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Sansa had never felt that way about any man, the way she felt for Sandor. His scars had never bothered her, but those eyes; it was those eyes that ate into the core of her soul that unnerved her. At first the man behind those eyes made her nervous. Not really anymore; the more Sansa thought about it, maybe it was about time to be in the company of someone to whom she could be completely honest. She was in dire need of honesty, about herself and her situation. She knew Sandor saw through the guise; and deep down she was grateful.
She was jolted back to reality, but Sandor ending their kiss and removing her from his lap. He looked sad.
"Are you alright?" she asked, snuggling back into him.
"Aye," he sighed, "I just don't make it a habit of kissing another man's woman, even if they initiated it, twice." He looked into her soul with his grey eyes. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" He rasped gently.
Sansa took a deep breath and nodded. "We don't love each other, Harry and I" she simply stated "At first it was for money, I have some and he needed it, now it's really just an endless engagement."
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard." Sandor said gruffly "What is wrong with that man? It makes no sense to me. Who wouldn't make their claim to you? If you were my woman, I would marry you so fast to make sure no one else would ever lay their eyes on you and I would be able to enjoy you as much as possible. There would be no mistake in my devotion." Sandor realized he might have said too much, may have revealed too much of his soul.
Sansa grinned at him, catching his soul baring slip. "Is that the truth now?" She said it in a teasing voice, but was touched by Sandor's honesty.
"I don't plan on being a church handyman forever" Sandor whispered, "As long as we're an hour in to this hurricane and it isn't likely we'll be going anywhere until tomorrow and I've already let slip some secrets I have not told anyone, ever, why stop now?" He smiled a little, "I don't know what I am going to do, but I'm more than this." And he gestured to his modest apartment complete with knitted accessories "This is just a stepping stone while I become the person I want to be."
Sansa, still warm and snuggly, curled deeper into Sandor's chest, wrapped his arm back around her, "I feel the same way about my life right now too. Harry and I needed each other, but we both knew, deep down, we would not go through with a marriage; but now that I am here, I realize that I want and deserve so much more. I don't know what it is, but that is why I come to mass, to pray that I find what it is that I am looking for."
"That business about being friends" Sandor couldn't help but say it with a sneer "Is that what you really want from me?"
Sansa took a few minutes to compose her thoughts. "No, not really, I mean yes, I want to be your friend, but that isn't what I mean exactly. I want more. I have never been so bold with any man before. I try to engage you with flirting, being coy, but you see right through me. When you were avoiding me it made me feel badly. What did I do wrong?"
"You belong to another man. You still do, even if it isn't with your heart. You can't kiss me or lead me on when you also belong to someone else." Sandor said sadly, he couldn't, wouldn't have his heart broken. He would hold firm, stand his ground. Maybe Sansa would leave Harry. All Sandor knew what that he had to stand firm to his principles, because that is really all he had to lose.
Sansa nodded, appreciating her situation from Sandor's perspective.
A tear ran down Sansa's cheek. She was ashamed of herself, for being so inconsiderate. She could feel her lower lip start to tremble, her sight grew fuzzy. "I won't cry, I just won't." she thought to herself. Then she realized she was falling apart, seated on the well worn couch of a man who basically shot down her advances, called out her moral character, while she was wrapped up in hand knit church lady blankets, while not wearing any underwear. The first blessed time she had been alone with a grown man, not wearing undies, she was being chastised and felt like a fool, a fool, a failure and a jerk. She couldn't help it as the tears fell freely and the sound that came out was a cross between a sob and a mirthless laugh.
