It took me several minutes of watching them converse to realize that she hadn't realized i was there yet. She was only paying attention to Ichigo...That was until Ichigo turned halfway around, "Well are you gonna just stand there or are you going to introduce yourself?"
I was so sure at that moment that he thought I was stupid. As soon as Kari-Kaya saw me she started to bow, "I'm sorry Captain I didn't-" and then Ichigo laughed, "I'm so glad I'm not a Captain, I would hate people bowing down to me like that. Stand up Kaya there is no need for that."
She stood back up but she looked worried. She looked up at Ichigo, "But I could..."
And for the first time since I was standing there I spoke, "I'd really rather you not do that anyway. It's not like I'm going to send you to the Head-Captain for disrespect."
I really wouldn't send anyone to the Head-Captain for anything. I couldn't. He didn't trust me anymore because I went to Hueco Mundo without contacting him. I wasn't even allowed on missions outside of the Soul Society anymore. Ichigo, Rukia, and I weren't on the best terms with any of the other Soul Reapers.
So many people had come into Hueco Mundo after us but we were the only ones who went without permission. And Rukia didn't even come back with Ichigo and I, she went to alert everyone that came after us that it was time to leave.
All of this...made me feel like I was in a blender of emotions. First it was depression, then it was completely blank feeling, then it was happiness that she was back, and finally it was heartbreak all over again.
She had called me by my title and not my name. That was definitely nothing that I saw coming. And it hurt because it meant she didn't recognize me. It was then that her friend, Ai, snapped out of her daze, "Ca-Captain Hitsugaya! I was just...we were just..."
I swallowed and raised an eyebrow, "I know graduating early right?"
She only nodded, eyes wide like she couldn't believe I was talking to her. I crossed my arms, "Just graduating in a year won't get you a high-ranking as an officer. It can get the attention of a Captain or Lieutenant and that can get you a high rank. However it depends on the squad you end up in."
Kaya put her hands on her hips, "And just how did you end being a Captain so fast then?"
I was startled by how determined she was, how much like Karin she was. She was only told a few minutes before that she didn't have to bow to me and now she was openly questioning me. I felt like smiling but I couldn't. It would be a smile for Karin, the person she forgot she is, not the one she thought she was. Not the one that didn't know me.
I had to resist taking a deep breath because it would only draw attention to me, "I started out just a regular Soul Reaper in the tenth squad and was quickly promoted to third seat because my Captain at the time, saw that I was good at fighting from all the time I spent in the living world. And finally my Captain left for a mission in the living world one day and never came back so I ended up being the Captain of the Tenth Division."
She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at me, "Didn't you just say you were the third seat before being a Captain? Shouldn't the lieutenant take the Captain's place?"
I crossed my arms back at her, "Do you really think Lieutenant Matsumoto would have the Division in the same position it is now?"
I saw what looked like anger flash across Kaya's eyes, " I don't know. I hear the Tenth Division is not doing too well at the moment. Rumor has it the Head-Captain is thinking about shutting it down completely because nothing has been actually done in it for over two years now. Care to explain that one?"
I knew I should have been calm about it but I couldn't help but take a step back in surprise, eyes widened. Ai stepped up and put a hand on Kaya's shoulder. She got really close to her and started talking under her breath, "Kaya...you're gonna get yourself in trouble."
Ichigo nervously laughed, "That's not right. That can't be right. Right Toushirou?"
I opened my mouth to deny it but only ended up closing it again and having to think about it. Could the Head-Captain shut down an entire squad? I suppose he could but he would have to move the soul reapers in that squad and renumber the squads.
Ichigo was getting more and more nervous by the minute and I wasn't sure exactly why, "Um, Shiro? What are you thinking?"
I looked at the ground and ran my hand through my hair, "I'm trying to figure if he would eliminate an entire division and go through the trouble of the paperwork and relocation of everything...I don't think he would actually but mostly because we can't afford the confusion with Aizen back again. But I guess if he really wanted to solve the problem that nothing is getting done he could just...fire me. Oh damn."
Kaya looked shocked, "I didn't expect any of the rumors to actually be true! I was just seeing what a genius's response would be to the gossip."
I looked back at her equally shocked, "Then I guess I should have ignored you. Because now I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to lose my job. You know thinking about it I really think I might have already lost it considering the only thing I do anymore is go to the meetings...and I sometimes do my paperwork. But I can't really do anything else...and I really need to shut up."
She just kept looking more and more surprised, "But you're supposed to be the Captain that everyone is afraid of because he makes sure everything is done and done right. That's what everyone says at the academy. Well they also say that people in your squad have a lot of fun because they have both work ethics and fun times because you hold everything together and Lieutenant Matsumoto makes things fun."
Listening to her talk...the things she had to say. They were making me sick to my stomach. They made me want to cry all over again. But this time not for what I'd lost, but for what I'd become. I was supposed to be a figure that my squad members could look up to. I was supposed to be strong and make sure things didn't get out of hand. For once in two years I felt sympathetic for someone other than myself. I was letting everyone down who viewed me as a role model.
I was being so stupid. And of course it took what I had lost figuratively slapping me in the face to realize it. Karin wouldn't have wanted this. She wouldn't have wanted me to lose myself in sorrow. She would have wanted me to happy. Just like I didn't want her to worry when I was in a coma, I wanted her to be happy. Why was I so blind? Why couldn't I listen to anything anyone had to say? I could hear them now trying to tell me that things would get better.
All I could think was that I should have listened. Yes I was sad and that wasn't changing anytime soon but I could see now what they were talking about. Even without knowing it Kaya was still the Karin that I was in love with those two years ago and today. She was the strong girl who could make me see the truth even when I didn't want to.
She was the girl who smiled through everything that she could. The one who put up a mask so that no one had to worry about her. I knew there were times when that mask fell apart and she would get so mad at herself for being weak. And I would tell her that we all fall apart sometimes and she would get mad at me too.
And she would yell, "I know that but all I'm achieving by breaking down like that is making others worry about me! Or even worse pity me! I don't want to be the kicked puppy! I want to be the one people come to when they fall apart! I want to be strong..."
I knew now what she meant. I knew now how to relate to that statement. I need to see the good in things not pity myself.
Even when she wasn't trying, she influenced me. And I was back in that blender again: I wanted cry and scream at myself for being so stupid. I wanted to pick Kaya up and spin her around in circles. I wanted to tell everyone that had seen me so depressed that they wouldn't have to see me like that again.
There were going to be times when I didn't feel so good...like yesterday when I cried myself to sleep. The were going to be a lot of those times because Kaya not only brought hope and happiness with her but memories, desperation, and sadness. I couldn't heal quickly, I knew that.
But at least I wasn't making the cut deeper. I wasn't stabbing myself anymore.
Before I knew it Ichigo was smacking me in the back of the head and I ended up with both my hands over that same spot, "Dammit! What was that for you idiot?!" He rolled his eyes, "You spaced out." I knew I was blushing because I could feel it in my face, "Well excuse me for thinking!"
He started walking towards the dummy Ai was swinging her zanpakuto at earlier, "Well it must have pretty important because you looked like someone just slapped you in the face."
I walked after him too embarrassed to leave things alone, "Well maybe that's because I was just thinking that I felt like I'd been figuratively smacked in the face. You ever think of that?"
He shook his head, "Why would that even cross my mind?"
"Was it because of what Kaya said?"
I jumped and turned towards where Ai and Kaya were standing. Kaya was looking just as embarrassed as I felt. Ai noticed my hesitation to answer her question and started to elaborate, "Was it because she started saying things about the Captain you were supposed to be? That you felt like you'd been figuratively smacked in the face I mean."
I blinked and looked at Kaya who couldn't seem to look me straight in the face anymore, then I looked back at Ai, "It was. But...well I sort of needed someone to knock me back into sanity again. So I guess I have to thank her for that. Also I need to get back to the Tenth Division and set things straight. So thank you and goodbye."
And I flash stepped away before I got a reaction. The first place I went to was my office. My paperwork had really been piling up for a long time. Sure sometimes I worked on it but I hadn't finished any of it in over two years. I found my way to my desk and started writing determined not to get up until I had finished all of it.
After about three hours I started to remember why I hated paper so much. And why I was always frustrated with Rangiku. On the plus side she had done her share of paperwork. So I had no reason to blame her this time. The blame was all on me.
And I was okay with admitting to that. It meant I had realized that I was doing something wrong and I was coming to terms with that. Now if I only knew what other things were my fault and what wasn't. Like Karin's death...
I guess I would find out as my heart healed.
Oh my gosh guys! GAH! I've been away far too long! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? LAST TIME I UPDATED I DIDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND NOW WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR OVER TWO MONTHS! HOLY CRAP I NEED TO UPDATE MORE! I'M SO SORRY! FORGIVE ME WHILE I CRY AT YOUR FEET!
