Chapter three: In memoriam

Days passed during which Merlin ignored the empty chair at the Round Table. No one came to fill it… not the man who he needed to see most of all. Wasn't it enough he had lost Arthur? It broke his heart that Percival too did his best to not see the chair which had become a lone reminder of the man who had touched them with his spirited soul. Worse even to Merlin was the fact that he wasn't granted a goodbye. Why did destiny have to be so cruel to twist the blade in his already bleeding heart?

Even more days passed and Merlin still ignored the questions he was too afraid to ask. Instead he focussed on the council members and their remaining doubts about changing the laws on magic. Anything and everything at once to keep his mind from the growing pain of his last and now shattered hopes. Potion drop off rounds for Gaius, answers for Gwen to give the council, collecting herbs… they all were the distractions he needed. How could he even begin to grieve for another when he could barely accept Arthur was gone? No, he would just work and work.

Every now and then though he half expected Gwaine to come bursting into his chambers to brag about his latest conquest, or to drag him away from his chores and off to the local tavern. Once more Merlin swept the tears away, which fell silent at the memory of his dear friend. It was so unfair, but his heart needed to grieve anyway and there was nothing he could do to stop his emotions. Angry with himself Merlin dropped the herbs he was working with to walk out of the door. He never even noticed how behind him Gaius watched him leave with a frown and then a wry look of dawning understanding.

By some mercy no one in the hallways stopped him as he made his way to the answers. There was only one way to deal with his grief now and whether Merlin liked it or not, that was to face each question head on. Maybe once he knew what, or dare he think it who, had taken Gwaine away from this world would he be able to move on…

Heading outside Merlin hurried over to the training field, where the sound of swords clashing and knights talking greeted him. Leon spotted him at once. His friend welcomed him with a smile, but Merlin only nodded to him in turn when he passed him by. In a few quick strides he had reached the far end wall where Percival sat, polishing his sword. Merlin took a deep breath before he found the courage to finally ask, "Percival. There are some things I need to know about Gwaine. Can we talk in private somewhere, please?"


Days ago Percival had expected the question, but out here on the training field he got startled by the timing of it. One glance though told him the grief had hit Merlin just now. Unshed tears glistened in the corners of the sad, deep blue eyes. Emotions fought a path to the surface, but Merlin didn't release them.

The internal fight reminded Percival of what he felt when he found Gwaine. The sadness, the anger at the unfairness and his regret at freeing himself only when it was too late; it all bubbled back to the surface again. So Percival could only nod his answer. With a gesture of his head he told Merlin to follow him. Once he had closed the door of his chambers behind him and they both sat down Percival began to speak about one of the worst days of his life…

Gwaine and his big heart, which was what they had both loved about him. When Gwaine believed someone was treated unfair he would defend them. It was why he had offered a single survivor of a raid, named Eira, to take her back to Camelot with him. She had lost everything and needed his protection, or so everyone had believed at the time. But sadly Eira had betrayed them all. Too late they'd found out that she worked for Morgana and it had torn Gwaine's caring heart to pieces.

Percival remembered far too well how heartbroken his friend had been when Eira was hung for her betrayal of the King. Tears of silent sadness had spilled from Gwaine's eyes when he witnessed the sentence take place from a window, unable to look away from his misery. When he'd turned to Percival at last he had talked about taking his revenge out on Morgana and who was Percival to deny such a wish, especially when he agreed with it? So off they went together.

"We thought we had Morgana trapped, but once more she was a step ahead of us. Her magic threw me against the ground and I lost consciousness. When I awoke she had strung me up with ropes far above the ground. At first I didn't know if she'd gotten to Gwaine as well, but then I heard him scream in pain so loud. I have never heard a sound like it, Merlin. It must have ripped from his soul. Something she did made him just so scared and I fear that I failed him when he needed me to be strong."

Large, wet eyes looked back at Percival. There was no judgement in them, only a sense of dread and deep sadness. Merlin shook his head, "I am sure that you did everything you could for him. Morgana was powerful, Percival. Too powerful even for me and my magic at times. So please, don't blame yourself for her actions…"

Percival recalled how he had gathered his strength to pull at the ropes. Only on the second attempt did he find the power in his arms to break free and rip apart the binds. As a result he fell to his knees onto the forest ground. One blink of dizziness and he was back up and running. He dashed through the forest to get to Gwaine, allowing for nothing to get in his way. Branches snapped against his legs and bare arms, yet Percival pushed on and on. Less than a hundred yards he had to run, but it turned out too far and he had reached Gwaine's side too late…

By then his friend sat slumped over where Morgana had tied him down. The awful sight of quietness took his breath away for a moment, because for one heartbeat Percival believed that his friend had crossed the bridge between worlds. To make sure he knelt before Gwaine's broken form…

Everything around them paused at the soft sigh when he held his friend's face between his hands. Percival was stunned to find soft brown eyes blink up, alive in an echo of defiance aimed at the woman who'd tortured him. By some miracle Gwaine had managed to cling onto life by his always present and sheer stubborn strength of will. The hold though was too fragile, for his friend slowly faded from where they knelt regardless of the many times before when they had beaten the odds. Broken and defeated Gwaine sighed one last breath, "I have failed." The three words and the haunted look on his slack features were to forever stay etched on Percival's brain.

"Morgana somehow tore the truth about you going to Avalon from his mind and the forced confession broke his spirit. His last thought was of defeat, but it isn't true… it just isn't. Once she had him he never stood a chance, right? He was the bravest man I have ever known. It can't be that he failed Arthur. It just can't be… I won't accept it." Percival set his emotions free in front of the one man who could give him answers and who had understood Gwaine in the same way he had.


Merlin nodded through his tears. "Morgana must have used a nathair. The serpent itself is harmless, but use dark magic on it and it has the power to get to the truth, no matter how deep it is buried in a man's mind. Gaius once told me that she used one before. Elyan though had the fortune that he was in Camelot and she did not push him over the edge." Merlin paused for a moment to recall what Gaius had recited to him from one of his books on magical creatures.

"You were right, Percival. Gwaine was brave up to the end and no one should ever think any different of him. No mortal man stands a chance to fight the nathair for long. The fact Gwaine got pushed towards his death with so much pain means that he was strong enough to defy her magic and force the nathair to its limits. Nothing about the truth coming out anyway was his fault. It was all Morgana's doing. What she did to him…" Merlin faltered at the full realisation of the amount of anguish Gwaine had suffered.

A sad, but satisfied smile broke through Percival tears. "But she is no more and got what she deserved in the end." Merlin grinned at the way the words of spite were blurted out by a knight who in any other case was gentle at heart.

Wiping at his tears Merlin nodded his head in a hesitant answer. It pained him still to know that he was the one to kill her. "A high priestess of the Old Religion can only be killed by special means and when she threatened Arthur once more I had to do it."

A pause of silence fell between them until Percival broke it with a shaky sigh. He reached into his belt pouch and retrieved something Merlin could not see at first. When the knight opened his palm though he recognized the now broken silver necklace Gwaine had worn for as long as Merlin had known him.

"I found his necklace in the grass. She must have torn it off of him. Merlin, I believe that Gwaine would have wanted for you to have it. He told me once that it reminded him of where he came from. Said you would understand what it stood for." Percival shook his head, "I don't know why, but it upsets me for the things we never said…"

Percival dropped the necklace into his stretched out hand. Once Merlin had caught the precious gift he curled the silver pendant up in his fist to accept it with a wry grin. "Our friend was of noble blood, Percival. This crest and ring… they are all what's left of his family. He never wanted Arthur to know for he insisted blood made no difference."

"Typical, after everything he said about nobility… and yet I understand his reasons. He walked his own path in life, made his choices for better or worse, never fearing the odds when he believed he did the right thing." Percival grinned. "Seems only right then that the man who knew about his secret keeps it safe."

"Thank you… I will." Done with the bad memories Merlin pushed back his chair. "You know what we should do? We should go to the tavern and order a round of mead in Gwaine's name. I don't know about you, but I could do with a drink and what better way to honour his memory?"

His offer met with an enthusiastic nod and a shy wink, "Are you buying this time?"

With an amused shrug Merlin accepted, after all it was his idea and so he had to pay for it. There was one thing he needed to do first though. "Why don't you go get the others? I will meet you all there. I better let Gaius know where I am this evening."


The moment Merlin faltered before he ran out of his chambers Gaius knew what was going on. Ever since he returned his surrogate son had aged with a wisdom born out of grief. Sadness was a constant presence in Merlin's eyes now, even when he smiled and joked around with the knights. Gaius knew it all came down to the loss of the man they called his other half, but there was someone else on his mind as well; Gwaine…

Sitting down on a workbench Gaius contemplated the way Merlin had ignored the second loss. It had been as if he'd put up a wall, just to be able to keep himself up on his feet and not fall apart. The celebrations for the freedom of magic were overshadowed by the absence of the most open hearted man they had ever known.

Gaius had sometimes wondered if Gwaine knew about Merlin's magic, but he could not be sure and so he stayed silent. Merlin was fearful to share his secret for reasons Gaius could only guess at. Did his ward worry that Gwaine would walk away? Or was he afraid the brave knight would protect him just like Lancelot had done? Gaius knew that some place deep down Merlin was still torn about the sacrifice the noble knight had made.

But even so he sensed Gwaine was different. The roguish and sometimes hot tempered knight had a deep sense of loyalty, a need for a place to belong and a fear for failure. In many ways both Arthur and Merlin leaned upon his strength. It almost amused him how none of the three friends were aware they did so.

Several seasons ago Gaius' eyes had fallen upon a druid prophecy, which claimed the three had an entwined destiny. It claimed their triad friendship was the strongest of all and it would last through time. The day he read it none of them had even met Gwaine, so being the silly old man he was he had ignored it and got on with why he was in the library to begin with. Now for the life of him he could not remember which book it was. It was a shame really, because Gaius came to believe there was some truth in it after all.

Each time when Gwaine had stumbled into their shared chambers, at any time of the day, Merlin's eyes lit up. Gaius had never wanted to know about the mischief the two men were up to. All the same though he always stayed behind with a smile over their friendship. Camelot would never be the same without Gwaine; that was for sure.

Gaius looked up when the door opened and Merlin came inside. There was a small smile on his face at last as he walked over. "I am sorry for being such a misery guts lately."

With a gesture of his hand Gaius told him it didn't matter and that he had understood how his ward had needed space.

"I talked to Percival and it helped."

"I am glad", Gaius smiled when Merlin sat down by his side.

Looking at his hands Merlin said, "Of all the ways he should leave this life… why did it have to be this way? Why did Morgana have to break his heart first?"

The questions had Gaius narrow his eyes. He thought back to the day when Percival returned to Camelot with the sad news of Gwaine's death. The tall knight had been so devastated that no one had pushed him for more. Something awful had happened alright, about this he had no doubts, but what?

Gaius shook his head then to let Merlin know that he had no clue what his ward was talking about. "You are the first person Percival has opened up to. He only told us that Gwaine was brave until the end and how it was Morgana who took his life before he could stop her."

Dark blue eyes of heartbreak turned his way. "It was a nathair, Gaius. It tore the truth about where Arthur and I were going out of Gwaine before the pain killed him."

The soft spoken admission filled Gaius' heart with sadness. For a moment he didn't know what to say, but then he realised neither did Merlin. He pulled his ward in for a hug instead, "We will always remember Gwaine for the friend he was."

Merlin pulled free with a grin. "That is why we are all going to the tavern, to celebrate his life. Will you come along?"

The sudden enthusiasm had Gaius smile. It would indeed be a fitting way to say goodbye to Gwaine. "Maybe one tiny cup then. I don't think my heart can take a full tankard."

When Merlin's smile faltered Gaius looked at him sternly. "Enjoy your life for me, Merlin. My days may be drawing short, but it is only right for someone of my age. I have lived a full life, so don't you feel sorry for me. My knowledge will live on in you and that means more to me than you will ever know. Now get out… lead the way."

Gaius ignored the small twinge of pain in his heart while he ushered Merlin out the door and he followed him with a newfound peace, for he meant every word. Being a physician he knew that his old heart would fail on him soon, but until then he would enjoy the fact his ward succeeded in doing what no one else had. Magic was allowed back in Camelot and Gaius was happy to have lived for long enough to see it happen.