Chapter 25: Burn Bright! Hot New Emotions!
My head was spinning as my mind raced. But, as much as I struggled to put two and two together, it didn't help. I felt just as lost as I had when I was eavesdropping, the shock never fading, just turning into anxiety, an anxiety so thick and heavy, it made my insides twist. I felt hollow inside, my body numb. Ten tails. Orochimaru. Jiraiya's words swirled around my head and the look in Megumi-sensei's eyes haunted me too after he had said his final piece. She had been shocked by the question and I could see her trying to imagine the scenario first before forcing out just any old answer. I had slipped away before she could manage something and for all I knew, she was still standing in the same spot, dumbstruck.
"Feeling better?"
I looked up at the voice and spotted Sasuke hovering just beside me, his usual disinterested expression on his face, his voice dry and only slightly cold. I could only manage a nod in response and knew that if I gave him anything else I'd end up crying on the spot and I didn't want to do that.
I had wound up on Sasuke's doorstep after walking around aimlessly for the most part. I had been running on autopilot and knew the moment I snapped back behind the wheel, that I was heading to a place that somehow always helped me get a little more grounded. As cold and putt-offish as Sasuke was, he was all about space and had said nothing when I knocked on his door. He merely stepped out of my way and let me climb onto the small armchair in the far corner of his room. He had gone about his business only coming around to give me cups of tea which he balanced on the edge of his nightstand and the occasional rice ball.
"What happened." Sasuke asked, easing down on the bed across from me. It wasn't a question, it was a command and I could already feel my throat tightening at the thought of letting it spill on the table. But, there was no telling him all of it either. Who knew what connections he would draw?
I hugged my knees against my chest and took a shaky breath. Of course, I had to say something. All afternoon I had been thinking back, digging through the little I could remember and I struggled to piece them together even though it was useless. There were too many gaps and the gaps became worse and worse. In my mind, my memories just stopped making sense and then all I had left was my bloody nightmares that only made me feel just as worse as I wondered now if all of them had really happened. But, I had to tell him something and some part of it had to have some kind of truth buried inside.
"I think I'm a monster." I mumbled.
I hesitated before looking up to meet his gaze, but his expression was even, the same actually. It wasn't anything less or anything more. He was simply unaffected.
"Why would you say that?" He asked a few moments later.
I hugged my knees tighter to my chest and hesitated once more. "I've just been thinking about everything."
"What about it."
I looked at him, a little fearful. "If I tell you, you can't get mad at me."
He blinked at me, saying nothing.
"I travelled with Orochimaru years ago, back when I was just a little kid. We travelled for years and while all I can remember are the good times, I'm sure there were bad times mixed in as well." I glanced down at the floor, the dead look in his eye beginning to make my skin itch. "I know because I'm pretty sure that's where my nightmares come from."
I glanced back up at him, studying the frown wiggling its way onto his lips, the thoughts brewing behind his eyes. He stared at me for another long moment before he pushed himself to his feet and walked to his balcony door. He braced a hand against the frame and took a breath.
"H-he trained me." I said. "He taught me basically everything I know, made it almost instinct."
His grip on the frame tightened.
"I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make him proud of me and I was willing to do anything and everything in my power to make it happen, to make him see how dedicated to him I was."
"Why are you telling me this?" Sasuke growled.
"But he made me do awful things." I breathed just as the hot sting of tears lit my eyes. I gasped, a hand shooting up to cover my mouth as they began to slip down my cheeks. "I know I killed people, lots of people."
I sniffed and began wiping at my tears. A lump had formed in my throat now and the more I wiped at my eyes, the harder and faster they fell. Sasuke glanced back at me and I looked away.
"No one ever called me one but I always knew." I managed. "I always knew what I was." I remembered what happened after I was brought back to the village, the cautious looks everyone gave me as I walked around, the shiver that ran their spines whenever I so much as looked at them. I remembered the house all the test subjects lived in and how everyone had cowered at the sight of me, even Kyoske and Hideki, their eyes wide with terror. I was something to avoid back then and I was treated harshly but I wasn't allowed to fight back. Too many times I had fought back and been dragged to my room, locked away while the sounds of kids playing outside filtered through the empty walls. I remembered the day when one girl had gathered enough courage to say the words to me and it felt like it had happened just yesterday.
Her cheeks had been bright red, her eyes angry. She had been glaring at me with every ounce of hatred inside of her little body and she was ready to let me know about it. She had sucked in a breath, all of her friends cowering behind her, one of them reaching out to touch her arm, pleading words leaving her lips.
She had been ready to say it, her mouth opening, her lips forming the first letter when Megumi-sensei had burst into the room, panting and sweating and looked between us. It only took her a second to piece the scene before her together and she was by my side instantly, telling the children to "play somewhere else" before turning to me. She held my face between her hands, brushing my tears away with her thumb and fixed a soft gentle smile onto her lips.
"Don't listen to them." She said then, her hands smoothing through my hair. "You have every right to be here as they do."
She had never wanted to hear the word, especially when it was associated with her students. We had all done cruel and terrible things under Orochimaru's rule and there hadn't been a person in all of the nations who hadn't heard about his army of bloodthirsty children terrorizing and killing anyone who opposed him. While that made us all a bit monstrous, no one was bigger than me, his right hand, his ultimate buki.
"He made sure to wipe my memory, but it still comes to me in my dreams, the memories, the memories of what I did, of what he managed to erase." I said.
"I don't care." Sasuke muttered, pushing his grip away from the door frame before he turned to look back at me. His eyes were dark, his hands in tight fists by his sides. I stared at him, tears streaming down my face, my body tense.
I wanted to tell him that he should care. I wanted to tell him that I was living proof of what he would become, of what his life would be like if he followed someone like Orochimaru. He didn't know what true evil was, he didn't know what it felt like to teeter on the edge of being somewhat human or inhumane. But, thinking back, it wasn't something I had known either. I had followed blindly, pulled by trust and trust alone. My wish had been granted at the cost of my mind and at the time it had seemed fair. I had been freed, thought everything was okay but even after all this time, I was still under Orochimaru's hold, just within his grasp and it would always be that way.
"I don't care." Sasuke said again. I could feel his hands sliding over mine and he pulled me swiftly to my feet. I stumbled, but he secured me in place, one of his hands snaking around my neck and tilting my head back so that I could look up at him.
Again, he didn't seem different to me. But, there was something there, an emotion I couldn't place burning in his eyes.
"You're not a monster, you're a person." Sasuke said. "There's no point in dwelling on things you can't even remember."
My eyes widened just as his hands slid further up my neck until they were holding my face between them, his thumbs drawing small circles against my cheeks.
"The only thing that matters is what you do after it all. You have those memories? Now what are you going to do about them?"
It wasn't a question that needed an answer even though he had said it like one. It was one of those self-help questions, the kind that people often spent their whole lives wondering about but in my heart I knew the answer to it. It reminded me of that night with Orochimaru, where he pressured me to tell him what I wanted, what I really wanted with all my heart and soul. I still wanted to protect someone except now it was a bit more personal. Looking up into his dark eyes, I realized I wanted to be by his side. I didn't just want to protect him from Orochimaru, I wanted to be there for him with his brother as well. I wanted to help him surpass his own dreams and goals but more than that, I wanted him to want the same thing with me.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close, standing up on my tiptoes so that my head could rest on his shoulder. I turned my head slightly and saw it, his Cursed mark. Sucking in a quick breath, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against it, feeling nothing but the smoothness of his skin but I knew from the way he stiffened under me that he had probably felt something else, maybe a sharp pain or maybe it was just the sudden kiss.
He was frozen and only moved when I pulled my lips away. Just as I was lowering myself back down to my feet, one of his hands wrapped around my waist and he pulled me even closer to him. His other cradled the side of my face and he turned it up so that he could look down at me. Before I could sneak in another breath, he pressed his lips against mine.
…
"Did you sleep well?"
I opened my eyes, my lips twisting into a pleasant smile as I looked up at him. Three days had passed come and gone since my monster revelation and we had spent a good bulk of it lounging and rolling around in his bed.
"Did you?" I challenged, sticking my tongue out at him.
His lips twitched but before they could form a smile, I leaned up and placed a delicate kiss against his lips. I pulled away first, right before it was going to deepen and rolled onto my back. It was the early afternoon and I could feel that the sun was at its highest point in the sky. Sasuke had drawn his curtains, to block the light and while it worked for his balcony, the ones at his window on the left were lighter, and as a result, sunlight still managed to filter in. If I listened hard enough I could make out voices in the streets down below, friendly shouts here and there.
"You've been such a good host." I said, running a hand through the top of my hair before yawning.
Sasuke scoffed, rolling to his side. "You've been a decent guest."
I looked at him, shooting him a dirty look. "Jerk." I reached up and lightly hit his chest, which made him chuckle softly.
"I'm surprised you've been here, though." I said.
He moved then, moving his body so that he hovered above me. His hair was getting longer too and now the bangs that framed the sides of his face ended a little under his chin. I reached up, letting one of my hands rustle through his hair and I pulled some of it behind his hear.
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he lowered himself down, his head resting on my chest, his dark eyes locked on mine.
"I thought you'd go off and train all day." I said.
"Is that what you wanted?"
"No." I said and blushed with how quick it had all come out.
"I could put it off for a few days." Sasuke muttered and I felt the ghost of his lips along my collarbone. My breath hitched in my throat and the hand I had in his hair tightened.
"How kind of you." I managed.
"Besides, you looked like you didn't want to be alone." Sasuke breathed, his lips coming down on my throat.
"S-so noble of you." I breathed.
He pulled back so that he could see my face. I blushed even harder which made a light smirk twitch its way onto his lips.
"Some crazy girl told me to make friends or something like that." Sasuke said.
I couldn't help the giggle that slipped out of my mouth. "Oh, she sounds like a keeper."
He shrugged and I pulled him down for another kiss. When we pulled away, his words were still swimming around in my head but one of them in particular stuck out to me.
"Friends, huh?" I repeated, as I began tracing invisible patterns along his arm.
He looked down at my finger.
"Is that what we are?" I asked and then stopped myself short. What was wrong with me? Since when had I become so blunt? Three days alone with Uchiha and I wasn't even thinking before I spoke. I pressed my lips into a tight line, wishing more than anything that I could just turn back time and pull the words back into my mouth and out from his ears.
"There's something else you want to be?" Sasuke asked and looked at me. I had no words, but judging by his smirk, my face had said enough. He leaned down, pressing his lips against mine once more and he deepened it a second later, pulling me as close as possible against him, till I felt small sparks of pain in my ribs. I held him just as tightly, a fistful of his hair in one hand and the other pressing tiny crescent marks into his back with my nails. We rolled to the side and I broke away to catch my breath, my eyes opening just so that I could catch the expression on his face. But, as my eyes opened, they caught something else standing by his door, two bodies, their arms folded across their chests.
My eyes widened and without giving it another thought, I let out a scream. Sasuke jumped and I pushed him away from me before clawing at the blankets, struggling to cover myself. He turned around to face the two intruders, who as it turned out, weren't intruders at all. Megumi-sensei and Kakashi. My sensei stood with an impassive expression on her face, her eyes hard as they looked between Sasuke and I. As for Kakashi, his head was turned to the side, his eyes locked on the wall, a light blush on his cheek. He seemed uncomfortable, while my sensei looked like she didn't even know the meaning of the word. If anything, she looked heavily annoyed, her lips twisting to the side, her nose wrinkling as if she smelled something sour in the air.
I struggled to swallow and found that I couldn't because of the heavy lump that had formed in my throat. I clung to the bed sheet, wrapping it tighter and tighter around my body as Sasuke sat up to try and hide me. But, all it really did was make me feel even worse as if I had something even worse to hide.
"What are you—" Before Sasuke could even finish his sentence, Megumi-sensei moved across the room, a steady pace as she walked to the balcony doors and reached for the curtains.
"So, this is what you've been doing these past few days?" Megumi-sensei asked, feigning interest, except it came out sounding dryer than anything else.
"Megu—" Kakashi started but was cut off as Megumi-sensei pulled the curtain back harshly and the early afternoon sunlight came bursting through the glass, blinding and hot. I gasped, my arms wrapping tighter around my body and I heard the floor creak as Megumi-sensei drew closer to the bed.
I looked up at her from my hair, struggling to keep my breaths even, my heart in my chest. Sasuke groaned beside me, an arm lifted to his face. I d looked up at Megumi-sensei, measuring the stern look in her eye.
Without saying a word, she reached down and grabbed my clothes off the floor. I blinked just as she flung them at me. The action was met with hushed silence and I wasn't sure how I should have felt. Angry? It certainly seemed like a logical reaction. She had barged in without any sort of warning and was clearly beyond pissed about something and even if I could put together what it was, it still didn't give her the right. Mortified? That was also logical. After all, she hadn't come alone and who knew exactly how much her and White Fang had seen. Stupid? Suddenly I regretted everything, from my feelings for Sasuke to the moment I had accepted my job at staying close to him.
"What's your problem?" Sasuke snapped, his eyes dark as he regarded my sensei.
"Sasuke." Kakashi's voice was even. He didn't look uncomfortable anymore, in fact, he was looking down at us now, his expression seemingly even.
"Get dressed." Megumi-sensei said, her tone clipped.
"Sen—"
She lifted a finger, cutting me off and I felt my shoulders slump as the shame set in. Honestly, what was wrong with me? I was on a mission not the main character in some stupid romantic movie. What was with the part of me that wanted to skip off into the sunlight with Uchiha? There was no happy ending for me, there was no happy ending for us. I wasn't meant to be in his world, be a part of his life. I was just supposed to protect him, make sure Orochimaru didn't take him, but there I had been desperate for more of him.
"Get dressed." Megumi-sensei said again. "We have a mission."
For a moment, I thought back to our current mission at hand but realized when my eyes met hers again that she meant something else. Another mission entirely. I looked down at the clothes littering the bed and with a quick intake of breath, I grabbed my shirt, slipping it on quickly before reaching for my pants.
"Miyuki." Sasuke said, turning to face me.
"I have to go." I said, forcing a smile even though I just wanted to burst into tears right then and there. It wasn't fair, really. I deserved answers. I deserved to be mad at sensei, to give some sort of protest. But, the obedient part within me, the part that screamed I owed her more than anyone else, told me that I knew better.
The look on Sasuke's face didn't help either. He was fuming, his eyes darker than I had ever seen them. I was rising to my feet when he reached out and caught my wrist sharply.
"Miyuki." Megumi-sensei called out to me from the doorway, before Sasuke could even utter a word.
I looked at her, at the impatience on her brow and let out a small sigh.
"Sasuke, I'm sorry." I said, letting my free hand reached down to caress his knuckles. He flinched at the softness in my touch and I knew it was taking everything in him to keep his eyes on me, to keep the same intensity in them as well. His grip loosened just enough that I was able to slide my wrist away and once I was free, I reached for my shoes, pulling them on quickly.
I walked around the bed just as quickly and paused when I reached Kakashi, who's eye was closed, his thumb and forefinger pressing against the bridge of his nose. I gave him a small, polite bow.
"I'm sorry." I managed quickly before turning and heading out the door after Megumi-sensei. I caught up to her a few feet outside of Sasuke's house and as I matched her pace, I kept my head low, afraid of what I would find if I met her gaze.
She didn't say a word to me and she remained that way until we were a few feet away from our hotel. My insides had been twisting into each other, fear clogging my throat. When she stopped walking, it felt as though time itself had stopped and I held my breath as I felt her turn to face me.
"I never took you for a stupid girl." She mumbled, making me tense. Her voice sounded like hot iron on my skin, and they left an equally hot sting behind them.
"Yet, there you stand." She said, sounding disgusted.
I glanced up at her, caught the darkness behind her already dark orbs of blackness.
"Sensei, let me explain—"
"I don't even want to hear you speak." Megumi-sensei cut me off, her eyes narrowing before she reached out and grabbed a fistful of my shirt. She jerked me forward and I gritted my teeth together behind my lips. I felt like a weak little doll in her hands and I didn't like it.
"Only an idiot would do what you've done." Megumi-sensei growled harshly in my face. "Only an idiot would let that boy touch them."
I felt my eyes narrow up at her and even though a part of me argued that it wasn't the time to have an opinion, I couldn't help but have one anyway. I knew whatever I had with Sasuke was wrong, the exact opposite of what our relationship should have been. But, for whatever reason, it had happened and we were…we were what we were. He might have still been a complete mystery to me, but I was starting to figure him out and I was liking what I was finding so far.
"I'm not an idiot!" I spat, before pushing away from sensei's hold. "I'm not going to let you stand there and call me stupid for feeling the way I do about him either."
An emotion I couldn't place shot across Megumi-sensei's face before she composed herself back into her hardened, military one again.
"And who says he feels the same way about you?" Megumi-sense growled, which was said so quickly, it quite literally threw me off.
We stared at each other, one of us speechless, the other glaring, hard. After a moment of this, just as words were beginning to form in my head, her expression softened slightly and I felt myself go on edge all over again. She was still pissed, but she had gone down a level at least.
"Listen to me, Miyuki." Megumi-sensei said, as her hands came down on my shoulders and she gave me a little shake. "That boy will ruin you."
My eyes widened as I thought back to that time in the park with the Sand Genin. He's toxic, Gaara had said and his words felt just as real now as they had back then. I realized how far Sasuke and I had come since then, how much better I understood him now in comparison. There had been a point in time where I could force myself to believe such a thing but not anymore. Not with the way he stared at me and most definitely not with the way he clung himself to me, the way our bodies could come together so perfectly, it was impossible to tell where one began and the other ended.
I shook off sensei's words even though they left me feeling a little hollow inside. I was trembling from them, my mind reeling with the possibility that maybe Sasuke wasn't as good for me as I had thought after all.
"But you'll learn that for yourself." Megumi-sensei said, turning to look back at our hotel. "Shoving it down your throat does no good. You're too stubborn for that anyway."
I was still reeling from the memories her words had conjured up in me, but I managed to lift my gaze to her face. She glanced down at me.
"Now let's go upstairs so I can brief the three of you on our latest mission."
