Heeey…. Any Modern- family- fan there? I´m asking because, I started a modern family- fic three weeks ago, and it hasn´t got one follower, one favorite- mark or one review. "Looking at you with puppy- eyes"
And as well, while deciding all the places that Zeb and Kathryn lived each year, I literally just, choose a state far away from the one before, open a map of the state and choose a city with a cool name, so if any of you lives in the city I choose…. Congrats.
I took the letters I had already read, and gave them to Blaine, who sat next to me.
"I want you to read them too, don´t ask me why… you read the first one, send it to Kurt, Kurt send it to Carole, Carole send it to Burt, then I can talk to you when you know what they say. Do it with all the letters." I took the letter from 2010, and fingered on it for a minute. This was the letter from the year that Maddie died. At last, when Kurt started reading the first letter, and Blaine started with the second, I unfolded the third letter and read.
31/12/10 Harvey, North Dakota
My dearest Alexandria
I cannot tell you, how devastated I´ve been since I got the phone- call about Madelyn´s death, and what your uncle did to you. They said your father had nothing to do with it, and was just as devastated as me, but don´t think I can´t see through his lies.
The day the police called, I remember it was Tuesday, I was at work, in an office. I don´t remember what happened, but I´ve been told by the colleagues that my cellphone suddenly rang, and while talking, I seemed to be crying harder and harder, and getting more and more upset. And when I´d hung up, I crawled down under the table and laid there the rest of the day, which was a couple of hours. I just laid there, bawling, and didn´t answer them any question, at last one of them lifted me up from there, and drove me home. The first thing I can remember after that phone- call, is being on the train towards Lima with Zebastian, going there to be on my beloved daughter´s funeral.
I know I can never make up for leaving you like that, but if it means something, I paid for Madelyn´s gravestone, because I knew that your father never would.
I visited you when we came to Lima, I left Zebastian at Ann´s and came to the hospital, I sat with you for over four hours, I held your hand, and talked to you. I tried my best to apologize, even though I knew, and still I know I´m never going to be able to apologize enough. Because I know, that I lost my daughter, but you… you lost your whole world.
I can´t write any more about that, because if I do, I´m going to have a melt- down, so I´m gonna write about the presents a little.
The first, I thought the cups were pretty, I thought you would too, usually, I don´t care about looking for the ones with "Alexandria.", there never are anyway, but somehow, I decided to look for it anyway, and I found the cup with your name, I hope you like the cup.
The Rubik's cube I don´t know why I bought for you, they were popular when I was young, they´re coming back. I never managed to solve one, maybe you will.
The charm for this year, is the only one I bought after the news about Madelyn, and it´s for her. She´s your little angel, but you´re always going to love her anyway.
And I´m always going to love you. Never ever doubt that.
Loads of love from mum
"Six to go." I sighed, and handed the letter to Blaine. Then I took the letter from 2011 and read.
31/12/11 Gadsden, Alabama
My dearest Alexandria
Another year have passed now, another year without my girls. Another year without my baby, that I´ll never see again, and one year without my Lexie, that I don´t know when I´ll see again.
I think you have spotted by now, that every time I write a letter, it´s got the same date, and different cities. December the thirty first is new year´s eve, the last day of the year. In that way, a whole year have passed since I wrote the last letter. Why do we move so much then? Because if we stayed at the place I told you we were in the year earlier, I´m afraid your father would come after us. That´s why every year in January, I and Zeb take our things- just the most important ones, like memories, and a few sets of clothes and such stuff, and leave without telling anyone where we´re going.
I´m sorry for putting all this on you- on my eleven- year old, but I need you to know that it´s not your fault, and let your father know that coming after us won´t have any results.
So, in a few days, I and Zeb are leaving Alabama, I´m not sure for were yet, but don´t come looking for us.
So, to the explanations for the presents for this year, for your birthday, I bought stress balls, if you feel stressed out, you squeeze them, they´re supposed to make you feel less stressed. They´re filled with something that feels and looks like flour, so whatever you do, don´t break them, Zebastian accidently did once, and we had that white powder everywhere.
For Christmas I bought you stationery paper, I did that because I remember that the last year before I left you, you used to correspond through letters with a girl from Arkansas, and the paper you bought and used never had lines to write on, and it made you crazy, so if you ever correspond again, then use this paper, it´s pretty, and it´s got lines to write on.
The last present- the charm for this year, it´s a turtle, and there really is no explanation for that, I just thought it was really cute.
Take care of yourself.
Loads of love from mum
I took another deep, shaky breath, stroke my bangs out of my eyes, and gave the earlier letter to Blaine. Burt was reading the first letter, Carole the second, Kurt the third, and Blaine now started on the fourth. I reached for the fifth letter.
31/12/12 Douglas, Wyoming
My dearest Alexandria
This is the last letter I send to you before you become a teenager, the last letter I´m sending to my little girl, before you´re no longer mu little girl. Still my girl, but almost an adult, can no longer be called my little girl. It feels hard, it feels hard that my little girl is growing up. It feels even harder, that she´s been growing up without me, that I- with my selfishness am missing, already have missed big parts of your childhood.
I wanted to come back, I want to come back, but it gets harder and harder for every second. And I now have a bag full of presents, a folder full of letters that I never sent. And I don´t know what´s keeping me from sending them, my own fear, or the fact that your father would probably take them all from you, not because he wanted them himself, but because he would do anything for you not to have them. That brings me back to that I left you with him, left you with the most evil men I´ve ever met. I still know what I can do about it, but I don´t know how, I don´t know when. Your father would never let me take you away from him now, again, not because he wants you himself, but because he doesn´t want you to have a good life.
All the presents from earlier years lays in a bag in my wardrobe, the Shaun, the springy, the Rubik´s cube. And the other presents, I guess there is where the presents from this year are going to end up as well. The presents from this year have got to do with the dream that I remember you and Madelyn used to talk about. Swim with dolphins… that brings me to Zebastian´s part of the dream- swim with sharks. But anyway, I bought you a beset with a 3D print of dolphins jumping with the night sky in the background. It is a beautiful picture, and I know you´ll think so too, and I hope you´ll dream sweet dreams sleeping with dolphins.
The pencil case have got dolphins on it, in bright colors, I hope it makes you happy just to look at it, also the charm is a dolphin, and all of this, because I know you love dolphins.
Take care of yourself, and I´ll come back for you someday.
Loads of love from mum.
I sighed, and handed also the fifth letter to Blaine, the first letter now laid on the table, as the first letter that everyone had read.
"You okay?" Blaine asked, and patted my shoulder. "You know we can take a break if you need." I nodded, then shook my head.
"No, I´m fine, we´ll continue." I said. "I´ve read more than half of the letters now so, might as well finish what I started."
31/12/13 Dillon, south Carolina
My dearest Alexandria
I was in Lima a couple of months ago, I watched you leave your home and go to school, I watched you leave school, I looked as you took a walk afterwards, then I sat outside your father´s house and heard him screaming at you, I heard him making blows, I heard you scream. But I wasn´t brave enough to do anything, I didn´t have the guts to step in and keep him from hurting you. I just wasn´t strong enough to step forward, and take you with me. And I´m so sorry for not doing anything.
And at the same time as I´m angry and disappointed in myself, I can´t help to think about how much you have changed since I left, the first thought that hit me, when I saw you in the morning was. "Is that really my little girl, looking so grown up." I could barely believe it really was you, you had really changed so much since the last time I saw you.
But again, I don´t know how I could be so stupid I came back, now I feel worse than ever for what I did, and now I have yet another thing do feel miserable for.
I can´t stand writing about it to you, I´m making myself feel a lot more miserable, and I´m pretty sure it´s doing the same to you. I´m moving on to write about the presents, because I just can´t stand writing about anything emotional
The birthday present I bought you for your thirteenth was all the books in the Twilight- saga, I don´t know why I bought it earlier, when they were new, and everybody read them, but I´m giving them to you know, kind of because I want to show you how love can be, if it´s right. And I hope you like them.
For the bookshelf that looks like a book, there really isn´t a good explanation, but I thought it seemed cool, and Zebastian liked him, so I bought one that looks exactly like yours for him. For the book there isn´t really a good explanation either, except that I remember you liked reading- so why not?
I love you, never let anyone believe anything else.
Loads of love from mum
"She was there?" I whispered, mostly to myself. "She didn´t forget about me."
"Pardon?"
"You´ll see!" I handed Blaine the sixth letter, and as he began to read it, he looked more and more scowl, I reached for the seventh letter, unfolded it and read.
31/12/14 Alexandria, Louisiana
My dearest Alexandria
Did you see the name of the city we live in right now? That´s right we live in Alexandria, it was Zebastian´s idea, he said it would make him feel like he was closer to you. But I don´t know about me, it kind of makes me feel even more miserable. Every time someone asks me where I live, I answer the name of the area, it´s not always people know where it is. But it´s better than answer Alexandria, and totally break down in front of someone, like I did in the beginning. When we first moved here.
The birthday gift, I got you for this year, was a knitted cap with place for headphones in it. The winter´s coming, and I hope it will keep you warm, I can remember buying an Mp3- player for you before I left, so you should have music to listen to, and I know you always liked music. So I hope it works.
For Christmas I made you mittens myself, I know it sounds like a cliché, but they´re made with a soft, warming yarn, and loads of love from me to you. The last for this year, is a charm that looks like a sparkly snowflake. And it brought up a memory from the night that you were born.
It was very early in the morning, about two A.M. When I woke up, by the fact that my waters broke, your father was at Charlie´s bar, and there weren´t any taxis in our area, I didn´t have a phone so I couldn´t call anyone, and there were no buses at that time of the day. So my only option was to dress, and walk to the hospital. I thought it would be fun, it wasn´t very far away. But I didn´t have as much time as I thought. And there was yet another fact that kept me from reaching the hospital.
The real blizzards usually weren´t here until in January or February, but the weather had been bad for almost a week, it had been snowing and been really windy, and that night, it blew up to a blizzard.
I was walking slowly, one step at a time, in severe pain, until I at last couldn´t walk anymore, and I collapsed in a pile of snow.
Suddenly there was a woman standing over me, there were lights from her car shining on her, so first, I thought I was meeting an angel. She helped me to get up on my feet and I laid down in the backseat of her car. I can´t remember her name, but I think it was Carrie, or Carole, or Caroline or something like that. She was a nurse from the hospital, and because of that she was a nurse, she somehow understood, that she would have no time to wait for an ambulance, so I gave birth to you there and then. That´s pretty much the last thing I can remember before waking up at the hospital, two hours later.
You were born in the middle of a blizzard, taken care of by a nurse driving home from work, an angel. And if I ever had a chance to thank you, I would.
And as well, your full name is Alexandria Cara Snow Ralston. Cara after the nurse, and snow after the weather you were born in.
Loads of love from mum.
"Weird" I thought. "I wonder if… no, Carole probably didn´t work at the hospital back then." I gave the letter to Blaine, if the nurse really was Carole, she would probably remember it herself when the letter came to her, even though I was ninety nine percent sure it wouldn´t be Carole, I couldn´t stop thinking about it. What if it was? I sighed and decided to talk to Carole about it later, as I reached for the letter for 2015, almost done now.
31/12/15 Clay, Minnesota
My dearest Alexandria
I miss you more and more for each day, and it´s getting harder and harder thinking about you. Now when you´re fifteen, there´s so much things changing, and it´s harder than ever to think about the fact that you´ll no longer be my little girl.
When I turned fifteen, my mum gave me an advice, the same advice that her mum gave her, hopefully the same advice you´ll one day give to your daughter when she turns fifteen
This is the advice.
You´re flying through life, but sometimes when things get hard you´re wings are giving up. So when you can´t fly then run, with steady ground below your feet, when you can´t run then walk, and if you can´t stay on your feet then crawl, move however you want, just as long as you keep on moving forward.
It´s an important lesson to learn, that when you´ve got nothing, you just got to move on forward, until you reach what you need, it can be anything. Fame, family… but you got to move on forward.
The birthday present I gave to you is also the same present my mum gave to me when I turned fifteen, the same goes with the Christmas present. I got you a kit with different pieces of makeup and a toiletry bag to keep it all in. I don´t know if you´ve ever wore makeup earlier in your life, or if you´re willing to do it in the first time. Well when I got my first makeup, I didn´t think I´d ever wear it… then the eighties came, enough said.
For Christmas I bought you a handbag, to keep things in I guess, it´s a kind of nice kind, so maybe, if you want to wear dress sometime, for a party or something, you can wear that, and have a bag to have it all in.
The lipstick is another sign of not being a little girl anymore, little girls aren´t supposed to wear makeup, and especially not lipstick. Even though, the last years, it seems like children wears makeup before they´ve even turned five.
I love you, and I swear, before I have the time to write the letter for 2016, I´ve come back for you.
Loads of love from mum.
I sighed and handed the letter over to Blaine, I reached for the last letter, I had a feeling this would be the toughest one to read, I didn´t quite know why, it was just a feeling, which stayed as I unfolded the letter and read.
31/12/16 Lima, Ohio
My dearest Alexandria
I promised you I´d come back for you before I had the time to write this letter, and I thought I would. I and Zebastian started this year with moving to San Francisco, but a few months ago, it was getting too expensive to live there, it was Zebastian´s idea that we would move back here. We did, then I got a job and worked for two months. Then I and Zebastian saw you, it was outside your school, I think it was somewhere in October, and it was obvious, that you´d gotten somewhere to stay, somewhere better than with Brian, I don´t know who the man you were with were. Maybe you know who I´m talking about, handsome man with brown, curly hair.
Zebastian was the one having the idea that he should follow for a while, with the thought of how much he´s changed since you saw each other, he´d be the one that would be hardest for you to recognize, and he´d do it to try to find out more about you and your life right now. So we would know anything about it before we came back for you. I was meaning to come back and then take you with me, but then Zebastian came home one night, and told me that you were living with a couple somewhere, maybe in their late forties or fifties, and that you seemed to be happy with them. And if staying with them is what makes you happy, maybe I should let you go. No, not maybe, I really should let you go, because this isn´t about me, this is about you, and it´s time for me to make what´s best for you. Sometime soon, we´ll reveal ourselves to you, and then you can decide what you want to do. I´ll be fine with whatever you choose. But whatever you choose, I´m always going to be your mum, and I am always going to love you, just as much as if you were my own flesh and blood. And nothing could ever change that.
I saved all my money for three years to be able to buy you that computer, I guessed that you´d have your father´s old one, and that one was old fashioned already when he got it, ten years ago. I hope this one works fine.
For Christmas I´m giving you all of the letters from the last years, and also a Thomas- Sabo charm, that looks like the earth.
It´s my way of saying that wherever you are on the earth, and wherever I am, I´ll always love you, and I´ll always come back for you when you need me.
Loads of love to my big girl from mum
I sighed and handed the last letter to Blaine, then I pulled my feet up in the sofa, and waited for the others to finish the letters. When Burt had laid the last letter on the table, I put them all in the folder again.
"Lex…" I held up my hand to silent Kurt when he began.
"Can we talk about it tomorrow instead, I need to be on my own for a while." I took the folder and walked towards the stairs, but right before I stopped and turned towards Carole.
"Carole?" I began.
"Yes," she nodded. "The nurse that was there the night you were born was me." I smiled and nodded. But I couldn´t figure out what to say, so I turned around again and walked upstairs to my room.
Carole pov
"I can´t believe Kathryn would do something like that to her own children." I exclaimed after several minutes of silence.
"Which part do you mean?" Burt asked.
"Leaving them just like that. I know, she had her own problems, but when you´re a mother, it´s not about how and what you feel. It´s about the children." The others nodded.
Almost two hours after she had gone upstairs, Lex came downstairs again, she had changed into a pyjamas, but she didn´t say a word, as she walked to warm her Shan- doll in the microwave.
"I´ll just go check on her." I said when I and Burt went to bed later. Burt nodded, and walked into our bedroom. I sneaked into Lex´s room. Lex laid in her bad, she had pulled up her knees- almost to her chin and she was hugging- the now cold Shaun- tight to her chest. She had switched the covers to the ones with dolphins, but the cover laid behind her back, so I lifted it up and pulled it over her.
Before I went to go to my own room, I touched Lex´s forehead with my lips and whispered.
"I love you, and I swear I´d never leave you." Then I turned around and walked to my room, where Burt laid. When I laid down, Burt laid his arm around my shoulders, and soon I could hear him snore. But I couldn´t sleep, I listened to the sound of the wind and the snow falling outside, and remembered the night when Lex was born.
And I remembered it just as if it was yesterday.
That part about Carole being there when Lex was born popped up in my head while writing that letter. Do you think it was a good idea, or have I gone completely mad?
