After lunch we went back to the training room and started to learn the basics of fighting. I was not as naturally gifted with this as I was using a gun. Each time I struck the punching bag my hands ached and the bag barely moved. After an hour I put my face in my hands out of frustration.
I looked around at the other initiates and I felt myself loosing my confidence. At 5'1 the others all have at least a good 5 inches on me. Out of the girls, I was certainty the softest, most feminine with my curves and long hair. I was the weakest. How did I think I would survive?
Emotion bubbled to the surface and in one fluid movement I raised my elbow, striking the bag. My emotion gave me the strength to make the bag swing. Of course, I was shocked, so when it swung back towards me, I got hit and I fell to the floor.
Unbeknown to me, Four had been watching me. He stretched out his arm to help me up. Hesitantly I took it and mumbled a barely audible "thank you."
"You're weak," he states.
"Uh, yeah," I said, face reddening and eyes looking at the ground.
He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. My heart fluttered with nerves and something else. "But you have a fire inside you. Use it or you'll never win a fight. Keep going," he said. His eyes were fierce and my throat felt like it was closing. I never wanted it to end but it only lasted a few seconds. It took me five minutes to breathe regularly again.
Once 6 O'clock came around, I felt a little stronger but still understood my huge disadvantage against the others. But I was no longer powerless, I wasn't in Abnegation, I wasn't in his house, I could make myself stronger. I realized, walking out of the training room that first day that I would have to try harder than everyone else. I was going to be strong, feel confident in my own skin and belong here. No more baggy sweatshirts, it was time to find courage- or try.
"What should we do tonight?" asked Christina as we were eating dinner.
Before either, Al or Will could answer I pip up, "I think we should start looking the part by getting new clothes and tattoos." I smiled into my food because I knew they were shocked, I didn't talk much and my response was the opposite of what Abnegation would say.
"Lets do it" Christina responded with excitement.
At the clothing store I picked out a handful of tops, none that were quiet as revealing as my tank top today, but all showed skin. I even picked out a skirt and dress, both that came up much higher than my knee. There is no way Eric or anyone else could say I look like a Stiff now.
As we were leaving I tripped and dropped my bags. Will helped me while Al and Christina headed in the direction of the tattoo parlor. When I bent over to grab my clothing, the shirt I was wearing raised to show more of my back revealing a few red lashes.
"Anna, are you hurt, what's that?" Will said as he went to touch my back.
I pulled my shirt down quickly and tried to restart my heart- he saw my scars. "It nothing, don't worry about it," I tried to brush it off but he didn't stop.
"We can take you to the infirmary, when did you get cut, let me see," his Erudite brain was thinking of things before he could speak them. When he raised my shirt in the back to see, he realized they weren't new injuries. My eyes pleaded with him to let it go before we joined Christina and Al who were ahead of us. He seemed to understand and gave my arm a squeeze but his look of pity didn't leave his face.
I tried to shake the memory of Will's face from my mind and the memory of how I got those scars. It was easier once we got in the parlor. I started to feel a buzzing in my skin and an excitement in my soul. Tattoos serve no real purpose, it'll be a sign I truly left my selfless past.
Christina got tribal marks on her back, Will got a pyramid on the inside of his bicep, Al the Dauntless symbol on his shoulder blade and I got a raven right below my collar bone.
The second night was easier to sleep, we were all closer as a group and I didn't feel so alone.
The next day I dressed in my new clothes, form fitting leggings and a top that slouched off one shoulder revealing my tattoo. I looked in the mirror, something I never could do back in Abnegation. My clothing hugged my curves but instead of shying away I stood up taller. I recognized the fact that I looked good, I was allowed to look good. I was allowed to have a body. Nothing was going to happen just because I wore these clothes.
I was tying my tennis shoes when Four walked it. I smiled at him, I felt ready for today. He returned my smile with a half of one; I think it was the best his controlled manner could offer.
"Up!" he shouted. "Five minutes. Pit."
I followed him out, like the day before—the day before, it felt like a lifetime ago.
"You seem different." Four said.
"I'm trying to be," I responded, my voice was still quiet but I maintained eye contact.
"Well," he said after a moment, "don't loose yourself entirely."
He took a quick step away from me because at the moment Eric walked into the pit. His eyes looked me up and down and a smirk met his lips. He stalked over to me. Once he was less than a foot away from me, he loomed over me, almost a head taller than me. I met his eyes but couldn't hold my gaze as long as I did with Four. Eric's stare wasn't as safe as Four's. He chuckled. His fingers grazed my tattoo.
"Good changes Stiff." He said just before walking over to Four.
The first part of our training today was about endurance. We were to go on a multi-mile run through the city. Eric and Four lead the group down the streets, between tall buildings, through masses of people in other factions living their normal lives. It was hard for me to keep up, my stride was shorter than the others but I enjoyed the challenge.
We made to the Factionless section of the city. My pulse increased, not because of the running but because I spent a lot in my past life helping those who lived here. As a Stiff I brought food, clothing and blankets to those who didn't make it in a faction. Often I even came to sing to them, to help boost their spirits and create hope.
Eric and Four stopped us for a short break.
"Stretch out, drink water, we have a ways to go," Four told us.
I touched my toes, stretched my hamstrings and bent backwards. I could hear Will and Christina flirting back and forth, and it brought a smile to my face. My muscles ached and it felt good. I was so wrapped up in the moment that I didn't see a factionless woman walk up to me.
When she was a few feet away from me, I finally saw her and stepped back out of shock. My arm hit Fours, he had noticed the woman and was checking out the situation.
"I miss seeing your face," the woman said to me. "But I'm happy you escaped him."
She took a step forward, not phased by Four's looming presence. I recognized the woman as someone I fed often and sang to. I was shocked that she had known my secret. It must have been apparent in my face because she said, "Yes, of course I knew what he did to you. I may not have a home but I do have eyes. The first time I saw you with him, I could tell you were afraid, you flinched at his touch. I followed you home that night because I saw the fire in your soul slowly extinguishing. I heard it all that night. I cried for you."
My eyes were wide; afraid she was going to spill all my secrets. I could smell her body odor from how close she got. Four positioned half of his body between the woman and me so I could still see her but I was protected.
"But you escaped," she continued, "You're free. I can see your fire once more. Will you sing one last song?"
Four looked at me with a confused expression.
"I used to sing to the Fractionless to give them hope," I said once I found my voice.
I looked to him to see if I should sing but my answer came from Eric, "Well lets hear a song then, Stiff."
My voice started of quiet but I gathered my strength:
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one
I took a deep breath and let the sun shine down on me, heating my skin and soothing my soul. I continued:
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
My eyes met the woman's. The only noise was my voice.
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
When I finished the woman was crying. "I'll miss you," she said and walked away. I loved singing but it didn't feel very Dauntless thing to do. I realized, I missed helping others. My choice to leave is not only testing my strength but causing me a bit of guilt- there was a lot of sacrifices to make.
Four turned and stared at me. "Let's get going," he said to the group while his deep eyes bored into my soul.
On the run back to the compound Will stayed by my side. He knew the most about my past, I'm sure he was starting to put the pieces together. I just hoped he didn't start asking questions.
