Chapter seven: Top of this place
The sun rose up higher by the time they ascended on the steep dirt path. Ever since Iseldir pointed out the hilltop to him Merlin had felt a bit on edge. Like always there was an aura of mystery to his friend, but today it seemed Iseldir was even more evasive than usual. From the moment he got woken up Merlin knew that the hill above the valleys was why they had come here. The story about Caridwen, Goddess of nature, only enhanced his feelings of nervous tension.
"Is magic the reason why you took me on this walk?" It could never hurt to try the direct approach, even though Merlin doubted whether he would get proper answers.
"You young people are always in a hurry to get answers to your questions, aren't you? Even when they are staring you straight in the face."
Merlin smiled wryly at the amused sounding answer, for he didn't share the feeling. What was the answer Iseldir pointed at and why did he avoid speaking it? The druid chieftain often had a reason behind the things he did. Most were not apparent and took a while to unravel. Only a few answers stood out clear as day to those who knew him. This one however left Merlin puzzled for several long breaths.
Even after four seasons of travelling with the druids Merlin never completely understood his friend's logic… and yet for once the reason dawned on him with one long glance at unguarded eyes. A tear betrayed Iseldir's sadness and acceptance of what he had seen coming. It almost felt like his friend expected to say a goodbye. Could it be?!
"No…" Merlin stopped walking. Shock caused his voice to tremble when he begged for the truth not to be so cold, "I can't… not again. Please, tell me it isn't so."
For a moment Iseldir stayed silent. A trace of determination sparkled into his eyes while his mind's voice came to Merlin. "The cycle of life is nature as well, Emrys. I do not fear it and neither should you. I did not take you up here to say goodbye, though in all honesty this will happen too. I came here to help you accept your fate."
Iseldir walked on and Merlin could only follow. Out loud the druid chieftain continued, "Goodbyes are a part of living. Your life won't end next summer, nor will it end a century from now. Our kind call you Emrys for good reason, and while you know it too you have yet to fully accept who and what you truly are."
This time Merlin's heartfelt question stopped Iseldir in his tracks, "What if I can't accept it, because I don't want any of this? I have never asked to be the one who always gets left behind by the ones he loves."
Knowing eyes held his for a moment; nothing but sympathy and kind patience looked back at him from within. "None of us asks for our fate, Emrys. Not you… and not I. We just are what we are."
With a sigh Iseldir sat down on the ridge. The summit lay at least a couple of hundred yards ahead of them. He felt too tired though and it saddened him knowing that he would not make it all the way up this time. Emrys' plea had cut straight to his heart and Iseldir felt lost for words at the pain barely concealed within them. Why had the Goddess come to him instead of someone else?
Patting the ground on his side he suggested for his friend to sit down as well. With some hesitation Emrys did as asked. After a while Iseldir found the words to his feelings, "I saw my parents burn at the hands of those who feared their magic, but I heard their voices in my mind when they helped me escape the same faith. One morning I held my wife as she died and in the evening I read a bedtime story to my eldest child. He now has three children and a beautiful wife. To my joy I have seen their grandchildren in my visions. Emrys, our lives may be ending one day, but before we leave we have touched those who come after us and in a small way we will live on in them. See the beauty of life, my friend. There is an unending cycle to it that can never be broken."
A tear escaped Emrys' eyes before he said quietly, "I will outlive everyone, my children included. How is any of this fair?"
Iseldir bowed his head in understanding. "It isn't, but when is life ever playing fair with any of us?" With a wry smile he looked up towards the top and then back to his friend. "When I am gone, go up there for me. Feel the sunshine on your face. Do not remember me with sadness, but with joy. Trust that we will meet again."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I have seen the future." Staring off into the distance he recalled how Caridwen came to him in a vision. She'd told him how Emrys had lost his way and that she had chosen Iseldir as the one to help the warlock find his path into the future. Flashes of the past and the future passed in front of his eyes to convince him. Iseldir had shrugged them off though, because he had not needed much persuasion to aid the friend he admired since even before they met. Emrys had freed magic and as such the world owed him a favour, or at least that was what Iseldir believed. So he'd told his Goddess the truth, "It would be an honour to serve him."
As if she sensed he was near the ghost of Caridwen appeared up on the path ahead, but this time she did no more than smile to him. Iseldir knew that she waited for him to follow her into the world beyond the life he had known. In fact, he could already feel himself fade away into a peaceful darkness. The time had arrived for him to put his tired body to rest, but there were a few more things he wanted to tell Emrys and so he fought his fate for a few moments longer.
"The world will change, my friend. Dark times will fall over your Camelot and it will never again be what it once was. Please, promise me that you will find your way in life. Travel, see what is out there and love those who walk the same path you do for a while. Hold them dear with all of your heart. Every man deserves to be loved."
"I am not so sure…"
Iseldir could not help but interrupt Emrys in his protest. "You will find the strength within you, trust me." His last words were almost whispered, but Iseldir was barely aware of it. As tiredness took a stronger hold of him he fell to the side and he got wrapped up in a pair of strong arms. Slowly he slipped away to the world beyond until with a final smile he looked towards Caridwen, "I am ready…"
He never felt how Emrys lowered him gently to the ground and closed his eyes to the world he had left behind. One stone at the time the cairn on top of his body got build. It marked the passing of a dear friend, a powerful druid, who was the leader of a tribe which would walk the Earth long after the day he left it. Son after son would continue a long line of druids… well into the 21st century.
For a long time Merlin stood on top of the Pen-y-Fan to look at the world below his feet with tears in his eyes. By the time the sun lowered in the sky a smile played on his lips at last. The deep, green valleys and the other barren hilltops around him were a sight to behold, but Merlin didn't stare at them anymore. He closed his eyes instead when he felt the magic rise from the earth and flow in the air around him. "Top of this place", the true meaning of the hill's name came to his mind upon the gentle summer evening breeze. Merlin grinned at the way the name suited it so perfect. Iseldir had been right; coming up here was worth the climb.
It was with reluctance he left his spot on the summit. With one solemn nod to the cairn he said his goodbye to his friend. Forever would be a long time, but Merlin no longer feared it. Encouraged by his friend's advice he descended further down the hill. Iseldir had shown him it was better to have loved and lost than to not to have lived at all, because he wasted his life waiting for the impossible. Even so Merlin knew deep inside of his heart that some part of him would remain incomplete until the day Arthur returned, and dare he hope it Gwaine too. His first destiny would never be entirely forgotten and it didn't have to be either, or so he decided. It had given him days of joy; ones he would cherish for as long as he could remember them.
The moment Merlin returned to the druid camp he found the tribe already knew what had happened. Elvin, the oldest son of Iseldir, and Kendra awaited him while the others had already left to continue the endless walk of the tribe. "Emrys", the new chieftain greeted him. "I thank you for taking care of our father in his final moments of life and for fulfilling his last wish. It has been an honour to know you. If ever you need to walk in peace for a while come and find us. You are one of our tribe now." With a nod and a wink to his sister Elvin walked off.
Merlin saw a fresh set of tears well up in her eyes and so he pulled Kendra close to offer them both some comfort. "Why does Elvin believe that I will leave?"
For a while she stayed silent and when she finally spoke there was regret and some sadness in her voice. "Your life is still in Camelot, and mine is with the tribe. The Queen needs you as much as my brother needs me. The world around us is changing and the seer warns us all for what lies ahead. You must beware, Emrys. Darkness comes from the east and Camelot may fall if it does not stand together."
"The Saxons", Merlin understood at once the cold truth of what Kendra told him. The foreigners who had once chosen to side with Morgana had stayed silent for a long time since the high priestess met her demise. It seemed though that they had not remained idle, something the knights of Camelot too had feared. After several peaceful seasons it were the druids who had sensed their return… which could only spell trouble for Albion.
Narrowing his eyes in realisation of how his path curved back home Merlin accepted the fact that neither one of them had any other choice than to stay true to who they were. Even though he had enjoyed his time with the tribe he knew that he could not walk on with them and leave Camelot behind to face this foe alone, without his powerful magic to help them. He had to go back and warn his friends, even when it saddened him to part ways with Kendra.
One last battle then? It was either that or let go off the values Arthur had evoked in them all. No, he could not give up on Camelot without a fight! And with that thought he realised that the town and its people held a far larger piece of his heart than Kendra ever could. What they had shared was his first stolen moment in his long lifetime, one which gave him the reprieve he had needed from destiny and duty.
While he held Kendra even tighter Merlin kissed her on the lips. He felt assured by the idea that she'd find someone else among her tribe to spend her nights with. Everyone loved her kind heart, and in a way Merlin found he was at peace with it. A woman as beautiful and open minded as Kendra needed to be loved; he would never deny her that. She thrived on affection and on friendship, in the same manner Gwaine had done. It was what attracted him to her in the first place.
What they had shared was special, for she was the first woman he had lain with and as such Merlin would cherish the memory of the time they spent together for as long as he lived. "I will miss you", he admitted with a fond smile.
Kendra pulled back with a grin and a wink. "Ah, but I will miss you more."
It was the same joke they'd always shared. Even when they were parted but for a moment they would not leave without a joke or kiss. More than anything they had done it to tease Iseldir, who in truth was more amused than anyone by his daughter's antics.
In this moment though the words spoken between them served as their goodbye to the fond memories they had shared together, which included her father. Neither one of them would come to regret the choice to part ways… and that was alright with the other.
After sharing one long meaningful look Kendra turned and she walked away from him, off into the forest where she belonged. Merlin knew that she would not look back, because her views on life were always aimed towards tomorrow. Still he could not find it in his heart to walk off before she disappeared altogether between the trees. Only when he knew for sure that she was back safe at her brother's side did he head home to Camelot.
