I thought of Four while falling asleep, I dreamt of him, I woke with thoughts of him, he kept me going. I realized the amount of idealizing I was partaking in wasn't healthy for my mind because I was slowly becoming unaware of reality. Unfortunately my present reality was just a lot of waiting. Unaware of how much time passed, I would go in and out of sleep often and quickly. Nothing happened, no one visited me except to occasionally let me go to restroom. I hadn't had a meal since Eric's visit. It all confused me, why was I here? They have to be planning to do something with me, otherwise they wouldn't have killed me.
My stomach angrily shouted at me. I picked up the apple I saved from the one and only meal I've had here. I took a bite while trying to focus on my reality rather than my wishful thoughts of my new love. The apple was sweet reminding me of Eric, who last time I saw was incredibly sweet, nothing like I experienced before with him. It didn't add up, who was he really? Was he to be trusted? All I knew for sure is he was a slippery fellow.
What was happening on the outside? Were the factions safe? Were the factions still strong? I remember from faction history class, there was almost no conflict at all in our past, all we learned about were the leaders and innovations. But now, Erudite tired to start a war, eliminate an entire faction, disrupt the system in a false motivation of protecting it. Things could not be as they were before, could they?
My body itched for activity and my mind ached for information. When the door opened next, I was happy, happy to see a captor. When they escorted me to a room labeled Lab A, Divergent Studies, I was happy. My joints joyfully walked through the door. My eyes took in every little detail. There was a chair in the center of the room, it reminded me of my final test during initiation but all the people in the room were wearing blue and had hand held computers. As I was guided through the room, the researchers, at least that is what I assumed they were, looked at me with either calculating interest or fearful curiosity.
Now I am sickened to think of the relief I felt walking into that room. I am sickened that I thought anything would be better than the isolated waiting. I am sickened because I know, I was completely and utterly wrong.
After being strapped in the chair so I couldn't escape, I started feeling anxious.
"So, what exactly what are you going to do to me?" I asked searching the faces. No one even looked up at me. I tried to move my arms, my legs, anything but nothing budged. I scolded myself for being so complacent, wasn't I Dauntless?
Jeanine Mathews walked into the room and everyone's attention went to her.
"Why hello Anna, thank you for a peaceful surrender," as she was speaking to me, she picked up a hand held computer and started tapping away. "As you know, you were born with a disturbing mutation that endangers the city. While you are here with us, we will be testing different serums on you to learn as much about a divergent brain as possible. With the information we obtain, we hope that we can learn how to subdue the divergence. If we accomplish this, we will administer the serum to everyone in the city via the water system. This means your life and death will not be in vain. You may have been born wrong, but that doesn't mean you can't help the cause."
Before I could process anything she said, I had been injected with my first test.
I was sitting in my old room at Marcus' home. Staring down at my hands I saw there was a piece of loose skin at the base of one of my nails; I started to pick at it. The skin around it started to get pink but I couldn't stop. With a deep breath I peel the skin back, thinking it would have ripped out once it met the healthy skin but it didn't. A think strip of skin hung off my finger. Blood started to seep out, drip on the floor and showed no sign of stopping. Even with the irritating burn, I couldn't stop the nagging in my mind; I needed to get that skin off.
Just as I started to pull the strip of skin further I notified another dry skin on another nail. I started to pull on it. The same process happened over and over again until every finger on both hands were covered in blood, a sticky, sickening red liquid that wasn't slowing its flow.
My fingers killed. I heard the door slam. My heart stopped. Marcus, he will kill me when he sees all this blood. I started to rub my bleeding hands thinking I could clean them, but it was useless. I heard his footsteps booming up the stairs. My breathing started to become erratic, fear chocked me. He was outside my door, "Anna…." His voice called.
A scream froze in my throat as he walked in. I ran to the far side of the room, hiding my face in my bloody hands.
"Don't look at me," I screamed at him through shaking hands. "Leave me alone. Don't look at me. Don't look at me."
I looked up and he was a foot away from me. "Oh, bloody, just the way I like it," his voice made me puke. I couldn't stop screaming as he took another step closer to me. He grabbed me by my hair and threw me to the ground. Once he was on top of me, once I could feel his weight, smell his breathe and see his eyes, it hit me: this isn't real.
"This isn't real," I shouted. My breathing slowed. My pulse slowed. "I know this isn't real Jeannie, you are going to have to do better."
I woke up in the same room filled with scientists. The light felt like it was burning through my eyes straight to my brain. My body was shaking, out of fear or adrenaline I don't know. My throat was dry and my muscles weak.
"That was very interesting," Jennie said distantly. "Thank you, Anna. We will see you again tomorrow." She turned and left the room.
The same attendants what walked me to the lab, unstrapped me and walked me back to my little room. Apparently they were not afraid of me attacking or running away because they let me walk freely. And they were right not to be afraid because I was still shaking from my experience, my mind couldn't focus, that simulation effected me strong than any other.
"May I go to the rest room," I asked my four silent escorts. Their response was silent but they led me past my room, around a corned and opened the bathroom door for me.
Once there, I looked in the mirror, I didn't even look like myself. My only feature I recognized was my eyes but they too were different, sad. I washed my hands once. I washed my hands again. I kept seeing the blood covered hands of my simulation self. I washed my hands again, more vigorously than the other times. I kept feeling my fingers picking and peeling my skin away. I could feel it as I washed my hands, like it was happening again and again. It made my skin crawl and my stomach churn. The creepy tearing feeling wouldn't leave my mind, it sickened me and I threw up.
After washing my face and hands a few more times, I rejoined my escorts. I was teetering on the edge of insanity. How were they getting to me so fast? Was I really that weak? No, I told myself, this is a mental issue. I can over come it. I decided that they would not get the best of me, I was going to fight until I died.
As I was sitting in my room, staring at my hands having flash backs of the simulation I tried to consider ways to keep my mind sharp. I needed to start keeping my mind active, start going over facts I've learned, think out every detail of my memories, and make a plan of escape. I was so deep in thought that I hadn't notice Eric come in with another meal.
My green eyes met Eric's icy blue irises, they were truly beautiful, breath taking, actually. His face was so strong and defiant, giving him an aura of power and sexiness. He was a true mixture of Erudite and Dauntless: a true mixture of the intelligent calculating torturers that didn't think twice about trying to dismantle someone's mind and the terrifying, harsh enforcers that use protection to gain power. It was a deadly combination. But it was a combination, something this society wasn't supposed to have.
"So," I started, "what is your part in all of this?"
"Why ask when you know you aren't going to get an answer?" he responded sounding more like his usual self than last time.
"Did you see my simulation?" I asked him.
He nodded.
"And what did you think?"
"I think you are an interesting test subject because you have had so much trauma in your life already. You're mind has had to adapt to real life situations, and build barriers to keep out the bad. The evolution of your mind has made your mind incredibly strong," Eric said.
"It doesn't feel strong," I muttered frustrated.
I picked at my food because I knew I should eat but I wasn't hungry anymore. I looked back to Eric with tears of frustration in my eyes.
"What's going on in the world?" I asked.
"Anna," he said warily.
"Why can't you tell me, it's not like I can do anything from in here?"
A tear gracefully slides from my eye down my check. I know I should have been embarrassed to show weakness in front of one of my captures but I didn't care. There was silence between us. His blue eyes were easy to get lost in. I could feel my checks flush and a few more tears fall down. Why was I feeling this way about him? I looked away feeling like he could hear my thoughts.
His hand lifted to my face, I stilled completely as he wiped my tears away.
"Jeanine doesn't want you to know anything because she doesn't want it to affect your mental status and your results in the simulations," his voice was quiet.
"Why are you being so gentle, so nice?" I asked.
"Before it was all about claiming my dominance, that isn't fun when you can't fight back or be yourself," he said in a matter-of-fact tone.
"I could fight back?" I asked rolling my eyes.
"Could, just didn't want to," he said with a smug grin.
"If that's what you want to tell yourself," I responded while my mind flickered to Four for just a moment.
"You would have gotten bored of him," he said.
"What?" He took my off guard.
"You would have gotten bored of Four."
"He's loving, safe, strong and honest. He was perfect, is perfect for me," I responded fiercely.
"He's gentle and after a while it would bore you. You have a strong spirit not a soft one. You need to be challenged physically and intellectually, that is why you did so well in initiation. A simple love would never been enough for you," he said crossing his chiseled arms.
"Oh, you think you are so smart," I said like a child.
"I am smart," he retorted.
I worried he was right, that Four wouldn't have been enough for me. After a few moments of contemplation I realized, it doesn't matter, I'm here and I couldn't see anyway of escaping, yet.
Eric left the tray of food for me when he left. Our conversation left me confused but feeling better. My mind wasn't flashing back to the simulation, I didn't feel as broken and I actually felt a little hungry.
The next day when they came to get me, I was more alert but didn't fight them. I memorized the way to the room. I looked down every hallway we past to try to get a feel of the layout. I realized there were absolutely no windows, which worried me; there was no way to tell if I was above ground or below.
The people in the lab were the same as the day before. I didn't see Eric, so he must be watching my simulations from somewhere else, meaning, I had no idea exactly how many people were watching.
I sat in the chair without having to be told to. They started to strap me in as Jeannine came in.
"Hello, Anna. Today we are going to test a different kind of serum. I won't tell you exactly what because I'd like to see your true reaction," as she said this, there was a spark in her eye that scared me.
Moments after being injected my skin felt as though it was on fire. I was in the same room, I could see all the same people, but every inch of my skin was in pain. I thought they must have set me on fire but I couldn't see any flames. Perhaps it was a chemical slowly burning through my skin. I tried to break free of my restraints even though it was useless. My need to fight reminded me of the times Marcus raped me, where I knew fighting wouldn't stop it but I had to respect myself enough to try.
The pain was so excruciating that I couldn't hear, I could barely seen, and it was overwhelming. My lungs were sore eluding me to the fact that I must have been screaming. My mind was flying a mile a minute in every direction. Trying to reign in my thoughts I realized something, the pain wasn't real, it was in my mind. The moment this awareness hit, the pain stopped.
This went on for days, sometimes the serums would attack my fears, sometimes cause pain, sometimes cause paralysis, but always, I never knew what was coming. Eric sat and talked with me each and every day but I was still starting to break. I was feeling hopeless.
Then, on the sixth day, Eric brought me a pad of paper with my dinner. On this pad of paper I started to write my story and, I believe it saved my life. Eric helped me save my life and the complications continued.
