Chapter Nine: Down in the Well
Yami Naruto's eyes widened as they got caught into the illusion, and the young man felt himself fall into a vortex of irresistible energy. All around him, the walls of time and space seemed to distort themselves into a display of abstract colours that slowly faded out until he completely lost his bearings.
Suddenly, his head hit a dusty, hard ground, and he grunted.
He took a short time to get up, as he felt slightly dizzy.
He rose on his feet and looked around. Surprised, he realized that he was at the exact same spot. Turning on himself, he searched for Kakashi that was lying under him a couple of minutes before, yet he was nowhere to be found. The riverbank was peaceful, as though nothing happened.
The light was different though.
He raised his eyes up and realized the clouds were oddly racing through a reddish sky. The world was completely silent, and the river was dead still, like a mirror.
Yami Naruto thought for a second.
Where the fuck am I?
Breathing fast, growling angrily, he remembered Kakashi's last words.
Mangekyô Sharingan.
He swore and spat on the ground.
"Damn you, Hatake! Get me the Hell out of there so I can bleed you dry!" he screamed.
His voice reverberated through the air, and its echo disappeared in the distance.
The world didn't move, except for the clouds which pursued their swift, endless escape.
Yami Naruto cursed, and he was going to shout again when he caught a shiny sparkle from the corner of his eye.
He turned his head on his left and searched for the source of the highlight. After a short time, it appeared again.
It came from the river.
Yami Naruto stared at it, suspicious. He remained still for a moment.
Nothing happened, and the sparkle kept dancing on the river. The blonde boy looked up at the sky, then back at the little highlight, and he frowned. It was completely illogical, as it seemed to be totally independent from the ambient light.
Finally, curiosity got the better of him, and he approached slowly, warily.
The highlight kept shimmering on the calm, still water, and Yami Naruto kneeled on the river bank. Slowly, he leaned forward and looked in the water.
He gasped when he didn't see his reflection.
It was just as though the water was a window behind which there was another room. It looked like the inside of a large, military tent. There was a man standing in front of a table on which was sprawled a large map.
The man had silver, spiky hair.
Yami Naruto growled but he was stopped by a soft knock. Surprised to hear a sound, he stopped and watched carefully.
"Come in." Kakashi answered in a cold, tense voice.
Yami Naruto gasped as he recognized himself entering the tent.
That Naruto had beautiful blue eyes, and he was about three years younger.
The blue-eyed blonde entered the tent, but he remained in the entrance, apparently not daring to come forward. He was twisting his hands and looking at the floor.
"You…You asked for me?"
Kakashi rose from the map and turned towards him, crossing his arms and standing firmly in the ground.
"Obviously." He answered with the same, cold voice.
Naruto still didn't dare looking into the furious eyes. He scratched the back of his head and had an embarassed laugh.
"All right look…I'm sorry-ttebayo, I guess I didn't think…"
"I beg your pardon?" Kakashi asked in a voice that made the temperature of the room fall down several degrees.
Naruto gulped.
"Err...I...I wasn't thinking about what I was doing..."
There was a dead silence. Kakashi had his arms crossed on his muscular chest. He was completely still, like a marble statue, but his eyes were boring holes into Naruto. Watching the scene, Yami Naruto reminded how his other self had felt at that moment. He had been completely paralysed, because he wasn't used to seeing Kakashi so angry. Kakashi was a kind, sometimes a bit evasive man. He was used to Naruto's blunders, and he had a habit of scowling him a bit harshly before ruffling his hair, or of forcing his head down in a bow before a particularly pissed off Hokage. Yet at that time, he looked like a pillar of ice. His jaw was clenched and his nose slightly crinkled as though he was growling. Somewhere in his mind, Yami Naruto remembered that at that precise moment, his other self had vaguely thought Kakashi really looked like a wolf ready to jump at his throat.
Then the man had spoken in a low, icy voice.
"Is that your excuse?"
Naruto had lowered his head and said nothing.
"Let me resume the situation, Kakashi went on, we are right in the middle of an operation against the Shiroitaka, I assign precise roles to each and everyone of you so that things go smoothly, and you just blow a fuse and decide that you are going to end the battle all by yourself by just diving headfirst into their General Quarters. And now you tell me you "were not thinking?" Do you only hear youself, Naruto?"
Naruto whispered.
"It went well in the end, we have captured the..."
"Silence!" Kakashi snapped in a sudden, strong voice
Naruto started a bit and coiled further back from the jounin.
"I am mad at you, Naruto. I am so mad at you. I have been telling you the same thing over and over again but it just doesn't seem to sink into that thick, baka head of yours. So now you listen to me good. And look at your Captain when he's talking to you!"
Naruto raised his eyes to him but regretted it instantly. Kakashi was terrifying, and he suddenly seemed extremely tall. He was standing firm on his feet, his chest and his shoulders were broad and strong, his hair standing almost vertically on his head in an extraordinary silver rain.
"You are to follow my fucking orders to the letter. When I tell you to do something, you do it, no questions asked. When I tell you to stay put and not run forward like a fucking idiot, you stay fucking put and you don't run forward like a fucking idiot. Do you understand that?" Kakashi shouted in a strong, authoritative voice.
"H...hai..."
"Hai whom?!"
"Hai, Kakashi-sensei..."
Kakashi sighed and shook his head, wincing. Then he resumed his lecture, his voice growing louder again as he was going on.
"This could have ended up in a disaster, Naruto. If Sakura hadn't reacted so fast, you could have both been killed. She saved your ass while putting herself in an extremely delicate situation, and I will not forgive you for putting her life in danger, no more than I will forgive you for putting your own life at risk as well."
Naruto lowered his eyes again, guilt flooding his heart.
"Now don't you make me repeat this, Naruto. The next time you force me to tell you that again, I swear it is not going to end well for you. Got it?!" Kakashi yelled.
Naruto nodded sadly.
"I...I'm so sorry sensei-ttebayo…"
He gulped and kept his eyes glued to his feet. There was an awkward silence, during which only Kakashi's angry breathing could be heard.
"I…Maybe I should go…" Naruto whispered, turning to the door.
There was another silence, then Kakashi had a brusque movement forward. Naruto, thinking he was going to hit him, gasped and put his arms in front of his face to protect himself.
"ImeanpleaseletmegoKakashi-senseittebayoI'mreallysorr…." He blabbered so fast he almost bit his tongue.
Yet Kakashi grabbed his wrist and Naruto felt himself be yanked forward.
"Come here, you fucking nuthead." The jounin said curtly.
Naruto's face landed right into Kakashi's shoulder and got pressed in, further and further as Kakashi was pushing the back of his head with a hand in his hair, until Naruto couldn't see anything anymore. As at the time he was still a teenager, he was much smaller than Kakashi. As a result, he felt his feet detach from the ground as the man straightened up with his face trapped in his shoulder.
Kakashi wrapped his other arm around the lower of his back and held him in place, squeezing him so tight Naruto had hard time to breathe. Yet he didnt dare make any move for fear Kakashi would crush him in his powerful arms. He just focused on trying to breathe the best he could, as his face was litterally squashed into his shoulder, his feet dangling above the ground. After a few minutes of a fierce, silent hug, Kakashi leaned down to put Naruto back on the ground, but he didn't falter his embrace and kept his face buried in his shoulder. Then he spoke again in a much gentler voice.
"You scared the Hell out of me, Naruto-chan."
By the riverbank, Yami Naruto felt a tiny, distant tug at his heart when he heard that nickname. That was the first time Kakashi had ever called him that, and he remembered how he had felt at this moment.
He had felt sincerely, deeply loved.
In the tent, Kakashi started caressing Naruto's hair slowly, as though he was holding something precious.
"You have to stop doing this, do you understand? You're putting all your comrades in danger and..."
Kakashi paused a moment. Then he tightened his embrace.
"...and I don't want to lose you. All right?"
Naruto raised his arms and hugged Kakashi's waist.
"Hai, sensei...Gomen..." He answered in a muffled voice.
Yami Naruto observed them as they were remaining embraced. He remembered how strong Kakashi's arms had felt around him, how tightly he had held him. It had lasted a very long time, as though he would never let go of him again.
He had felt so safe in his arms.
He remembered his appeasing smell, his soft voice, the gentle caress of his long hand in his hair…
Suddenly he seemed to wake up, and he slapped the water furiously, making the tender scene disappear.
He rose on his feet and growled at the sky.
"You are being ridiculous. Are you seriously going to fight me with the fucking "power of love"? Do you think reminding me of these moments you spent with that fool will work against me? Don't you think you have hurt him far more often than you have loved him? Now quit fucking around with me and show yourself, you coward!"
Again, his angry voice floated in the quiet air, but Kakashi didn't appear.
"Fine! You want to play with me? All right we'll play. I'm going to find you, even if I have to walk to the end of that cursed world of yours."
He started moving towards the forest. The trees were also completely frozen, and there was absolutely no sound. No wind was playing in the leaves, no bird was singing. It was like a particularly realistic dream, where the world seemed so concrete you could actually feel it, yet something seemed out of place, illogical, although it was barely explainable. Yami Naruto felt like he was wandering in a parallel universe where mankind had never existed, where time did not run, where space was infinite.
He walked for a moment before he heard a scream. He started, jerking his head towards the sound which contrasted so much with the otherwise dominant peace.
There in the trees, there was a bright, white light. Thinking he was going to find Kakashi there, Yami Naruto rushed forward. Yet instead of ending up in a clearing as he thought he would, Yami Naruto found himself in a hospital room. On the bed, a blonde-haired boy was screaming and crying while five nurses were trying to overpower him.
Again, it was his alter ego, when he was about fourteen years old.
Yet this time he didn't remember that scene. He watched as his former self was twisting and screaming, trying to repel the nurses, sobbing like a little child. Observing him carefully, Yami Naruto realized that his eyes were not fixed. They kept wandering around without ever stopping.
He was blind.
Then suddenly the door of the room barged open, revealing a wide-eyed, short-breathed Kakashi.
"Yamete! Yamete kudasai!" Naruto kept screaming, completely terrorized.
Kakashi strode forward and shouted.
"Everyone out!"
"But Kakashi-san…!" A nurse protested.
"He has been stung by a squared-tailed scorpion, thus he is delusional and he has lost his sight! Can't you see you are scaring him?! Now get the Hell out of here!"
The nurses exchanged worried glances, but as usual, no one dared to argue with an angry Hatake Kakashi. They almost ran to the door, and Kakashi climbed on the bed next to Naruto.
"Maaa, Naruto-kun...You hear me?"
Naruto kept sobbing while Kakashi reached out his arms slowly to lay his hands on the blonde's shoulders. When he touched him though, Naruto had a brusque movement backwards and coiled against the wall.
"D-don't t-touch me!" He gasped.
"Shhh...Calm down Naruto...I'm not going to hurt you."
"Wh-who are y-you?! L-l-leave me alone!" Naruto hiccupped while lifting his arm in front of his face.
Kakashi delicately brushed Naruto's arm to lower it down.
"It's me, Kakashi sensei...I am your friend. I won't hurt you, I promise."
He remained still for a short time, just caressing Naruto's arm, whispering sweet words.
"I c-can't see! I…Wh-What's happening to me?!" Naruto asked, hyperventilating, rotating his head in every direction.
"It's only temporary, Naruto-kun. You have been hit by a square-tailed scorpion, remember? Sakura needed those special herbs, the Emerald Hoops, and they can be found only in square-tailed scoprions' burrows… You have to be patient; you will eventually come back to your senses. Trust me, okay?" Kakashi answered in a soft, reassuring voice. Slowly, he slid a hand behind Naruto's back while the other one was traveling up the back of his neck to tangle in his blonde, messy hair.
"Calm down, trust me...Shhh..." Kakashi whispered.
The blonde was shaking violently. Kakashi started pulling him into his embrace by delicately guiding his face towards his chest.
"Come in my arms..." He whispered.
Yami Naruto observed as Kakashi tucked the blonde's face under his chin, slowly, tenderly. Naruto had a strangled gasp and tried to free himself but Kakashi encircled his head with both of his arms and kept his face buried in his chest.
"Shhhhhh..." He soothed in a long, tender whisper.
He kissed Naruto's hair and swayed him softly back and forth.
"I'm here, Naruto-chan. I've got you, I won't let anyone or anything hurt you. I promise you...Shhh now...calm down...calm down, it's over ..."
Naruto let out a sob in his chest and clang to him with desperate strength.
"D-don't...l-let g-go..." He hiccupped, as he was having trouble breathing.
Kakashi kept a hand in his hair, pressing the blonde's face further his chest, while his other arm came around his back to rub him soothingly.
"I won't, Kakashi answered in his ear. I promise. You're safe in my arms, remember? You're safe. I'm protecting you. I will always protect you..."
Naruto crammed his face in the jounin's chest and he started sobbing harder, his entire body shaking. Kakashi wrapped his arms around his head again and smothered him in his chest.
"You're safe in my arms..." He kept repeating.
Yami Naruto's face colored with a strange expression.
He didn't want to watch this.
Somehow, it hurt him deep inside.
It made him feel like he had…
…lost something…
It made him feel as though he was…
…lonelier than ever…
The words were jostling in his mind in an illogical dance, and he felt the violent urge to flee.
Yet he just couldn't look away.
He couldn't look away from Kakashi's so tender, protective embrace. He couldn't tear his eyes off the silver-haired man's face, because his expression was so...
...beautiful…
Yes. Kakashi was beautiful, because he radiated love.
Even with his mask on, Yami Naruto could see his eyes closed, his brows slightly furrowed, and his jaw clenching. It was an expression of devotion. He was holding Naruto so tight he could see his hands twisting the blonde's shirt, so close that Naruto's face had disappeared in his chest.
Suddenly, Yami Naruto couldn't stand it anymore. He grabbed a stone and once again threw it at the scene which disappeared.
"Is that all you've got?! A simple hug when that idiot got beaten up again? Is that your big weapon? This is nothing but a loss of time. You're showing me these small, fluffy moments you spent with him, but you're not showing all the rest, right Kakashi? Yes, sure, that's full of hearts and little flying fairies, all of this is very pretty, but have you forgotten that for years you only had eyes for that self-righteous, arrogant Sasuke ? You taught that guy a murderous technique he almost killed your Naruto with. And then you act all lovey-dovey with that fool because Sasuke is gone to find someone as crazy and dangerous as him, and you feel like shit, so oh what's that?! That's incredible! There's a blonde boy there too, who is desperate for your attention! Maybe he is the only chance you have to fix up your own mess so let's start and get interested in him!"
He paused and shook his head.
"I'm fed up with this, Kakashi, all right? That's enough! Get your ass down there!" Yami Naruto yelled again.
Yet Kakashi remained nowhere to be found, and Yami Naruto resumed his wandering. For what seemed hours and hours, he encountered new memories of Kakashi and him. They were alternatively sad, happy or funny memories, like a palette of different colours composing a great, beautiful and contrasting painting. In this one, Kakashi was trying to calm the Sandaime's anger when Naruto and the others had sneaked in the archives building to search for a photograph of Kakashi. In that other one, Naruto had an intimate conversation about girls with Kakashi in the public bath. In that other one, Naruto was rolling on the floor laughing as he had just played a particularly mean prank to Kakashi which included stealing his favourite book and replacing it with one that sprung a giant box glove when it was opened. Again in another one, Kakashi and Naruto were sprawled on Kakashi's apartment floor. Naruto was in his pajamas, and Kakashi was holding and shushing him to his bare chest. The blonde was shaking with panicked sobs after a nightmare involving particularly scary ghosts, nightmare which had sent him fly right to Kakashi's apartment in the middle of the night. Kakashi had held him until the by had fallen asleep again, and he had carried him back to his flat. There, he had stayed at his side during the entire night, reading under the moonlight, just to make sure the blonde had a peaceful night.
Yami Naruto kept searching for Kakashi, trying not to pay attention to the scenes which kept appearing through the tall, immobile trees, as he took another path or as he hopped over a ravine.
Yet each time, he watched.
The scenes started to include Sakura, then Sai, then Shikamaru and all his best friends. He saw himself laugh while Shikamaru was ruffling his hair and calling him a troublesome idiot. He saw that famous night where they had been playing cards with Shikamaru, Kakashi, Chouji, Lee and Guy. That particular night, Chouji, Lee, Guy and Naruto had got eliminated from the game, and Kakashi and Shikamaru had been playing hours to determine the winner, so much that Naruto had ended up drooling on Kakashi's shoulder, sleeping like a log.
The worst thing was that in the end, neither Shikamaru nor Kakashi had ever wanted to tell who had won.
He gritted his teeth, his heart clenching further and further, as the memories kept appearing. A blushing Hinata behind that tree, a pissed off Yamato behind that one, and a happy Sakura carrying a huge cake to celebrate his return after three years of training with Jiraiya.
Then, as Yami Naruto was crossing a stream in the forest, he heard Yamato's voice.
"Senpai! We shouldn't do this! That's not reasonable, this is a private domain and we are not allowed to light fires!"
"Maaa, maaaa, you worry too much Tenzou. I promised the kids I would make them taste some grilled dragon mushrooms, and they can only be found here, you know that right? I'll just take it on me if we get caught, okay?" Kakashi's happy voice rang into the air.
Sitting around a happily roaring fire were Sai, Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi and Yamato. Kakashi and his younger students were holding wooden sticks around which they had wrapped a particularly long, reddish mushroom. Sai, Sakura and Naruto were smiling like children, excited to be doing something forbidden under their own sensei's guidance.
"Stop calling me Tenzou!"
"Maaa, you're awfully grumpy today! Come on, relax, you all have worked well today and I'm proud of you. Let's have some fun now, all right? Now listen up. You have to put the mushroom just above the fire, but not right into it or it will cook on the inside, now that's not what we want is it? We want it to remain soft at its core and crispy on the outside…."
Kakashi showed how to cook the mushroom, smiling softly as his students were looking at him with absolute attention. Even Yamato ended up following the lesson after enrolling his own mushroom while grumbling like an old owl.
Then a voice boomed behind Yamato.
"What in the seven Hells do you think you're doing?!"
Yamato jumped so high in the air he almost opened his skull on the branch above him, and he turned towards the man behind him, raising his hands in surrender.
"Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen!" he kept shouting.
The man strode forward and it poofed back into a blonde, blue-eyed boy with a grin so wide it touched both his ears.
"Hahahahahahaha! You should see your face, Yamato taichou-ttebayo!" he howled in laughter before disappearing in the air, while the real Naruto was rolling on the floor laughing by the fire, along with Sai and Sakura. Kakashi's beautiful voice also rose in a hearty, sincere laugh, and the four of them had to hold their sides while Yamato was sitting back angrily and crossing his arms.
"Humph…That was not funny at all. That was really mean. Grmmblblblll…."
Kakashi stood up and went to sit next to him.
"Maaaaa, come on Tenzou, chill out, for crying out loud!" he said casting an arm around his shoulders.
"My name is Yamato, Senpai, for crying out loud!"
As Kakashi, Sai, Naruto and Sakura burst out laughing again, a little giggle came to Yami Naruto's ears.
Horror struck him when he realized that giggle had just come out of his own throat.
He pressed a hand tightly to his mouth and went right through the illusional fire in order to dive further into the forest. As he was moving forward between the thick bushes and leaves, he could hear the happy laughs that kept ringing behind him, and his heart bled.
The truth was, he had completely forgotten about that moment, and he had suddenly remembered how much he had laughed that night. He had remembered that he had wished that night would never end, that he could always be with his closest friends, laughing with them under the stars and eating a delicious grilled mushroom. The only dark thought that had crossed his mind that night was that he truly missed Sasuke.
Again, Yami Naruto shook his head. He was starting to lose it. The howling scream in his heart was slowly overcome by a warm, powerful feeling which he didn't understand.
I don't want to understand.
This is not me.
That part of me is dead.
All of this is not my life.
He growled and smashed his fist into a tree, diving his hand right through the trunk.
"Kakashi, when I find you, I'm going to smash your face in so hard your nose is going to stick in the back of your head!"
Deep down, he couldn't deny that Kakashi was indeed a formidable opponent. That bastard was good at physical combat as well as mental, and Yami Naruto could feel he was losing control on his heart.
Suddenly he gasped as he felt his leg dive through the ground as he was taking another step forward.
"What the f…!"
He went right through a thick carpet of leaves and fell into a dark, slightly mossy hole. Banging his head on a rock, he swore and coughed the dust that had entered his lungs in the fall. Then he opened his eyes and looked around, and he had another soft, surprised gasp.
Just a few feet from him, Kakashi was lying down on his stomach, squinting through a curtain of leaves, the upper part of his face painted in black so that his large, almond-shaped eyes looked like jewels in a pool of liquid coal.
Without thinking, Yami Naruto yelled.
"Got you, bastard!"
He crawled forward and jerked his arm towards the man to hit him…
…yet his fist went right through his head.
Yami Naruto remained stunned for a short time, his fist still clenched in the air, his face immobilized in a surprised expression. Then he understood it was another illusion, and he seethed.
"Oh for crying out loud, will you stop doing that and fight me for real?!"
"Sen-sensei…" a soft voice raised in the narrow space.
Yami Naruto squinted hard to see in the feebly lit burrow, and he started discerning another shape next to Kakashi. It was the body of a teenager, and he seemed to be lying on his back. Kakashi had a protective arm cast over the body's stomach while looking out with a deadly serious expression. Yet as soon as he heard the soft, worried voice, his expression changed and he reported all his attention on the teen.
"Yes, Naruto?" he answered in a gentle voice, his eyes softening.
Yami Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Oh by all the fucking damn…" he started, exasperated.
"I...I screwed up again, right sensei-ttebayo?" the other Naruto asked. He looked about thirteen years old.
Kakashi sighed.
"Ma...Let's just say that you have led us in a pretty tricky situation here…"
Naruto coughed, and Yami Naruto remembered he had been particularly wounded at that time. Again, he had disobeyed Kakashi's orders, and the man had found him lying on the ground, poisoned by a particularly strong jutsu. Being himself almost chakra-depleted and knowing that moving Naruto in that state would certainly kill him, he had sent Pakkun and Sakura to find a medic nin in Konoha and bring them back. Meantime, they had to hide somewhere because they were still at the core of the ennemy's territory.
Kakashi scratched his head.
"I hope you are aware of the fact that if you were not already badly wounded, I would beat the crap out of you for disobeying me again?" he asked.
Naruto answered with a nasty coughing fit, and Kakashi's face colored with worry as he took him by his shoulders and turned him on his side so he wouldn't suffocate.
"Easy, easy there…" Kakashi said, wiping Naruto's mouth.
"GnngN it hurts…!" Naruto whined.
"I know. Hang in there, Naruto, all right? Help is coming."
Like Kakashi, Naruto's face was covered with a dark paste to camouflage his skin, and he raised stunningly blue eyes to his sensei.
"Sensei…Am I…going to die here?" he whispered.
As he observed the scene, Yami Naruto remembered how the boy had felt at this moment. The poison had been playing around with his senses, and for the first time, he had truly believed he was going to die. It was the first time of his young life that he had been contemplating death, and he had been scared out of his mind. Yet he remembered that he didn't want to show Kakashi that he was scared. To his eyes, he wasn't allowed to be scared, a future Hokage was brave no matter what, and they had no right to feel fear.
And then Yami Naruto's heart clenched again when he remembered Kakashi's reaction, even before the scene unraveled once again before his eyes.
Kakashi had a soft gasp, and he turned a surprised face to the young man. Then he pulled himself together and cast an arm around the blonde's shoulders.
"Maa, maa, maa, what kind of nonsense are you blabbering again?!"
"Well I mean…I'm…I'm cold and…and I can feel the p-poison going fast."
Kakashi took off both his vest and shirt, struggling in the narrow space, his bare chest rubbing against the earth.
"What are you doing?!" Naruto asked.
Kakashi didn't answer and he wrapped Naruto into his clothes before taking his face into his hands and sticking their foreheads together.
" You are not going anywhere, Naruto, you hear me?" Kakashi said, insisting on every word.
"But..Sensei…"
"Hush now. Stop talking. A medic nin will get here soon, and they will heal you. I have no doubt about that."
Naruto gulped.
"And…And if they…don't find us?"
Kakashi frowned, as he was not used to Naruto being so doubtful. Yami Naruto knew the man had thought very carefully to choose his words.
"They will, Pakkun and Sakura will be leading them."
"B…But."
"Shhh, calm down, Naruto, Kakashi answered in a soothing voice, kneading the back of Naruto's neck, I promise you they will find us, and even if they didn't, then I would take you myself to Konoha."
"But…You don't have any more chakra-ttebayo…"
"I will for you. I will share the chakra I have left with you, and I will get you out of there. I'm your sensei right? Do you honestly think I would let you die? Don't worry Naruto-kun, I know what I'm doing. No matter what, you are notallowed to die, okay? And this time, don't you dare disobey me."
Naruto had a soft, grateful smile.
"Hai, Kakashi-sensei-ttebayo…"
Kakashi ruffled his hair.
"That's my boy. Now calm down and breathe."
He let go of his face and turned his body to lie down again on his stomach, watching through the leaves.
As the minutes went by, Naruto let out soft whimpers as his body was starting to shake.
Again, Kakashi turned concerned eyes to him. He laid the back of his hand on his forehead and his eyes widened when he felt the temperature.
"C…Cold…I'm c-cold…" Naruto said, his teeth chattering.
Yami Naruto felt something warm invade his body when he watched Kakashi turn again towards Naruto. He lied down on his side and reached out his arms towards the young boy. He caught him and engulfed him into his bare chest by wrapping his arms tight around him. Naruto had a surprised gasp.
"W…What are you…d-doing K-Kakashi sensei…W-We're b-both…m-men!", he protested, detaching his head from Kakashi's chest and trying to repel him.
Kakashi had a soft chuckle which eased his worried features. He grabbed Naruto's head in his hand and forced his face back against his chest, pressing his cheek on the neat line that separated Kakashi's pectorals.
"Don't be silly. I need to give you some warmth. It will help fight the poison. Now shut up."
He tightened his other arm around the blonde's shoulders and started rubbing him vigorously to warm him up. Yami Naruto remembered the strange feelings that had flooded his heart at that precise moment. He remembered that he had blushed very hard at the idea of being held so close to Kakashi's naked chest, yet he had never understood why. He had never talked about this event to anyone, no more than he had ever admitted that he had truly liked that. To one point, he had actually felt the intense urge to turn his face in order to bury it between Kakashi's pectorals so he could smell his scent and feel his warmth engulf his face, so that nothing would ever get him in there.
Yet it had certainly been an effect of the poison.
Obviously…
I remember the softness of his skin…The slightly salty scent of his sweat…The firmness of his muscles under my cheek…The sound of his beating heart…The strength of his arms…The tenderness of his hand in my hair…The contraction of his biceps and his pectorals as he was tightening his embrace…
Yami Naruto shook his head.
"Okay that's enough, that's ridiculous, I'm out of there."
He started hauling himself up to get out of the hole and search for the real Kakashi when the illusion spoke again.
"You know that it's okay to be scared, don't you, Naruto-kun?"
In his arms, Naruto started fidgeting but Kakashi kept him firmly against him.
"I'm n-n-not s-sc-scared-tt-tt-ttebayo."
"Mmmhmmh…" Kakashi hummed cynically. His deep, beautiful voice rolled in his throat like tender waves vibrating against Naruto's hair as he tightened his embrace around him.
"I-I-m t-t-elling you I-I..'m n-not sc-scared tt-ttebayo!" Naruto fumed.
Kakashi couldn't help but chuckling, and again, his voice provoked a wave of heat in Yami Naruto's heart. Vaguely, he told himself that Kakashi was really the only person in his life to have the power to make him feel so protected only with his voice.
"Shhh, shhh, shhh…All right all right, you're not scared."
He caressed his hair tenderly with the hand that cradled his face against his chest, and kept rubbing his back with the other.
"I'm just saying that being Hokage doesn't mean not knowing fear."
Naruto gasped in his chest, and Yami Naruto remembered what he had thought at that time.
Damn, that man can read minds!
"On the contrary, Kakashi kept on in his low voice, being Hokage means that you know fear, but that you are experienced enough to work with it. It means that you can face your fears, and guide the others accordingly. Fear doesn't reflet cowardice, Naruto-kun, but wisdom."
Naruto didn't say anything, but Yami Naruto knew that sentence had just become engraved in his heart forever.
"Yet now there's no reason to be afraid, because I'm here. I'm right here with you, and I will get you back to Konoha, no matter what. Wakatta, Naruto-chan?"
Naruto still didn't say anything. His throat had become tight, and tears had come up to his eyes. He closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Kakashi, who felt his emotion. He hugged him fiercely as Naruto kept shaking.
"Daijoubu…I'm here. I promise you I will protect you." he whispered, closing his eyes.
After a short, tender time, he seemed to remember something. He opened his eyes and let go of Naruto's head to search the pouch hanging on his waist. Soon, he retrieved a small object enveloped in a brown paper, and he showed it to Naruto who looked at him with curious, tired eyes.
"Do you know what this is?"
Naruto shook his head slowly.
"It's your birthday present."
Naruto's eyes widened and he opened his mouth, astonished.
"F-For m-me?!"
"Maa, of course for you, baka, do you see anyone else in here?"
Yami Naruto looked as the tears were brimming in Naruto's eyes. His heart was awfully constricted. He remembered that it was the first year Kakashi had actually bought a present to Naruto for his birthday. He had been touched beyond reason.
"I took it with me because your birthday is tomorrow and I thought we would still be on mission. I'm showing it to you now, but I'm not giving it to you."
"Why n-nooot?!" Naruto protested vigorously.
Kakashi laughed.
"First because today is not your birthday and second because I will only give it to you when I get you back to Konoha safe and sound. See it as a promise. You have to hold on until then, all right?"
"T-Tell m-me wh-what i-it is tt-ttebayo!"
"No way" Kakashi said, putting the small object back in his pocket.
"K-Kakashi-s-sensei!"
"Maaaa! Maaaa! I said no." Kakashi answered as he grabbed Naruto's hair again to put his face back in his chest. Then he wrapped both of his arms around his shoulders and squeezed him tight, putting his chin on his hair and sighing like a cat having just swallowed a mouse.
"I-is i-it s-something y-you c-can eat?"
"Nope."
"S-something f-for f-fight-fighting then-ttebayo?"
"Nope."
"Oh c-come o-on!" Naruto cried out.
"Shh! Shut up, you are going to get us caught."
"B-But…"
"Naruto."
"But Sensei!"
"Stop talking or I promise I will knock you out." Kakashi said authoritatively while crushing Naruto's face to his bare hest.
The scene kept going, and Yami Naruto didn't realize he was observing them with a soft, nostalgic smile on his face. With his hand, he was playing absent-mindedly with the necklace that was hanging around his neck. It was the necklace Kakashi had offered his alter ego for his thirteenth birthday, as he was lying in a hospital room.
The pendant of that necklace was a maerlstorm embracing a leaf, delicately sculpted in silver.
When Kakashi had given him the necklace, as he had promised back in the burrow, Naruto had been looking at it like an incredible treasure. It was a present that had gone straight to his heart, because it represented his very dream: himself protecting his home. He had been so touched by the meaning of that little, beautiful sculpture, that big, salty tears had started rolling on his cheeks. He had raised his eyes up to Kakashi, opening his mouth to thank him, but he hadn't been able to utter a single word. Kakashi had smiled softly, and he had wiped his tears with his thumbs.
"Even the strongest Hokage has to be scared. It is what gives them the courage and the strength to lead and protect their people. I believe in you, Naruto, and that's why I intend to guide you and protect you until you reach your dream, and beyond. I will always be there for you."
Yami Naruto's heart broke at this memory, and he had a brusque movement backwards. He clenched his shirt over his heart and winced. It seemed that his chest was constricted by an iron vice, and he found it hard to breathe. He was still in the burrow, and he felt like he was going to suffocate. He tore his eyes from the tender embrace that was still portrayed before him, and he hauled himself up, digging through the earth to reach the surface.
When he finally got out, he started running.
He just ran.
He wasn't even looking for Kakashi anymore. He was fleeing.
He couldn't stand it anymore.
He couldn't stand his heart being flooded and devoured with a torrent of contradictory emotions. He couldn't stand the incredible love Kakashi was showing him, yet, he didn't understand why. It was almost as though he was desperately aching for that love deep inside, but at the same time running from it.
Why? Why do you keep running?
After racing for what seemed like miles, Yami Naruto stopped, panting, and he planted his feet on the ground. He had got out of the forest, and he was now on top of a cliff that overlooked a beautiful valley, crossed by the peaceful river. There, he raised his dark and red eyes to the sky, staring at the reddish sky that strangely seemed to be crumbling slightly. From his throat, a bitter laugh escaped like a sob.
"Where were you?" he whispered.
He remained there for a moment, panting, and then he fell on his knees.
"Where were you when I was five years old, when I was hungry and when people would throw me stones while I was just asking for something to eat?"
He drew a shuddering breath.
"Where were you when I was seven years old, when I was beaten up everyday at school?"
His throat was so tight it hurt when he spoke. His suffering was so immense it was like an ocean drowning his heart and crushing it under its impossible weight.
"Where were you for almost eleven years of my life, when I was lonely, and hated, and rejected?"
He crashed both his fists to the ground and screamed, his face twisting in anger and resentment.
"Six years ago you wouldn't give a rat's ass about me, before I ended up in your care! Until four years ago when Sasuke left, you didn't give a damn about me, you just focused on Sasuke when I was doing everything in my power to have some damn worth in your eyes! For all these years you just ignored me, and now you think you can erase all of this just by hugging me and saying that you will always be there for me?! That you will always protect me? That's too easy, Kakashi! "
He remained there for a moment, his face turned to the sky, panting. Then his heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened.
I said I.
Without realizing it, Yami Naruto had just reconnected himself with his other self. He had appropriated his emotions.
He had just rebuilt the link.
He growled angrily and grasped his head, shaking it fiercely.
"What am I saying…That's not me…None of this is addressed to me…You are just trying to get rid of me because as usual, I'm a nuisance…"
Yami Naruto started to understand why he had felt so sad at rewinding all these memories.
They were not properly his memories. They were his other self's. All the love and care Kakashi had showed him in these scenes were not addressed to him. He was just trying to beat him, to erase him from Uzumaki Naruto's body.
"And me? What am I? Who am I? Have I not the right to exist? Have I not the right to be loved too? To have friends? To be considered as a human being instead of a monster?!" Yami Naruto whispered, a tear rolling on his cheek.
"You are Uzumaki Naruto too. You are part of him, and he is part of you." A soft, deep voice rose behind him.
Yami Naruto jumped on his feet and turned towards the silver-haired man that was standing a few feet away.
"I was wrong to tell you, at the beginning of our fight, that you are not the Naruto I know. I can see now that you are the expression of all the things the Naruto I know never told me. You are the expression of his fears, his pain and his loneliness. And because I understand you, I love you as I love your counterpart. I love Uzumaki Naruto for everything he represents."
Yami Naruto growled.
"Shut up!"
He charged and dove on Kakashi, but went right through him.
Kakashi reappeared behind him.
"You asked me why I wasn't there when you needed me the most… Well I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, Naruto, and one of them was to look the other way when you were suffering and struggling alone as a child."
Yami Naruto was so shocked he couldn't utter a sound. Above them, the sky started darkening, and the clouds were scattering, as though they were ripped apart and disappearing from the world.
"I closed my eyes because I was in ANBU. I was trained to forget about myself and my emotions. I was trained to be a faceless assassin. These were the darkest times of my life."
Yami Naruto shook his head.
"You think that's an acceptable excuse?!"
Kakashi sighed and lowered his eyes to the ground.
"Of course it's not. Nothing can make up for the fact of knowing what is right but choose to ignore it. Nothing can make up either for the fact that I didn't show you enough attention when Sasuke was there. I was worried about that child because he had so much violence inside of him. I believed I could save him."
"By teaching him a murderous jutsu? Smart move." Yami Naruto sniggered.
"Indeed. It was one of the stupidest things I ever did, and I realized it fully when I picked you up half-dead in the Valley of the End."
"I don't give a damn about your regrets! I don't want your love. I don't want your love if it means you will die because of me like Ero-sennin did!" Yami Naruto screamed.
There was a long silence, during which Yami Naruto suddenly realized he had just said something that had come from the bottom of his heart.
He realized this was the core of his anger against Kakashi.
Kakashi really loved him, yet Yami Naruto kept finding excuses to repel him. And the more he thought about these excuses, the more he thought they were mostly unfounded. Kakashi had indeed never taken care of him when he was a child, but he didn't know him at that time. For what reason should he have taken care of a baby when he was only fourteen and almost always away from the village? For that matter, Jiraiya was also at fault. Hell, even Iruka hated him at first. As for Sasuke, Kakashi had indeed seemed to be particularly interested in him, but when Naruto thought about it, Kakashi had always protected the three of them. He hadn't been a perfect sensei because he had made mistakes, but Yami Naruto could remember a lot of small, discrete moments when he could actually feel that indeed, Kakashi did care for him, even though he didn't show it much.
It were just simple gestures and attentions, such as lecturing Naruto on his diet, walking beside him and listening to his endless babbling, taking him to Ichiraku's even though he loved telling Naruto that he had to pay for himself to learn how to get by in life. It was just pulling the cover up Naruto's body and ruffling his hair when they camped on a mission, when Kakashi thought the boy was sleeping.
So why do I try so hard to hate Kakashi when I have so few reasons to?
"Because you are the one you hate." Kakashi answered his silent question.
Before Yami Naruto had time to make a move, he found his face buried in a Kakashi-smelling shoulder. He felt Kakashi's arms engulf him in a powerful, crushing embrace, and he felt his heart was going to burst.
"Stop this! Don't touch me!" he cried out, his voice muffled into Kakashi's shoulder.
His hands grasped the jounin's jacket and twisted the fabric as he could feel his face being pressed deeper into Kakashi's embrace.
He realized he was trying to fight back, but his strength was leaving him.
"You can't just solve everything with a fucking hug, Kakashi!" he growled, as fresh tears were coming right up to his eyes.
That was it. He couldn't fight.
He just couldn't.
He just let himself be swallowed in Kakashi's embrace while the man held him tightly, cradling his face in his shoulder.
"Debating with words will get us nowhere, Kakashi whispered, we both know you will find any excuse to deny what I'm telling or showing you. So I will just hold you until you accept it, might you be Naruto or Yami Naruto. After all, to me, you are the same, precious person."
He shifted his arms so he could indeed hold the boy tighter.
"You can persuade yourself you hate me. You can yell at me, insult me, hit me, tell me that I'm nothing but a hopeless porn-addicted pervert. I will just crush you to my heart. I will just keep you wrapped in my embrace, and I will just hold you while you scream and cry, while you seethe and struggle, while you bite and claw. And if you try to escape me using ninjutsu or whatever technique, I will tie your hands up so you cannot form the signs, and bury your lips into my chest so you cannot pronounce the words. I will just hold you until you understand."
He paused for a moment. He knew he didn't have much time. From the corner of his eye, he could see the borders of the world starting to erode into nothingness, as the power of his mangekyô was weakening.
"You are trying to convince yourself you hate me, because you hate yourself so much it is unbearable."
Yami Naruto's breath was short, and he started shaking. Each of Kakashi's words seemed to be a sword diving right through his heart, hitting his darkest secrets.
"I understand now, Naruto-kun, Kakashi kept saying, rocking Yami Naruto softly from left to right. I understand that you hate yourself because you think you are the one to blame for Jiraiya-sama's death."
Yami Naruto escaped a tiny gasp, and Kakashi closed his eyes, focusing on holding his face in his shoulder in a loving embrace. Slowly, he could feel Yami Naruto's chakra changing. The howling scream started disappearing, and the whirling darkness started fading away, like the world around them.
"But you need to forgive yourself, Naruto-kun, as Jiraiya-sama did not die because of you. He was a soldier of Konoha, and he made the choice to investigate alone. He did it not only for you. He did it because we are at war with the Akatsuki. He did it to protect Konoha and you."
"I should have been there…" The blonde murmured in his shoulder, gritting his teeth as his heart seemed to be burning.
"No, that's wrong…It was a highly risked mission. Jiraiya-sama knew he might not come back. He would never have taken you with him, I am certain of it."
"Why?! Because he thought I couldn't help him?"
Kakashi caressed his hair and rested his cheek on his head.
"Of course not. Because he loved you, idiot."
At these words, Yami Naruto hit Kakashi's chest with both of his fists, growling furiously, his eyes still full of tears which wouldn't fall.
"What's the point of loving and being loved if people eventually disappear? What's the point of being loved so much that the person will die for you? What's the point, Kakashi?!"
Kakashi closed his eyes. Of course, he didn't have an answer to that question. No one had. Yet he had to tell him something, and he had to think carefully about what he was going to say. The world around him kept withering away, and he could feel his last strengths were coming to an end. He kept the blonde's face thoroughly burrowed in his shoulder so he wouldn't see that he was dying slowly.
"I can't give you an answer to that question, Naruto-kun, for everyone has their own. You will have to live, love and lose a lot in order to find your own answer. But I want you to always remember that it's your incredible capacity to love in spite of all the things you went through that made you the exceptional being you are. It's your capacity to love that has that unique power to gather people around you. It's your capacity to love unconditionally that can touch people's souls. Your heart is your greatest strength. Never forget that."
Kakashi could feel his heart beating fast as his chakra was depleting completely. He winced as the pain in his eye started to become unbearable, but he squeezed Yami Naruto tighter.
He had to tell him goodbye.
He raised his eyes to the red sky that was disintegrating like long, lacey veils against the darkness, and he took a deep breath.
"Naruto-kun…When you wake up, I may no longer be there."
He felt Yami Naruto gasp into his shoulder but he kept him trapped in his embrace.
"Let me finish. I may no longer be there, but I want you to remember that it was my own choice. None of this is your fault, and I want you to forgive yourself. I want you to take care of Sakura-chan, of Sai and of all our friends. I want you to forgive your own mistakes, because you are bound to make some. You will not win all your battles, but it will be all right, as long as you try your hardest. I want you to follow your dreams and become the greatest Hokage the world has ever known. I know you can do it."
That was it. The connexion was breaking. They were progressively surrounded by nothingness, as the last remnants of reddish light were dying out slowly.
"This is the last mission I will ever give you, but it's a mission of a lifetime."
On these words, the world collapsed. Soon, the universe was nothing more than a dark and red vortex that sucked both of them up in its core. Kakashi could feel the boy was clutching him with all his strength, and he hugged him back through the vortex so that they would not be separated. It was not long before Kakashi could feel something hard and wet slam into his back.
When he opened his eyes again, they were back in the storm and his vision was blurred by a red cloud.
Through that cloud though, he could see stunningly blue eyes, and he vaguely thought these were the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen.
The rain kept pouring heavily on them, but Kakashi was protected by Naruto's frame over him. He could barely hear the thunder that was tearing the dark sky apart, as well as he couldn't feel his arms and legs anymore. However, he could feel the sticky, warm liquid pouring from his closed Sharingan eye, and the atrocious pain that was pounding in his head.
Most of all, he could feel himself being dragged away from the world.
His death was near, and Kakahi kept staring into the magnificient blue eyes, because deep down, he knew it was the most precious thing he wanted to take with him in the afterlife. Those two blue, shining orbs, looking at him with so much emotion, were probably the most beautiful thing that had happened in thirty years of a lonely and violent life that was now coming to its end.
Kakashi had never been afraid of death. On the contrary, he had been seeking it, provoking it for a long time, because he wanted to be reunited with his loved ones.
However this time, for the first time of his life, he did not want to leave.
He knew he had accomplished something: he had saved Naruto from himself, and he had helped him through the core of his own anger and denial. Yet he had also promised him so many times that he would always protect him and accompany him to his dreams. He had promised him that he would always be around to hold him when he cried, to guide him when he was lost. Moreover, he knew Naruto's grieving journey was not finished yet. He had just gone through the darkest realms of rage and resentment, yet now he had to learn how to say goodbye, and Kakashi had intended to be by his side when that time came.
Gomen, Naruto-chan…
Gomen…
The blue eyes were watery and looked panicked. Kakashi wanted to soothe and calm that fear, he wanted to hold Naruto to his chest, he wanted to reassure him as he was so used to do. Yet his arms were not answering anymore. He was fighting only to keep his good eye open so he could dive into the blue immensity when he would depart for the other world.
He smiled feebly while a thunderbolt illuminated Naruto's drenched face. The blonde's lips were moving, and Kakashi could read that he was calling his name, over and over again.
I guess I couldn't have dreamt of a better death, after all…
I am leaving this world under loving and caring eyes…
No one has ever looked at me this way…
I am glad I could be your sensei and your friend.
You made me a better man.
Arigatou, Naruto-chan.
A tear rolled down on his masked cheek, and feeling that he was at the very gates of death, he parted his lips.
Staring at the blue eyes, he let out one, last whisper.
It was the most intense, heartfelt whisper of his life. In that last, short breath, Kakashi poured the immensity of the love he carried in his heart, all that love he wanted to leave to Naruto as a strong, immortal memory of him, so that maybe, just maybe, some part of him would linger on after he was nothing but dust.
"Okaeri, Naruto-chan."
