Red vs Blue: Green

Chapter Three: The Rookie


Church, Tucker, Caboose and I stood outside looking at the tank.

"I could blow up the whole damn world with this thing." Church muttered.

"I take it back; we could totally pick up chicks in this." Tucker said cheerfully. "Like two or three a piece."

"What chicks? It's just us and the reds." Church groaned. "Besides, what would you do with two chicks?"

"Women are like Voltron. The more you hook up, the better it is." Tucker retorted.

"I've only got one girl I want. My uh… girlfriend back home." Church said awkwardly. "I was gonna marry her, but I got shipped out and you know how that goes."

"My dad told me, why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free." Caboose interjected.

"Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?!" Church growled.

"I think he called her a slut!" Tucker chimed in.

"My man John Mulaney explained exactly why you buy the cow." I chuckled. "Cause you love the cow, and it makes you go to all the other sales and glares at you the whole time cause they met six months after you." Church burst out laughing, and Caboose just looked at me, confused.

"Nice one Steel." Tucker said. "But seriously. Let's start this thing up."

"Yeah. Hop in Tucker." Church agreed.

"Wait me? I'm not armor certified!" Tucker exclaimed.

"You aren't? Neither am I! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY?!" Church yelled.

"Well, then we appear to have a tank no one is certified to run." I sighed. "Genius."

"What about you rookie? Can you drive a tank?" Church groaned. "You know what? I don't even wanna know."

"Uh no. I can't drive a tank. I only barely got my license before shipping out." Caboose replied.

"Huh. That actually wasn't stupid. A'ight rookie." Church nodded. "Get yourself in the base. See, we have this uh… general." Church began.

"Yeah, the general guy." Tucker nodded.

"… who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?" Caboose asked.

"We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now." Tucker explained.

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?" Caboose asked, obviously unsure.

"No, just stay around the flag." Tucker said simply.

"I dunno…" Caboose began.

"You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag." Church replied.

"What's so important about the flag?" Caboose shot back.

"… Dude. Don't they teach you guys anything?" I interrupted.

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?" Caboose asked again.

"Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important." Church complained.

"Well, it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue…" Tucker trailed off.

"It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag." Church said simply.

"So anyways, just keep an eye out for him. Okay?" I explained.

"… Okay." Caboose nodded and headed back into the base. Church groaned. "Alright. Steel, you really can't drive a tank?"

"… I didn't say that. I said I wasn't certified. I can drive it. It just tends to break." I explained.

"… So, if we're all about to die, you can take over." Tucker stated.

"Pretty much. I can try to fix it, but I'm not certified for that either. More of a ground soldier. Infantry and that sort of thing." I replied.

"Well, it's a start." Tucker replied. "How about we just go take potshots at the reds?"

Caboose ran out. "Mr. Church? The general came by, and took the flag! Thought you'd wanna know!"

"ROOKIE!"


Again, please, let me know if you see anything you don't like. And yes, I am occasionally referencing the original dialogue. Cause some of those quotes are too good to pass up. :)