Chapter 4
Fangs' Friendly Funnies
KIARA
When I opened my eyes, I found myself standing in the grate of the Dawsons' kitchen fire. As I looked around, I saw the smiling faces of Chrissie, Beth, Kestrel and Tanya and Geri Fang, who were all sitting around the long wooden table, with two brown-haired people I had never seen before, though I immediately knew who they were: Samantha and Kat Fang, cousins of the Dawsons, and Tanya, Geri and Perdy's sisters.
"How're you doing, Kiara?" said the nearer of the two, grinning at me and holding out a hand, which I shook when I got out of the grate, feeling calluses and blisters under my fingers. This had to be Kat, who worked with dragons in Rumania. Kat was built like the twins, but was shorter and stockier that Perdy. She had a long face, which was weather-beaten and so freckly that she looked almost tanned; her arms were muscly (clearly working with dragons meant that she worked out a lot), and one of them had a large, shiny burn on it.
Samantha - or Sam, as everyone calls her - came as something of a surprise to me. I knew that she worked for the wizarding bank Fauntrotts, that she had been Head Girl of Dragon Mort and I had always imagined Sam to be an older version of Perdy, fussy of rule-breaking and fond of bossing everyone around. However, Sam was - there was no other word for it - cool. She was about as tall as Sian - more or less - with short hair that reached just below her neck. She had a warm smile and wore square-framed glasses. She also wore earrings - one in each ear - with what looked like Hippogriff claws that were shortened dangling from them. Her clothes could have been worn at a rock concert, except that I noticed her boots were made, not of leather, but of dragon hide.
Before any of us could say anything, there was a faint popping noise, and Mr Dawson appeared out of thin air at Geri's side. He looked genuinely happy, smiling around at everyone, before his gaze finally rested on me.
"Well, Kiara, I am pleased to tell you that your grandmothers are happy with our arrangements. They will be expecting a letter from you telling them all about the Quidditch Friendly, and they will meet you at the Sub House on - "
Before Mr Dawson could continue, Chris ran into the room through the back door, took a quick look around the room, saw me, ran to me and hugged me so hard that I had to lean forwards so that we didn't fall to the floor in a heap.
"Kiara!" he said, once his feet were on the ground again. He let go of me so I could look at him properly. "It's so good to see you again! I've really missed you ..." His voice trailed off as he said this and his face turned red, for he then realised that there were other people in the room; Tanya and Geri were stifling their laughter, whilst Sam, Kat, Beth, Kestrel, Chrissie and Mr Dawson smiled sweetly at us. I turned my attention back to Chris, my own cheeks gaining more pink in them.
"You have?" I asked, surprised. "But, it's only been a month."
"Yeah, well, it seemed like for ever to me," said Chris. As he said this, a collective "Aww!" swept across the room. Ignoring this, Chris hurried on, "So, did everything go all right?"
"Yes it did, Chris, and - Geri!" Mr Dawson said suddenly, his eyes fixed on Geri, and a worried expression on his face. "What's that you've got in your hand?"
"What?" said Geri innocently, as she put something plum coloured back in her pocket and sharing a grin with Tanya. Mr Dawson's face suddenly turned from anxious to furious.
"Don't you use that innocent tone on me, young lady! You know as well as I do that Sian and I do not approve of this. Laugh all you want," he said, as Tanya and Geri shared a laugh at Sian, "but you know as well as I do that Sian is a formidable force when someone messes with her, and f she finds out that you two have been making more of those things, she'll find out, tell her mother and then we'll all be in trouble, and trust me, I don't think it's be good if Sian and my wife found out about - "
"Tell Ma and I what, exactly?" said a voice behind us.
Sian had just entered the kitchen, she was a tall and - slowly becoming - slender girl of fourteen with a very kind face, though her eyes were at that moment narrowed with suspicion.
"Oh, hello again, Kiara," she said, spotting me and smiling. Then her eyes snapped back to her father. "Tell Ma and I what, Dad?"
Mr Dawson hesitated. I could tell that, however angry he was with his nieces, he hadn't really intended to tell Sian and her mother what happened, Sian in particular. There was a silence as Mr Dawson eyed his eldest daughter nervously.
"Tell Ma and I what, Dad?" said Sian, in a dangerous sort of voice, but Mr Dawson didn't answer, so Sian went on: "Fine, if you won't tell me then you can tell - "
"No, Sian, there's no need to call - !"began Mr Dawson, but it was too late.
"MOTHER!" she shouted. "Dad wants to tell you something about Tanya and Geri, but won't tell me! Can you come down and help me find out what's going on, please?"
There was a slight pause, during which Sam, Kat, Tanya, Geri, Chris, Chrissie, Beth and Kestrel glanced nervously at each other and a slight mumbling could be heard from above, which Sian must have heard perfectly for she yelled back, "Thanks, Ma!" then turned back to her father and said smugly, "You're in for it now, Dad."
"How could you betray me like that, Sian?" said Mr Dawson, in a hurt tone. "How could you betray me to your mother like that, Sian?"
"Sorry Dad, but when it comes between you and Ma, Ma always comes first," said Sian, sweeping her hair back with her hand. "And besides, as the oldest in our family, it's my job to ensure that everything in this house is always under control. So before you mention to Ma anything you don't want her to know about, I suggest you keep it to yourself before you mention it when I'm around, because you know who I am."
There was a silence in the kitchen, during which Mr Dawson stared at the table with a troubled look on his face, Sian smiled smugly at the ceiling and the rest of us tried not to smile. Then, a couple of minutes later, Crighton appeared at Sian's right side, and the two women smiled like they hadn't seen each other in ages and were glad to be reunited.
"Siany," said Crighton.
"No," Sian replied (she hates it when her parents - and now Kopa - use that name in front of people; she won't even let her siblings or cousins say it, not even me). It always surprised me how alike Sian and her mother were; Sian and Crighton were the same height as each other now, both with waist-length hair which curled inwardly at the end, although the colours of their hair were different shades of brown: Sian's was almost black, whereas Crighton's was caramel with streaks of silver that were starting to show through and a few aging lines showed on her face.
"Professor Crighton, it's good to see you," I said.
Crighton turned to me at the sound of my voice, her smile warm and welcoming and her green eyes twinkling as always. She said, "Hello, Kiara. It's good to see you."
"Why are you here?" I asked her.
"Well, Kiara, someone has to watch over the house while you are all at the Quidditch Friendly tomorrow." Then her smile faded and she turned to her husband. "So, what have you got to tell me about Tanya and Geri, Matthew?"
"Oh, nothing, Susan," mumbled Mr Dawson, "Tanya and Geri just - but I've had words with them - "
"What have they done this time?" said Crighton, with a small twinkle in her eyes. "I fit's got anything to do with Fangs' Friendly Funnies - "
"Why don't you show Kiara the larger attic, Chrissie?" said Sian, still beside Crighton.
"She knows where it is," said Chrissie. "We showed her last - "
"You, Chris, Kiara and I can all go," said Sian pointedly.
"Oh," said Chrissie, cottoning on. "Right."
"Yeah, we'll come, too," said Tanya.
"Oh no, you won't my dear," said Crighton, her gaze fixed on Tanya and her sister. "You, Geri and my husband will stay here. The rest of you may go."
We didn't need to be told twice. Chris, Sian, Chrissie and I walked across the long kitchen, followed quickly by the others, up the stairs and into the ancestry corridor. We walked as quick as we could away from the kitchen and Mr Dawson's stuttering mumbles. We quickly arrived in the main hall and climbed the staircase to the family area, where the Dawsons' rooms were. Beth and Kestrel left us - as did Sam and Kat - on this floor, and the four of us kept on going pas Max's (the youngest Dawson) room, opened another door, went up another flight of stairs and came into a new corridor lined with doors - which I was told was for other family members (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) of the Dawson clan.
"What are Fangs' Friendly Funnies? What was that thing that Geri put in her pocket? And why is Crighton so involved in all this? She's not her mother, after all," I said, as we kept walking.
Chris and Chrissie laughed, though Sian didn't.
"When I was cleaning their room earlier this summer, I found this stack of order forms," said Sian quietly. "Great long price-lists for stuff they've invented - such as Shrivelled Skin Sweet, which is what you saw Geri holding. It's basically a bunch of joke stuff and sweets that do strange things to your body - gross magic, in other words." Sian shuddered.
"It was brilliant. None of us knew they'd been doing that," said Chris, awestruck, ignoring Sian's disapproving glance. "We've been hearing explosions from their room for the past few weeks - they're staying with us 'cause of the Quidditch Friendly and our Aunt Pam - their mum - she couldn't get tickets, you know - but we never thought they were actually making things. We just thought they liked the noise."
"Only, most of the stuff - well, all of it, really - was a bit dangerous," said Chrissie, "and, you know, they were planning to sell it at Dragon Mort to make some money, and Sian went mad about it and told Ma because it was her responsibility. Then she wrote to Ma about it, who wrote to Aunt Pam (that's why she's involved, 'cause Ma wants what's best for them, as does Aunt Pam). So Aunt Pam came round, told them they weren't allowed to make any more of it, asked for the forms and burnt them all. Aunt Pam's quite angry at them, anyway. They didn't get as many OWLs as she expected."
And for anyone who doesn't know (or has forgotten) OWLs were Ordinary Wizarding Levels , the examinations that Dragon Mort students (as well as the Hogwarts ones) took at the age of fifteen.
"And then there was this big row," said Chris, "because Aunt Pam wants them to go into the Ministry of Magic like Dad, and Tan' and Ger' told them that all they want to do is open a joke shop. Plus, she's saying that if they make any more forms, she'll chuck them out."
Just then, a door at the end of the corridor opened, and a face poked out, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a very annoyed expression.
"Hello, Perdy," I said.
"Oh, hello, Kiara," said Perdy. "I was wondering who was making all the noise. I'm trying to work in here, you know - I've got a report to finish for the office - and it's rather difficult to concentrate when people keep thundering up and down the stairs."
"We're not thundering," said Chrissie irritably. "We're walking. Sorry if we disturbed the top-secret workings of the Ministry of Magic."
"Yeah, and it wouldn't hurt for you to take a chill-pill every once in a while, would it?" said Chris.
"Well said, bro," said Chrissie, and she and Chris high-fived each other whilst Perdy and Sian glared at them.
"What are you working on?" I said.
"A report for the International Magical Co-operation," said Perdy smugly. "We're trying to scandalise irregular usage and improper stores of Floo powder. Some foreign imports of the stuff are a bit unsafe, truth be told - cursed powder or fireplaces not hooked to the network - injuries have been increasing at a rate of almost three per-cent a year - "
"That will change the world, that report will," said Chrissie. "Front page of the Daily Squabbler, I expect, Floo regulations."
Perdy went slightly pink.
"You might sneer, Chrissie," she said heatedly, "but unless some sort of international law is imposed we might find people from all over the world colliding in fireplaces , or else someone dead due to cursed Floo powder - "
Chris and Chrissie both spoke at once.
"Oh, like we care - "
"whatever, Perdy - "
But before they could continue, Sian yelled, "All right, you two, that's enough! Chris, Chrissie, why don't we stop being rude and leave Perdy to carry on with her work in peace, shall we?"
"Thank you, Sian. I like having you around, it's useful when you're trying to get rid of rude people," said Perdy.
"No problem, Perdita. Come on, guys, let's go to the attic. See you at dinner, Perdy." And without so much as a "see you later" to Sian, Perdy slammed her bedroom door shut. Chris, Sian, Chrissie and I continued on to the attic, and as we walked, we heard Crighton's voice shouting all the way from the kitchen. It was amazing how far that woman's voice could travel sometimes.
The attic looked the same as the last time I had stayed at Dawson Manor; articles and pictures of aliens and troublesome criminals - both wizards and Muggles alike - were pinned to the walls. The back wall had a secret computer which helped Sian get in touch with her friend, Wayde, whenever she needed to find out about someone or analyse something. Also on the back wall were two new pictures of owls, the same two owls which had delivered my letter from Chrissie at my grandmothers' cottage. Sian had signed them, which meant that she had drawn them herself. The attic was also filled with gadgets and gizmos of alien and wizarding technology that had been given to Sian by her mother over the years. But the pictures of the owls did remind me of the names of them.
"Er - why do you and Chrissie call your owls Pig and Cat, Chris?" I asked him.
"Because they're being stupid," said Sian. "Chrissie's owl's called Piggledon and Chris' owl's called Cattonia."
"Yeah, and they're not stupid names at all," said Chris sarcastically. " Merida named them," he explained to me. "She reckons those names are sweet. Chrissie and I tried to change them but it was too late. They won't answer to anything else. So now they're Pig and Cat. We've got to keep them in our rooms because they annoy Arrol and everyone else here, except for Merry and Sian. They annoy me and Chrissie, too, come to that."
I knew Chris and Chrissie too well by this point to take them seriously. They had moaned continually about their old pets - Chrissie's cat, Felix and Chris' rat, Claws - but had been most upset when Sian's cat, Lucifer, appeared to have killed them.
"Where's Lucifer?" I asked Sian.
"Out in the garden, I expect," she said. "He loves to have a good run in the garden, and he deserves it after all the rain we had over the past few weeks."
"So, Perdy's enjoying work, then?" I said, sitting down on the couch opposite the door and picking up a harmless crystal.
"Enjoying it?" said Chrissie darkly. "I don't reckon she'd come home if Dad didn't make her. She's obsessed. Just don't get her on the subject of her boss. According to Mrs Clutch ... as I was saying to Mrs Clutch ... Mrs Clutch is of the opinion m... Mrs Clutch was telling me ... They'll be announcing their engagement any day now." Chris chuckled.
"Have you had a good summer, Kiara?" said Sian. "Did you get our parcels and everything?"
"Yeah, thanks a lot," I said. "I'm glad I got cakes on my birthday ... but there's something I don't understand from what you said before ..."
"What's that, Kiara?" said Chris.
"Why did Crighton talk to your Aunt Pam instead of your dad? I mean, he is her brother, isn't he?"
"Oh, he is, but he fell out with her a few years back," said Chrissie.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean - "
"Don't apologise, Kiara. Besides, we don't remember because we were young and many other members of our family have fallen out with her too - well, except us and the rest of our siblings."
There was an awkward silence, then Sian said, "I think they've stopped arguing. Shall we go and help Ma with dinner?"
"Yeah, all right, then," said Chris, and the four of us left the attic and went back downstairs to the kitchen, to find Crighton alone in it, taking deep breaths to calm herself.
"We're eating out in the garden," she said when we came in. "There's just not enough room for eighteen people in here. Sian, could you help me in the kitchen whilst you two girls take the plates outside, please? Sam and Kat are setting up tables. Knives and forks please, Christopher," she said to Chris, Sian, Chrissie and I, pointing her wand a little more vigorously than she had intended at a pile of potatoes in the sink, which shot out of their skins so fast that they richoted off the walls and ceiling.
Crighton huffed, then directed her wand at the dustpan, which hopped off the side and started skating across the floor, scooping up the potatoes. "Those two," she sighed, now pulling pots and pans out of a cupboard, and I knew she meant Tanya and Geri. "I don't know what's going to happen to them, I really don't, and neither does their mother, though she doesn't help much. She keeps saying that they've no ambition, unless you count making as much trouble as they possibly can, even though she doesn't do anything ..."
"Now, Ma," Sian chastised, as she chopped vegetables nearby.
"I know, Sian, I know," said Crighton, as she put a large copper saucepan down on one of the benches and began to wave her wand inside it. A creamy sauce poured from the wand tip as she stirred.
"It's not as though they haven't got brains," Sian said, as she started to chop carrots; Crighton took the saucepan to the stove and lit it with a further poke of her wand, "but they're wasting time. I know I'm not their mother but I'm concerned about them, and unless they pull themselves together soon, they'll be in real trouble , and even though Aunt Pam does nothing, I know she worries about them. She's had more letters from Dragon Mort about them than the rest of her family put together. If they carry on the way they're going, they'll end up in front of the Improper Use of Magic Office."
"I know, darling, but what can you do?" Crighton asked, as she jabbed her wand at the cutlery drawer, which shot open. Chris, Chrissie and I ducked out of the way as several knives soared out of it, flew across the kitchen and began chopping the potatoes, which had just been tipped in the sink by the dustpan.
"I know, Ma. But I can't help wondering where Aunt Pam went wrong with those two, and neither does she, for that matter," said Sian, as Crighton put her wand down and started to pull out still more saucepans. "It's been the same for years, one thing after another, and yet they still won't listen to - OH, NOT AGAIN!"
She had picked up a quill from beside the table; it emitted a loud squeak and turned into a rubber mouse. "One of their fake quills again!" she shouted. "How many times have I told those two not to leave these lying around?"
Sian slammed the mouse onto the table and glared at her mother, who chuckled softly as she looked at the sauce on the stove that was smoking.
Chris, Chrissie and I got the plates, knives and forks and went to help Sam and Kat.
When we got outside, we had only gone a few paces when Sian's bandy-legged black cat Lucifer came pelting out of the garden, bottle-brush tail held high in the air, chasing a butterfly and trying to catch , a very loud crashing noise came from the other side of the house. The source of the commotion was revealed as we entered the garden and saw that Sam and Kat both had their wands out, and were making two battered old tables fly high above the lawn, smashing into each other, each attempting to knock the other's out of the air. Tanya and Geri were cheering; Beth, Kestrel, Merida, Ben and Dave all laughed.
Sam's table caught Kat's with a huge bang, and knocked one of its legs off. There was a clatter from overhead, and we all looked up to see Perdy's head poked out of a window on the second floor.
"Will you keep it down?" she bellowed.
"Sorry, Perd," said Sam, grinning. "How're the Floo problems coming on?"
"Very badly," said Perdy peevishly, and she slammed the window shut again. Chuckling, Sam and Kat directed the tables safely onto the grass, end to end, and then, with a flick of her wand, Sam reattached the table leg, as Kat brought out another table. One the three tables were put together, Sam conjured tablecloths from nowhere.
By seven o'clock that evening, a radio blasted out the words to Corey Smoulder's "A Little Bit of Black Magic, the three tables groaned under dishes and dishes of Crighton and Sian's excellent cooking, and the eleven Dawsons, two Sevilles, five Fangs and myself were settling ourselves down to eat beneath a clear, deep blue sky. I was very hungry that night, so I listened rather than talked at first as I helped myself to chicken-and-ham pie, boiled potatoes and salad.
At the far end of the table, Perdy was telling her uncle all about her report on Floo powder and the Floo Network.
"I've told Mrs Clutch that I'll have it ready by Tuesday," Perdy said pompously. "That's a bit sooner than she expected it, but I like to keep on top of things. I think she'll be grateful that I've done it in good time. I mean, it's extremely busy in our department just now, what with all the arrangements for the Quidditch Friendly. We're just not getting the support we need from the Department of Magical Games and Sports. Lynnette Baxter - "
"I like Lynnette," said Mr Dawson mildly. "She was the one who got us such good tickets for the Friendly. I did her a bit of a favour; her sister, Dora, got into a bit of trouble - a lawn-mower with unnatural powers - not my department, I know, but she did come to me first and I did manage to smooth the whole thing over."
"Oh, Baxter's likeable enough, of course," said Perdy dismissively, "but how she got to be Head of Department ... When I compare her to Mrs Clutch! I can't see Mrs Clutch losing a member of our department and not trying to find out what's happened to them. You realise Bernard Jenkins has been missing for over a month now? Went on holiday and never came back?"
"Yes, I was asking Lynnette about that," said Mr Dawson, frowning. "She says Bernard's got lost plenty of times before now - though I must say, if it was someone in my department, I'd be worried ..."
"Oh, Bernard's hopeless, all right," said Perdy. "I hear he's been shunned from department to department for years, much more trouble than he's worth ... but all the same, Baxter ought to be finding him. Mrs Clutch has been taking a personal interest - he worked in our department at one time, you know, and I think Mrs Clutch was quite fond of him - but Baxter just keeps laughing and says that he probably misread the map and ended up in Austria instead. of Albania. However," Perdy heaved and impressive sigh, and took a swig of elderflower wine, "we've got quite enough on our plates at the Department of International Magical Co-operation without trying to find members of other departments too. As you know, we've got another big event to organise right after the Quidditch Friendly."
She cleared her throat significantly and looked down towards the end of the table where Chris, Sian, Chrissie and I were sat. "You know the one I'm talking about, Uncle Matt." She raised her voice slightly. "The top-secret one."
Chrissie rolled her eyes and muttered to me, "She's been trying to get us to ask her what the event is ever since she got here. Probably an exhibition of cursed Floo powder."
In the middle of the table, Crighton (with a little help from Sian at our end) told whoever would listen to them about their recent summer holiday to Disneyland in Florida.
"Sian helped me with my Muggle clothes, but we had lots of fun and went on a lot of the rides there."
"Yeah, and we got autographs and pictures with many of the characters there, and we saw Beauty and the Beast show over there, which wasn't as good as the movie in my opinion, but at least I could buy the DVD of it, get the Broadway cast recording of it and get souvenirs for all of you while we were there. Oh, and you had to see the parades."
"Oh, yes, indeed," said Crighton. "The firework displays were wonderful!"
Next to Crighton, Tanya, Geri and Sam were all talking spiritedly about the Quidditch Friendly.
"It's got to be Ireland," said Sam thickly, through a mouthful of potato. "They flattened Russia in their Friendly."
"South Africa have got Outsider, though," said Geri.
"Outsider's one decent player, Ireland have got seven," said Sam shortly. "It would've been nice if England had won their Friendly, though. That was embarrassing, that was."
"What happened?" I said eagerly, regretting more than ever at that moment not only my isolation from the wizarding world, but also the fact that I couldn't play Quidditch (being in close proximity to Muggles) whilst I was at my grandmothers' cottage. I was - and still am - passionate about Quidditch. For those of you who need reminding - yet again - I had played Seeker on the Lion-Heart Quidditch team ever since my first year at Dragon Mort, and I owned a Firecracker, one of the best racing brooms in the world.
"Went down to Transylvania, three hundred and ninety to ten," said Sam gloomily. "Shocking performance. And Wales lost to Uganda and Scotland were slaughtered by Luxembourg."
Mr Dawson conjured up candles to light the darkening garden before we had our pudding (home-made strawberry ice-cream) and by the time we had all finished, moths fluttered low over the table and the warm air was perfumed with smells of grass and honeysuckle. I remember feeling extremely well fed and at peace with the world as I watched Lucifer chase several moths. Sian had just gone inside to get her photographs of what happened in Disneyland.
After that, Chris looked carefully up the table to make sure the rest were busy talking, before he turned to me and said very quietly, "So, have you heard from your parents lately?"
Sian and Chrissie leaned in closer, in order to listen better.
"Yeah," I said softly, "twice. They sound OK. I wrote to them the day before yesterday. They might write back while I'm here."
I then suddenly remembered the reason why I wrote to my parents and, for a moment, I was on the verge of telling Chris, Sian and Chrissie about my scar hurting again and about the dream that woke me up ... but I really didn't want to worry them just then, not when I felt so peaceful and happy (boy, that did not last long - but we'll get to that).
"Look at the time," Crighton said suddenly, checking her watch. "You really should be in bed, the whole lot of you. You'll be up at the crack of dawn to get to the Friendly. Kiara, if you leave your school list on your bedside dresser, I'll get your things from you tomorrow in Brickabon Alley. I'm getting everyone else's. There may not be time after the Friendly; the match went on for five days once."
"Wow - I hope it does this time!" I said enthusiastically.
"Well, I certainly don't," said Perdy sanctimoniously. "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was to stay away from my work for five days."
"Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perd?"said Geri.
"That was a sampled of fertiliser from Norway!" said Perdy, who went very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!"
"It was," Geri whispered to me as we got up from the table. "We sent it."
