Our high from winning capture the flag didn't last long because the next day was our last fights. As I had only won one fight, my stomach was squirming and my hands shaking. We stood anxiously waiting for the instructors to enter the training room. I looked at all the faces of the other initiates, I didn't like many of them, but it was unfathomable that in just one day some of us would be Factionless.
Four and Eric walk in, Eric looking smug and Four furious. How ironic, one would think Eric would be moody for loosing at the game just the night before. My squirmy stomach dropped, Eric must be up to something devious to look so pleased.
"First fight," said Eric almost singing, "Ana and Peter."
Peter may have been only the second best fighter in the class, he definitely fought the dirtiest and was the most cut throat. I tired to keep my hands still as I walked up to the ring. I beat Drew, I told myself. I found the flag. I made the plan. I stood tall and brave while knives were being thrown at me. I've jump on and off trains. I was the best shot in class. I did fair at throwing knives. I've made friends. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
Just as I pumped myself up for the fight Peter's voice sounded, "Don't worry little girl, it'll be over quick." We started circling each other waiting for the first move. I was looking for any weakness he may have, but he seemed more content on verbally abusing me to. "I don't know who you think you are, Stiff. You walk around here like it's your home but you still sing to the Factionless. You talk back. You're weak. You need to learn your place."
I couldn't wait any longer I attacked, I faked a punch which he fell for allowing me kick his legs out from under him. Before he could get off his back I straddled him and hit him square in the jaw. Unfortunately, my hit wasn't very strong because it barely fazed him. He grabbed me and threw me off him. I took no time to get up.
"You need to learn your place," he repeated. "This will help you remember how insignificant you are. This is for your own good."
His last words enlisted fear in my soul. My arms that were up protecting my torso and face fell. I took a step back. My eyes glistened with surprise, how could he, how could he know? Was it just a coincidence? Those were Marcus's words and they shut me down.
I don't remember the rest of the fight because I woke up in the infirmary six hours later with tears in my eyes. I lost. I lost two out of my three fights. Was I going to be Factionless? Was I going to be abandoned and alone once more? I walked out of the infirmary and straight into Four.
"Oh my," I said. "I am sorry."
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Sure," I said not looking at his face. I was humiliated that Peter's words affected me as significantly as they did. Not that anyone knew it, but the moment I heard "this is for your own good", all I could see, all I could feel, was Marcus. I was afraid. I was a child. I had no motivation to fight back because it reminded me of every touch and word I ever heard from him.
"What happened during the fight, Ana?" Four's voice was soft.
"Something he said reminded me of," I said, my voice trailing off and my eyes avoiding him at all cost.
"Of?" he asked.
I started to walk away; I didn't want to talk about this stuff. I didn't want to look into his face knowing the truth would bubble out of my lips.
"Ana, wait," he said as he grabbed my arm. His touch kept my still with its gentle and calming warmth.
"It reminded me of my biggest fears," I said.
Lost in my own head I went to sleep that night unsure if my skills with a knife and gun were enough to keep me here. I was lost in a sea of memories and fears. I knew this uneasiness could only lead my unconscious thoughts to terror. In midst of a nightmare involving Marcus, I heard a scream. At first I thought it was my own inside my dream but it didn't stop when I opened my eyes.
It was dark, making it difficult to understand what was going on but I could hear the commotion and fear. I didn't get out of bed, frozen with uncertainty. I pushed myself to the far corner of the bed, protecting myself with the sheet. Finally, someone made it to the light. Edward, the initiate who showed the most potential let down his strong persona and was screaming. Someone had stabbed him the eye with a butter knife, it protruded ominously from his face.
"Get it out!" He shouted.
No one moved to his side for the shocking image took a minute to process. Once I realized that he was about to pull the knife out himself, I flew to his side. I put my knees on his arms to keep him from touching the knife and grabbed his face with my hands to keep him still.
"We can't take it out," I said, attempting to sound soothing but I had never seen anything like this before. "I think a doctor needs to do it. Just relax, try not to move. I don't want the knife to move around in your eye." I looked into his good eye, the one that didn't have a dinner utensil in it. I could see the fear emitting from his soul. "It'll be okay." I said softly. "It'll be okay." His muscles started to relax.
I probably only comforted him for a few moments but it felt like an eternity before Four was in the room. His eyes widened when seeing Edward.
"Edward," I said still looking at his good eye. "I'm going to get off you so Four can help. Try not to move too much, okay?"
"Thank you, Ana," his voice was barely audible.
"You are going to be okay," I said one more time before getting up. I didn't waste anytime. Before Four was able to get Edward off the ground I had a bucket of water and vinegar ready to clean the blood. As I scrubbed the ground, tears fell from my eyes. Al came up to me, put a hand on my back for a moment and picked up a sponge to help me.
We didn't need Four to wake us up today because we had spent the next couple of hours restlessly trying to forget what we saw. We walked to the training room to see our ranks silently. I held hands with Al and Christina. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want Al, Will or Christina to leave.
And we didn't, we made the cut.
We had the day off from training but none of us really felt like celebrating. A cold chill followed me all day and I had to keep reminding myself to be happy, I'm still Dauntless.
The following day we were starting stage two of training, it was supposed to test responses to our fears through a simulation. I assumed that meant I would see Marcus. The thought kept me up most of the night. Before anyone else was awake, I went to shower. I always was the first one awake and in the shower, part because of my nightmares waking me and another part because I didn't want anyone to see me in the shower. It might be Abnegation of me, but I didn't want any unwanted eyes on me.
I turned the shower on as hot as it could go. I wanted to wash the tension away from my muscles. I tried to tell myself that the simulation would be like dreams, I would wake up safe and who knew, maybe it wouldn't be there Marcus today. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't know someone was next to me until they turned the adjacent shower on. I jumped at the sound of the water and saw it was Peter.
His eyes scanned my naked body greedily. I tried to hide myself with my arms and turned away from him. I heard him take a quick breath. "Those aren't from training," he said in a soft voice, allowing his fingers to graze my back. I jumped even higher than when he turned the shower on. Loosing his gentle voice and returning to his cruel self, he challenged: "Did you're parents beat you like Marcus Eaton did his son?"
"No," I said. My face was red, not because of the scalding shower but because I was humiliated- he saw my body and my scars, those things were private. I turned the shower off, looked back at him seeing him smirking, and then I ran out of the bathroom. Once dressed I sat waiting on my bed for Four's wake up call.
"Up, five minutes," he shouted.
I followed Four out the door, not wanting to see Peter's face any longer. As we walked down the hall I wrapped myself in my arms, anxiously bit my lip and avoided Four's quizzical stare.
"Are you nervous for today?" he broke the silence.
"Yes and no," I said. "I think I already know what I am going to see."
"In the second stage you only see one fear in each stimulation. Today you could experience any of them," he stated.
"I know," I said. "I just feel like I've experienced a lot of my fears already in life." I paused thinking about my experiences, how I never overcame them and how they still dictate my life. Even this morning in the showers, I shouldn't have felt ashamed of my scars, I didn't ask to be beaten. I wondered how to change my thoughts for a healthier mindset. Maybe I would be able to stand up to Marcus in the simulations, maybe it will actually help me. "What are we supposed to do in the simulations?" I asked looking up at him for the first time today. "Are we supposed to fight our fears or calm down or just experience it in full?"
"Well, you want to either calm down to no longer feel the fear or use your surroundings to overcome the fear. For example, if you are drowning, you could either relax or swim deeper."
I nodded at him, "Thanks." I enjoyed out little one-on-one chats in the morning. I know that sounded pathetic because we don't really talk about anything but I feel safe with Four.
As the initiates started to trickle in, Four and I talk quietly about Edward getting stabbed and how I helped him.
"You can handle a crisis well," He said.
"I'm not sure if I acted very Dauntless," I responded. "I comforted him, I was gentle, and for what? He left us to be Factionless."
"You were the only one brave enough to go near him, that is Dauntless," Four reminded me.
I nodded at him. I looked around to realize that everyone was here, transfers and Dauntless born initiates. Four stopped our conversation to start training. I gave him an awkward wave and stood next to Christina who raised her eyebrows suggestively. I responded by rolling my eyes.
One by one everyone entered a small room at the end of the hall. We could hear the other initiate's cries and screams while they were under the simulation. It was dreadful. About halfway through Uriah, a Dauntless born that was on my capture the flag team, came to sit by me.
"First jumper, don't look so worried, you're plenty brave," he said with a smile. Everything about Uriah screamed warmth- his smile, eyes, words, heart. We chatted trying to eliminate the tension of waiting. By the time my name was called there were only three of us left. I looked at Uriah as I got up. He quickly squeezed my hand for encouragement.
I walked into the room with Four. It was plain and small but was ominous for it was a place to meet one's fears. I sat in the chair as Four explained how the serum worked. I couldn't really hear him because my head was pounding. I focused just in time to hear, "I'll be able to see your simulation on the monitor."
"Wait," I choked out, "You can see into my mind?"
"Yes, we need to see how you react to your fears."
"Will you tell anyone what you see?" I asked.
"No, I won't tell anyone" he said. "But the leaders of dauntless will able to able to watch the recording if they wish."
I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the needle. Four brushed my hair away from my neck, it caught my breath. Did his fingers linger? I held back a smile as I drifted into my fear.
I was in Marcus's home tiding up the living room. I jumped at the sound of the front door slamming shut. With wide eyes I turned to see who came in. His large frame loomed over me. His breathing uneven. Hatred was steaming out his eyes directly at me.
I couldn't say anything; I thought my heart would explode.
"Is that anyway to greet your host?" He spat.
"I-I-I'm sorry, Marcus." I stuttered out. "Hello, can I get you some tea?"
"Tea? Tea? No, I don't want tea, I want respect." His voice started to get louder. "I will get respect even if I have to force it out of you. This is for your own good"
He was undoing his belt and before I had anytime to respond I felt it lash against my arm. I fell down on my hands and knees, exposing my back. Lash after lash I cried out. I lost track of time. I could barely breathe because my tears were overpowering me. I curled up into a ball, hands in my face listening to the crack of his belt. I don't know what triggered it but I realized, this wasn't real, this wasn't my life anymore, I was in a simulation.
I was able to breath and woke up. My hands were shaking and my face was wet with tears. I wondered if I had cried out loud earlier. I looked at Four, his jaw was slack, eyes wide, "You….I…I…" he couldn't make out a sentence. We stared into each other's eyes for a few moments and he said with conviction, "We need to talk."
I looked away. He said he wouldn't tell anyone what he saw but I guess we had to talk about it. I felt encased in darkness, my secret was out.
