Author Note: Thank you to everyone who has commented, etc. on the last chapter. It's lovely to see so many enjoying this one, which is a little more challenging, because of the storyline. I would have posted this update sooner but I forgot to send it to my email address so couldn't upload while I was out.
I've got a busy evening/Saturday coming up so I may not have another chapter of any of my stories for a couple of days. Though I did spoil you a bit this week, so I think I deserve a night off!
Waking up was the hardest part of Maura's day. Opening her eyes to the darkness, the lack of focus, sent her mind into a spin and her heart fluttering. Then she remembered. She listened, trying to piece together the sounds of the morning. Silence was a myth. Behind the otherwise silent house, Maura could hear sound after delicate sound; the faucet in the bathroom dripping, the coffee machine getting going, Jane's soft breath, rising and falling with the movement of her fingertips lightly holding her arm. She could smell the salty mix of ocean water, tinged with body odour, lingering on Jane's skin. She turned to face her, to face the shape that looked as much like Jane as she was going to get. Jane moved, her breathing changed.
"I heard you yesterday," Maura said, moving toward her warmth. Her mind felt cloudier, heavier. "I heard what you said."
"Dunno what you mean," Jane said, her hand fell between them, her fingertips teased Maura's hand.
She retrieved her fingers and rolled fully onto her side, to the sound of Jane's voice. "You don't have to pretend with me."
"I don't know what to say." Her voice croaked with the lack of use. "I'm sorry I didn't see this coming. I should've protected you."
"You did everything you could, Jane." She sighed, reaching across the space and gripping her fingers. "I thought you understood that I don't blame you. This isn't your fault."
"Still feels like it is."
"No." She heard the clicking of Jane's tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"I can't see anything," she said. "But it's like somebody turned the volume up, I can hear things clearer."
"That's true?"
"What is?"
"That your hearing gets better."
"It's not that it's better, more that I'm relying on it more to understand what's going on."
"Still sounds pretty cool."
Maura pursed her lips and tried to steady her already shaken breathing. "Nothing about this situation is cool."
"No."
"I don't blame you." Maura squeezed her fingers. "I don't want you to blame yourself. It's been weeks and we haven't talked about it, you haven't talked to me. I don't want you to pull away."
"I talk to you every day."
"Not about the things that matter," Maura said, she let go of her fingers. "About last night..."
"It's fine," Jane said. "It was just a kiss. It doesn't have to mean anything."
"I," she trailed off, unable to put into words what she wanted to say. "Can you change my sheets? All I can smell is the ocean."
"I thought you liked the ocean."
"I do." Maura breathed in slowly, capturing the rest of the scent. "It's like the ocean mixed with seaweed, mixed with something else that after a night sleeping with it smells revolting."
Jane went silent, her own nostrils made the sound that Maura recognised as breathing in, then out. "I think it's you."
"And you." Maura pushed the bedsheets away and slid over the edge of the bed. "I need to shower, will you please take me?"
"Sure."
"You can help me in, I'll manage with the rest."
"You sure you don't want more help?"
Maura nodded, tucking her hands around Jane's arm. She clutched her hand and walked slowly across the carpet. The mood had shifted. Jane helped her into the shower, she lifted her hands to the edge of Maura's pyjama shirt.
"No," Maura said. "I want to do the rest myself."
"I don't wanna just leave you."
"I'm perfectly capable of taking off my clothes, the rest I have to learn eventually."
She heard the door close, and the bedroom closet door open and shut again. She pulled her shirt over her head and slipped off her shorts. She rested her hands against the glass door and found the handle, opening it, dropping her clothes onto the floor before pulling it closed again. She moved her fingers across the side of the cubicle and over the tiles, feeling her way along the wall. Her wrist hit a faucet. She twisted it but nothing happened, so she turned it back around. Shaking her head, she moved her hand, trying to remember the exact location of the two controls. Temperature at the bottom, on/off at the top. She moved her hand upward and fiddled with the other control. The water streamed down, hitting her shoulders in a cool spray. It heated up, growing warmer until she jumped backward, shocked by the heat of the water scolding her skin. She reached back down but her hand hit the wall, she squinted, hoping to get some semblance of idea of the location of the dial.
"Jane," she said, her voice smaller than she intended. She tried again, her hand hit the controls and she turned them until the water cooled and eventually the stream disappeared. She rested a hand across her chest, the beat hit her hand over and over again. She leaned back against the tiles and slid to the basin of the shower cubicle. Tears gathered on the edge of her eyelids, overflowing down her cheeks. Her skin burned with the heat of the shower, she felt colder the longer she sat there.
After what seemed like hours, there was a knock at the door.
"You okay?" Jane knocked again. "Do you need help getting dressed?"
"Jane," Maura said, hearing the crack in her own voice.
"Maura?"
The door hinge squeaked as it opened, Jane's toes tapped across the tiled floor. She didn't speak as the seal on the shower door rubbed against the frame and popped as it opened.
"What happened?" Jane's hands reached her shoulders, colliding against sensitive skin. She winced, the tears increased. "Are you hurt?"
"It was too hot," she said, rubbing at her eyes. "I couldn't turn it down. I'm so useless, I can't do anything. I've used this shower a hundred times, I should be able to remember how to control the temperature. I hate this, I can't do this for the rest of my life."
Jane sighed. Tears welled up in her eyes. The silence didn't help. Maura dug her fingers into Jane's arms, desperate to feel her closer.
"You can," Jane said. "It's gonna take time."
"I can't even take a shower on my own." She leaned forward. Jane's arms slipped around her bare back. She pushed her face against the fabric of Jane's shirt. "I can't do anything on my own, I've got scars all over my face, I'm an ugly mess."
"No."
"Yes."
"No." Jane cupped her cheeks, brushing the tears from her scarred face.
"Yes," Maura said, smacking her hands away. She retreated back against the tiles, tossing her hands out to push Jane away. She moved toward her again, her fingers graced her skin. Maura pushed her off. "Stop. Leave me alone. I don't need your help. I don't want your help. Just leave me."
"You're hurt," Jane said, tears coating her words. "Let me get you to your room."
"I'm sick of my room, I'm sick of you always being here all the time, just leave me alone," she screamed, pushing harder. Jane's body moved away, the warmth, the comfort, the familiar scent. She listened to the silence, to the bedroom door slam shut in the distance, and her heart shattered.
x
She sat back down on her bed, her robe wrapped around her. Angela pulled the clean bedsheets up around her middle and gave her shoulder a squeeze. Maura leaned back and closed her eyes, desperate to feel some semblance of calm in an otherwise fractured world.
"Thank you," she said.
The bed moved under the weight of Angela sitting down beside her. Maura sighed. Whilst she appreciated her help in getting back to somewhere less humiliating than the basin of the shower, she still wasn't in the mood for company.
"She's doing the best she can."
Maura didn't speak. She had nothing to say, and knew that if she opened her mouth, she risked saying something she didn't mean.
"I know it's difficult for you, you're hurting and your whole world has changed. But she's trying to help you."
"I know," Maura whispered.
"Try not to push her away."
"You don't understand," Maura said, lowering her head. She opened her eyes and stared at the pale blur of her clean bedsheets. She could still smell the subtle scent of the ocean, and the beach. It brought her back to the night before, to the water pooling around her. To the laughter that felt so easy in that moment. How quickly she had dropped. "Nobody understands."
"No." Angela stroked her arm. "We don't."
"Thank you for helping me," she said. "I need to be alone now."
x
After the fifth day, her bedsheets began to smell again. Maura curled up, her arms wrapped around her spare pillow, listening to the sounds of the day. She turned on her classical music album, but she'd heard each song dozens of time. She tried to find the radio but couldn't. She tried to go back to the music, but she didn't know which button changed it back to the CD player. A fit of rage sent the remote control across the room, smashing into something. She listened to the clatter, to the break, to the destruction. Yet she couldn't see it. It was there, and yet it wasn't.
She ate the food brought to her on a tray. She half-heartedly thanked Jane for her efforts and listened to her walk away. She didn't say anything when she could feel her still there, standing in the doorway, watching her eating. She just listened, and ate, hoping that eventually something would change.
She slept. She lay in silence and wondered what she'd be doing if she was not visually impaired. She thought about the friends who hadn't been to visit her, the work colleagues who had sent a card she couldn't read. She pondered the world, the scientific marvels that had given people back their sight.
She stared up at the ceiling, at the blank, blurry space above her in the hope that maybe, just maybe, it was all a dream and her vision would eventually clear.
"Six days," Jane said. She placed the tray on the bed and helped Maura find the plate. She cleaned up the mess she'd made, then sat at the foot of the bed and watched her eating. The closest she'd been in days. "How long are you gonna do this for?"
She didn't reply.
By day eight, Maura had taken to just lying there, staring at the blurry ceiling, counting down the seconds, minutes, hours.
"Get up," Jane said, pulling the bedsheets away. Maura sat up and reached out for them, pulling at the corner as Jane pulled in the opposite direction. She kneeled up and tugged harder, until she fell forward, defeated by Jane's strength. She lay face down on the mattress. "No. You're not doing this. You've done enough of it. I won't let you waste your life."
"What life?" Maura asked, folding her arms in front of her and burrowing her face against the mattress.
She felt a hand wrap around her upper arm and pull her, Maura used her other hand to push away but Jane's grip didn't loosen. She fell onto her back, Jane pulled the sheet from under her, disrupting her position.
"You smell. Your bed smells. Your whole room smells."
Maura sighed. Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's shoulders and pulled her off the bed, lifting her to her feet. She stood, frozen to the spot, the thought of moving made her heart race. She listened to Jane move about the room, the shower turned on. Then Jane grabbed her upper arms and pushed her toward the water. She tried to resist.
"No more, Maura."
She sighed and allowed her to push her through to the bathroom. She stood still, her feet flat against the tiled floor. Silence. Jane clicked her tongue. Eventually Jane tugged at her pyjamas, forcing them from her body. She stood still, waiting for Jane to push her into the shower.
Under the stream of water, the layer of grime that coated her skin washed away. She closed her eyes and tilted her head, enjoying the ritual of cleanliness. The fog lifted slightly, pulling her back into her every day routine. She'd forgotten momentarily what it was like to enjoy a shower.
"I'm gonna shampoo your hair now," Jane said, her voice making her jump. Maura turned to the sound of her voice. "Unless you'd rather do it yourself."
"It's fine," Maura said. She stood still, allowing Jane to build up the soap suds that stung her eyes. She rinsed, then conditioned it. Maura rested her hands against the tiles. Jane combed through her matted locks and Maura felt as close to being pampered as she could without sitting in a salon or spa. When the water shut off, Maura felt disappointed.
"Let's go," Jane said, wrapping her up in a towel and pushing her back out into the bedroom. Silence again. Maura didn't move. Jane handed her a pair of panties but she just held them in her hands. "If you're not gonna do it yourself, I'll just do it for you."
She sighed and slipped on her underwear. Jane helped her into her clothes. Maura narrowed her eyes. "Why am I wearing a dress?"
"Because you're not a pyjamas and sweat pants kind of woman," Jane said. "You're a classy lady and it's time you started acting like that again."
"Which dress?"
"What?"
"Which dress am I wearing?" She ran her hands down the front of her dress and on across the skirt. "It's not my turquoise Chanel. That has a built in belt."
"I dunno," Jane said. "It's grey, and black. There's like black trims, or whatever you call them."
Maura's lips curved at the edges. She still felt sad, and lost, but for the briefest moment, she could picture herself in the mirror.
"Louis Vuitton." Maura sighed. "I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed wearing dresses."
"You forgot?" Jane scoffed. "A lady never forgets.
"Thank you," she said, grasping at her hand. She squeezed her fingers tightly. "Thank you for reminding me."
"Are you ready?" Jane asked, she let go of Maura's hand. "You need shoes."
"The red ones with straps," Maura said, recalling the exact pair. "They're in the Chanel box right at the bottom on the left hand side. They're actually Calvin Kleins, but when Angela reorganised my house, she threw out the box."
"Gotcha, red straps," Jane said, her voice faded as she disappeared into the closet. A moment later, she slipped the shoes onto Maura's feet. "How does that feel?"
She stepped forward, feeling taller, more elegant than she'd felt in weeks. She held out her arm and waited for Jane to hook her own around it. "Where are we going?"
"I have a whole day planned."
