Author Note: Thank you so much to you all for your interest and kind words. I've had a weird and busy few days - my car has taken up so much of time because it broke and I had to go to work, somewhere where you can't get easily without a car. Still not got it back, but hopefully tomorrow. I haven't had much time to sit down and write outside of watching a TV programme.


"Do you know what I see when I look at you?" Jane asked, lay on her back on Maura's bed.

Maura closed her eyes and sighed. "Please don't say I'm beautiful, again."

"Wasn't gonna."

She turned over and opened her eyes again, watching what she could only assume was Jane's chest rising and falling. "What do you see?"

The bed moved beside her. Maura reached out a hand, her fingertips collided with Jane's cheek. She trailed her fingers down to the bed, where Jane's hands cushioning her cheek against the bedsheets. "I see the scars of bravery. I see the eyes of a genius. I see the hands of a brilliant doctor. I see the lips of a woman I love more and more every day."

Closing her eyes again, Maura rolled onto her back, retrieving her hand from the space beside Jane's head. Her heart sped up. "Don't say that to me."

"Which part?"

She choked back the threat of tears. "That you love me."

"Why not? It's true."

"No." She pressed her lips tightly together. "It's not."

"Are you trying to say I don't feel what I feel?" Jane asked, her voice smaller than it was before.

Maura felt a level of guilt creep up. Her mind a maze of confusion. "I'm saying, it's not real."

"Why wouldn't it be real?" Jane's fingers brushed across her palm. "I love you, Maura."

"You don't," Maura said, pushing her hand away. "You feel guilty for what happened. You feel like you owe me something. You hate that you failed to protect me."

Jane's voice grew louder. Maura could sense her beside her, her breath hot against her ear. "Whether I feel guilty doesn't change the fact I love you."

"Yes. It does." Wringing her hands together, Maura edged away from the heat of Jane's body at her side. "There's a man sitting in a prison cell awaiting trial and you're hoping to God that he stays there because that's the only way you can feel better about what happened."

"I…" Jane's voice drifted off.

Maura filled the silence. "I don't blame you. I never have."

The silence continued, spreading out across the room, filling every crevice with a lack of comfort that filled Maura with dread. For many years' silence with Jane meant several things; they were eating, they were watching something, or they were mad at each other. Even when they were in the midst of a fight, it wasn't awkward. Lying there, she could sense the shift in mood, the tension sliced between their previously comfortable space. It was only when Jane's body moved closer, and her breath coated her ear again, that Maura turned her face.

"I loved you long before this, Maura," Jane said, running her fingers across her cheek. "I just never had the courage to tell you."

"No." Maura pushed her hand away and sat up. "You're just saying that. I don't believe you."

"But it's true." The bed shifted beside her. Maura slid her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. She didn't want her to move closer again. She didn't want to be part of the conversation any longer but she had no easy way of leaving the room quickly, so she stood and folded her arms across her chest, trying not to listen to the words as Jane spoke. "You amaze me every day since you were hurt. You act like nothing can touch you half the time, and the rest of the time I just see how much of a human you are, like everybody else."

"I don't want you to love me like this." She lowered her head. "I'm not worth it."

"You are worth everything."

The sound of Jane's voice had shifted. Maura turned and could just about make out the shape of Jane's body moving about, stood on the other side of the room.

"No." She stared at the top of the shape, hoping she could connect her eyes to Jane's, if only for the briefest of moments. "Stop talking like that. You don't want me. You don't want this life."

"What life, Maura? A life with you?"

The shaped moved. She tried to follow it but Jane moved too quickly. She turned her head but it was too late. Jane stood in front of her. The blur changed, and she could feel her body heat, smell her familiar scent. She went to turn around when Jane started talking again, her voice loud and confronting, right there.

"You kissed me first. Did you expect me to ignore it and move on? Pretend it didn't happen? If I didn't want this life, our life together, then I wouldn't be here."

Maura pursed her lips. "You shouldn't be here. You should be out enjoying yourself. You should be at quiz night with Frankie and Nina, and your mother."

"Frankie, Nina, Korsak and Kent want to come see you."

"I've already said no."

"They love you, too." The volume of Jane's voice decreased. "Not in the same way, obviously, but they want to come visit."

She shook her head vehemently. "No visitors."

"I don't understand why you don't want them to come."

"I don't want them to see me like this," Maura said, turning around again. "Nobody should have to see me like this."

A hand landed on her shoulder. Maura tensed up, a lump settled in her throat. "I see you like this, you let me."

"You're…" She sighed. "You're different."

"Why?" Jane stepped closer to her, her mouth against her ear again. "Because you've made it clear that you don't think I'm here for any other reason than guilt. If I'm only here because I feel guilty, why do you let me?"

"I…"

"Maybe I should go." Jane stepped away. Maura continued to stare ahead, away from Jane. "Since you don't want me here, either."

"I…" Maura began but she couldn't find the words she needed to explain how she felt. The absence of her presence made her heart ache. She knew she was still in the room, but she missed the proximity.

"I'll see you around," Jane said. "Or, I guess, I won't. I'll get Ma to check on you."

"But…" Maura said, turning around.

"Bye, Maura," Jane said, inching closer until her lips pressed against Maura's cheek. She lifted her hand up to the spot Jane vacated quickly.

"Wait."

Maura reached out and grabbed at whatever she could hold, her fingers wrapped around material and skin. She lifted her other hand up to join them and moved her fingers up Jane's arm until she reached her face. With a finger resting on Jane's lips, Maura leaned in close and brushed them with her mouth.

"This is where I'm confused," Jane whispered, her lips millimetres from Maura's.

"I don't want to be alone," she said, running a finger across the length of Jane's chin.

"You can't keep doing this, Maura." A hand covered Maura's, holding it steady against Jane's cheek. She could feel Jane tilt her head against her skin. "It hurts when you tell me you don't want me; you can't tell me you need me."

Maura dropped her hand and inched backward. "I don't know how to feel differently."

"I don't expect it to all go away."

"Don't go," Maura said, she could hear the strain in her voice, feel the shift of her throat.

"Maybe it's better that I do. We can get someone to come in and sit with you, so you're not alone."

"No." Tears pricked her eyelids. Maura brushed them away before they could fall. "Please."

Jane heaved a sigh. "Don't do the crying thing."

"I can't help it," she said, brushing fresh tears from her cheek. "I need you to stay."

What felt like the longest silence followed. Maura listened, trying to sense whether Jane was still there.

"Will you let me love you?" Jane asked, barely audible.

"I…"

"I don't expect a relationship, Maura. I know it's difficult for you at the moment, I don't want to put pressure on you. But I need you to let me love you. Can you do that?"

"I don't know."

She stepped in close again, moulding her palms to Maura's cheeks, holding her face steady. Maura stared directly in front of her. "I want to look after you. Will you let me?"

"And you won't leave?"

"No. I won't leave."

Covering Jane's hands, Maura leaned in and kissed her softly, trailing her lips across her mouth. She moved her fingers across her neck, sliding them down over fabric and across her breasts, over her fabric covered stomach and along the edge of her shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know," Maura said, edging across a patch of skin.

"Okay."

She tugged at the hem of Jane's shirt, pushing it aside as she tickled Jane's bare back with her fingers, stopping only as she reached the band of Jane's bra.

"I don't think you want to do that," Jane said, but she could hear the brief moan on the edge of her words. "I don't want you to regret it."

"I won't."

She leaned in closer, digging her fingernails back down across Jane's skin. She moved her face forward, burrowing it against Jane's neck, breathing in the scent of her body.

"Is this okay?"

Jane hesitated. "I don't know what this is."

"I..."

"Are you…wanting to have sex?"

"No," Maura said. "I just want to remember what you feel like."

"Then, yeah, it's okay," Jane said, relaxing against Maura's touch as she continued her exploration of Jane's body.

x

The room was dark when Maura woke, or that's what she surmised from the lack of colour when she opened her eyes. She couldn't make out the shape of Jane's body dozing beside her, but she could hear the gentle mew of her breath, could feel her moving as she brushed a hand across her arm.

"I love you too," she whispered into the dark.

She nuzzled her face against her neck and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She wanted to feel the depth of everything between them, she wanted to get lost in Jane's words. The last few months had been the hardest of her life and she didn't quite know how to navigate them; alone, with someone else, with Jane. Before, everything was different. She knew her feelings for Jane ran deep, she just didn't quite realise how far.

"I want to do this," she said, her words muffled by Jane's hair. "I just don't know how."

She untangled herself from Jane, lost in the darkness away from her warmth. She trailed her hands across to the end of the bed and lowered her feet to the floor. She stood up. She knew which side of the bed she'd fallen asleep on. She knew it was just a few feet to the bathroom door. Hands outstretched, she walked forward, shuffling her feet across the carpet, slowly, cautiously. She felt around her until her fingers collided with wood and a smile spread across her face.

"I can do this," she said, more to herself than anything.

She felt her way through the door, running her finger around the shower until her knees met the cool porcelain basin. When she sat down, tears coursed down her cheeks. Victory. Success. Her cheeks ached from the curve of her lips, forcing their way to her eyes. She'd been to the bathroom on her own before, but never in the dark, excepting once. She'd taken to avoiding liquids after a certain time so she didn't need to. It felt invigorating, like everything had suddenly changed.

Finishing up, she flushed the toilet and reached to her left, finding the sink. It didn't take long to wash her hands now that she knew where she was. The tricky bit was getting back to bed without colliding with something. She tried to remember what she kept around the bed, as far as she was aware Jane hadn't moved a thing, and if she could retrace her original steps, she'd be fine.

"Maura?" Jane shouted from the bedroom.

Maura skirted her way around the room, at the door she took the leap of faith across the carpet and hoped her legs would meet bed before too long. She stumbled forward onto the bed, laughing uncontrollably.

"I'm here," she said, reaching a hand out to Jane.

"You sound happy," Jane said.

She pawed across the bed sheets, on up Jane's arms to her face. Leaning in, she pulled her to her, kissing her for the longest moment until she pulled away, breathless.

"What was that for?"

"I peed, in the dark, on my own." Jane started laughing. Ordinarily it might have pushed Maura back down, but she joined in. "It's ridiculous, isn't it?"

"That you're happy you peed alone?"

"That I'm happy I managed it in the dark."

"I thought you'd be fine," Jane said. "Surely you pee in the dark anyway."

"I hit my leg on the toilet the last time I tried."

"You kissed me again."

"I know."

"You know it's confusing when you do that."

Maura sighed and gripped her hand. "I just need time. No pressure."

"So you get to kiss me whenever you want," Jane said. "But I've gotta ask permission? That doesn't seem fair."

"You don't have to ask permission. You can kiss me if you like. As long as there's no expectation connected to it."

She moved back, shocked by the lips pressing down on her lips, deepening the kiss as Jane's fingers trailed across her cheeks. She pulled back, breathing heavily. "Good."