Chapter 21: Paranoia
"So, it's 50% drinking game, 50% life-size Candy Land... Well, it's more like 75% drinking, 20% Candy Land, and by the way the floor is molten lava... It's actually 90% drinking and then it's got a loose Candy Land-like structure to it." - True American drinking game, New Girl
"Why didn't you just Floo or Apparate? You could've saved me a lot of climbing through the bushes to get to you!"
"I gotta tell you, Hermione, I've never minded climbing through any bush."
Malfoy sighed irritatedly. "Shut up, Theo. I told you, Granger, we had to stop by the liquor store, and they had no Floo. And we were worried that if we Apparated, Potter's wards would have repelled us and left us on our arses in the middle of the carnivorous paparazzi that have camped outside the house."
Hermione grumbled "bloody Slytherins" to herself, and glanced down to make sure the Invisibility Cloak was safely bunched up in her hands. Harry wouldn't be happy if she tore it after borrowing it to sneak Malfoy and Theo in.
Before long, she spotted the opening to Harry and Ginny's backyard. With a relieved sigh, she hurriedly crawled towards the source of light, and once she was free of the dense vegetation, she stood up on aching legs and waited for the other two to come through.
Still unnoticed, Malfoy emerged first, scowling and clutching the paper bag of liquor defensively as he straightened his legs to stand. Theo followed quickly, faking a choking cough and asked loudly, "Did you have to fart in there, Draco? The ventilation isn't exactly fantastic you know!"
Well, that caught Harry and Ron's attention.
The barbecue crackled menacingly as the two sides stood off rather dramatically. The Gryffindors over the grill, the Slytherins by the thick bushes. Hermione was standing somewhere in between them, wringing the Invisibility Cloak, wondering idly how much the twigs in Malfoy's hair looked like devil's horns.
Then he clucked and drawled cockily, "Well, well, if it isn't Scarhead and his red sidekick."
"Malfoy!" chided Hermione sharply, giving him a glare while he shrugged and gave her a look that asked "what did I do wrong?".
"Ah, the slimy Slytherin gits are here at last," shot back Harry, aggressively brandishing a pair of tongs over the merry fire on which two steaks were roasting.
Hermione frowned. "Harry! Really! Be civil, all of you!"
Theo rolled his eyes, stalking over to the ice bucket and grabbed a beer. "C'mon, Hermione, don't you miss the good old Hogwarts days with all that delicious house rivalry? Merlin knows I do. I'm not gonna lie, I always wank over - Shit! Malfoy! Stop hitting me on the head!"
Ron actually looked mildly amused, and Hermione said by way of explanation, her fingers fluttering in his direction. "That's just Theo, you'll get used to it."
The squeak of the patio doors alerted them to the presence of the lady of the house, who skidded to a halt when her eyes alighted on the five of them. "Damn, you really are fine, Draco Malfoy."
Ron's ears turned red, and he poked at the steaks in exasperation. "Really, Ginny. Flirting with Malfoy isn't the best thing to do in front of your fiancé, your older brother and his girlfriend."
Nerves, shock and plain awkwardness all bundled into one and ran down her spine like ice cubes. Girlfriend? Before Hermione could panic, Ginny cut in smoothly with a snort.
"Pah!" she said dismissively, levitating a tray of crockery towards the picnic table. "Girlfriend my arse, Ron. I bet they haven't talked about dating exclusively yet."
Suddenly, everyone's eyes were on her. She squirmed. "What? Was that a question?"
Ginny winked. "It might have been."
Hermione heard Malfoy grumble "nosy Gryffinbores" under his breath, and before anyone could ask anything else, she turned on her heels and headed purposefully towards the house. "Come on, Malfoy, let's put that vodka into the freezer."
She heard Theo chuckle. "I bet that's not the only thing that you'll be putting into -"
"THEO!"
Damned Ginny was actually laughing with him! Harry and Ron were trying not very hard to not snicker. Thanks guys, she thought. With a disgruntled shake of her head, she reached out to grab the paper bag in Malfoy's hand and stomped into the kitchen.
"You look a bit flushed, Granger," said Malfoy teasingly as he closed the patio door behind him. "Surely the Weaslette's comment didn't bother you... or did it?"
Hermione snorted as she walked around the dining table to get to the fridge. "Of course not!"
"And Theo's?"
"Nope," she replied easily. "He might be crass but I know he means no harm. And he's a great icebreaker, I'll have to say. Can you believe that he's already made the three of them laugh? Once you two get going they'd pee their pants."
"Well, that's a pleasant sight to imagine," drawled Malfoy with a wrinkle of his nose. "By the way, I thought tonight was supposed to be pizza night?"
"Harry just bought the portable barbecue and he was really eager to try it out," she explained. "So we're leaving pizza for another night."
Opening the fridge door, Hermione frowned at the tightly packed space. There was certainly no room for two bottles of vodka.
Malfoy walked up behind her and suggested, "Put it in the freezer if there's no room. There's nothing worse than warm vodka."
"I can't believe you got two bottles," said Hermione as she tucked them both into the compact freezer, next to a big bag of frozen peas. "Planning to get wasted again so soon?"
Reaching behind her, Malfoy closed the freezer door, and she shivered at the last puff of cold air that escaped. "Well, how drunk I get will be proportionate to how awkward this evening turns out to be."
She grinned. "I guess there's always drinking games to fall back on if we have nothing to say to each other."
He gave her sly smile in return, one hand finding the small of her back and pulled her towards him. "I think there's something else I'd rather fall back on, Granger."
"Horny bastard," she chastised half-heartedly, her hands coming up to rest at the bend of his arms, right where the sleeves of his casual blue shirt were rolled up to.
Malfoy proceeded to smirk in a most unholy way, leaning his forehead against her and murmured against her lips. "As if you weren't touching yourself last night while thinking about me."
Her cheeks prickled with heat. "Malfoy!"
He let her fists pummel his chest indignantly for a moment or two before he gathered up her wrists in his much bigger hands, and wrapped her hands around the back of his neck. Then he leaned down, kissing her sweetly. A small sigh escaped her as he snaked between her lips and slid against the sensitive tip of her tongue, and she swore she could feel Malfoy grin into the kiss.
Arrogant bastard.
Hermione disengaged her right hand from the nape of his neck, and sneakily, down it went, over the back of his expensive shirt, brushed past his leather belt, and... Voila! Squeezed his denim-clad butt cheek hard. A giggle bubbled out of her when Malfoy broke the kiss to let out a strangled choke of surprise.
Her left hand had just made its way down south when Ron whined from the patio, slapping his hands over his eyes. "Oh bloody hell, I just wanted more beer, I didn't want to see that!"
With a laugh, Hermione glanced up at Malfoy. "I think he might need some of that vodka now."
Ginny was extolling the virtues of the Chudley Cannons' uniform over loud protestations from Theo (whose father owned the Tutshill Tornados) and from Harry (who simply didn't want to hear his fiancée talking about "tight buns bent over broomsticks"), when a loud crack of electricity startled Hermione into dropping the sweet potato she was devouring onto her lap.
"What on earth was that?" she asked, her wide eyes sweeping across the small backyard.
"The wards," replied Harry. "Must be some idiot photographer trying to break in again."
Hermione chewed guiltily on her bottom lip. "I'm so sorry, you guys, I had no idea they would camp outside your house too."
Ginny reached across the table, over an almost empty platter of half-eaten steak and chicken bones, and patted her hand reassuringly. "It's not your fault, 'Mione."
She turned to Malfoy, who was sat next to her, and asked, "Is there something you can do about it?"
"We could apply for a super-injunction," he said, sucking on a finger covered in barbecue sauce. "But that could take months."
Theo piped up from the other side of Malfoy. "Why don't you do what Muggles do, and send them a sex tape? Then you would have left absolutely nothing to their imagination and they would have nothing to write about."
Sitting opposite him, Ron choked hard on the mouthful of beer he was just trying to swallow. "Honestly, Nott! Do you have to say things like that in public?"
Theo grinned, leaning back on his chair triumphantly. "Just saying, it worked for me."
Malfoy snorted. "Of course it did, because all you could see on the bloody tape was your hairy arse. It's enough to throw anyone off your trail for life."
"All I can say is it was effective," said Theo, standing up. "Right, I'm gonna go make myself some more bangers. Who else wants seconds?"
"I want some veggie sausage please," said Hermione with her hand up.
"And I marinated some ribs, they're in the fridge. Could you get those too?" asked Ron, who was too preoccupied with his steak to get up.
"Surely the Boy Wonder has some tricks up his sleeves?" said Malfoy when Theo had left the table. "Didn't they hound you and the Weaslette for years?"
"Well, they stopped after I hexed a few of them, but of course, that landed me in court with a hefty fine," sniffed Ginny resentfully.
"And we used Polyjuice," said Harry. "But it wasn't really an everyday solution."
Ginny nodded in agreement made a face. "Just come clean about it. We came out as a couple about two months after the first reports. I wish we had done that earlier, to be honest. Trust me, it's the speculation that sells papers. No one's really interested in what happens after."
After a brief pause, the future Mrs Harry Potter added slyly. "But of course, you can only do that once you've decided if you really want to be together."
Malfoy sighed loudly and grunted. "You know what? This conversation is getting a little bit too personal."
Hermione smiled at that, even though she agreed. "Well, I suppose this is where the vodka comes in for the purpose of deflection. Who wants to play Paranoia?"
Ginny misjudged the distance between the two of them, and smashed her forehead against Hermione's temple, which made her groan in pain.
"I'm so sorry, Hermione! I was just too excited about this question," she laughed tipsily, rubbing the small bump forming on her forehead. Grabbing Hermione's arm, she pulled her close and whispered in her ear, "Who do you think is most likely to have used Viagra?"
Her eyes widened in horror while Ginny grinned proudly, and sat back with Harry's arms around her. "Gin! You can't ask that!"
"Why not? That's hardly the worst question from this evening," she protested. "Now hurry up!"
"I'm definitely curious about this one," declared Theo, his fingers wrapped around the thin neck of a bottle of red wine Harry managed to find after all the vodka ran out.
"It couldntabe worse than your question, Malfoy," slurred Ron, pointing an accusing finger his way, slumped bonelessly on an armchair nearest to the fireplace.
Malfoy quirked an elegant eyebrow, but Hermione could tell he was more than tipsy by the way his arm was draped around her shoulders, his fingers grazing her collar bone every now and then. "What? I asked who is most likely to shag McGonagall, it's a legitimate question."
Harry snorted. "No, you asked who is most likely to shag McGonagall and Snape at the same time and enjoy it."
"By the way, I'm glad you thought that I was most suitable for this particular task, Weasley," said Theo, saluting the redhead. "So flattered."
"Come on, 'Mione! Let's keep the game moving!" urged Ginny, her eyes glinting mischievously.
Heaving a big sigh, Hermione rocked her brain for a new question while trying to figure out the answer to Ginny's. She glanced briefly at Malfoy, who returned it with an easy grin. Oh yes, she was going to pay him back with that horrid question about licking chocolate off a certain body part he made her answer.
Pushing herself up so that she was kneeling on the sofa, she leaned over to Malfoy, but he called, "Paranoia!" before she could whisper the next question in his ear.
He grabbed Theo's bottle and took a big swig as per the house rules, before turning to Hermione. "Well? What was the question?"
She smirked, and his self-assured grin faltered. She had never used his favourite facial expression against him before. "Ginny asked who I think is most likely to have used Viagra."
Harry and Ginny's guffaws were thunderously loud, while the others looked on in confusion.
"What's - Viagra?" asked Ron, the word sitting uncomfortably on his tongue.
"It's a drug," replied Hermione, trying hard to keep a straight face while holding Malfoy's eyes. "That men take to get aroused."
The silence that fell upon the room was almost suffocating.
Hermione blinked in feigned innocence and ploughed on. "You know, it's for men who can't get it up - Malfoy! What are - put me down! Malfoy!"
Amongst the raucous laughter, Ginny's voice rang out. "The guest room is the first one you see when you go up the stairs!"
Hermione didn't know whether to laugh or slap him as Malfoy marched determinedly up the stairs, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. So instead, she teased, "Someone's a little insecure about themselves."
"Insecure? Oh no, Granger, that's the last thing I am," he replied smoothly, running a wicked hand up the bare expanse of her thigh, making her breath hitch.
"You seem rather desperate to prove it," she retorted.
Reaching the landing, he kicked a door open and walked into the room like he owned it before nudging it shut.
"The only thing I'm proving tonight," he began, but then stopped at the edge of the bed to toss her gently onto the mattress, making her dress ride up. "Is that you are wrong."
Sliding over her, he palmed the back of her left hand before bringing it up to his face, pressing half-opened lips against it. Her lips fell open as she breathed heavily, and she said defiantly, "I'm never wrong, Malfoy."
He watched her with dark eyes, his smile widening. Then he said with absolute conviction, "We'll see about that, Hermione."
Witch Weekly
20th July, 2004
Early lovebirds get the worm! Draco and Hermione enjoy intimate breakfast
Millionaire Draco Malfoy has been spotted having an early breakfast with new girlfriend Hermione Granger at an intimate eatery in Muggle London. Hermione wore a simple t-shirt and shorts ensemble, a far cry from the glamorous dresses that she is famous for designing. This magazine was the first to break the news the Hogwarts alumni's romance which blossomed at the wedding of Pansy and Blaise Zabini...
Daily Prophet
26th July, 2004
The Food of Love: Draco and Hermione shop at supermarket
Draco holds girlfriend Hermione's hand as they shop at a Muggle supermarket near her flat in Wandsworth Town. They were seen picking up several cheeses and a bottle of wine, no doubt for a romantic dinner at home...
Malfoy International Corporation (MIC)
Press Release
1st August 2004
Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger apply for super-injunction
After weeks of the intrusive and insensitive media furore centred on Mr Malfoy and Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy has decided to apply for a super-injunction to protect their privacy. Mr Malfoy strongly advises all media bodies to cease their incessant reporting as of today or else face ruthless legal action once the super-injunction is granted by the Wizengamot...
Daily Prophet
8th August, 2004
Doubling the Fun! Hogwarts quartet goes on double date
Draco and Hermione were snapped going on a fun-filled double date with newly weds Pansy and Blaise Zabini, who look bronzed from their three-week honeymoon in Italy. Bestie Draco lent his late father's house to the Zabini's, which is reported to be in Positano on the Amalfi Coast, after their wedding earlier this month...
Witch Weekly
14th August, 2004
Draco Snaps!
Draco Malfoy unleashed his legendary temper on photographers who were following him into a cafe today, firing off a torrent of ruthless hexes, including one that stripped a Daily Prophet journalist down to his boxers. Mr Malfoy has been issued a warning for common assault. But, my oh my ladies, doesn't Draco look delicious with his hair tousled and shirt wrinkled after all that tantrum throwing?
".. Fucking cap-wearing lowlife, arse-licking -"
"Malfoy!" hissed Hermione. "People will hear you!"
She felt her blood pump faster with each click of the camera on the next table, made invisible by a Disillusionment Charm. She recognised the photographer who worked for Witch Weekly, poorly disguised in Muggle clothes that looked like they were from the 1960s.
"Let's just go back to mine then -"
Malfoy glared at her, almost as viciously as he was stabbing his roast chicken that had long gone cold. "No. We will not run away from them. It's a matter of principle. The media doesn't control my life, I control it. I fucking control it."
"Well, you obviously aren't in control of this situation," she snapped back.
"I could be. I know this hex that will put a scorpion in his pants -"
"No. You've already been issued a warning for assault," said Hermione with a sigh. She felt her eyebrow twitch at another click of the camera. "How is the super-injunction coming along?"
Malfoy snorted, raking his fingers through his hair irritably. "It's not going anywhere because the Wizengamot is a bunch of useless old farts with warts for eyes."
She was so used to his explicit imagery that she didn't even bother to reprimand him anymore. "Well, I suppose we just have to be a bit smarter about all this."
"Got any ideas, O Brightest Mind Hogwarts Has Ever Seen?" he asked sarcastically.
"Don't use that tone on me, Mr Malfoy."
He huffed tiredly and rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes. She felt her glare soften, realising that her brow actually ached from all the frowning she had been doing lately. She reached over and gripped his hand, not caring that the photographer was having a field day right at this moment. She watched as his lips, which had been pulled way too thin lately, relax into a small smile.
"You'd better be as smart they say you are, Granger," he said finally.
"Maybe I really am overrated," she mused, cocking her head to one side. "Considering the fact that I'm going out with you."
"You know you love it, Granger," he smirked, then proceeded to prove his point with a very public display of affection.
Jack Rogers was having an exceptionally outstanding day.
The prints from last night's dinner outing were a great success. It wasn't even that complicated an assignment, other than the part where he had to find Muggle clothes to wear (he'd eventually resorted to Transfiguring his robes into a Muggle outfit he saw in the papers).
A photo of Draco Malfoy snogging Hermione Granger - in public, no less - meant a very handsome bonus for him. And he had about ten of them, a promotion was almost an inevitability. In fact, he was so certain about it that he'd gone ahead and splurged on a little treat for himself while his wife was away on a business trip.
The blonde was currently putting on her obscenely high shoes, giving him a saucy wink whilst bent over. He retrieved the developed prints and tucked them safely in an unmarked brown envelope before joining her at the door.
"Thanks for last night, darling," he grinned.
The most expensive tumble in the sheets he ever had smiled and simpered, her hand lingering on his chest. "Just owl me the next time your wife is out of town, handsome."
Jack nodded, then opened the door to let her out.
And suddenly, it both sounded and looked like a million firecrackers were going off right in front of their faces.
Daily Prophet
24h August, 2004
The Wrath of Draco Malfoy
In an unexpected move that has sent the wizarding world's photographers running for cover (literally), Draco and Hermione have managed to thwart the relentless media attention. House elves under the protection of Hermione's long-established charity S.P.E.W. have been deployed to turn the tables on the paparazzi, following their every move on camera which is then published in a freely distributed paper with an accompaniment of mocking commentary.
For instance, Jack Rogers, a well-known photographer at Witch Weekly, was revealed to have cheated on his wife of eight years by way of a billboard advertisement showing the moment he was caught on film with a blonde prostitute. Mr Malfoy is said to have offered to pay for Mrs Rogers' divorce proceedings and has described Mr Rogers as "an arse-licking, cap-wearing lowlife"...
Malfoy International Corporation (MIC)
Press Release
3rd September 2004
Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger granted super-injunction
The Wizengamot has granted Mr Malfoy and Miss Granger protection under a five-year super-injunction. Any paper that is found to possess or to publish photos taken without the authorisation of the two will feel the full force of the law...
"It's too bloody cold for September."
"I love it when you swear, Granger," replied Draco, rearranging his scarf to keep the wind out because it was indeed too bloody cold for September.
She turned her head to give him a pointed look from under her bangs. "I wish I could say the same. It would be so much easier to like you in the first place."
He let his lips curl up at the snippy comment. "Am I imagining it, or are you starting to talk like a prickly old grump not unlike myself?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she sniffed. "I'm a bagful of sunshine and positivity."
A particularly strong gust of wind blew past, making the shop windows rattle. Draco winced and instinctively pulled Granger close to shield her from the cold.
"Being the narcissist that I am, I'll have to admit that you have become even more attractive to me by acting like me."
Granger let out a mocking 'ha!' before shaking her head. "If I had acted like you, I would have just sulked and moaned about the paparazzi like the spoiled prat you are, and we would have still had them on our backs."
"Interesting," he hummed. "Granger fishing for compliments. Which is, by the way, a very Malfoy trait."
Granger grunted and slapped him on his chest. "I wasn't fishing for compliments! Even if I was, you're the last person I'd expect to give me one."
Draco feigned a horrified look. "What are you talking about? I compliment you all the time!"
She scoffed. "The last time you said anything vaguely complimentary was last week, when you said it was amazing how my hair was so big that it was capable of smothering you in your sleep."
"It was a compliment," he insisted. "Because it means that you are well-equipped to weather the storm of middle-aged hair loss."
She rolled her eyes. "As if you'd worry your pretty little head about something that wouldn't be an issue for another thirty years!"
Draco smiled and planted a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm a businessman, Granger. I tend to take the longer-term view on everything I am involved in."
The words sank in, for a moment or two, perhaps even more for him than for her. Another sharp blast of autumn wind brought about a flurry of orange leaves that swirled around their ankles, and he watched them for a minute as they strolled on slowly down Diagon Alley.
Eventually, she shook her head and craned her neck to look at him with smiling eyes. "You are one strange man, Draco Malfoy."
"I know," he agreed. "I did fall for you, after all."
A/N: Paranoia is probably my favourite drinking game - it's always hilarious! I know I didn't make the rules that clear, but they really weren't the point anyway, so if you're curious just Google it!
Again, sorry for the late update my lovely readers, but as I've told you in the review replies I had eye surgery a few weeks ago, and I'm moving house for the second time this year in a few weeks AND going to Paris for a week soon so it's a crazily busy month for me! I'm not entirely sure that this was a good chapter, but this is the second last chapter folks! I always feel like my writing runs out of steam when I near the end of a story, so hopefully it didn't disappoint too much.
I really don't want to start writing the last chapter, but I'd be lying if I said that I'm not excited that I've almost finished this story, more than four years after I started it. And fret not, readers, I actually have been planning a couple of short stories which I will get round to writing after I finish this one.
I won't be releasing a preview of the next chapter since it is the grand finale, but please review as always :)
