The next morning came quickly and will forever be in my memory. When I got up, I looked around and saw that, for once, I wasn't the first one awake. Al's bed was empty. I assumed he was in the cafeteria getting breakfast since he wasn't in the shower when I walked in. I quickly got ready thinking that I could meet up with him and start planning ways for him to overcome his fears tomorrow at our final test.
The fastest way to the cafeteria was by cutting a crossed the pit. I was almost skipping, excited to help Al. He was such a sweet-hearted guy. I knew he liked me but once we made it through initiation I would help him find someone who could really appreciate him. I mean, how many times did he make me fall over in laughter or protect me from unwanted attention? It would be easy to find him someone. The idea of seeing my friend a full member of Dauntless and happy made a smile erupt onto my face.
But all at once, everything stopped. I could feel no warmth in my skin. I wasn't even sure if my heart was beating.
In the pit I saw a group of men hoisting up a body out of the chasm. A body I easily recognized as my physically big and big-hearted friend. My legs started to shake uncontrollably; I fell to my knees and struggled to stand up. My ears were assaulted with silence; I could see people's lips move but there was no noise. I just saw him last night. I just touched him. In my memory, I could still feel his warm hand lightly touching my cheek. What is going on?
"Who is he?" I heard when I could finally hear again, over my anguished thoughts.
"Al" I croaked. "Al… Al… He's Al… or he was Al." I kept repeating his name, thinking it would make him turn his head and smile in my direction. He didn't. His body was wet, pale and void of life. He barely looked human. He was just a shell.
There was no soul left.
Christina and Will, I thought, I had to go tell them. I turned abruptly, filling my head with dizziness and unsteadying my feet. I ran back to the dorms, often loosing my footing and falling down. From the few times I caught myself on the walls my hands were bleeding. I don't know who I saw on the way there, I can't remember the faces of people I knocked into or even if I apologized.
I fell onto Christina's bed covered in bruises and blood. She jumped up with fright. The words of what I saw spilled out of my mouth too fast for me to take breaths. Her and Will's faces were in shock. They went to the pit to see for themselves. I had absolutely no desire to follow them. I was exhausted but too restless to stay in the dorms. When they turned left out of the room, to go to the pit, I turned right to wander and tried to get Al's lifeless form out of my mind.
Hours later I found myself at the net where we landed the first day of our initiation. Our innocence at that time astounded me, we were scared and excited but had no idea of what would happen to us. We knew nothing of the world and I realized we still didn't. Why would Al do something so drastic? Why were people killing divergent? Why was a war brewing? What is the purpose of this segregated life we are forced into? Does everyone live in fear?
I struggled but climbed my way into the center of the net. I laid on my back and looked up out of the darkness and into the blue sky ahead. It was comforting to only be able to see the small gap of sky because there was no buildings, cars or people to remind me of the city. There was no decay in the sky, it was pure and whole. The sun warmed my skin and slowly felt like it might be breaking through my skin, slowly thawing my soul. Lost in a maze of thoughts, time escaped me.
As the light started to turn red in the sky I felt the net move. In a panic I sat up, it was Four. He pulled the net down as he did the first day I entered Dauntless, causing me to tumble slowly out of the net and into his arms.
"I've been looking for you all day," he said. "The men who pulled your friend's body out of the chasm described a hysterical, small, curvy and beautiful girl and the one identified him. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?"
He hadn't taken me out of his arms; they still held my frame up and close to him. His eyes bore into me, like I often found them, looking concerned. I could smell his skin, lemongrass, it wasn't a bold smell of cologne but subtle of his soap. It made me want to bury my face in his neck to capture more of the scent.
"I am much better than this morning but I can't stop seeing his immobile, soulless, dead body when I close my eyes," I said to him.
He pulled me close to his chest and held me there. I had a feeling that this was against Dauntless rules; a trainer embracing an initiate is such a comforting way. It made me savor the moment even more. I didn't wrap my arms around him but I did grab onto his shirt, pulling myself closer to him, if possible. It was a warm, glorious two minutes.
"Come with me," he said slowly loosening his grip. "We need to talk about a few things."
I worried about what he wanted to talk about but I followed knowing no harm would come to me while with Four. We turned down a hallway I never been to before and up stairs I never knew existed. Once we were on the highest floor he took me halfway down the hallway, unlocked a door and walked in, motioning me to follow him.
I walked into a loft style apartment; the only door in the flat I assumed was the bathroom. There was a kitchen on one end, a table and couch in the middle and a bed at the far end. The couch faced an expansive window that lined the entire side of the wall. There were no decorations but there was no mistaking this was Four's apartment, it felt like him. I swallowed, being a little nervous in the privacy of his place but a little excited too.
I looked over to him, he stood awkwardly, his arms crossed and bouncing on his feet- heel to toe and back again. He was a little nervous about me being here too. And for the first time since this morning I smiled.
I walked over to the window and looked out. The sun was causing dramatic shadows around the city. It was beautiful to see the last ray of sun struggle to stretch around the buildings and through the decayed holes of some of the older skyscrapers. The sky was a warm red; it reminded me of blood but then of a warmer thought, of love. I loved Al as a friend, as one of my best friends, it didn't matter that I didn't know him for a long time, my feelings were true.
"You have a beautiful view," I said with a soft voice. It took great effort to turn to look at him. He was sitting on the couch. There were three spots on the couch, he was to the far left, and I didn't want to awkwardly sit in the middle so I took the other far spot. I pulled my legs up on the cushion, and crossed them so I was facing him. His arm laid on the back of the couch, it was long enough to almost touch me. He looked so causal, so relaxed, and so irresistible. I cleared my throat and my mind, "So, what did we need to talk about?"
"Well, I know we talked about what you are and how there is a war coming. I thought I should update you," he said turning his body towards me so we were now both facing each other. I nodded while biting my lip waiting for him to continue. He took a breath that raised his chest high. "I've been digging and found that Erudite has created a serum that acts as a simulation on only your mind. This means, while the mind is manipulated by the serum, your body is physically responding to it. If the simulation controller told the person under its control to jump off a building, they would. They are going to use it to create an army."
He stopped because I inhaled audibly with shock. "They are going to control Dauntless without them knowing?" I was learning in, entranced by the story.
"Yes and no. The leaders know what is going to happen but not the people who are actually going to be the solders," He told me carefully.
My mind automatically went to the private embrace I shared with Eric. I was disgusted I let him touch me, that I thought it felt nice, that I wanted more… and that god damn moan. Eric was going to let his entire faction become mindless soldiers for Erudite? He's sick, I thought, he's the lowest of the scum and plague that infested the city.
I didn't realize I was on my feet pacing until I felt hands on my arms stilling me, "Ana, I'm not telling you this because I think you can fix it. I'm telling you because you being…what you are… the serum won't work."
My eyes widened as far as my lids would allow, "They'll kill me."
"Not if you pretend," he said quickly.
"Pretend?" I asked my voice laced with anger. "Pretend to be mindless and kill innocent people? Or just stand by when my friends become murders? How can I pretend to do that?"
My whole frame was shaking with anger, fright and confusion. He pulled me into him, "You have to pretend, to protect yourself." He squeezed me tighter. "I need you to pretend because I need you." His voice was soft, vulnerable. "You hear that, I need you. You can't die."
Why would he feel this way about me? Why would he want me? I couldn't understand it but I didn't question it out loud. I just wrapped my arms around him and enjoyed the moment. He was healthy for me. He made my heart race. He knew me. He was putting himself at danger keeping my secret.
My heart was dancing in my chest. I raised my head to look at his face. We were only inches apart. I subtly wet my lips and kissed him. Electricity raced through my body, it heated my cheeks till they redden. He responded softly by enthusiastically. He wasn't pushing for dominance. His tongue grazed my lower lip asking for admittance. I parted my lips and our tongues danced. My reached for his face while his traced my curves. Our breathing was excited and our touch desperate. Finally we broke apart, I was smiling and he chuckled. It was my first fully consensual kiss and I was in total bliss.
