She tries to go to bed early, thinking the silence will disappear in her sleep, but it doesn't and she can't and so Amy spends half the night awake, alone (a state she's both used to and coming to loathe) and consciously choosing to not do anything stupid.

If you count calling Karma and confessing everything in a fit of hiccuping sobs and gasps and 'I'm totally in love with you and watching you with him is slowly killing me' as something stupid.

And Amy does. She so does.

So it's away with the phone and on to other… things. Something, anything.

At one thirty in the morning, she cleans her desk. It's her usual state of neat bordering on tidy bordering on almost as anal as Lauren so it doesn't take long and it takes even less time when she finds an old picture of her and Karma (circa Karma's fourteenth birthday) that's fallen from her little cork board and sees her own eyes in the shot and the way they're (she's) staring at Karma and Amy wonders how no one ever picked up on it before Shane.

She shoves the picture in a drawer behind an unopened pack of highlighters and under a stack of index cards, like that will help her forget it.

At one-forty-five, she rearranges the post it notes on her mannequin, moving any of the ones Karma wrote ('you're the best!' and 'Karmy forever!' and 'I love you') (she almost burns the last one) (then she almost falls asleep with it crumpled in her hand and tears streaming down her cheeks) to the back.

Between the moving and the almost falling asleep, that takes a little longer.

At two-twenty-three she logs onto Instagram, immediately going to Karma's account (mistake #1.) There's nothing new, picture wise, but it takes her all of three minutes (so two-twenty-five) to notice that there is something new in the comments. A new like. On practically every pic, even the ones of Karma and the Good Karma truck and her smiling parents and her blushing embarrassed (but still posted the pics to make Molly and Lucas happy) cheeks.

LiamBooks69 So cool

LiamBooks69 HarveyHester Dude, we need to try their smoothies

LiamBooks69 Lookin' good K!

Amy can practically hear him laughing and thinking how original he is with the whole '69' at the end of his name cause no one has ever done that before and she scrolls through another two sets of Karma's pictures and there's not a one he hasn't liked or commented on or tagged Shane in and he's fucking stalking her and Amy's quite sure Karma finds that much less creepy than she should.

At two-thirty she takes a ten minute crying break and at two-forty-one she logs back on and unfollows Karma on Insta and wonders how long it will take her to notice.

Probably longer than the ten minutes it lasts since Amy logs back on at two-fifty-two and refollows and she knows that will get Karma's attention and she'll totally ask about it and Amy will just blame it on some technical glitch ('you know how I am with social media') and Karma will laugh and that will be that and Amy's three am secrets will be safe.

(Except Karma never asks and Amy never lies and no, that doesn't make her feel like she's been punched in the stomach at all.)

At three-oh-five she tries working on the project again, getting as far as Googling 'same sex custody suits' (nothing subconscious going on there) but by three-oh-eight she's given up and crawled into bed and resigned herself to listening to the silence and staring at her ceiling for the next four hours till someone else in the house wakes up and then hiding in her bed because she loathes alone, but she's pretty sure she hates talking (because, with everyone but Lauren, talking is faking and faking is lying and lying is exhausting and she's done so much of it she should be wiped out and not staring at the fucking stars…)

She's asleep by three-fifteen.


The doorbell wakes her but it's Saturday and it's not even nine and Amy has no desire to see anyone. She tugs her duvet up over her head and rolls onto her side, squeezing her eyes shut under the covers.

The bell rings again and she ignores it, again and hopes that whoever it is gets bored or annoyed or Lauren answers the door and bites their head off (unless it's Karma) (or maybe especially if it's Karma) (she's not quite sure) and she burrows further under the blankets.

It rings a third time and Amy waits and listens for Lauren. She knows Farrah and Bruce are off playing golf, which is really Bruce playing and Farrah pretending (runs in the family) that she doesn't know how and letting him 'show' her and giggling a lot and (probably) making sure she wiggles against him a little bit when he stands behind her to help with her stance.

It's all very old fashioned and patriarchal and Farrah is playing into soooo many stereotypes and totally setting feminism back like fifty years (and Amy so needs to spend less time on Tumblr) and, more than anything, it's really nauseating and she pulls her pillow over her head and tries to think of anything else (or, almost anything else cause she already spent all of her sleep dreaming about Karma and LiamBooks69 and her blow up with Shane and replaying Lauren helping her to the car and so, maybe, thinking of her mom and Bruce isn't the worst option) and then the fucking bell rings again and for fuck's sake, can't anyone take a fucking hint?

She finally hears Lauren pad past her room and then down the stairs and the muffled sound of voices and then more footsteps up the stairs and then through her door (and why didn't she lock that?) and then Shane's there and on her bed and crawling under her covers and his arm is snaking around her waist.

And no, no one can take a hint. Especially not Shane.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles against the back of her neck and Amy says nothing but her eyes are open and she turns her head (pushing the pillow off) just enough to see that Lauren's there too, leaning against the dresser with an unreadable look on her face and it's just too fucking early for this.

Amy fidgets, loosening Shane's grip just enough so that she can roll and she turns to face him, keeping her expression neutral and not letting on even a little that she's sort of, kind of, maybe just a little glad to see him (as long as they don't have to talk; she's too tired to lie) and she waits.

Shane's obviously a little taken aback at her not instantaneous forgiveness. "I said I was sorry," he repeats. "I am. Sorry. You know… for… everything?"

It's the question of it that draws and 'ugh' and a huff from Lauren over by the dresser and Amy arches a brow and Shane frowns and lets his eyes drop to the bed.

"Alright, alright," he mutters. "I'm sorry I outed you to everyone."

"And?"

They both turn and look at Lauren who glares at Shane expectantly and Amy suddenly has a very good idea what those muffled voices downstairs were all about.

"And I'm sorry I haven't listened to you," Shane says. "Like at all, about anything."

It's just about enough for Amy who's really not in an apologizing or forgiving or a much of anything mood and all Shane's really doing is reminding her of everything she's trying to forget even if she can't even do that in her sleep.

"And?"

It's just about enough for Amy but not, apparently, for Lauren.

"And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you yesterday, even if you did rip me a new one in front of everyone," he says. "And I'm sorry I basically forced you into Homecoming and getting outed in front of your mother."

Oh. Yeah. That.

At least she hadn't thought of that in the last few minutes.

"And I'm sorry I tried to spread rumors about Lauren," he glares at her from the bed and Amy hopes that's it but of course it isn't and Shane goes right on apologizing for everything from not sitting with her at lunch to not helping her with her wardrobe ('there's a difference between 'I'm the butch' and 'I'm the butch cause I don't care' and we need to get you on the right side of that') and she's pretty sure he's tossed in the Kennedy assassination, World War I, the cancellation of My So-Called Life (which she's bemoaned since she discovered Netflix), and just when she thinks he's finished?

He pushes.

"And," he says, "I'm sorry that I'm making such a big deal out of this whole Liam and Karma whatever because clearly it's just some harmless flirtation since, you know, she's gay and all and -"

"Karma's faking."

Amy's not sure whose gasp is bigger - Lauren's or Shane's - though she knows they're for entirely different reasons and she's not even sure why she said it except that she kinda is cause as much relief as telling Lauren about her brought her, keeping it in about Karma is one more lie and one more lie is just one too many.

She watches Shane as about a hundred different emotions swirl over his face and at least one of them, she thinks, (the BIG one) is the look-equivalent of 'I knew it!' and then she sits up and he follows her and now it's his turn to sound like Lauren.

"And?"

"And Karma's faking it," Amy says again. "And so was I and then I kissed her and now I'm not so...no… I am sure. I'm sure I'm not straight, at least not when it comes to her, and you can get pissed at me and at her all you want but it's your own fucking fault. You and this school and it's bizzaro faux acceptance bullshit and our society as a whole that teaches girls like Karma that popularity is the thing and fuckers like you and him that reinforce it and right now, I'm tired and I stink and I'm going to shower."

Amy climbs of the bed and Shane stays there, looking like someone just told him the Earth is really flat or Tim Gunn can't sew or that orange is not the new black and Lauren's waiting by their bathroom door with a towel in her hand and another look on her face Amy can't read and she really doesn't care.

Caring is tiring and lying is tiring and worrying about Shane and Karma and Lauren and everyone else, all the fucking time, is tiring and she didn't sleep worth a damn, so you know what?

Fuck it.


Shane's still there when she gets out of the shower and Amy has to admit she's a little surprised.

But only a little because whatever else this is, whatever else Karma faking it and her sorta faking it is (besides offensive and wrong and horrible and just… icky), it's also gossip. It's news, it's a stunner, it's the biggest thing like ever and there's no way Shane's just walking away from that.

Especially when it's kinda his fault.

Amy tosses her towel into the hamper and pulls on the hem of her sweatshirt, tugging it down over her knees as she settles into her desk chair. Shane's still on the bed (she's not sure he's moved) but Lauren is over by the door, leaning against it and Amy's not sure if that's to keep Shane there or her.

"You," he says, "have my attention."

"I don't want your attention," Amy says, the words tumbling out before she can think about them and even though she knows it's the truth, she also knows it's probably not the best tactic to take with a guy who now holds your life (at least the high school portion of it) in his hands.

But she's like three-quarters of the way from not giving a fuck to actively trying to ruin her own life so she goes with it.

"Amy -" Lauren's trying to warn her but Amy waves her off and, surprisingly, she shuts up and since that will probably never work again, Amy takes a moment to revel in the small victory.

"I'm not trying to be a bitch, Shane," she says. "But I don't want your attention. I never did. I never wanted any of this."

Shane eyes her from the bed with an inscrutable look on his face (who says SAT vocab lessons don't pay off?). Amy gets it, she really does, she gets why the doubting Thomas act. Shane, like Lauren, has a hard time believing anyone would not want everything that's just been handed to Amy of late. Popularity. Power. Notoriety and attention and celebration and more than a few people's desires and lusts and even if those people aren't her type (like she's got any idea what that is anymore), it's still a heady feeling. The kind of feeling Shane lives for.

And so, apparently, does Karma.

But Amy isn't Karma and she's sure as hell not Shane and, if anything, she's probably closest to Lauren and even thinking that is so fucking odd it's almost too much.

"I was happy, Shane," she says. "I was perfectly content in my little world...in our little world and then you had to come along and now…" Amy shakes her head in frustration and aggravation and probably a few more '-tion' words she can't think of right now (needs more vocab lessons, clearly.) "Now there's a Karma and Liam world and a Karmy world and a 'I might be gay or maybe I'm just gay for Karma' world and a very large 'this big ass lie is gonna blow up in our faces but I'm the only one who seems to give a shit because the other liar is too busy using that lie to get into your best friend's pants."

She pulls the sweatshirt tighter over her knees and runs her fingers through her still wet hair and if there's a moment in there, in her big speech, when she wishes she could change things, that she could find a way back to the world where none of this was happening and she wasn't realizing anything and she had never so much as thought about kissing Karma?

Well… it's a tinier moment than she would have thought. But it's still there.

"And," she says, "I know what we… what she… what we did is… wrong -"

If she didn't have Shane's attention before, she does now. "Wrong?" Lauren tenses against the door but Amy doesn't flinch. She knew this was coming and she knows, on so many levels, she deserves it. "Wrong?" Shane asks again, rising up to his knees on the bed. "You pretended to be gay to be popular. You lied to me… to everyone. You told us you were gay."

"Technically," Lauren chimes in, "you said that. I'm pretty sure Amy denied it. More than once, actually."

Shane wheels on her and glares at her for just a moment but then he's right back on Amy because Lauren has a point and all Amy has is a big fat fucking lie that's insulting to everything Shane is.

"There are people who wake up every single day, scared to death to come out," he snaps at her. "Actual gay men and women who have to live in fear of being shunned or beaten or just simply hated for who they are."

"I know," Amy says. She knew that even before the project and then she did the research and yeah, she knows.

"There are people on the spectrum," Shane says, "people who haven't identified yet or they can't identify and some of us even look down on them, like the way some straight people do."

Amy makes a conscious point of not looking at Lauren and not even thinking about her pills or her 'condition' or what Shane would say if he knew what those pills he spread shit about were really for. She knows Shane's right, better than he could ever imagine.

"And you took all that and you lied about it," he says. "You lied so you could be popular."

"I lied so Karma could be popular," Amy says, though she's not sure that distinction makes anything better in Shane's eyes (or even her own) at this point. "And, as things turns out," she says, "it wasn't so much a lie as it was a… I don't know… what's a word for 'I didn't know I wasn't lying when I started lying and oh, a funny thing happened on my way to being fake gay, it kinda turned out to be not so fake'?"

Shane shakes his head, like he's arguing with himself and he probably is and Amy understands that too.

"So you are gay, then?" he asks and Amy can hear the hope dripping off his words and she gets that too because it would make it… better… somehow. Or at least less horrible. It might not excuse all of it, but maybe some of it, at least enough of it so that maybe he can forgive her and go back to only hating on Karma which, they all know, would be so much easier for him.

"Yes," Amy says with a nod. "Or…" She doesn't want to lie to him, again, and in this very moment, saying she's all-the-way-gay would be a lie or at least an exaggeration of sorts and she knows that's not any better. "Maybe?" It's the best she can do and the most honest she can be.

"Maybe?" Shane asks, the hope fading just a little.

"I don't know," Amy says. "All I do know is that I kissed Karma and everything… changed. I changed. I never even thought… boys… girls.. it was never a thing for me."

"It was always just her," Shane says and there's a touch less anger in his voice and he and Lauren share a look and Amy wonders what, exactly, they talked about while she was in the shower and that's a conversation she and sister-to-be will be having later.

She nods again. "I don't know what I am," she says. "Except that I'm head over heels in love with a girl who is desperately trying to make your giant perv of a best friend fall in love with her, and I don't know if that makes me gay or bi or…"

"Karmasexual," Lauren says and Amy laughs at the absurdity and perfection of it, and even Shane cracks a smile.

"Yeah," Amy says. "That. I don't know. I just… I'm in love." She looks right at Shane, still sitting there on the bed. "And I'm tired. I'm so tired, Shane. I'm tired of hiding and I'm tired of not knowing and I'm tired of caring that I don't know and of hiding that I don't know, especially from the one person I shouldn't have to hide it from and I'm…"

She brings a hand to her mouth and shudders out a breath and refuses to meet his gaze now because she knows she's not supposed to be the one crying. She's the one who lied and maybe she didn't lie as much as Karma (even if she's actually lying more to Karma) and she's the faker and she's the one mocking everything that matters to Shane (and so many others) and she never meant to but what you mean to do doesn't matter.

Only what you do.

And what Shane does right then… well.. it shocks the hell out of her (and Lauren) and no matter where she ends up, no matter what LGBTQIA letter she ends up with (and she's not sure she can even take just one), this is what Amy will remember. Shane climbs off the bed and stands before her but she doesn't want to look at him because she's not sure she can take one more angry look but then his arms are open and her 'come here' wiggles his fingers at her and Amy practically dives off the chair into his embrace and he holds her tight as she sobs into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she says, over and over and over. Shane kisses the top of her head and runs his hands along her back and he doesn't say a thing and Lauren silently blinks back tears of her own (and Shane will so needle her about that later) and they stay like that, the three of them, for a long while. Until Amy's tears are done.

At least for now.