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XX
Anew


For Severus, living had turned into constantly falling down a bottomless pit of despair and self-loathing.

He had faced the Wizengamot almost a week earlier and he had got cleared of all his crimes; all thanks to Dumbledore. Maybe to an outsider that could appear to be a nice situation, but in reality it wasn't: now, both sides despised him. Death Eaters and Voldemort supporters because of his betrayal, and Dumbledore followers because of his Death Eater status. There was only one person who knew the truth, and that made him feel incredibly lonely. So lonely, in fact, that it was starting to become unbearable.

He looked at the empty bottle of firewhiskey in front of him, so disgusted with himself that it could be seen clear on his face. His hand moved instinctively to his neck, pulling out a silver locket he always had on him.

I miss you. I wish you were here with me. I need you.

He suddenly felt so angry at himself that he reached for the bottle and threw it to a wall with all the force he could muster, smashing it into hundreds of little pieces.

If you saw me now, what would you think of me? Barely a reminiscence of the person you once loved.

I'm so sorry, Juliana.

I'll try for you.

I'll be better for you.

I'll help the boy for you.

...

It was almost an hour later when showered, shaved, and freshly dressed, Severus was ready to go. The self-loathing was still inside him untouched, but now at least now it didn't show on his face for the rest of the world to see.

Dumbledore had offered him a job at Hogwarts, insisting it was the best way "to keep him safe". But Severus knew it was more than that; it was to keep a close eye on him. Going back to Hogwarts to work as a teacher had to be the last thing he wanted to do now, but the truth was that he didn't have any other options. He couldn't even make a living out of selling his potions; the war had ended very recently and no one wanted to relate themselves with any Death Eaters— even former ones. He had told Albus he was going to think about it but there really was not much to consider, he had already decided he was going to accept.

It wasn't like he had a choice.

So, when an owl delivered a letter from the Headmaster asking Severus to meet him at Hogwarts because he wished to speak with him, he didn't think anything else apart from the man wanting a response to his offer.

Use the floo, the letter instructed.

He put his robe on and after muttering Albus Dumbledore's Office, disappeared in a gush of bright green flames. Once he walked out of the fireplace, he began to dust himself off to look presentable.

"Albus?" He asked, not seeing the headmaster anywhere. He heard sharp intake of breath and turned briskly to the source of the noise, his wand ready to attack any intruder. However, it slipped from his fingers to the floor when he recognized the person sitting in one of the couches. He was frozen on the spot, his limbs weren't responding to his brain commanding them to move, to walk— run towards her.

Are you real this time?

Juliana's cheeks were soaked with tears; she wasn't able to move either.

"Severus." She whispered and her voice broke; the sound of it was enough for Severus legs to give out as he fell to his knees.

She practically flew to where he was and kneeled right in front of him, not daring to touch him just yet.

"Juliana?" He questioned incredulously, tears of his own already gathering on his eyes.

"Yes, love. It's me." She answered, smiling sadly.

"How...?" He barely managed to ask but it was enough.

"I asked Albus for help. When I found out Voldemort was gone..." she began to say but the sound of his name felt like a slap in the face to him, bringing him back to his senses quicker than a lightning bolt. He stood up immediately and moved away from her as fast as he could.

Voldemort. All I've done. Lily. Monster. Monster!

Severus turned his back to her, not knowing what to do. His mind tried to consider going away and leave her alone because she deserved so much more, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to renounce to her again; he wasn't that strong. He looked down at his hands before shutting his eyes, his fists clenching tightly to stop themselves from trembling. Breathing suddenly became an extremely difficult task.

He stiffened instantly when he felt a hand on his shoulder that slowly moved to caress his jaw and then the back of his neck, fingers burying themselves on his hair. His eyes remained closed the whole time, he couldn't help it. Soft lips ghosted over his asking for permission he granted when he gently grabbed the sides of her face and smashed them to his. The kiss was short but strong, a deep meaning behind it. They pulled away just barely, separated enough to breathe but close enough that if they moved an inch they would begin kissing again.

"My love…" Severus managed to say as he opened his eyes to meet hers but looked away almost immediately. "I've done terrible things, things you can't even imagine— things you should never imagine..." he admitted, his voice hoarse and filled with sorrow. "Why did you come back? I'm not good for you, my soul— my soul it's just darkness." Their eyes connected once again. "Why?" He whispered.

"Because you're the love of my life." She said before closing the distance between them, pressing her mouth to his.

Severus mind once again got lost in the pure bliss her kisses made him feel. His tongue brushed her lips and she opened them, gladly. Her hands tangled in his hair, pulling him as close to her as humanly possible just as his went to her hips, the sides of her shirt trapped tightly on his fists. Soon his arms enveloped her completely, their bodies almost melting into one.

When they finally pulled away, they rested their foreheads together. They kept their eyes closed, trying to regain their breaths.

"Do you still love me?" She asked panting and opened her eyes, only to find him already looking at her.

"Of course, my love." He answered immediately, giving her a quick kiss. "How could I stop? I loved you then, I do now and I'll love you forever." He finished kissing her deeply again.

"Severus." She stopped him, breaking the kiss. "There is actually another reason why I'm here." She said and he paled, panic overcoming him. "No, no. Don't be scared." She reassured him, her hand caressing his cheek. He closed his eyes, the corner of his lips curling upwards. "Come." She instructed, taking his hand and leading him to another couch a little farther away.

"What is—" He began to say but his voice was lost the moment he saw what— who was on it.

A girl. A baby girl. She had to be around two or three years old.

Severus gasped and the sleeping form of the kid stirred. A small whimper left her mouth before her eyelids began to open. When her eyes made contact with his, the rest of the world was lost to him.

Those eyes could she be...?

His line of thought was interrupted by the little girl's cry of happiness as a wide smile began to form on her round face.

"Daddy!" She screamed, raising her small arms to him, pleading to be picked up.

"Severus… this is Cassandra. Our daughter."

He couldn't begin to think of an answer to that. The little girl had her arms up still, her little hands moving wildly. He slowly made his way to her; his face now an open display of the emotions he was feeling.

He kneeled in front of her and she put her little hand on his cheek. Severus' breath caught on his throat and he closed his eyes, covering her tiny hand with his own. Seeing that he was not going to pick her up, Cassandra sat up on her own and threw herself at him, forcing him to hold her in his arms.

"Daddy." She said again, her head moving to rest on his shoulder.

Severus hugged her tightly to him, and she started playing with his hair. "Long hair, like mommy's hair." She whispered to herself and he turned to Juliana with a frown.

"What did she say?" He asked as she grinned.

"That your hair is long, like mine." He smiled too and turned again only to find that she had fallen asleep on his arms.

"She does that." Juliana said with a laugh. He moved to sit on the couch, Cassie still on his arms. He stroked her hair carefully, absolutely mesmerized.

"How did this happen? How does she know who I am?" He whispered softly, not wanting to wake her up. Juliana's smile vanished and she let out a tired sigh.

"It was the night of the attack." Severus closed his eyes tightly and shook his head, looking like he was in pain. "No, don't worry love, don't be upset." She reassured, huddling closer to him and moving her hand to his hair, massaging his scalp just like she knew he loved. She kissed his neck and watched him visibly relax. "I never made it to the room to drink the potion." A sigh escaped his lips, understanding filling his mind. "And she knows who you are because I made sure she did." He turned his face to her and kissed her briefly.

"When was she born?" He asked and she bit her lip nervously before replying.

"October 31st, 1978… she was premature." He paled and swallowed.

"What?" He managed to say, his eyes filling with tears once again.

"I'm sorry love, I know what happened last month, but it's not my fault and it's not hers for being born..." she rambled but was cut short when his warm lips on hers shut her up.

"Please don't apologize." He begged with his eyes closed. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It was my fault." He said, his jaw clenched.

"Severus, can you tell me what happened?" Juliana pleaded slowly, intertwining their fingers together.

"Not in front of her." Severus replied lowly, placing a kiss on top of Cassie's head. He placed her on the couch and conjured a warm blanket for her.

They walked to Dumbledore's desk, moving the two chairs in front of it so they were facing one another.

Severus remained silent for a few minutes, trying to gather the courage to tell Juliana what had happened. She took his hands in hers, giving them a reassuring squeeze and smiled softly. He looked at her lovingly, before leaning in to give her a small kiss. Small gestures and touches like that one were the ones that he needed the most to start speaking.

"About year ago, after I joined his ranks, I was living in a room in the Hog's Head. It was dirty and cheap, but I didn't want anything better. One night I was drinking a glass of firewhiskey when Dumbledore came with a strange looking woman— I didn't pay them much attention. But when I made my way to my room, a voice coming from the room they were in surprised me. It sounded odd— and then I listened to something. It was a prophecy, but I barely heard the beginning before the owner kicked me out." He sighed. "Just a couple of minutes later I was called by the Dark Lord. It was a report meeting. They were very regular— he summoned us to ask what kind of useful information we could have for him. I—" He tried to continue speaking, but his voice broke and he had to stop. Juliana stood up from her chair and moved to sit on his lap, her arms circling his neck and her hand burying itself in the soft hair of the nape of his neck. He sighed and hugged her tightly, burying his face on her hair.

"Take all the time you need, love." She told him softly as she caressed his hair.

"The Dark Lord... he— he always used Legilimency. He was incredible at it. I had started to study and practice Occlumency and it had been enough to protect my memories of you and Lily but… it still was on its early stages. When he called me I was barely able to concentrate enough to send those memories to the back of my mind. And as a result, the last thing that had happened came right to the front. And that was the prophecy I heard." He rubbed his eyes with a trembling hand and she kissed his neck, helping him calm down. "I didn't know who it referred to. All I knew was that it meant that he was going to be defeated and the moment I heard it I knew I had to protect that secret but— Juliana, I know it's no excuse, believe me, but I didn't have enough time to do it and he saw it, thinking I showed it to him willingly, and then he found out it was Lily's child, and I tried to do all I could to save her but in the end— in the end—" His crying stopped him from continuing and she quickly distracted him with a kiss they both poured their souls into.

"I know it wasn't your fault, Severus." Juliana assured, her voice hoarse. He didn't answer; she knew he didn't believe that.

"I missed you so much." Severus whispered brokenly as he rested his forehead against hers, his hand caressing her cheek with extreme care. "I love you. I needed you so much." He connected their lips in another desperate kiss.

"Do you know how much I missed you, every day? Every night I dreamt of you— of us being together again..." She said between kisses.

Severus felt something he hadn't felt in quite some time, and he realized that wasn't the time or place to do anything rushed.

"Not here, love. We'll have time for it later." He said and Juliana nodded in understanding.

"You're right." She sobered and moved from his lap to the chair she'd been sitting on before. "Where are you living now?" She asked looking down at her fingers playing with his.

"In my childhood home." She grimaced at the thought of him being on that horrid place filled with such terrible memories and looked up at him with a deep frown that disappeared a few moments later; that was what usually told him she had an idea.

"Live with us. We have a house, in Brazil. Come live with us." He stared at her, hopefully.

"Like... a family?" She nodded instantly, grinning as wide as her mouth allowed her. He was silent for a few seconds. "Okay, but first..." He began to say and she looked at him, puzzled.

"What?" She asked and he took both of her hands on his.

"Will you marry me?"

Her voice betrayed her when she tried to answer, so she just managed to nod wildly, tears blurring her vision before rolling down her cheeks. Before he could react, she launched herself into his arms and kissed him with all the emotion she could muster.