what kept me sane sometimes.
My mother asked us how school went, my youngest sister gave a long play by play of the entire day and how fun it was, my middle sister demonstrated how awful new schools were and how much she hated it, and I gave a generic 'it was fine' as a response. I used to get odd looks when my decline of vocalness started, but at this point, they didn't think anything of it. Dinner dismissed, and I retreated to my room. I clicked on my light and looked at the bland purple walls, the empty message board, the spotlessness of the whole area. I crawled into bed and put in my headphones. I was tired, and wanted sleep. I blared the music to the max and drifted into a dreamland.
I woke and it was dark out, there was a piercing in my ears, that after a few seconds, and the emergence of an ache in my throat did I realize was once again my screams. My skin was layered in sweat and my hair matted around me. I clicked my phone, 3:12 am. Two and half more hours of possible sleep. But I knew that wasn't going to be possible. I couldn't remember the dream, but the way my pulse thrummed and the terror I had awoken with said it wasn't good. I was thankful I didn't remember this one. I don't need another unpleasant memory floating through my mind. Trying to clog my few last momentous and motivating outputs I had left. I didn't need further pollution of my head. I climbed out of my bed, which squeaked as I did it, I groaned at the irritating sound. Dragging to the bathroom I cranked up the hot water and looked at my haggard expression, my discolored face, my dull hair, my flat line of a mouth, my mouth had once been almost constantly turned upward in a toothy grin. I was easily amused and laughed a lot, but now it was such a rare occasion that the sound was foreign to my ears. I spent nearly an hour in the shower, tenderly cleaning my abused skin, before I got out. I glanced the mirror and saw the scattered bruising across my body and shuddered. I dressed myself in my standard jeans and long sleeve shirt layered with a tee over it. It was 4:30. I applied what felt like pounds of foundation, merely to cover the various shades of blue on my face. I winced applying it to the newer stains of color on my face, the spots still quite tender to touch.
My mornings were long, I always woke at early hours from nightmares I often couldn't recall. I had decided early on it was good I couldn't remember them.
I pulled into the lot at school with five minutes before classes would start. Minimizing the time left to run into Jesse as much as possible. The fewer encounters, and the shorter, the better off I would be. I walked down to my locker, peering around the last corner, bracing myself for what I might see. What I saw didn't shock me, Jesse was leaning against my locker, eyes hard as the cold ground in the winter, the brown I had once thought was so warm, trying to burn a hole straight through me. I continued walking straight on to him, I bent down and opened my locker under his hating glare. Another girl came behind me, trying to get to her locker above mine, but Jesse was in her way. He shifted his gaze from me to her, and shifted his stance away from her locker. Instead of lingering as I had expected him to, he turned and stalked off.
I gathered my thoughts, and my books, and walked off to my class. Taking a seat at my desk, I opened my notebook and scribbled the Prime time down. I walked to the door and threw away a sheet I had aimlessly drawn some fairly morbid sketches on, and proceeded back to my desk.
"Hi there," I heard as I walked by a dark haired boy. I ducked my head, hoping I hadn't interrupted his conversation, and sat down as the final bell rang. The teacher called roll and went into his lecture.
The next week passed, and the mind numbing census counts continued during second period. The following Monday, I went to APUSH first period, and Mr. Ragland handed me a piece of pink paper.
"What's this?" I asked, a nervous tenor to my voice.
"Your new schedule." He answered. The final bell rang and everyone was in their seats except me.
"Looks like Ms. Brandon won't be joining us in first period anymore." Mr. Ragland said to the entire class.
"Aww we'll miss you!" My gaze flicked to the voice, the brunette boy, smiling goofily, waved at me. I looked down at my schedule, and saw it had changed. A lot.
1st period - Calculus - Swanson
2nd period - French II H - Smith
3rd period - Study Hall - Yung
4th period - Guitar - Atenhan
5th period - English III AP - Yung
6th - AP Biology - Thompson
7th - AP United States History - Ragland
I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out. I was unsure of what I was supposed to do, I went on to my calculus class and stood outside the door for a moment. There were pros to this surely, Jesse wouldn't know my schedule anymore. But how long really would it take him to figure it out again? I sighed and pushed open the door. Mr. Swanson looked up and smiled. He was always a cheery teacher.
"Well look who we've got. Hi Alice!" My eyes scanned the class quickly, and I smiled when I saw I was in Bella's class now. She tapped the desk right behind her and I sat there.
The bell rang and dismissed us. I stood and Bella turned to me.
"Why are you in first period now?" She asked.
"Something about my french teacher going to the new school, so I got switched all up." I grimaced. Whenever something changed, it took me awhile to adapt and not try to do the old thing still.
"That's fun." She poked me as we walked down the hall.
"Haha no. I was just getting used to the people in them too." I frowned. I was also horrible with names. I pulled my dirty blonde hair out from under my backpack strap, it was pulling on it and it hurt.
"Maybe you should get that cut." She laughed.
"I like it the way it is, and it's taken forever to get it here." I looked down at it, it went about halfway down from my neck to my waist, just below my breasts like a mermaid.
"You look like a mermaid." I gaped at her. "What?"
"I was just thinking that!" She laughed, with or at me I'm not sure.
"Well I'll see you later." I waved at her and went to get my french stuff out of my locker. As soon as I retrieved it, the door slammed shut barely avoiding my fingers. I suppressed a growl of annoyance, and stood to my full, yet still un-intimidating height of five feet.
"Schedule change?" I turned on my heel and walked away from that black haired devil. I wasn't in the mood for his shenanigans right now, and there wasn't much he could do about my defiance in the open, people filled hallway. I would regret it later I was sure, but right now my confidence was high so I wasn't going to take it. I marched right on into my second period french class and ignored him.
Study hall and guitar passed without event, I gathered my english stuff and walked into the classroom.
"Alice!" I heard a high pitched, male voice, shriek. I turned and saw the dark haired boy from APUSH. I gave what I hoped was a smile, but I couldn't tell if it was that or some sort of contorted grimace. He waved at me, a large gesture shaking his whole body, a wide smile plastered on his face. I gave a little shake of the hand to him, and sat down in the closest available desk before I did something to embarrass myself further. I don't like attention, and his shouting towards me made me feel like I was on the spot, and my face burned and my throat swelled with a nervousness I have never been able to explain.
It was 5th period for english, so part of the class turned into study hall so it wouldn't get ahead of any of her other classes. I pulled out my ipod, a first generation touch, and clicked on my favorite band with the headphone in one ear. I started my homework for the day, calculus, and was scribbling down derivatives when he came over and tapped my ipod.
"I have the same one. It's awesome isn't it." He was smiling again, I wondered if he ever didn't smile. It was good on him, he had gently dark eyes, hazel and warm. Green but not quite, enough brown to say they weren't purely green. His mouth was in a wide, perfect smile and his face, lightly stubbled, was pleasant to look at.
"It's my best friend." I said.
"What math is that?"
"Calculus AB." I mumbled.
"Dang girl you must be smart."
"So they say."
"You must be, APUSH, AP lang and calc. Missing any?"
"AP bio..."
"You are my idol. Well I'll see you." He turned and went to his own desk, laying down on it and sleeping. I felt bad that I didn't even know his name. I didn't want to ask and make it known I didn't know it either. I decided I would just pay attention when the teacher called roll the next day, try and figure it out from that. I was never good with names, it was a weak point, but I was fairly sure I hadn't even heard his yet. I turned my attention back to Calculus and attempted to do my assignment.
I looked in the mirror, 5:30 am., and saw someone I hadn't seen in awhile, I saw myself. I saw someone with life in her eyes. I put on a dress, one I hadn't worn in god knows how long, and a sweater to hide the bruising that decorated my arms. I layered my makeup and straightened my hair, and passed as a female.
I walked into Calculus and Bella looked at me and asked what was up. She knew I was never a fan of dresses at school, it was a hassle. I shrugged it off and replied best I could.
"I dunno, this morning just felt like dressing like a girl this morning." I smiled.
"I don't wanna know what's got you up with the living today but I like it. Whatever is making you happier should stick."
"I agree, if only I knew what it was." In all honesty I don't know where the change in attitude came from. It was just kinda there when I woke up this morning. I smiled and mindlessly chatted with Bella down to my locker, where to my pleasant surprise, Jesse was not. I broke out into a full out smile for the first time in what was probably weeks.
I went on to through the day, and I chatted with Emmett during guitar. Guitar was an easy, mind numbing class. I never had to think, I could practice for three minutes and have the song down, leaving the rest to talk with Emmett, who just didn't practice really at all. Fourth ended and I went on to fifth. I went to my locker, always the nerd who comes to class prepared, and saw nameless boy right next to my locker. Lockers were divided in half, bottom and top. I had a bottom locker, he had a top one that was to the left of mine. I bent down to get my book, wary of any action my skirt was doing, closed my locker and walked on to class. I was standing by my desk when he walked in. He smiled at me and walked over.
"You look adorable." He said with that full grin on his face, and patted the top of my head in a gesture that, with anyone else, would have felt awkward. It only made me feel childish. I smirked nevertheless and accepted his compliment, or what I assumed was a compliment anyway.
"James!" His head snapped around towards a guy out in the hall. He made a girly little squealing sound and ran out and hugged the guy. They talked quite animatedly until the two minute bell rang and they each retreated to their respective classrooms.
I flipped open my computer as soon as I got home, my solace, my haven, my one day husband. I got on facebook to do some catching up. I had a few unattended friend requests that I responded too, and I saw on the side of my wall, suggestions for friends. I requested a few I knew from school, each one I clicked vanishing and becoming a new one.
James Brandon. I clicked on it, and saw surely enough it was James from english. Why not? I clicked request to become friend. I continued surfing facebook and other internet sites I frequent and a few moments later my phone buzzed with a notification someone had posted on my wall. I looked and blushed when I saw it.
James Brandon: Hey Cutie!
He was nice. The nicest person I had met in a long time. It was cool to meet a decent human being again. Well, as far as I knew he was decent. *Ding* I looked back at fb and saw chat had opened up with James.
James: What's up?
Alice: Internetting. You?
James: Just got home from the football game. Tiiired!
Alice: How'd it go?
James: The perfect game! like, I cant think it going any better
Alice: Awesome! I didn't go, I had too much to do.
James: I see I see. Well its all good
Alice: My sister went to summits game and said they were losing 30ish to nothing when she decided it was time for me to pick her up
James: haha thats sucks
*that sucks
oh well
they are a great school
Alice: She got really bored watching
James: Ya I bet.
so how are you?
hoes school going?
hows*
Alice: Apush is killing me, and everything else is ok I suppose. I took too many hard courses. How bout for you?
James: I actually love apush. And ap english kicks butt!
I'm liking all my classes but chemistry.
Alice: Who do you have for chem? I am just not good at history so I'm dying with everything APUSH is.
James: well so far we haven't like essays or tests, just note taking which is weird.
Alice: Yeah, that's not going to go over well when we do
James: And i have the bowling coach as my teaher... im not good with names. or spelling
Alice: haha me neither. I had mrs. cotton for honors chem last year and I did not like her at all.
James: Yeah they don't know how to teach
Alice: It's not that she didn't know how, she just didn't
James: exactly
but I have straight a's so I'm not going to complain as much
Alice: I have all a's except dang ap bio right now. Stupid class...
James: I see
regret taking it?
mr thompson right?
Alice: Yeah him, it's not that I regret taking it, I just wish it didn't start out with biochem.
I hate biochem
James: Oh that makes sense well, then youre getting the stupid stuff over with
i had him for biology
freshman year
fell asleep every day
Alice: He reAlice makes you wanna go to sleep. I am glad we're getting it over with, but it still sucks pretty bad
James: you can do it
Alice: thanks. I hope so.
James: well
im sure your sick of taking to the creepy guy in your english class
Alice: I don't think your creepy, but I do need to sleep.
James: hehe
well have a wonderful night cutie
Alice: you too
I clicked the computer shut, and laid down for some rest. Until my nightmares sent me reeling into the realm of the living only a few short hours later.
HOMECOMING
The buzz of the week at school. I hadn't decided if I was going to go yet or not. I wrapped my hand around my foot and pulled down, burning in my muscles as I stretched by the football field. I hated this sport, but the people were amazing. They were kind, and the sport was a coping technique for me. The physical exertion reduced the stress level that, with every passing day I saw Jesse, raised higher and threatened the thread thin link between mind and body I had left, the last remaining link of my sanity that he was sawing away at, that everything in my life was destroying, what once was a shiny, impenetrable link, was now a rusted, mangled piece of metal that could snap between my fingertips.
The coach called us in, to talk about the upcoming meet, and then set us loose. We ran down the long, downhill path to the prison, I mean, school. The way down was easy, it's when we would turn around and go up that damn hill that it near killed me. I ran along with freshman friend, Kate, and Ellen, whom I worked with. We ran together and where about half down the hill when I heard someone shout from a car.
"Hi!" I looked over, and saw James waving at me from his car. I waved, and knew my face depicted my confusion, but kept running anyway. Thursday, the long run. Probably about six miles. We ran down the road until the coach told it was time to turn around, and when we reached the hill, I was ready to collapse. I ran way too hard today, and when we reached the football field I felt my legs shaking under me. We stretched and then were dismissed. I climbed into my car, and drove home.
I walked in the door, tossing my stuff in the floor and proceeding to attack my homework. I flipped open my laptop so I could type up my english analysis. English homework felt so repetitive, and I've always been extremely wordy with what I say, one reason for my typing homework. Also, my handwriting was always near illegible. I was amazed at teachers' ability to read it.
*bleep* I flinched involuntarily, realizing it was actually just the computer telling me I had a message. I went over to facebook to see what it was.
James: Hey cutie :)
I smiled, everytime I got on it seemed like he messaged me. I liked talking to him, it was oddly carefree.
Alice: Hey :)
James: Whatsup?
Alice: English homework. :P
James: We had homework? :/
Alice: Haha yes we did.
James: Oh well. Are you going to homecoming tomorrow?
Alice: I dunno. I don't really dance. :/
James: I do. Mormons learn a lot of dances.
Alice: And I know none. :) Idk, I would feel awkward going by myself.
James: Then don't. :)
Alice: Easier said than done.
James: If you go, let me know. :)
Alice: Why do you wanna know?
James: If you go, I want to dance with you.
Alice: Ok.
James; You should go. ;)
Alice: I guess I can go with Rosalie. She'd been pestering me to go anyway..
James: Cool. :) Save me a dance?
Alice: Of course. ;) I should go do my homework.
James: Good luck. Ttfn. :]
I signed off of chat and concentrated on my homework. Twenty five minutes later, I was finished with my homework. I went to my room and raided my closet, sadly realizing I had nothing to wear for tomorrow. I texted Rosalie.
Emergen-c! Homecomin crisis!
What the matta grl?
No dress!
Gotta car?
You no it
Let's go
C u in 10.
I grabbed my wallet, and my keys, left a note for my mother, and ran out the door. I had only been to her house once, but I was fairly sure I could find it. I pulled up 8 minutes later, and she walked out the door. Rosalie was quite a bit taller than me, and a bit larger in size, but generally speaking I was petite. Just over 100 pounds and not even 5' tall.
"Yo girl. Long time no talk?" She joked upon getting in my car. "Damn! This is much cleaner than Esme's!" She rambled on, and I nodded, urging her on. Rosalie was easy to talk to, a simply acknowledgment you were listening was enough to keep her going. She went on about her boyfriend, and school and her senior year. I smiled and half-listened. We pulled up to a little bargain store. "We gotta get a hotttt dress for you, you're so little though." I laughed, and locked the car. We browsed the dresses, not quite sure what size I even wore, we grabbed things that looked like they might fit. I'd gathered about twelve between the two of us picking, and went to try them on. "Are you going with someone Alice?" She asked.
"Nah not really."
"Gonna chill with us cool people then?" I could hear the smile in her voice.
"That's the plan." The first dress swallowed me completely, and the second was unflattering, and that's about how it went. I eventually decided on a floor length dark blue dress, basic with a tie around the neck. It was long, but basic enough for it to not be deemed over dressed for homecoming. Rosalie pretended to fan herself and I giggled. We bought the dress for a mere fifteen dollars, and went to go grab some food at the high class food joint of our little town, for us teens anyway: taco bell.
I walked into my house, seeing my mother was still not home, and my dad was still out of town. I took my note and ripped it up, tossing it in the trash. I trudged up the stairs, feeling the weight of the week on my shoulders, dragging me down. I turned the shower to max heat, and climbed in, feeling the heat pounded into my skin, achieving a small amount of relief with the pain. After a few minutes, the steam hindered my breathing, and I toweled off, drying my long blonde hair, and putting on my clothes for tomorrow. I tucked myself in under my covers, and prayed for a sleep not tainted with the stains of my present and my past. I knew the prayer was a waste of my time and that in reality no one was actually listening to me, but sitting at the edge of my bed, on my knees, pouring my heart to the stars, I couldn't help but feeling a small amount of relief.
