I was walking home from school when I started feeling anxiety in the pit of my stomach, I didn't know why I felt this way, the sun was out and it seemed like pleasant afternoon. I kept looking around me to see if I was followed, I wasn't. I told myself I was just being foolish.
Once I got to my home in the Abnegation sector of the city my anxiety grew. My front door was wide open. I almost didn't want to walk up to it because something deep inside me said something ominous lingered inside. But I went forward anyway.
Entering the barrier of my house there was stillness in the chaos of overturned chairs, scattered books, and broken tables. There was devastating destruction in the silence, it didn't make sense, shouldn't there be noise to accompany the mess? The silence engulfed me in more terror than the mess.
"Mom? Dad?" I started shouting and running through the house.
There was no answer. I was utterly alone.
I woke up gasping for air in a room full of strangers and the loneliness was drowning me. It was a dreadful way to start initiation but I didn't want to let it affect my training, with only a handful of us able to join Dauntless in the end, I needed to push myself. I needed to find a home.
Being awake before everyone else had its advantages, I was able to take a nice, long, private shower in the initiate's bathroom. The idea of all of us in the showers at once was terrifying. As the hot water ran through my hair I thought about how I didn't want anyone to see me naked, and I didn't want to see anyone else naked. The only other person I've seen naked before, I shouldn't have. The thought of him sent a shiver down back.
I was clean and dressed before Four came in to wake us up. He walked into the center of the room, looked around at the sleeping initiates and anger filled his eyes. Just as he was about to start shouting our eyes met. It looked like he was fighting a smile.
"Why are you all still sleeping? Get up and meet in the pit in five minutes." His voice boomed through the room. He nodded his head for me to follow him.
I was nervous to be alone with the instructor but I followed him out the door and down the hall to the pit. The pit, a gigantic common area in the center of the compound equipped with a flowing chasm, was fairly empty when Four and I arrived.
"Could you not sleep?" Four inquired breaking the silence between us.
My heart sped a little knowing his eyes were on me.
"I have never slept very well," I responded. My eyes rose from the ground to meet his as I spoke. His face looked to be made of stone, void of all emotion. I knew my checks must be flushed. I didn't hold eye contact for very long.
He didn't respond. I wrapped myself in my arms as we waited for the others. It didn't take long for the others to sleepily trickle down to the pit. Once Christina was there I stood next to her.
"Good Morning," I whispered to her.
"MMM, morning," she responded a bit louder than me. "How long have you been up?"
"Maybe about an hour," I said.
"Did you two talk? Was it weird to be alone with him? Isn't he scary?" she nodded towards Four.
I shrugged my shoulders but really, I agreed with her, Four was intimidating. I felt more comfortable with Christina by my side. Even though she claimed Four was scary, she didn't flinch when spoke or look away when their eyes met- she seemed fearless to me. I wish I could be more like her.
"Today is your first day of training," spoke Four. "I expect all of you to push yourself past your comfort zones, past your weaknesses and find your strength. We accept nothing but excellence here at Dauntless. Fight for your spot."
With that he led us down a series of halls, never looking back, never speaking until we got to the training room. This room was where we were going to learn to fit into our new faction. If we failed here we would never find a home within this compound. A spark of excitement extinguished my anxiety for a moment- this room is where I would become strong.
Our first lesson was learning to shoot a gun. In my hands, the gun felt awkward, dangerous. After Four showed us a demonstration we were to start practicing. Almost immediately people started shooting, missing, getting frustrated and trying again.
To my right was a Candor transfer, Peter. He was cocky, abrasive and good. Almost immediately he was hitting the target and within ten minutes was hitting the center. On my left was Christina, she didn't start off well, but was quickly getting better.
I did not immediately start firing. It was so unnatural for me to hold a gun, it felt too big and it didn't seem smart to start firing without thinking. I looked at the gun, held it, took deep breathes and took time looking down the scope at the target.
"Looks like Stiff forgot what a gun is for," sneered Peter once he realized I hadn't fired.
I sent him a dirty look. I wasn't going to let him intimate me into making a mistake. I ignored his comment and focused on what I was doing. After aiming and breathing for a long time, I felt ready. I fired the gun but wasn't ready for the blowback, I stumbled a few step back. Peter laughed at my attempt. I tired again but this time I planted myself in my spot ready for the force after I pulled the trigger. I hit the center. I smiled happy with myself.
"Good job Stiff," came a voice from behind me that took my smile away. It was Eric. I was so focused on getting comfortable with the gun that I didn't notice him walk in. I point the gun to the ground and turn my head to look at him. His grey eyes were viscous.
"Thank you," I managed to squeak out.
"Lets see it again."
I was less comfortable now, knowing that there were eyes on me. With a deep but shaky breath I lift the gun again and aimed. I emptied my round. All shots made it onto the target, a few hitting center but most scattered throughout the paper. I turned to look at Eric who was now accompanied by Four and they both seemed satisfied.
"Surprisingly you did well," said Eric, but the glint in his eye told me something malicious was coming next. "But you aren't in Stiff country anymore and need to stop dressing like it."
I looked down; I was dressed in all black. My confused eyes looked between Eric and Four.
"Your sweatshirt is much too baggy, Stiff," said Eric sounding bored. I heard Peter chuckle. After a moment of silence Eric continued, "Take it off, now."
I was wearing a tank top under my sweatshirt but I have never showed that much skin in public before.
"I'm waiting," he said when I hesitated.
I took it off and was left in a skimpy tank top that showed my shoulders, cleavage and just a little of my stomach. I felt naked. Four rolled his eyes and walked away but Eric's eyes lingered on me, violating me.
"That's more like it," he said and walked away smirking.
"Who knew you had a body under that tent Stiff?" Peter said aggressively.
My eyes met with Christina's, she gave me an encouraging smile and we kept shooting up until lunch
We entered the cafeteria after the morning of shooting feeling happy, confident and more Dauntless. Most of the initiates were doing well with the guns and for a brief moment we thought training might not be so bad.
Christina and I searched for a place to sit for lunch. We walked between tables trying to find friendly faces or open spaces. I felt like people were following us with their eyes, but I'm sure it was just my imagination because I felt so exposed in my tank top. We found a space across from to two male transfers, Will and Al.
"Hi!" Christina said as we sat down, always outgoing and loud. I smiled and nodded as a greeting.
Will looked at me and said, "You have to be pretty brave to be friends with a Candor."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Christina questioned.
"You say the first thing that comes to your mind," he explained. "You have no filter."
Christina and Will had a solid banter going throughout lunch as Al and I just listened and laughed at the appropriate times. It was nice. I seemed like I might actually be starting to make some friends.
