Chapter 39: Farewell
I woke with a start, my heart in my throat and a sharp retort for Tayuya on my lips. Except, the moment my eyes settled and blinked past the blinding white light, I found myself in a hospital room, with the sharp smell of disinfectant filling the air. I felt a little sick to my stomach, my anxiety lowering but leaving behind a nauseas feeling until I felt it coming up. I gagged just as someone pushed a bucket in front of me just in time.
I heaved into the bucket, my body trembling as I gripped the sides. A hand came down and smoothed my hair away from my face, pulling the stray strands behind my ear before moving away.
Slowly and shakily, I followed the hand as it pulled back to its body and felt my body stiffen when I saw Sasuke staring at me. He looked the same as always except this time any trace of the darkness he had had earlier was gone. His jaw was even softer, but I could tell that his teeth were still clenched.
"Sas-Sasuke." I breathed before coughing. He handed me a tissue to wipe my mouth and I took it from him, dabbing at my mouth while he pulled the bucket away, not even grimacing at the contents like I would have.
He said nothing in response, merely placed the bucket on the floor before folding his hands and looking back at me. I could smell it then, a gentle waft of apples. I looked down at the wrinkled sheets gathered around my waist and remembered as I had jolted up the smell of him in the air, slight but still there. I glanced at the floor and remembered him knocking the apples out of Sakura's hand and my hands balled into tight fists with the memory alone.
"What's wrong?" His voice was firm and I looked at him.
"What's wrong with you?" I countered.
He stared at me and I saw something in his eyes shift before he let out an exasperated sigh. He pushed himself up to his feet before walking around the bed to the window in the corner.
"What did Kakashi talk to you about when I left?" I asked.
"Where did you go after you left?" He countered.
I remembered Tayuya and the others ganging up on me in the training grounds and my pitiful defeat in the end. They had wanted to deliver a message to Sasuke, to remind him that Orochimaru's offer still stood.
"I was…training." I managed with after a slight hesitation.
His eyes cut over to mine and I knew instantly that he wasn't impressed.
"Training?" He repeated, as if he didn't know the meaning of the world.
I managed a nod, maybe a little too quickly, but hid my face with my hair, letting it cascade over my shoulders. I didn't want to see his reaction to my confirmation because the previous one still burned in my head. Also, I was sure my own face would betray me.
"If it makes you feel any better, Orochimaru extended an offer for you as well." Kidōmaru had said. I shivered at the thought of ever going back into that his clutches but then again…what if Sasuke decided to go?
He eased down into the seat beside the bed again and I glanced over at him, peeking out through my sheet of hair.
"You looked like you had gotten into a fight." Sasuke said, his voice low and dripping with disbelief.
I pressed my lips into a tight line. It had been more than just a fight. It had been payback and the Sound Four had been right when they had said my emotions had gotten the better of me. I had been blinded by my need to protect him, to defend Sasuke at all costs and look where it had gotten me. It had been careless, stupid and I could only imagine sensei's expression if she looked at me now.
"Who found me?" I asked.
"I did." Sasuke said.
"And you took me straight here?"
"Your injuries were bad but it was more fatigue than anything else." Sasuke said. "Somewhere else you want to be?"
"N-no." I said, shaking my head. I reached up and pulled my hair behind my ear again before sniffing. I needed to collect myself before I faced him but that wasn't stopping him from standing up and sitting right in front of me, right at the edge of the bed. He reached over a moment later and tilted my head up.
It was so tender and sweet and I was reminded of our last kiss, the one he had given me before he had left on his latest mission. But, then I remembered how cruel he had been to me, how he had pushed me away and how angry he had been with Naruto. I remembered how that Sasuke had been scary and imposing, capable of so much bad, so incapable of being gentle.
I pulled away and turned my gaze out toward the window where I could see the early evening stars beginning to twinkle. It wasn't exactly late in Konoha, but it was getting there. I imagined dinners wrapping up, families gathering in front of their TV's. I wondered briefly about Naruto and Sakura and then wondered how the boys were holding up. I thought about sensei and imagined she would be holed up somewhere by Kakashi's side.
"I'm sorry." Sasuke said.
My eyes widened and I slowly brought myself back to look at him. It was the second time he had uttered such words, the first being back during our mission together, after we had gotten separated from the others and joined forces with the Rain ninja. I could only blink at him because for the first time ever, it really looked like he meant it.
"You were right earlier…when you said that I was pushing you away." Sasuke said.
I tried not to gawk knowing that whatever progress he was making would only set him back. But my hands trembled slightly and just as I was about to slide them under the sheets, he caught them in his hands and I froze.
"I want to…I want to tell you everything but…it's not easy." He looked up at me and met my eyes, which only made a shiver run up and down my spine in response and suddenly there I was, gawking. This was what a sincere Sasuke looked like, his eyes bursting with apology, his voice dripping with slight concern. I had never been sure that he could show it and there it was, a whole new Sasuke right in front of me and this one wasn't scary or nerving. This was the one that had held me the night before he left, this was the one that kissed me and this was the one who had laid beside me, teased me even before Megumi-sensei had appeared.
I didn't want to go easy on him but a part of me realized how truly difficult this must have been for him. Spending all his years closed off to the world, only giving a smirk here or there, never really laughing or smiling, or even caring about those around him and here we were.
"Sasuke…" I managed but the rest of my voice got lost in my throat. His grip on my hands tightened in response.
"I thought about it…" He began and if I didn't know any better, he looked a little nervous as his eyes flitted over my face before diving down to our hands.
"I realized…I realized…that I want you too." He said, his voice low as he reached the last part. My cheeks flushed.
"You're…important to me." Sasuke said. "After everything…no matter what…it always comes back to you."
I pulled one of my hands away from his grasp and was reaching up to try and cool my suddenly overheated cheeks as his words sunk in, making my skin feel electric. He had admitted it hadn't he? I was important? I was what he wanted? Me? He had said it and I knew that I should've been jumping up and down in response. But, all his words really did was make my stomach tighten.
"Sasuke…" I managed again, except this time, one of his hands came up and caught me at the back of my neck. He pulled me forward as I held my breath before our foreheads touched. His dark eyes bore into mine and they didn't help the nerves bubbling and bursting in my stomach. I couldn't explain the strange feeling coming over me but I knew what I should have been feeling instead. Happiness. It was what I had wanted all along except now, I was afraid of it. Something was off. Something was being forgotten but he was so close…too close for me to even fathom thoughts.
He leaned closer, his scent invading my senses, making my lips quiver, making my insides tremble in preparation. I could feel his breaths brushing over my lips and the closer he drew the more restraint it took on my part to keep myself controlled. He was being slow and measured and those dark eyes were studying me, trying to gauge my desires.
He pressed a gentle kiss against my lips and I felt my whole body reel from the contact. It was electric, enough to make me crazy, enough to make me want to jump into his arms and wrap myself around him. I placed a hand on his chest and though a part of me had said to push him away, that this wasn't right, that this shouldn't be, instead gripped his shirt and pulled him even closer.
My body protested, my muscles stretching in agony, but I couldn't deny that I wanted more of him. He granted my wish, leaning closer, one of his hands snaking around my waist. I gasped and he deepened the kiss and together we fell back, him hovering over me and me underneath him. I was still gripping his shirt as if for dear life, my heart slamming so loudly in my chest that I could hear it echoing in my ears.
"Mmm…wait." I managed, breaking away from our kiss and turning my head so that he couldn't trap me again. I could feel his breaths coming down on my cheeks and hated how it completely destroyed my resolve. I wanted to be able to resist him but all I wanted to do was turn back and finish what we had started.
"What is it?" He asked, his voice surprisingly gentle.
I looked up at him and tried to study his dark eyes. I searched for something, anything that would calm the nervousness that felt like it was turning my insides out. But, his expression was blank, his eyes as firm as they had always been and then there were his fingers drawing small circles on my skin just under my shirt. I couldn't even begin to remember when his hand had gotten there, but it felt nice, the delicate movement.
"Miyuki." He breathed, my name sounding breathless as it left his lips.
I placed my hands on either side of his face and secured him there. "I just…I just…it just…I want to know that this is real."
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"You're…serious?"
"Miyuki…" He said as he slid one of his hands up along the side of my head before he slid it under. He bent his arm and suddenly I could feel his arm just at the back of my neck, feel his fingers rustling through my hair in the gentlest of fashions. I almost lost my breath and mind right then and there.
"What happened?" I asked. "On that mission?"
He stared down at me and I saw a flash of irritation crossing his brow, anger flaring in his eyes. His jaw tightened with the memory but at least one thing was proven on my end. It was all genuine emotions and I saw the change they all played on his face. Whatever he had been feeling before, it had been real but why did it still feel so strange to me?
"I lost." He said.
"To Naruto?" I asked, my voice small.
He glared, not at me, but at the spot beside my head on the pillow.
"It doesn't matter." He said, his voice low and before I could say anything more, he looked back at me, his glare softening. I opened my mouth to say something more and he lowered his head, silencing me with another kiss.
He didn't want to talk about it, that's what it was. He just wanted to forget it. It was only fair and I would have been stupid to want otherwise for him. The past was in the past and there was no changing it. I didn't want to worry about the Sound Four either especially with a confession like he had given me. I was important to him. I was important to Sasuke Uchiha and to me it meant that no amount of Orochimaru's distant control could change it.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, feeling his body mold against mine. My fingers tangled in his hair while he grabbed a fistful of mine. It felt right, perfect almost but there was still that knot in the pit of my stomach, the one that screamed something wasn't right, that something was wrong. Was his kiss too strong? Too possessive? Had he blown off my questions too rudely? What had his expression really held?
I wanted to stop thinking about it. I told myself that I was reading too much into everything. Everything would be fine and there was no use worrying about anything tonight. There was time for worry in the morning but for now, all I wanted to think about was how perfect the moment was and I how I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
…
I opened my eyes slowly and was instantly blinded by the strong moonlight drifting through the open window. With it came a small draft that was enough to make me shiver and pull the blankets closer to my chin. I thought about getting up to pull the curtains back or even better to shut the window completely, but then I remembered the feeling of Sasuke just behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist as he held my close.
It made my cheeks redden and I slowly rolled around, trying my best not to wake him. But when I turned around, he wasn't there. I blinked at the empty spot beside me for a moment, my eyes widening in my skull until I sat up in our small bed, peeking over the side in case somehow, someway he had found other sleeping accommodations. But, all I could see below was the floor and my clothes littering the foot of the bed. I ran my hand over the spot he had claimed and found that it was cold. There was no sign of him in the room, no trace.
He hadn't gone to use the bathroom. He hadn't gone to get something to eat. He had left and who when he was coming back, that is if he ever came back at all. I shook the thought out of my head, trying even to shake the tears from forming in my eyes. My chest felt tight as I threw the blankets off my body and scrambled for my clothes. I pulled them on quickly, not even glancing in the mirror as I made my way to the door. Where had he gone?
He wouldn't have gone home because the hospital hadn't cleared him yet. He wouldn't have gone to apologize to Naruto for his actions because he hadbarely apologized to me. Kakashi's? For what to talk some more? That didn't sound right either. My heart was slamming in my chest as I pushed open the hospital doors and stood on the front steps, feeling the cool night air lick at my cheeks. If he was in none of those places, where else could he have gone?
I thought back to his kiss, to the feeling that had had my stomach in tightly wound knots. It hadn't felt right, none of it had but I had allowed myself to get swooped up in the moment. I had ignored my suspicions and I had fallen asleep, completely knocked out when I should have trusted my gut. I reached up and smoothed my fingers over the cursed mark on my neck. It burned under my touch but it wasn't because Orochimaru was near. It was because as soon as I touched it, I was reminded of my crushing defeat and of all the bad things Orochimaru had done to me as a child.
The Sound Four standing above me, taunting me not just back then but earlier. Their offer, Orochimaru's offer to Sasuke…and to me. I remembered the brutal trainings and tests. I remembered the agonizing fights, unapologetic and bloody. I remembered the darkness but I remembered the voices more. The screaming, the crying, and my own bitter laughter lifting above it all. The sick, cruel laugh. I shivered again.
There was no way they had spoken to him. When had they done it? While I was sleeping? I would have woken if that was the case. I couldn't remember and the longer I tried to search my brain for answers, the more frustrated I became. There was only one answer, only one way of knowing for sure. I thought about the many roads around Konoha and remembered there was only one, just one that lead outside of the village.
I didn't give it another thought though I prayed with everything I had as I set out that it wasn't so. I raced to the gates, running through the streets as tears filled my eyes and made my vision blurry. I held my breath, my heartbeat echoing in my ears as I ran even harder. I rounded the bend that lead to the security desk by the main gates and found that while it had taken my breath away when we had first arrived in Konoha, it was just as dazzling at night. The trees hung low, their leaves swaying in the passing breeze. I stopped in my tracks when I noticed someone lying on a bench and my eyes widened as I looked at an unconscious Sakura. I took tentative steps toward her and got close enough to see the glistening tears in the corners of her eyes.
"Sakura." I breathed. Her tears were still fresh and her breathing wasn't labored, just slow. She was knocked out for good but whoever had done it to her, judging by the freshness of her tears, meant that they weren't far.
I started running again and I ran right outside the village gates, running into the forest with everything I had. I was running so quickly, so desperately, that I didn't see where I was going and a few yards in, I tripped over a root and ended up on the floor, nearly falling on my face. It was there, dust rising up from the ground, my eyes burning and my breaths heavy, that I lost it and realized.
Gone. Gone. He was…he was…gone. My tears slid down my cheeks and my body trembled as I struggled to find my voice and struggled to find some ounce of calmness in my body. I didn't want to believe it because he wouldn't do that to me, he wouldn't just leave and not say anything. Not after everything, not after what he said, and not after how far we had come. But he had and where did that leave me? What about what it all did to me? Didn't I mater too?
"Are you hurt?"
I jumped at the voice and pushed myself up immediately. Standing just a few feet away from me was Sasuke. He was dressed in his regular street clothes, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his white shorts.
My heart nearly burst out of my chest and I was pushing myself to my feet while I tried to contain my happiness.
"Sasuke!" I said, smiling through my tears until I really looked at him and saw that he wasn't just out for a midnight stroll. He had a backpack slung over his shoulders.
"Wh-what are you-where are you going?" I asked before hugging myself. "With that…with that backpack?"
"You should go back to bed." He said. His voice was cold and impatient and it sounded as if nothing between us had changed at all. As if the words that we had exchanged before everything hadn't been said at all. But they still echoed in my ears and my cheeks burned with the emotion that I had felt burning within them.
"Where are you going?" I asked, my voice cracking near the end.
He blinked at me, his eyes void of all emotion, but I as used to it. He wanted to come off unimpressed, disinterested but there was no getting around that this time. I wasn't going to let him leave. I had vowed that over everything right from the beginning. I had wanted him to accomplish his dreams and in a lot of ways I still wanted that but I also knew that Orochimaru wasn't the answer.
"Miyuki." Sasuke said, his voice even.
I shook my head. "You're not getting out of this one so you better tell me."
"Why are you asking if you already know the answer?" He asked.
"Because it isn't an answer! You think it is but it isn't! You don't know…you don't know what it's like…you don't know!"
"Miyuki."
"You don't need it! You don't even want it! He's a bad man, Sasuke! He can't help you and he won't! He's a liar and all he's going to do is use you! You're better than that!"
"Miyuki."
"You are strong. You don't need him to help you. I'll help you. Kakashi will help you. You have so many people behind you, so many people who just want what's best for you and how can you leave them? What about us? What about what you said to me? I thought I was important to you. What about me? What about—"
He was in front of me before I could finish my sentence and as my words got clogged in my throat, I also forgot how to breathe and was stuck somewhere between inhaling and exhaling. A sharp pain shot across my chest as a result.
"Then come with me." He breathed and my eyes widened in response.
I thought back to all my good memories. I remembered his kind smile, his gentle words, and his encouragement. I remembered the burning desire to stay by his side, to protect him, to prove that I was a woman that stood by her word. I had believed in him, I had followed Orochimaru and I had never questioned him. I remembered that most of my memories felt good and the only bad were the nightmares. The only problem was that the latter felt just as real, if not even more so. I thought about Karin and her burning hatred, not just for me, but for him. I thought about him disposing her, casting her out as if she was nothing.
I thought about the boys and remembered the fear shining in their eyes in our orphanage. I remembered being isolated and I remembered Megumi-sensei's kindness. I remembered how kind she had been to me and how genuine her emotions were. It was with her help that the others kids had grown to stand me and now the boys never left my side. It was because of her that I was living a somewhat normal life, that I had found myself behind all the darkness.
"Sasuke…" I managed and averted my eyes. Leave with him? Go back to Orochimaru? It wouldn't be good me going back. He would make me pay somehow for getting away the first time. He would make me pay for trying to fight him, for not coming back sooner. There was no guarantee of course. For all I knew, I was just being paranoid but whatever offer he made, it wasn't out of the kindness of his own heart. There was always a catch.
"I…I can't." I said finally, my shoulders slumping, my brow furrowing. It pained me to admit it, but I would never go back. I could never face Orochimaru again and I knew that if I ever did, I would fight him with everything I had. It had taken me years to get over what he had done to me, years to see past the façade and now…now I was sure that I hated him.
Sasuke was silent for a few moments and nothing but the air whistled between us, rustling through our hair. I took a shaky breath a few moments later and lifted my head so that I could meet his eyes. If he was disappointed, he didn't show it. He seemed unaffected by my decision.
"Then go home." Sasuke said.
"Sasuke." I reached for him and he disappeared. I blinked out into the vast road before me, blinking at the empty spot until I felt him standing just behind me.
"Don't." I said, my hands balling into tight fists at my sides.
"Don't what?" He asked.
"Don't do what you did you to Sakura…to me." I said.
He was quiet for a moment and I heard his feet moving around me. He moved right back in front of me and I stared up at him, struggling to blink past my tears.
"She threatened to scream." Sasuke said.
"I should too but it wouldn't change anything." I said.
"It didn't matter to her either." Sasuke said.
"W-why?" I asked, my voice cracking again. "Why are you doing this?"
Sasuke reached up and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Because I'm not like them." Sasuke said. "And I'm not like you."
He leaned close then, his lips just on the outside of my ear. His lips moved fast, his breathed washing lightly across my neck and down my back. My body trembled, my insides quaked, and when I blinked, he was gone.
