Four asked me to meet him in the pit at 11:00p.m.- alone. I was morose the entire day, my friends assumed it was because of my simulation but I've grown accustomed to seeing that fear and how to hide it well. I was lifeless because now, I actually had to talk about it. At least, I hoped that's what he was going to talk to me about… I vaguely remember something about how the second stage of initiation was dangerous for people like me. But it couldn't be about that, I haven't even thought about it afraid someone would be able to see it in my eyes. No, this was definitely about Marcus.
The pit was vacant of initiates, everyone was exhausted from facing their fears, it was more strenuous than the physical stage one of training. I spotted Four in the corner, he nodded to me and started to walk away. I followed. Once we were far enough away from the pit he stopped and waited for me to catch up.
"Hi," my voice soft and eyes wary.
I feared what he was going to say but: "I have to show you something," was all he said before continuing to walk ahead, into a room in Dauntless I've never seen. Four started to type away at a computer, I waited in silence. He finished and looked up at me, "In stage three, you have to go through your fear landscape. The computer compiles your fears and has the simulation create a fear obstacle course. Tonight, I want to go through mine with you."
He picked up a two simulation injections and looked at me expectantly. I didn't know why he wanted to do this; he was going to make himself completely vulnerable to me. This was not what I was expecting. I was nervous but at the same time I trusted him completely. I nodded and sat down on the chair waiting for him to inject me like earlier today.
His fingers brushed against my neck, my pulse quickened by the touch. Once my hair was out of the way, his fingers didn't leave my neck, they were definitely lingering this time. I looked up at his face, he gave me a quick, almost embarrassed smile and stuck me with the needle.
I woke up on the edge of the highest building in the city. I looked over the edge, felt the wind on my skin and a tingling spread up from my feet to my face. The height made me nervous but also a little excited. To my right I saw Four, his breathing was heavy, his face stern, it seemed he was trying to focus on anything but the height. I reached out to him, grabbing his hand, it made him jump a little bit.
"You are okay, Four," I said to him. "This isn't real but even if it were, I'm here." I squeezed his hand.
He nodded at me, "To get out of this fear I have to either calm down or make it worse to face it."
"Then, lets jump together," I said confidently.
Holding hands we jumped and for a few seconds I felt free again, just like the day I picked Dauntless. It was an exquisite feeling, my spirit danced and I found myself laughing. Oh, to feel free and relaxed, when would I feel that again?
The feeling was gone too quick and I felt hollow without it. Four and I found ourselves in a room that was slowly getting smaller. I looked around at Four; his eyes were ablaze with fear.
"Afraid of being confined?" I asked him.
"One of my punishments as a child was being locked in a closet, ever since then I don't like being in small places." He wasn't looking at me but at the walls, floor and ceiling, clearly panicking.
I grabbed him, got him to the center of the room and forced him to sit down in a ball. I wrapped my body around his. We were crouching together, trying to become as small as possible while the room became a box.
His arms were wrapped around his legs and my arms were wrapped around him. My face was touching the side of his, my breath steadily hitting his face. Although we made the space smaller, the fear didn't leave us. I started to sing thinking it might calm him down like it did the Factionless.
It started quite young
Yeah, I learned how to, to,
To stay quiet, just stay quiet, always stay
We're cursed with disease
I have to be perfect
And you're not better than me, no.
Don't you ever get lonely?
Yeah, don't you ever get lonely?
'Cause it's no better for me
I still cannot breathe
My voice was softly singing into his ear and his breathing slowed. Before I finished the song we were out of the shrinking room and onto a large room with a young girl sitting in a chair.
"Who is she?" I asked.
"An innocent, but I have to kill her," he said looking at me. I realized he was holding a gun pointing at the young girl. "I can't do it if I look at her," he continued as he fired. I jumped.
The next fear brought us to the same room in my fear earlier that day. My breath quickened. I wasn't ready for this. Why were we here? I thought this was his fear landscape, not mine.
"W-why are we in my fear?" I asked, my voice audibly shaking.
"We aren't," he said looking at me. "We're in my childhood home."
I heard clunky footsteps coming down the stairs. I knew who it was. My heart started racing faster than before, I could feel my blood pulsing through my body, I looked up at Four and said, "Tobias."
Before he could respond to me, Marcus entered the room. "Tobias, this is for your own good." Marcus lifted his belt, preparing to whip Tobias. This man haunted my nightmares. This man stole my virtue. This man stripped me of my self-worth. This man, I decided was not going to hit his son, again. As the belt flew down, the trajectory for Tobias, I jumped in its path. Being lashed was a feeling I would never forget, it was seared in my memory, but having it done to me countless times before did not make it hurt any less.
Just as I reacted to protect Tobias, he reacted to protect me. After he hit his father, I woke up.
I was coming down from the frantic, shocking horror of the Four's last fear when my eyes met with his. We just stared at each other for a few minutes. His eyes were not of the fierce instructor but of an ally. I saw his biggest fears, it was so personal, terrifying but personal, that I felt connected to him. I looked into his eyes and felt his soul. I knew we were two in the same. We mirrored many of the buildings in the city- strong, standing tall and not to be forgotten but plagued with spots of crumbling decay.
"You were his son," I said. "You're Tobias."
"Yes," he responded to my obvious statement. "I need to know your story. How exactly did you know my father?"
I bit my lip and broke eye contact to look at the ground. I took a deep breath, ran my hands across my face and through my dark hair. He just exposed his past to an almost complete stranger, we may talk each morning but we didn't know each other. He was truly brave. I could be too.
"When I was fourteen I came home to find my parents gone. They were nowhere in the house, nowhere in Abnegation, we couldn't find them in the city; it was like they just vanished. I was alone, entirely alone. The leaders of Abnegation didn't know what to do with me, obviously they weren't going to make me Factionless, and they all have the biggest hearts, well, most of them at least. Marcus volunteered to take me in; he said he had a home and life that could be shared. He was alone and I was alone. For the first few weeks it seemed like a perfect arrangement. I was the perfect Abnegation child for him, always helping others, never talking out of turn, always having dinner ready when he came home, cleaning the house. Then he had a terrible time at work, I spoke out of turn, and you know his reaction." I paused my story. I looked at him, he staring intently at me. He didn't look at me with pity, but understanding. It was nice. He knew what it was like; he knew I could still be a strong person.
"The beatings started to become a regular routine during the week. I tried so hard to do everything right, to please him, but it never seemed to be enough. I started spending as much time possible helping the Factionless. I got to know them very well. It was nice to know that even though I couldn't help myself, I could help someone. About 7 months after I moved into Marcus's home, he saw a neighbor boy hold my hand." I took a deep breath, should I really tell him it all? I looked up at him; he pushed his eyebrows together confused on where the story was going to go. He nodded for me to continue.
"I'm not sure if I had ever seen him so mad. After a particularly brutal beating that left me bleeding, he… he…. Well, I believe his exact words were 'If you want people to touch you, it's going to be me. This will help you remember that, this is for your own good.' The beatings and rape continued until the choosing ceremony. The morning of the ceremony he told me after initiation at Abnegation that he was going to take me as his wife. He said that we were to be married and I would be his forever. I couldn't do it. I had to escape. I had to be free. So, I came here."
His eyes were no longer understanding but wide. I found myself in his arms, his grip was firm and he whispered, "He can't get you here and even if he could, I'm here." I smiled at his spin on my words from his fear landscape. And I knew, everything had changed.
