I just finished making dinner as he walked through the door. I was so grateful to have a place to stay now that my family had disappeared and assumed dead. All I wished for was to do everything perfect as not to be a burden. He didn't need to take me in, he was being selfless, a true Abnegation.
He smiled when he walked in the kitchen and saw everything was prepared. It warmed me to know I pleased him.
"If you want to sit down, I'll bring your plate to the table," I said humbly.
It was the third week I had been staying there and it seemed to be a perfect situation for the both of us. His son had transferred factions, leaving him alone and my family vanished, leaving me alone. After school I would go to the Factionless section of the city to care for and feed them, then come back and feed him. Each day he would go to work, as one of the city's leaders he had a lot of stress, and afterwards he won't have to do anything else because I already took care of it.
Once I brought our plates to the table, we sat down and prayed. This wasn't something that I did with my family, but if it made him happy I'd do it. Quietly, we started eating. After a few moments of silenced I spoke, "Did you have a nice day at work?"
"Not particularly," he said, his voice tensed. "We're having problems with Erudite."
I nodded as a response, suggesting he could continue if he wanted.
"They are manipulating everything to make us look bad. It's disgraceful to be so dishonest."
I raised my eyes to meet his; they were looking directly at me. Again, I nodded.
He continued to talk throughout the meal about the unfair accusations that were being told. He started to get very heated; I shrunk back just a little in my chair because the deranged look in his eyes scared me.
"Jeannine is a foolish woman who doesn't know her place," he said slamming his hand on the table. "A woman should not take on a role of leadership, she should be submissive and selfless. Don't you agree?"
I was shocked he asked me a direct question. "Well, in their faction isn't it about who holds the most knowledge not their gender?" The answer popped out of me before I even thought about what I said.
Fury ignited in his eyes. In one swift movement he knocked everything of the table. The plates shattered on the floor, the utensils clanked together and food sprayed on the wall. He stood up and walked over to me. He towered over my 14 almost 15 year old frame.
Before I knew it I was on the ground, my check stinging. He hit me. This is the first time I've ever been hit in my life, and it hurt. Tears glided down my face.
"You stupid little girl," he scolded as he moved his leg to kick me.
By the end of it, I could barely breathe. My body was bruised, my self-confidence eliminated.
"That was for your own good," he spat. "Now clean up this mess."
And I did.
I awoke with a name on my lips and tears in my eyes. "Marcus," I whispered. I thought I had escaped his abuse but now it just haunts my nightmares. But a nightmare wasn't the right word, these dreams weren't fiction, they were memories.
I looked at the clock. I had two hours until training started but there was no way that I would be able to fall back asleep without seeing his face. Quietly I got changed and left the room to get an extra workout in.
The compound as silent, it seemed that I was the only one awake. It made me feel calm; it reminded me of home, but the good times, not the chaos that I dreamt of. I walked into the training room and started to stretch out my limbs. His face was slowly fading from my mind.
I started with jumping jacks, push-ups, sit-ups, squats and lunges. I didn't know much about exercise but I figured something is better than nothing. After forty minutes, I felt better but still shaken from my memories. I started doing suicides. I increased my speed each time I touched the line, trying to continually beat my time from one side of the room to the next. I was so focused; my mind was blank of anything but my movements.
Finally, I stumbled over my feet and fell to the ground. Instead of getting up, I just rolled over on my back and laughed at myself. I literally ran myself into the ground before training even started for the day.
There was a hand near my face offering to help me up. I took it and saw it was Four.
"I woke the initiates us and saw you were missing," he said. "How long have you been here?"
"Uh, maybe about an hour and half," I said looking up at him. He towered over me but it wasn't threatening like Marcus or Eric. His tanned skin reminded me of the sun and it looked warm. Today, as usual, he had on a black shirt and pants, both fitted and highlighting his muscles. Looking at him my stomach did flips, not out of nerves but excitement. He was looking at me, at me, and I wasn't scared, I was looking back.
"Could you not sleep?" His questions were always direct. His language like himself was strong.
I shook my head in response.
"I hope it has nothing to do with your friend getting beat yesterday," He said and paused. "I saw Eric forcing you to watch."
His words just hung in the air. I didn't know how to respond, my nightmare wasn't about Eric or Al but it would be a lie to say it didn't have something to do with my dream. Every time Eric touched me, it felt like Marcus was touching me.
"There's nothing really I can do," Four continued when I didn't say anything. "But I can try to keep him busy during training. I don't know why he choose you to torment."
"Maybe he sees weakness in me," I said.
"Or maybe he sees beauty," Four whispered as the other initiates started trickling in. It made me catch my breath but he didn't notice because he walked away immediately. Did Four just call me beautiful? I glanced at him, his back was to me, and he couldn't see me making it was safe for me to smile. My body tingled with happiness. I know he didn't call me beautiful directly but it made me feel good, strong, and whole.
"Why are you so happy?" Asked Christina.
"What?" I said to her. "I'm no more happy than usual."
She eyed me, "Right, I don't believe you."
I didn't want to tell her about Four, because I knew it wasn't actually a big deal, he didn't really say anything, besides, he was our instructor. I had to get the topic of conversation off of me. I bumped her shoulder with mine and giggled. "Maybe I am happy because my two best friends are crushing on each other and it's adorable."
She went red but smiled, "What are you talking about?"
I bit my lip and looked at Will who was yawning across the room, "You know what I'm talking about."
We both quietly giggled.
There were no fights scheduled, instead, we were to do more work with guns. We practiced first on moving targets and then while we were on the move. It was a lot of fun and the whole group was doing well. Instead of an array of competing individuals, we were laughing and working as a group. Our spirits were higher than they have ever been since arriving to Dauntless; I think it was due to the fact that Eric was missing.
Four dismissed us for lunch. As I was walking out with Christina, Will and Al I looked at Four. He was cleaning a gun but looked up to see me staring. I smiled, a bit embarrassed to be caught looking but to my surprise, he smiled back causing my inner goddess to leap with joy.
The group's good mood ended after lunch when we were once again graced by Eric's presence. I stood close to my friends hoping to remain invisible. His words yesterday still rang in my ears, I don't like people touching things I want to touch. A shiver ran down my spin, he couldn't have actually meant that right? He didn't actually want to touch me, just scare me, I told myself.
After a quick demonstration on the proper technique of throwing knifes they unleashed us to practice on our targets. On one side of me was Will, the other Al; I looked at them gratefully because they didn't leave me alone.
Just like when we first started shooting, I got acquainted with the knives, felt their weight practiced the throwing motion. When I felt comfortable actually threw one. My first attempt didn't stick, just flopped on the ground. My arms were soar from holding a gun all day but I knew I had to work through it and put more strength in my throw. My throws were becoming more accurate but they weren't sticking. The noise of my falling knives caught Eric's attention.
"You're stance is wrong and you're letting go of the knife at the wrong time causing it to spin," he said.
I nodded and adjusted thinking he might just keep walking but then I felt hands on my hips. "Like this," he said in my ear. Will turned his head slightly to see what was going on. My eyes were wide and he looked like he wanted to say something but was smart enough not to. Eric then slid his hand up my hip, my side and my arm to my hand. It made me shiver and I was embarrassed not because I knew he felt it but because I thought his touch felt nice. It sped my heart and tightened my stomach. He adjusted my grip. "That feels better doesn't it?" he asked to my ear. I couldn't speak but just nodded.
He stood back giving me space to throw—it stuck. I tried another, and again and again my knives stuck dead center.
With my checks still flushed from the contact I looked over my shoulder to him. "Thanks," my voice cracked. He laughed and I had a dreadful feeling he knew the way his touch affected me.
Al looked furious and threw his knife at the target, just like the rest of his, it didn't stick.
"What was that initiate?" Eric spat.
"It slipped." Al said.
"It slipped?" Eric repeated. "Well go get it then."
"Now, while they are throwing?" asked a shocked Al.
"Yeah, while they are throwing," challenged Eric. "What are you scared?"
"Of getting his with an airborne knife? Yes," responded Al.
"Four come help me out," Eric shouted across the room. "Everyone stop what they are doing." He put his hand on Al's chest and pushed him back to the target. Al was taller than Eric but Eric was definitely stronger.
"You are going to stand here while Four throw's knives at you. If you flinch, you're out." Said Eric.
All good feelings that once ran through my skin were gone. I hated Eric again. Why would he help me but punish Al? What kind of instructor was he?
Four lined up in front of the target, flipping a knife casually, he obviously was excellent at handling a knife but Al still looked terrified. I was afraid he'd flinch, no in fact, I knew he would. Before thinking I heard my voice, "Stop."
Four turned to me and if his eyes could throw daggers I'd be dead.
"What was that Stiff?" spat Eric.
"You making him do this doesn't prove anything, just that you're bullying him." My voice was strong but I didn't feel strong.
"Then you should be able to switch places with him and if you flinch, you're both out."
I walked up to Al and touched his arm. "It's okay," I whispered and swapped places with him.
My head wasn't tall enough to even hit the center of the target. I stood forward looking directly at Four's eyes. He wasn't going to hurt me, I said to myself. He wasn't going to make a mistake, he was too good. I trusted him.
He let go of the first knife. I watched it soar right at me but I kept myself planted. It landed half an inch from my right hip. I took a deep breath and waited for the next one. It landed just above my head. Only two more to go, I told myself. The next one was to the left of my head, if I had shifted just the smallest fraction to the left, it would have hit me. Before I had time to process that, he threw the last one, it scratched the left side of my neck. I was bleeding but alive and still in Dauntless.
"Dismissed," said Eric as he was walking out of the room.
I stepped away from the target and put my hand to my neck. Al tried to walk towards me but Four stopped him and told them all to leave. Once it was just Four and I in the room he walked up to me, gently put one hand on the back of my head and used the other to move the hand that covered my wound.
He was inches away from my face. I could smell his soap, it was intoxicating. I could see every vein in his neck; it made my stomach tighten. I internally scolded myself. Why was I feeling this way, he just cut me.
"It's just a scratch, the bleedings already stopped," he said interrupting my internal battle. His eyes went from my neck to my eyes. We were still only inches away, I couldn't move back because his hands were still holding me in place. "Why did you do that? I can't protect you from him if you talk back to him." His voice was soft but angry.
"Because, in Dauntless we believe in small acts of bravery," I said quietly.
And he smiled.
