There was barely any air between Four and I. His rough hands were still tenderly touching my hand and neck. My eyes drifted to his lips, and then quickly back to his eyes. Why? I asked myself, why did I have such little control? There was no way he missed me gazing at his soft, kissable lips. Humiliation started to seep into my soul. He was my instructor, there is no way he felt anything for my small worthless self. I've heard my worth dismantled enough times to know what I have to offer to the world and it didn't seem like much.
I tore my gaze from his face, looking anywhere but at him. The longer I felt his wonderfully strong hands on me, the more confused I felt. The more I was lost in my head, the more I thought about the ridiculousness of me ever thinking he may like me, and the more heated my face felt. Then he released me, and took a few steps back. I felt rejected, but that was silly, there had been no exchange.
"Anna," He started to say in a stern voice.
I had to get out of that room. I had to leave before the tears of frustration fell. How did I move from feeling infinitely strong for standing up for a friend to hopeless so fast?
Without listening to what he was going to say next, I picked up my feet and almost ran out of the room. I soon found myself huddled in a ball, down a corridor of Dauntless I never seen and tears wetting my face. I hated this. Was I always going to fall to pieces because of men? Did a man that was supposed to protect me after I found my family gone ruin me forever? Were the beatings, the words and the other stuff going to live on with me forever? I thought I was going to be free in Dauntless.
After about an hour of self-pity I reminded myself of Christina, Will and Al. My life, however filled with darkness has a few rays of sunshine. My friends, they can add lightness to my heart, almost allowing me to forget the abandonment and abuse of my past.
I found my way to the pit and found my home, my friends.
I quietly sat down next to Christina. We were sitting in a corner of the pit unnoticed by the Dauntless members that were fighting, laughing, drinking and playing music. I could hear the water rushing through the chasm. Everything around me was moving, continuous and loud. I knew I was in the right place; here I couldn't be frozen with fear but always had to be moving, progressing.
I went to bed, knowing I made the right choice to transfer here but still feeling broken. It's the only way I could describe it. I belonged at Dauntless but I didn't fit in. I was attracted to my instructor but the feelings weren't reciprocated. A Dauntless leader had his vicious eye on me, something that should worry me but honestly, part of me like it, a part of me that I absolutely hated.
I fell asleep conflicted with self-doubt and another nightmare, or memory, overcame my consciousness.
I was walking back to from the Factionless sector with Robert, a neighbor. We chatted quietly and walked slowly. It had been a very nice day; we had helped some children get cleaned up and fed. When we were outside Marcus's home Robert grabbed my hand, only for a moment but it filled my soul with warmth. We smiled at each other and I turned away from him to go inside.
Standing at the door, staring at us was Marcus with a truly evil look on his face. I hesitated to keep walking forward but I knew running would only make the situation worse. I walked with my eyes to the ground. He slammed the door and locked it.
"You stupid girl." He spat at me. "What do you think you were doing? How could you let him touch you? I didn't realize fifteen was now old enough to want things like that."
My back was to him but I knew what he was doing, I could here the metal of his belt being unhinged. With a cracking sound I felt the belt lash my back. I cried out in pain and tried to run into the kitchen like a fool. He grabbed my wrist and threw me into the corner of the room. I was huddled up in a ball crying about the humiliation and pain.
After a few lashes he spoke, "Take your dress off."
It felt like there was no air in the room. I tried and tried again to breathe but my lungs weren't being relieved. Take my dress off? I turned my face from the wall to look at him. "W-what?" I asked.
"You heard me," he said whipping the belt against me again. The tip of the belt hit my face causing my check to bleed. "Now," he didn't yell, his voice was calm.
I did as he asked. I didn't know what to do. Even if I could get out of the house where would I go? I was entirely alone in the world.
I stood in front of him with only my underwear and bra on. I hid my face in the corner unable to meet his eye. He lifted the belt up again, again and again. Without clothing to protect my back, my skin was broken and bleeding.
There was a moment of silence, no more whipping, and no more angry words. I was shaking, too afraid to look back at him. In the silence I heard a faint noise…a zipper? My eyes opened wide. I glance back, and saw he was removing his pants. I made a run for it, I had to.
I didn't make it out of the house.
"You need to know your place," he said while pinning me down. "If you want people to touch you, it's going to be me. This will help you remember that, this is for your own good."
I could feel his hands on my skin. I could see a mixture of anger and desire in his eyes. I started screaming and fighting, it didn't make a difference but I never stopped fighting him.
In the midst of might nightmare I was woken be Four and Eric.
"Initiates, get ready," shouted Eric. "Be at the train track in ten minutes."
I was happy that my most terrifying nightmare was interrupted but embarrassed when I saw Four staring at the tears that were running down my face. I wiped away my tears with haste, grabbed my clothes and dashed for the restroom. Five minutes later Christina, Will, Al and I were all at the train tracks.
"Tonight, you get to experience one of Dauntless' favorite events, capture the flag," Four told the group. "We will split up into two teams. Each time has a flag they must protect. Whichever team gets the opposing team's flag first, wins. It's easy enough." He and Eric started to hand out guns. "When his with one of these guns, your body will feel like it was shot but no actually injury will exist."
Once the guns were handed out, I realized that the group was larger than normal. It wasn't just the transfers here but the Dauntless born initiates as well. I looked at them, they all looked so carefree. I can't image growing up in Dauntless was easy but you were probably allowed to fight every problem you had.
The train started to approach. "Let's go," Eric said grinning.
The group ran as one along side the train. I jumped into the train a bit awkwardly and tumbled into someone, a Dauntless born boy with dark skin, short hair and warm eyes.
"Oh, whoa," he said. "Easy does it." He laughed while putting his hands on my shoulders to steady me. I flushed with embarrassment.
"Thanks you," I said as I tried to walk to the opposite side of the cart. I looked back; the boy I ran into was following me.
"I'm Uriah," He said.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Anna," I said back.
"So polite, are you sure you're still not a stiff?" He asked jokingly.
"How did you know where I transferred from?" I asked accusingly.
"You're the first jumper," He said. "It's hard to forget the first jumper."
His smile was contagious. My spirits started to raise a fraction because of it.
A hand landed on my shoulder and a booming voice next to me interrupted my conversation with Uriah. "Four and I will be captains," Eric said. He smiled down at me, "Are you ready to have some fun, Stiff?"
Before I could answer, Four spoke sounding bored, "You can pick first."
"Okay then," Eric said raising his eyebrows, "Edward."
"I'll take the Stiff," responded Four.
Eric's hand tightened on my shoulder making me wince. After a very awkward moment he pushed me forward to Four's side. Five minutes later the teams were divided. All of my friends, even my new one Uriah, were on Four's team besides Al. He gave us a morose look as we jumped off the train.
Listening and working together are not common Dauntless traits. The noise the group was creating was enough to make us to be found before we even were able to hide the flag. I realized quickly that we could end up arguing all night and decided to take action. I looked around and saw the Ferris Wheel, perfect. It would give me more than enough height for a new perspective.
Quietly, I left the group to their arguments and started for the Ferris Wheel. Just as I started climbing I heard a voice behind me, "You aren't going to jump are you?"
I turned and looked down at Four. "No," I said rolling my eyes. "I just want to get higher in hopes of seeing where the other team is."
"Good idea," he said with a nod. "I'll come with you."
"You don't have to," I said I climbed but I secretly hoped he follow.
Within moments he was right below me, he moved so quick. We were quiet most of the climb, just listening to the movements of our feet on the metal ladder and whistling breeze through the trees. Once we got as high as the ladder went, I grabbed a hold of the rails that connected the spokes of the Wheel to pull myself higher.
"This is high enough," Four said.
"No," I responded quickly and breathlessly. "Just a little further."
I could hear him grunt in disapproval making me look over my shoulder at him. His forehead was wrinkled and his chest was rising and falling quickly. Was he afraid?
"Are you afraid of heights?" the question popped out.
"We're all afraid of something," he said.
I stopped climbing once I could see around all the trees. Each of my legs were resting on different poles, I glanced down and started laughing because we were so high up. I stretched my arm down and guided Four up- not that he really needed help. He stood directly behind me, each of his legs on the same rods as mine. Each time he breathed in I could feel his chest on my back.
The city was beautiful from above. We took a moment to admire it. And then I saw it, a bright green flag hanging in a tree. I tilted my head up to see Four and pointed. He grinned and nodded that he too saw it. Quickly we climbed down. Four, being faster than me was on the ground while I was still at least ten feet up the ladder. Filled with excitement I tried to hurry more which caused me to loose my footing and fall. I didn't scream because it happened so fast and before I had time to think about hitting the ground, I was in his arms. He caught me.
"Thank you," I said as I exhaled loudly.
"Of course Anna," Four whispered softly. " I wouldn't let you get hurt."
I was staring up into his eyes and he was looking back at mine. My heart swelled again. I didn't care if he didn't like, I was enjoying this. His arms firmly held me but when we heard a rustling the bushed he dropped me on my feet and took a step back. It was just the wind but it reminded us we had a mission to complete.
We found the group again and made a plan of attack. I was in the group designated to retrieve the flag. It took us about ten minutes to get close to the other group, from there we split up. I went around the far side with my small group where we wouldn't be detected. I could see the glow of the flag about forty feet ahead of us. I just wanted to sprint for it but I restrained myself.
We heard the war cries of our team as the attached Eric's team head on. From afar I saw members of Eric's team leave their posts around the flag. I looked at Christina; we both smiled and ran for the flag. Winning the game distracted me from the nightmare I had earlier. With Christina and I holding the flag above our heads, I laughed feeling infinite and free.
