Season in hell

Chp2 a walk and talk.

The firewood is finished. They hand me a pack. off into the woods we go. Walking thru the woods, I find the peace and quiet. I marvel at the tree and nature. The spider webs among the ferns and shrubs. Usually with the family its noisy with Mia and Elliot. Now the three of us, walk silence-lee thru the woods.

Day four in the woods: The light filters thru the trees, the mist of the rain hovers in the air. Green, so green. I lose myself in the awesome cathedral of nature. The climb in and out of the arroyos' and ridges. The sudden opening of sky and vista. I'm a one with the world. I am part of the world.

"Mr. Steele, what's your family like?"

"I have a daughter, she's 10. She lives with her mother in Las Vegas. We're divorced"

"why?

"she left me for another man"

"do you love her less now that she gone?"

"I'm not sure I loved her at all." Shit, how could you not love your daughter. Wait how could Ella not love me. How does a parent 's hate and throw away a kid, their kid?

"you don't love your daughter at all!"

"no, I love my daughter more; now that she gone. I'm not sure I every loved her mother" oh he was talking about the mother, not the child. I wonder if the drugs and pimp caused her to fail me. I failed her. I wasn't enough to want to live, to get clean. To love me.

"ok. But does she still love you?"

"Christian, I hope and pray she still loves me, and wants in my life."

"My birth mother was a crack whore, she died: I hate her and love her. I don't understand?"

"Christian, you love your mother. You hate the drugs and neglect she did. You feel quilt she died; she couldn't save you. You couldn't save her. The bottom line she couldn't save herself. She was isolated and alone. You have a loving, caring, and committed family now to support, and help you."

"they just feel obligated, because they adopted me. I'm fifty shades of fucked up, nobody loves me." A hand and foot trips me into the forest floor muck and mud. I look up Steele is serious. How could my family love me?

"bullshit, Christian your family loves you. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, right now. All of this is to help you grow, learn and be a better person. You are import to them. They love you. And most important that love is unconditional love, whether you're a fuck up or CEO. You will always be their son and brother." Reaching a hand helping me up out of the muck. I think on want was said. I don't talk for three days. They don't force the issue. The whole time I think and talk inside my head, to the ghosts of the past and present.

Xxxxxx

Day nine: The storm.

We hunker down in a small break in the forest, near the hilltop crest. I've rigged my poncho low like I was shown to shelter me from the rain and wind. A cocoon of cameo patterns highlighted in the flash of light and shaken by the thunder. Alone I sit. I fear. I want my mommy. I want her to stroke my head and tell me stories to chase away the storm. But I'm fucked up; alone in the forest. Cold and wet and alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be here. I want to go home.

I wake the storm still rages, I check my watch 5am. I snack on some MRE brownie. Cardboard would taste better. I review in my head, my business plan. How to get capital. How to get ready for an opportunity, when it shows up.

We walk in the rain. I no longer fear the storms. I want my mother, even dad. I miss them, the noise; I miss the feeling, emotions, the love they give me. Yes, they give me love. I never realized how much I need that love from them, how I've been a prick, and a louse's son. I start to plan better thing to do to show them I love them and want their love.

xxxxxx

day twelve: The beaver pond:

We've walk for hours. Arriving at a beaver pond. We strip and swim, wash and play. I feel happy and free. Later we lay nearby drying and tanning in the sun. I doze and dream of cheerleaders from my last school; playing and frolicking in the beaver pond. Hard wet bodies. Swaying, begging me to join them. I wake horny with a massive hard on. I look about. "Christian if you have to masturbate, go over there in the bush."

"what's the point; no girl is every gone touch me, love me, how can I let them touch me. Fuck this shit. I can't be loved. Why do I have these thought? Maybe my family would be better without me?"

Steele rises, walk over and straddles my stomach pinning my arms to my side. He places his hand on my chest. I scream and trash about for a minute than calm. I'm angry but the pain is less. "All of this is to help you grow, learn and be a better person. You are import to them. They love you. And most important that love is unconditional love. One day; you will meet someone, girl, boy, that you will love and be loved by. It starts with learning to accept people touching you here on your chest." Could he be right?

"now go cool off at the pond. Cleanup and think. Your family loves you. You love them. You can let them touch you. Hug you. Love you. Someday a girl will love you and her touch you will crave." I walk to the pond wash up. Think about the future; can I let family touch me. Will I ever meet a girl who can touch me?

Day fourteen:

We spent the morning climb a rough hill of cliffs and arroyos. Arriving at a logging road, we march up to a cut on the hillside. A pickup truck is waiting. I'm introduced to a Mr. Moore. "today. Rappelling. You game Christian?" "What's Rappelling?" "Simple, you tied yourself to a rope and walk down the cliff face." I gawk "over the side of the mountain?" "YEP, simple and relative safe. Mr. Rogers can show you on this practice cliff right here. (pointing to a twenty foot cut in the road.)" They harness me up and I watch as Rogers walks down the twenty feet, like a walk in the park. Mr. Moore walks me up, hooks me up, and I stubble and fall down the twenty feet. Picking myself up I walk back up and go again. Five tried to get confidant and enjoy the experience. After lunch. Mr. Moore brought barbecue ribs, cornbread, and potatoes salad with spicy dill pickles and apple pie.

After lunch we walk to a new cliff face. Two hundred feet drop. "Ready for this?" "yes." "excellent, harness up while I rig the lines." I harness up, fear edges into my mine. But I can do this just like the practice cliff. I stare out across the valley. I can see homes and farms. I can do this. Breathe, calm, breathe, calm. Rogers goes first. I watch the ease at which he hops down the face. The pure joy on his face. The world is still; has I take my turn. Steele double checks my rigging. "Take it at your own pace, enjoy the ride, and remember we are here for you.

I step back into air and off the ridge. I walk the first few meters. I take my first hop. My second. I am master of my fate. I command my life right here, right now. I scream with joy. I am happy, no, overwhelmed with emotions of joy and contentment. I stop and hang on the cliff. I am master of my fate. I look around and down and find myself ten feet from the ground, Rogers is grinning so hard his face must surly break. I walk to the ground. "what to go again?" "hell yes." "well un-rig, it's about thirty minutes climb back up.

I rappel off the cliff four more times. Before we must make camp. Dinner is a roaster pan of Italian pasta and sausage with French bread, Mr. Moore left us. Afterwards we crumble the pan and foil, to pack out the garbage. I feel happy, and for the first time confidante. I have master my fear and doubts and moved forward in my life. I watch the night sky fired with meteorites leaving streaks across the stars.

Day twenty-five:

We arrive back at the cabin. I am happy for a shower. I wash and find muscle I didn't know I had. Dinner is a roast ham and potatoes, Rogers tries to teach Steele and me to cook. I think it's a hopeless cause. We game the night away playing poker and spades. I lay on bed and miss the stars, the sounds, the beautiful scents waffling thru the night.

Morning comes; I wonder what's next. They walk me to creek bed about a half mile. I'm to clear the fallen trees and scrubs and make some water drops (mini-dams that form small cascades of ponds.)