And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The last month has been a major emotional roller coaster. One minute I was up, the next down, the next on the way up, and then crashing down not thinking anything can get worse then this. Lucas is gone…Haley is gone…the baby…my baby…is gone. The last piece I have of Lucas is just gone. So here I am now alone…on Christmas morning…trying to tell myself that losing the baby is not my fault. But instead it was God's plan, because he must have known that it would have been too much of a struggle for me. That reasoning and rationale did not help at all. It was 11 o'clock, and I knew that I'd eventually have to get up and be some what productive today. So taking a major risk, I got in my car and drove over to Nathan and Haley's, with all of their Christmas presents in the backseat. I did not want this little argument with Haley ruin the baby's first Christmas. So in no time, I was at there front door. Didn't think this plan through though because what if Haley answers the door…Oh well, too late to turn back now I already rang the door bell. Thank the Lord Nathan answered the door.
"Hey…Merry Christmas." I think he was shocked to see me here.
"Ya, you too B." We slowly moved into the living room. "Haley's in the shower if you wanted to talk to her."
"Actually, I just came here to drop off all of your gifts. Where is Bella?"
"Sleeping in the living room."
"Was she up early cause of Santa?" I actually laughed and smiled, first time I've done that in a long time.
"Haha, no…we wanted to change her nap schedule a bit so she was up for when my mom comes over."
"Oh, well let me just put these under the tree and be on my way. I don't want to mess up your day."
"Why don't you just stay? You're always welcome here, and I know Bella would love that."
"I'm sure she would, but your wife and I currently have some issues to work out and that will just sour everyone's mood." Before Nathan could say anything else, I slipped the gifts, money, and cards under the tree, kissed him and Bella, and ran out the door. Haley was judgmental over me just having sex, she was going to freak once I told her I had gotten pregnant. And then the sympathy would come as soon as she learned the real truth. I just couldn't handle that right now. I drove home as fast as I could, crying the entire way. The crying didn't stop there; it continued when I got to the bedroom and eventually I cried myself to sleep. This wasn't how I planned to spend Christmas at all…just a holiday that I ruined.
I know this is short but I hit a major writers block on this chapter. Hopefully the next one will be up quickly.
