Hey guys!
Whats this? A whole new chapter! And just in time for Valentines Day :) Or Singles Awareness Day. Whichever one you celebrate. Or don't celebrate. Yay!
So this chapter. THIS CHAPTER. OMG. I have written and rewritten this chapter so many times I nearly raged over it. Thankfully I just trusted my gut and left it alone for a while and when I went back to it I was extremely happy with what I had. A few tweaks here and there but it was such a good feeling to FINALLY get over this hurdle.
And before we carry on with the story, I just wanted to say thank you. I know I've said it a lot but truly I appreciate the time and effort you guys put in to not only sticking around and reading my mess of words for so long, but for also offering your comments and reviews. I apologize for not responding to them as timely as I should. There has just been a lot going on but I always find time go back to read your guy's comments. Whether they are long, short, friendly or critical, each and every one of your guy's opinions means a lot to me as both a writer and just as a person. So thank you.
I could go on and on but you're probably annoyed the story hasn't started yet SO, without further interruption-
Enjoy!
Edwin closed his eyes for just the briefest moment, inhaling a breath of clean air. The kitchen smelt of lemon drops. The floors had recently been mopped and the scent of cleaner lingered in the air, mixing with the mouthwatering aroma of the soup the sockhead had just made.
Edwin felt best opening this particular conversation here, in the kitchen, where they could have their privacy. It was far enough away from Bernice's prying eyes and for that he secretly prayed in thanks to whatever higher power was out there. If what he suspected to go down took place the least he could hope for was salvaging a little of their dignity by keeping the up and coming argument just between them. Getting Edd's mother involved was just a nuclear mistake waiting to happen.
"Eddward," He began by saying his full name, catching the way the sockhead's eyes lit up in response. "I need to know why you left."
The sockhead brought his free hand up to his face, palming his forehead before rubbing vigorously at his cheek. Edwin watched him closely, blue depths staring so intently his eyes could have fallen out from the sheer seriousness radiating in them. He wanted to know. He'd been dying to know since the day he received that wretched email. I'm not coming back, it had read. I'm starting my new life. Goodbye, possibly, forever.
God Edwin had hated that letter. He hated it so much he printed it out once just so he could burn it, but never had the heart to delete it. The damn letter hadn't given a single clue as to why he had left. One day Edd was talking about possibly leaving home, riding along the way on a full scholarship, and the next he was just… gone.
He remembered the fight they had before he left. It had been a rather nasty altercation involving the entire household, including Eddy for whatever reason. God what a nightmare evening that had been. A nice dinner with friends and family, including a sober Bernice, had been pulverized in the blink of an eye. Shit not only hit the fan, but the walls and the ceiling, busted out a window and damn near took a tooth out. Sweet Double D heading to the Big Apple? Preposterous, Edwin had called it. Financially impossible, Eddy had exclaimed. Bernice had only laughed in disbelief. The utter shock and betrayal that had filled Eddward that night had burned into Edwin's memory, along with the argument that shortly followed. Words had been exchanged, a few insults thrown and Bernice lost her freakin' mind when she threw her wine bottle across the room. The next day Eddward was gone, his papers packed and room tidied long before Edwin could even defuse the situation.
Eddward sighed, a slow and calculated exhale he hadn't realize he had been holding back. "What do you want me to say?"
Wow, two minutes in and a bubble of anxiety was already beginning to grow. He could feel it expanding in his gut, pressing firmly into what little patience the sockhead had remaining and Edwin could sense it just by looking at him.
"To tell you I was just out of my mind? To apologize?" He just couldn't help raising his voice. This felt like a long time in coming and the flood gates had finally been opened. "What is it that you want from me?"
"The truth, little one." Edwin said calmly. "Just the truth."
Edd began pacing, knocking Edwin's hands away when they reached out to offer him comfort. He could sense Edd's unease as if it were his own but when blatantly rejected he merely curled in the blanket. His chest was rising and falling in quick succession and the pounding in his head proved to serve him no good in this situation. Edd turned on him, hands pressed to his chest while his chrome blue depths sparked with something fierce in them.
"You want the truth. Is that really what you want?"
Edwin inclined his head, a gentle "Yes" escaping under his breath.
Eddward paced away from him, storming back over the sink. He didn't bother to draw back the little yellow curtain that blocked out the sunlight and instead stared at it angrily. His breath was hot on his lips, his tongue lashing behind his teeth with the urge to spit fire. The pressure was getting to him.
This entire situation was just a mad roller coaster ride. One minute he was at the peak of something good in life, so close to feeling some semblance of normalcy, when something- or rather someone- just had to go and ruin it. An endless cycle, it seemed. Of problem after problem. Peace! He wanted to shout. Am I just too damned to be given just a moment of peace? Anger surged through his system like a network of electrical currents. He could feel his patience waning. His control ready to snap. Whatever had happened to the cool calculating boy he used to be, he might not ever know. The man standing in his shoes was about ready to blow.
That ugly urge to suppress the truth crept on him once more, but like a man in a madhouse he yearned for the key in said truth that could ultimately set him free.
If Edwin wanted the truth then he could fucking have it.
"The truth Edwin." He spat rather venomously, fingers clutching at the edge of sink. "Is that I. Can't. Stand. It. Here."
Edwin stared directly at the back of Eddward's head. The room grew intensely silent, lost to the noise of the rest of the world. Only the howl of the wind from outside could be heard rattling tree branches against the window pane.
"I can't stand that woman." He snarled, twisting around to face the dancer; every inch of fury blazing brilliantly in his eyes. "I can't stand the bigotry. A loving mother to the world but to her very own son a blathering mess of incoherency and poor choices." He spat on the floor. "Just another dime in the bucket of change I've collected in respect to the idiocy I have been made to endure while here."
Edwin mentally stumbled back in shock. He hadn't expected this kind of reaction. It almost… scared him. This rage inside the sockhead was incredible, silencing him indefinitely. His jaw almost hurt with how tightly he clenched it, his fingers shaking as they curled even further into his blanket.
"Oh don't look at me like that." Eddward snapped. "You think you're so innocent. Pretending to know everything. Acting as though you know what's best for me. It's nothing but a sick game of Simon-Says, and, guess who's lucky enough to be playing Simon?"
Edwin eyes widening in shock, a look of revulsion shinning in them. "Eddward. Your blood pressure. Calm down-"
Eddward gawked. His blood pressure? Seriously?! Was that all he had to say?
Yup. Wrong thing to say. Edwin knew this the moment the sockhead turned on him, marching forward with his fists clenched at his sides.
"No! I'm through with pretending to be whatever it is you want me to be. Calm, demure, obedient." Edd was close to screaming. "I'm not a dog Edwin!"
"Edd-"
"For years I've been crushed beneath the boot of apathy by this one horse town. Whether worn by you, or mother, or even by the very essence of what makes Peach Creek. But do you see this?"
Edd shakes his head, rushing his ringers through his hair.
"No one sees it. Not my friends. Not my mentors. Not even you, who are 'supposedly' the best thing for me. All day, every day it is the same." Somewhere between a sob and a chuckle escaped past his reddening lips, the corners of his eyes filling quickly with tears. "No one sees how badly I break inside with every passing day; wondering when my life will begin, or if it ever will."
Edwin's gaze fell, landing atop of the table. Edd began tugging at his hair.
"I never thought I'd escape this endless cycle. I thought I would live and die here, in the same house, with the same people who- Kept. Me. Here!" Edd stomped his foot with every syllable. "I was nothing but a song bird trapped in a cage and I was sick of it. I was tired of playing along and pretending I was living when in reality all I was doing was existing."
A feeling of elation filled the sockhead, nearly knocking him off balance. Briefly he wondered if this was what authors had meant when they said the truth could 'set one free'.
"Do you know what kind of hell it is to exist without purpose?"
Edwin's eyes pinched shut. There was no need for him to answer.
"No. Of course you don't." Edd shoved the chair beside him further aside, his chest rising and falling in quick succession. "All you care about is yourself. You and mother are one in the same. You manipulate the people around you and focus only on what would makes you happy. That was your purpose. To use me to fulfill your needs. You all are nothing but selfish bastards and I had had enough of it."
Edwin gripped his blanket so tightly both his arms began to shake. The pounding in head had intensified, resembling the tight strike of a bow racing over a violin's chords. He couldn't bring himself to look Edd in the eye. Shock, disgrace, whatever you call it was coursing through him at that very moment. He could not believe the things Eddward was saying. Selfishness? Manipulation? If looks could burn, he would have singed a pair of twin sized holes ten feet deep into the tile floor.
"What? Having problems digesting this information?" Edd's sneer did not hide the contempt brewing inside of him.
"Eddward that is…" The dancer's heart was pounding in his chest. "That is enough."
No more. This was beyond his sense of reasoning. This confession was trending down a dark path he felt there was no return from. Uncharted territory with everything for him to lose. The dancer resisted the urge to ask, instead unraveling his fingers from his blanket in a bid to grasp at least some control over the situation.
"I don't want to hear any more of this."
Eddward openly scowled, the otherwise light features of his face darkening.
"You asked for this." His eyes flashed challengingly, in a manner so unlike him it caused Edwin to reel back once more. "You wanted the truth Edwin. Now can you handle it or not?"
Edwin growled, pushing aside his half eaten bowl of soup. He'd lost his appetite and his patience.
"Eddward Vincent I said that is enough."
"No. It is not. You wanted the truth so I'm giving it to you." Eddward felt empowered by his words. "It's about time it was said anyways."
"Double D!"
"Tch." The sockhead shook his head. "Don't you get it already? I'm not the little boy who used to follow you around and take orders all the time. I am my own man now. I've been that way since I left!"
Edwin rolled his eyes, still unwilling to look his beloved in the face even as an attitude of his own developed. "And a fine piece of work you turned out to be when you did."
"You're damn right I did." The sockhead retorted. "And I would do it again in a heartbeat."
Edwin forced his eyes to refocus on Eddward's face. It was difficult, taking in the lines of pain and frustration etched within his eyes but somehow he managed.
"What is wrong with you? You would leave your family in despair-"
"Again. All about how YOU feel. Not me. You!" Edd shrugged his shoulders. "Are you even listening to me? In a fuck-all situation like that, what do you expect me to do?"
Edwin shook his head, brushing a single palm through his dangling locks. "I… I don't-"
"I'll tell you." Eddward stepped brazenly forward, closing the distance between them. "You get on a plane and go. You just. Go." His eyes hardened. "I was going crazy Edwin. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I had no purpose. Once I came close to finishing school I thought maybe I would finally be granted the opportunity for a well needed change."
Edwin shook his head. Change. Direction. Balderdash.
"And amazingly, it came to me." Edd's eyes softened only the slightest at the memory. "The day I received that letter of acceptance to go to university in New York, I thought, 'this is my chance! I can go out in the world and really achieve something.' To make a name for myself and stray away from this… this… man made purgatory."
Edd glanced down at his hands. He spent a good deal examining every line and contour. They were so familiar yet so different. These were no longer the hands of a child who ran away from all of his problems. He had to steel himself. No more running.
"But you, mother, and Eddy held no reservation in tearing that dream to pieces. You called me a fool." He watched his fingers curl into the center of his palm. "Well I think it is you who are the fool Edwin. I left this place for a better chance in life and what I experienced from that is a lesson I refuse to take for granted.
"I met so many new people. Made amazing relationships and explored a whole new side of the world I never knew existed." His eyes fluttered shut, soft ebony lashes gracing the tops of his cheeks. "I finally knew what it felt like to be cared for by a mother." He thought of Mrs. Barr and her kind smile. "What a father might say when I needed solid advice." He thought of Ron too, and that little bushy mustache that twitched as he spoke. "And what it felt like to be held and worshiped as a friend, as an equal, and… so much more."
Edwin's eyes snapped up, something unbidden in them flickering to life. Jealousy? Fear? He didn't think it was ever possible for Edwin to be afraid. Edd's eyes filled to the brim with something unspeakable. Something only felt in the hearts of men in possession of that which was greater than themselves.
No. No he couldn't be. Edwin held his hand directly over his mouth, his stomach curdling fast. He felt nauseous but held firmly onto the belief it had nothing to do with his fever.
Edd's eyes squeezed shut. "I had a wonderful life there. I had space for mistakes and recognition for all of my work." His jaw ground tight before the tautness inside of him snapped. "And I let you take me from that!"
Edd slammed both of his fists onto the table. "You took me from Kevin!"
Edwin shot to his feet, the blanket falling from his shoulders. His eyes were wide, burning with fury. Kevin. That name… His teeth ground together tightly. All of Eddward's talk of lovers and friendship. He should have known.
"You… you…" Edwin's eyes misted over. "You're in love with him."
Edd's eyes popped open, momentarily caught off guard. He backed away from the table, suddenly feeling small in Edwin's towering presence. He'd never seen such vulnerability in the dancer's gaze before. It was haunting and sobered the sockhead in an instant. He had trailed off into a much needed rant, fueled by the torrent of emotions that had festered in him for so long. Now, however, he was at a loss for words.
"W-what?"
Edwin stepped towards him and the sockhead stumbled back, bravado no longer present. Edwin grabbed him by the shoulders, dragging Edd close as their wild gazes met. Edd couldn't help but notice how close they were now, the warmth of the other man's body leaking waves of heat over him. Edd felt both encompassed and trapped but made no move to remove him. Those eyes of Edwin's looked horrifically familiar, causing his heart to come to a stuttering halt in his chest. He'd seen that very look of betrayal before. It was intense. Verifiably frightening and heartbreaking.
"You love him. Don't you?"
Edd's entire frame shook. It was the very same look Kevin had when he discovered Todd had been in his bed.
He couldn't look away. Those eyes burned directly through him, flesh and soul. Edwin's grasp tightened, fingers digging to the point of bruising. There was no reaction for Edwin to gauge. Just an overwhelming silence that hung between them.
"Answer me damnit!"
Edd flinched but a quick inhale steeled him against the look of fury in the dancer's eyes. Edwin was on the verge of collapsing, his knees having lost any and all desire to remain standing.
"Do you love him?!"
Edd summoned every ounce of will he had and returned to Edwin his own look of indignation that confirmed Edwin's biggest fear.
"And what if I do?"
Edwin shook his head in disbelief. This was impossible. How could this have happened? How could his little love have fallen so far away from him? He felt numb through and through, unable to recognize the pounding in his chest from his own heart. He was devastated. Edd loved another. He was a fool not to have seen it before. The illumination in his eyes whenever he talked about that guy was nearly impossible to miss. Impossible!
He had tried in vain to lie, not only himself, but to Edd as well; to squash any and all suggestion that Edd wanted something more. Who was he kidding? The kid was practically screaming it at the top of his lungs and all Edwin had done was stand there with his fingers in his ears. In the end this inevitability came to fruition, tearing in two what might have once been something beautiful, something tangible and precious.
Now, it was nothing. Edd had released him.
Edwin dropped to his knees. He couldn't feel the impact of the tile floor when his knee caps collided with it, the pain a simple after thought in the wake of this devastation. Edd caught his arms but he hadn't the strength to hold the man up. His heart ached, his mind now swirling with thoughts of Kevin like a cyclone. This talk of love had oddly found him elated, as though a weight worthy of recognition had suddenly been lifted from him.
Edd grasped the hands digging into his arms and pried them off. Edwin's right arm fell to his side lifelessly but Edd held onto his left, fingers entwining and holding that hand close to his heart. Edwin's head fell. The fire of his fever crept slowly from the back of his mind, igniting his entire body in a rushed wave of heat and nausea.
Edd grit his teeth together, his voice cracking as he spoke.
"I loved you once. I did." He gripped Edwin's hand tightly. "And I still do but… I realized some time ago that that love can never grow so long as we remain so firmly planted in the past."
Edwin remained silent and unwavering. He made no move to show he understood or heard what the sockhead had said. It hurt but Edd stayed firm, releasing the dancer's hand and watching as it fell uselessly back to its owner's side.
"I have chosen my path in life. I choose to forge a road that will lead me from this place, to a glorious future. That while uncertain will be created by my own two hands. However I want. With whoever I want."
Eddward stepped away, his casted shadow shrinking as he moved further from the kitchen light, leaving Edwin to his own devices at the center of the kitchen floor.
"I determine my future. Not the sins of my parents, not the sins of my past. Not even you."
Edwin completely collapsed then, falling face forward into the lemon scented tile and weeping silent curses. Beside him his blanket fell and he clutched onto it like a life line, eyes fluttering shut against the hot and angry tears burning in them. Somewhere off in the distance the rumble of a motorcycle's engine sprang to life in his ears like a mighty dragon's roar and yet he became deafened to it. He cursed the world. He cursed Eddward and his capitulation but most of all he cursed that bastard red-head for having stolen the only good thing left in Edwin's ever darkening world.
Ok, so, ouch. That had to hurt.
Man it really killed me to write this. As you guys might know I've grown attached to Edwin, much like a kid grows attached to an asshole cat. But it was a long time in coming. Perhaps one day Edwin will find his own happiness. Who knows? Some day in the not so distant, probably near future? *shrugs* We'll see.
So what did you guys think about it? Let me know! Until next time, stay fabulous.
Ciao!
**Fun fact: Or rather not so fun fact. When I opened the document that held all of my writing for this story, out of the 341 pages I've written, all that loaded up were 88. I about had a freakin' heart attack. I already lost one of my kevedd stories to the mysterious beyond that is my computer I was NOT about to lose this. Thankfully I reopened the file in another file (insert techno babble) and found all 341 pages. Hallelujah!
