Chapter Four: Kakashi's Regrets
His head was dull, slightly dizzy. The tears on his cheeks had dried, absorbed by his mask, yet his heart was still weeping. He hadn't tried to hold him back. All he could do was watch that young man he didn't recognize anymore fly away from him, never turning back.
He hadn't tried to hold him back, because deep down, he felt Naruto was right.
I understand now why you have always been alone, had been his words.
Kakashi closed his eyes and shook his head.
Guy...Kurenai...Asuma...
You tried so hard to be my friends, and yet I have always rejected you. You have tried so hard to get me out of my own thoughts, of my own darkness. Yet I never had the courage to take your hand.
Kakashi's fingers clenched into the grass.
You are not capable of doing anything but hurt the others around you.
Kakashi hid his face into his hands. He was still sitting in the ground, under the beautiful canopy of trees, not hearing the birds chirping joyfully, not smelling the soft perfume of the few leaves falling in his hair. The world outside had no more importance. Only Naruto's words were now overwhelming his brain, crushing his heart, preventing him from breathing.
Father...Minato...Obito...Sasuke...
Naruto is right...
What good have I ever brought you? Father, it took me so many years to actually understand your pain, and even after your death, I turned my back to you, just like the entire village had done in the first place.
Sensei...I couldn't protect you and Kushina-chan, you had to sacrifice yourselves and leave Naruto alone in this world to protect him and that ungrateful village.
Obito...If only I had accepted the friendship you were offering me...If only I had had the courage to actually hear what you were telling me. If only I had followed you to save Rin right from the start...Maybe I wouldn't have lost my left eye, and I could have avoided that rock, and I could have saved you both, without you having to sacrifice your life for me...
Rin... I have never seen how much you loved me. I have never been able to give you what you expected from me. And even though I promised Obito I would protect you with my life, you died from my very hand. Your face still haunts me at night...as well as your blood on my hands...
Kakashi winced in his hands. A few feet from him, a beautiful deer passed her head through the trees and watched his hunched, curled up figure silently, curiously. Yet Kakashi was still oblivious to the world. He was still pinned to the ground with the huge sword of Naruto's words buried into his heart.
Sasuke...I have been such a fool. I have never understood you. I was supposed to be your sensei and your friend, and yet I was oblivious to your suffering. I was the one who taught you the very weapon you used to almost kill Naruto. I tried to reach you, but not hard enough. I should have confronted you, I should have pushed you to yell at me, to fight me, and when you would have let out all the anger and pain in your heart, I should have held you like your brother used to do, like your father never did. I'm sorry Sasuke, I was most responsible in your choice to run to Orochimaru.
Kakashi took a shuddering breath.
Sakura...My sweet Sakura...I promised you I would fix things between Sasuke and Naruto. I promised you I would bring them both back to us, and that we would all form our Team Seven again. I lied to you, Sakura, and I failed you. Because of my negligence, Sasuke left you behind. And more, Sakura, I was a terrible sensei to you. I focused too much on Sasuke and Naruto, and I was never a great help to you, I didn't push you enough to develop your talents, and in the end, like Naruto, you decided to go train with someone else. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...
He remained for a long while curled up on himself, and finally he rose on his feet and started walking back to the village, stuffing his hands in his pockets and bowing his head like a sad, lonely child.
He wasn't going to run after Naruto anymore.
He couldn't stand the sight of the boy's heinous eyes, rejecting all he was. He couldn't believe that only two days before, Naruto was still looking up at him with such a proud, loving face. He couldn't believe that just two days before, Naruto was still seeing him as his model, still proud of calling him "Sensei" even though he had stopped being his sensei three years before. Yet Kakashi loved to be called sensei, especially by Naruto and Sakura. It made him feel like he still have a privileged bond with them, as if maybe, just maybe, he hadn't screwed it all up. It made him fight to live for them, to protect them and to guide them. However now, the "sensei" honorific had been spoiled in Naruto's mouth, covered with sarcasm and resentment. He might never see those beautiful, happy eyes anymore, those eyes which sent him such a warm, valorized image of a loved and respected Hatake Kakashi.
Buried in his thoughts, Kakashi didn't even think about where he was going. His legs were carrying him independently through the trees, as though they were detached from his brain. It was only ten minutes later that Kakashi did raise his eyes and wonder where he was.
The Memorial stone.
Of course...
He kneeled before the stone and bowed his head. His heart was throbbing painfully into his chest, his throat was tight, and he felt slightly nauseous.
What the hell had just happened? How could his precious Naruto turn into such a ball of hate and anger?
Where had he lost him? What could he have done to avoid this?
It all had happened so fast. Kakashi couldn't believe he had actually managed to hurt Naruto so much the boy would turn his back to their entire friendship, just with three words.
Naruto, stop this.
"Kakashi-san?"
Kakashi turned around. Behind him was a young, handsome man with a pony-tail, a scarred nose, and gentle, tender eyes.
"Yo, Iruka-sensei..." Kakashi answered, wiping his eyes.
"Where's Naruto? "
"He's furious but physically fine...I guess..." Kakashi answered slowly.
The young man came to sit beside him discretely. For a moment, neither of them said a word, yet Kakashi realized that Iruka had a calm, soothing presence. He was a man that transpired kindness and innocence, and Kakashi almost felt like he was a dirty, bloody and battered wolf sitting next to a beautiful, white dove.
"A long time ago, I disturbed you while you were reading in a tree, yet you noticed there was something wrong with me, and you told me that you could listen to me if I wanted to talk about it." Iruka said gently.
Kakashi didn't answer anything.
"What's wrong, Kakashi-san? I can listen to you if you want to talk about it." Iruka said gently, purposely.
In his gentle, soothing voice, Kakashi could discern the long habit of dealing with children. Kakashi had often seen him comfort his students at every little torment, covering them with affection and tenderness. Yet he didn't mind being addressed with that same, sweet voice. Strangely, it was most comforting, and Kakashi vaguely thought to himself that Iruka had indeed the gift to approach wild beasts such as himself and soothe them only with his presence.
Kakashi hesitated for a while longer, and Iruka waited patiently, not saying anything.
"I...Naruto and I had a fight." Kakashi finally whispered.
"Ah...again...?"
"Hai...Again...But this time..."
Kakashi felt the tears come up again to his eyes and he turned his face to the left, ashamed. Iruka pretended he hadn't seen him. He knew how much Kakashi hated showing his emotions. That was the whole point of him wearing a mask after all... Yet Iruka was troubled. He had never seen Kakashi so miserable, and even seeing a single tear in his mismatched eyes was a very rare sight. In addition to looking as though he hadn't slept for days, he could tell Kakashiwas deeply hurt. His face softened in pain and he put a comforting hand on Kakashi's shoulder.
"What did he tell you, Kakashi?"
The silver haired man ran a hand into his messy hair, sighing heavily.
"Ma, a lot of things actually. But most of all he told me that he hated me, that I was not capable of doing anything but hurting the others and that I disgusted him."
His voice died in his throat and he buried his face in his long, slender hands, while Iruka was opening huge, shocked eyes.
"He really said that? Naruto?Our Naruto?"
"Hai..."
Kakashi's face was contorted in pain, and his shoulders were low, defeated. In addition to having a golden heart, Iruka liked Kakashi very much, and thus he was deeply concerned for him. Just the fact that the powerful, evasive jounin was confiding in him at his precise moment was somewhat strange. Iruka had been used to be the one going to the man for advice. After all, it was Kakashi who had opened the young sensei's eyes about Naruto not only being the Fox Demon's jinchûriki, but also a child in need of attention. He was the one who had protected Iruka many times in battle before the young man was assigned to the academy. He was the one who had been comforting Iruka with a gentle, awkward pat on his shoulder, swallowing his own pain, when sometimes he had surprised him crying in front of the Memorial where they were now.
He liked Kakashi as a truly precious friend, and his sadness hurt him.
"Oh, I'm sorry Kakashi. You know he certainly didn't mean any of his words, don't you?" the brunette told Kakashi, squeezing his shoulder.
Kakashi didn't answer, but when he raised his eyes to the stone where his loved ones' names were engraved along with those of Iruka's parents, the young man had a terrible feeling felt his heart tight in his chest.
"Don't tell me you actually believed what he said?"
Kakashi still wasn't looking at him. His eyes were fixed upon the stone. A single tear appeared at the corner of his red Sharingan and fell down his face, sliding along his deep scar which looked like the dried up bed of a river of regrets.
"The fact is that he's right, Iruka." He whispered.
"Yare, yare, come on Kakashi, what the hell are you saying?" Iruka admonished him very gently, still as though he was trying to comfort a crying child.
"He's right. My entire life is made of broken feelings and promises. In the thirty years I have lived, I have never brought any good to the world. Just death, pain and misery. He is right... He is so..."
Kakashi's entire frame went rigid when he suddenly felt Iruka's arm slide around his shoulders and pull him into a warm one-armed embrace.
"What are you doing?!" He asked, totally frozen while Irukadived his hand into his silver hair, adjusting his head against his shoulder.
"Ma, ma, daijôbu, Kakashi, it's just a hug. Come on, let yourself go. Stop restraining yourself all the time. It's just a simple, innocent hug. It's what we do to comfort people." Iruka soothed before squeezing Kakashi against him.
At first, Kakashi's eyes remained wide open, surprised. As he was staring at the stone before him, another scene came back to his mind. Someone else had done and said exactly the same thing, over fifteen years ago. That man had blonde hair and magnificent blue eyes.
His name was Namikaze Minato.
That evening, Kakashi was sitting on the bench outside the academy, immobile under the heavy rain. Everyday at the same hour, if he was not in mission, he would come there and sit on that same bench as he had always done when his father was alive, waiting for the man to come get him after school. Every evening, he would force himself to believe he was waiting for the gentle man that was Hatake Sakumo, also known as ShiroiKiba. Every evening, he would force himself to believe he was excited to tell his father about how he had surpassed himself every evening, as the hours went by, the sun was slowly fading out along with the crazy hope that maybe all of this had just been a mistake, a nightmare. That maybe, just maybe, he hadn't found his father dead on the floor of their living room, his stomach torn apart by his own sword.
That maybe, just maybe, he was not alone.
And every evening, Kakashi would remain there until the moon was high in the sky. Sometimes he would even fall asleep there on the bench, like a lost, abandoned animal.
That particular evening though, someone had come to sit next to him. The man had wrapped a warm, dry coat around his shaking shoulders.
"Kakashi-kun, a tender voice had said. It's cold here...Why don't I take you home?"
The young boy had clutched the coat around his shoulders.
"I'm fine, sensei." He had answered with a dull, dead voice, trying to wipe the tears ravaging his face by turning his back to Minato whose eyes had softened in pain.
"It's okay to cry when you are sad, Kakashi-kun. You don't have to hide from me."
"I'm not hiding. And I'm not crying. It's the rain." Kakashi had said with a shuddering voice.
"Of course it is...Come here…" Minato had said, wrapping his arm around Kakashi's shoulders and bringing him back to him, tucking his face against his chest.
"What are you doing, Minato sensei?" Kakashi had asked, his entire body going rigid.
"Ma, ma, daijôbu, Kakashi-kun, it's just a hug. It's what you do when you want to comfort someone. Come on, let yourself go. Stop restraining yourself all the time. I'm not just your sensei, I'm your friend, and I'm here for you. You can cry. There is no one else here but me."
"I'm not crying!"Kakashi had said fiercely but with a shaking voice who had betrayed him so obviously.
"Shhh…All right, all right, Kakashi-kun...All right...You are not crying, it's only the rain...Hush now…" Minato had cooed, holding the boy close to him, closing his eyes and rocking him softly.
Slowly, gently, Kakashi had closed his eyes, and in spite of all his will to remain cold and aloof, in spite of all his resolutions to never rely on anyone anymore, his heart had ached at Minato's contact. Without even realizing it, he had nestled deeper into his sensei's chest. As the huge, incommensurable pain had flooded his young heart with full force, his entire frame had started shaking with silent, discrete sobs, and Minato had just kept holding him, without saying a word. Kakashi had let out desperate, silent screams that no one else but himself could hear, and Minato had kept rocking him, rubbing soothing circles on his back, sitting there under the heavy rain, his embrace never faltering for a second.
And as he remembered that particular scene when Minato had gave him the love and the warmth Kakashi had lost so cruelly, he broke down in Iruka's shoulder. As the brunette rubbed his back softly, Kakashi turned his face and hid it into the chuunin's vest...
...and he let go.
Just like when he was a child, his sobs were silent, discrete, yet they were heart wrenching. Iruka frowned sadly and he put his other arm around the jounin, enfolding him deeper into his embrace and tucking his silver hair under his chin.
"There, there... It's okay, Kakashi-san. It's okay...I'm here…"
He held him for moment while Kakashi's frame was shaking in his arms. The jounin was exhausted, and Naruto's words had smashed his heart to pieces, dragging all his old demons back to the surface. Yet Iruka kept holding him softly, shushing him like a young child, and he couldn't help marveling at the fact that he was actually having the rare privilege to hold the famous HatakeKakashi, Shiroi Kiba's son, the legendary Copy Ninja, into his arms. It was like hugging a fierce, fantastic, but tired and lonely wolf which was so desperate for a little bit of warmth and comfort after long years of wandering in the snow.
They remained like that for quite a time, Iruka just taking Kakashi's pain into his own heart.
Then he started speaking again.
"You are being so hard on yourself, Kakashi. You keep blaming yourself again and again without realizing how much of a wonderful man you are. Everyone likes you and trusts you in the village. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they asked you to be the next Hokage. Everyone makes mistakes Kakashi, you are no exception. And though you might indeed be gifted with exceptional capacities, you are still human, and life hasn't spared you either."
He paused for a moment, caressing the wild hair and squeezing Kakashi's bare shoulders as the latter let out a tiny, painful gasp.
"We are all struggling through our lives, you know. We are struggling to understand why we are in this world, what keeps us going, fighting, or just smiling in that harsh, crazy world. We are struggling to be good shinobi, good teachers, good parents, good men and women... But we can't be perfect in every aspect, first of all because perfection as we see it is nothing but subjectivity, a mental construction based upon a certain amount of values which are themselves inherent to a certain era, a certain way of thinking. We can't actually reach perfection, for it is unreachable. So stop trying so hard. Let it go, Kakashi, let it go, and just let yourself love and be loved in return for heaven's sake, for that might be the only actual thing that we can cling onto in order to avoid falling into madness."
Kakashi still said nothing, but Iruka could feel his silent gasps and his warm tears on the skin of his neck. He held him a little bit closer and kept stroking his hair, marveling at its thick, slightly hard texture. He knew now why Kakashi's hair could stand up so easily on his head, challenging gravity itself, as though it was always filled with electricity.
"You might not realize it, but even though you are not perfect, I can tell you that you have done a wonderful job at least as a teacher."
Kakashi snorted sarcastically into his shoulder.
"No I mean it Kakashi. First of all let me remind you that you were the first to have me recognize Naruto as a person. You changed his life that day as well as mine. And then you brought him so far, you made him turn into such a talented and devoted man... And yet you remained his hero. He admires you so much, Kakashi, so much that I used to be jealous of you because I have always felt how much the love he feels for you is incommensurable."
"Oh yeah, right, I really felt that love twenty minutes ago..." Kakashi whispered through a tight throat, letting out a long sigh, his sobs easing a little.
"Whatever he told you, I am absolutely certain he didn't mean any word of it. You hear me, Kakashi? I am certain of it."
Kakashi sighed again and disengaged himself from the warm embrace, wiping his eyes and turning away from Iruka so he could lower down his mask and wipe his nose. Even though Iruka couldn't see his face, he almost melt at the sight, as he suddenly realized how cute that man was under his armor.
"Actually that is what worries me the most." The brunette said, lowering his eyes to the grass.
"What do you mean?" Kakashi sniffed.
"Don't you think his reaction is completely disproportionate? Don't you think all of this is completely surreal? Don't you think being so furious at you just because you told him three unfortunate words looks very much like a far-fetched pretext, like a bad movie scenario?"
Kakashi lowered his head, thoughtful.
"Well that's a bit overreacted yes but...I don't know. He has good reasons to be angry at me..."
"Well that was his plan, to make you believe he had actual reasons to be so angry at you. He hit you as hard as he could so you would not realize how exaggerated his anger is, and thus so you would not realize the truth."
"What truth?!"
Iruka sighed.
"Naruto is hiding, Kakashi." Iruka said, smiling sadly.
Kakashi stared at him, his red and swollen eyes slightly wide.
"And I think you know what I am talking about. Naruto is hiding from the incredible pain he feels and doesn't understand. He doesn't want to recognize he is suffering because that would mean letting go, and he is scared. It's the first time he is confronted with the actual death of someone he loves, and he is scared by the chasm that opened in his heart. And we both know that feeling well, ne, Kakashi?"
Kakashi closed his eyes and ran a hand into his hair.
"Ha.."
Iruka went on.
"He is doing exactly the same thing as you have done for so many years, Kakashi-sensei. He doesn't know how to deal with the pain. So he is concealing it, denying it, and he will try to shut the others away because he is terrified."
Kakashi had a bitter laugh.
"You seem to know me very well..."
"Well given that Naruto was so fond of you, I have been observing you for a couple of years, you know." Iruka smiled softly.
"Sou desu ka..." Kakashi sighed gently.
"Anyway...There is one person who is particularly dangerous in Naruto's eyes because that person knows him so well they can literally touch the deepest, most painful parts of his heart. That person is you, Kakashi. And from the start, he is torn apart between his desperate need for you to be there for him, and on the other hand his fear to face that abyssal, unknown pain. It's as though he was yearning for you to hug him as well as dreading it at the same time."
Kakashi's eyes filled with a strange glow Iruka could not interpret. It was a mixture between immense sadness and indestructible love. In his mind, Kakashi remembered how Naruto had seemed to be panicking when the silver haired jounin had caught him in his arms and enveloped him tight to his chest. Absent mindedly, his bare arms came to wrap themselves around his torso, remembering the feeling of Naruto's face buried into his chest, of his body wriggling against his, of his hair under his hand.
Iruka was right...Naruto had actually panicked.
"Your mistake back in Godaime's office was to give him the apparently perfect pretext to shut you away from him, by convincing himself you were his enemy and that he hated you. The shock was so hard on him that he reacted without thinking, like a survival instinct. The pain was just too immense to bear, and you gave him the perfect distraction he could cling onto to avoid falling into the abyss: anger."
Kakashi still said nothing, but Iruka could see the light of sudden comprehension is eyes.
"But that's not all... If only you had left it at that. If only you had just left him alone but of course you didn't, Kakashi, because you are such a good friend, and you just love him too much. You struggled to reach him...and that's when he decided that he needed to do everything in his power to make you hate him, by hitting your worst weaknesses."
"How come I haven't understood this?"
Iruka patted Kakashi's shoulder.
"Here you are, blaming yourself again. Naruto knows you by heart. You two are so close he can almost read that tricky mind of yours. And as he knows you are a bloody genius, the only way to effectively fool someone like you is to hit your heart, not your mind, for he knows he can't beat you there."
Kakashi nodded absent mindedly as he was slowly realizing how he had brilliantly been taken for a ride. He thought again about what had just happened with Naruto. At this moment, he had already felt that something was awfully wrong, as though Naruto wasn't himself, as though he was just too aggressive to be sincere…
…as though he was trying to persuade himself of his own words.
"Masaka..." Kakashi breathed out, slapping his forehead with his palm. God that was so obvious now.
"Actually I reckon he did the same thing when he made you believe that he was going to spoil the end of Icha Icha Tactics to make you lose your means and panic so he and Sakura could steal the bells" Iruka giggled.
Kakashi blushed a little at the memory, but then he giggled slightly, thinking about how much he and his cherished students had laughed on that day. Tsunade had been charging him with estimating Naruto and Sakura's progress over the past three years in order for them three to form their actual team Kakashi led as the Captain. After several hours of fierce, relentless fight, Naruto had come with a diabolical plan to prevent Kakashi from using not only his mind, but also his hands and his Sharingan. As Kakashi had been waiting for them under the moonlight, they had suddenly leapt on him like owls on a mouse.
"Listen to this, Kakashi-sensei!" Narutohadscreamed.
"Eh?"
"At the end of IchaIcha Tactics, we learn that the hero actually…"
"Ehhh?! No! No, everything but this!"
He had covered his ears, an expression of utter horror displayed all over his face, but then his eyes had widened even more.
"Shimatta! Even with my ears covered, I can automatically read on his lips with my Sharingan!" he had thought frantically, before whimpering and curling up on himself against the trunk of the tree behind him.
When he had opened his eyes hesitantly, fearfully, he had heard his students snigger. His hand had searched for the bells at his belt, and there he had let out a little cry of surprise, before raising his eyes to Sakura and Naruto who were triumphantly waving the bells.
"A ninja must always exercise reasonable care.",Naruto had recited, smiling like a devious imp.
"Ne, sennnsei?"Sakura had added in a nagging voice.
Kakashi had sighed and ran a hand into his hair.
"Ma, you got me…!", he had confessed, before all the three of them had burst out laughing under the moonlight.
Kakashi chuckled childishly at the memories.
"God he told you that too, ne?", he asked Iruka.
"Oh yes he did. He was so proud of himself that he bragged about it for hours."
Kakashi chuckled again and Iruka's heart warmed at the sight of the Copy ninja smiling so fondly when he thought about his cherished, boisterous blonde.
"Ma, that boy is definitely most unpredictable. He can be as dense as a brick as well as sly as a fox".
"Well about the sly part, as I told you, he learned from the best, Kakashi-sensei. You were a brilliant teacher to him."
Kakashi raised his eyes to Iruka and he gave him a grateful, soft smile. The young man couldn't help thinking that even with his mask, the silver haired man was very handsome, and deep behind his mismatched pupils, Iruka could feel the immensity of Kakashi's heart. That man had so much love to give, so much tenderness to share.
"Ma…What should I do, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked with a sigh.
"Well, I am going to tell you exactly the same thing as you did so many years ago to a young, inexperienced school teacher who didn't know how to deal with a particularly boisterous, stubborn child."
They both looked at each other and Iruka squeezed Kakashi's shoulder in his hand, before repeating these words he had never, ever forgotten.
"You are the only one who can reach Naruto's heart, Kakashi-san. Don't give up, I am certain that you will find the way."
Kakashi's eyes filled with so much warmth and gratefulness that Iruka almost thought he was going to hug him. Yet instead, Kakashi put his slender hand over the one Iruka was laying on his shoulder and he squeezed it firmly while diving such passionate, determined eyes into the brunette's that the latter's heart missed a beat.
"Wakatta. As our Naruto would say, I will never give up."
