I took a step back not sure what to say to her comment. The only thing I really could say was the truth to her question, no more and no less. I took a deep breath, "Yes but...what all did you remember?"
She pinched the bridge of her nose, "The name. Everything else just made me have more questions."
I looked away and towards the sky, I was slightly sad that she didn't remember more, "If you don't mind me asking what exactly did you remember? I know you probably view it as an invasion of privacy to tell anyone but...it may be important to tell me...though I can't really explain why."
I felt stupid for having such a lack of explanation, but I couldn't tell her anything I knew because that would rush her memories and end up hurting her. And that wasn't something I wanted. When I looked back down at her she was looking at me with an eyebrow raised. I blinked and felt my face heat up, "What?"
She rolled her eyes and shook her head at me then continued walking, "Yeah, yeah. I get it. You know something but you can't tell me anything. It's annoying but I get where you are coming from. If you know what I have remembered then you can avoid telling me anything extra. Right?"
I awkwardly scratched the back of my head after resuming my place leading her around the maze of roads that were the Seireitei, "Sometimes I forget how smart you are...oh damn. I guess I need to watch what I say more huh?"
She laughed, "Well there's no hiding it now that I know for sure you knew me. Anyway, all I remembered was this blonde girl standing in a kitchen saying, 'Karin dinner's ready,' and smiling at me. And I ran into the kitchen and grabbed some food to stuff in my mouth and started running towards a door saying, 'Thanks but I can't stay I got soccer practice.'"
She paused, "The girl, Yuzu, looked confused and said ' This late?' And then I stopped remembering. So I assume I was in my home, and Yuzu was either a friend of mine or related to me, and I was sneaking out using soccer practice as an excuse... but I don't know, I felt like I was pretty young in it. Like maybe thirteen or fourteen."
I opened my mouth to explain the situation only to realize I couldn't and shut my mouth again. I shook my head now even more sad that she didn't remember anyhting about me just a memory I was tied to. I couldn't tell her that she used to sneak out when she was upset as a young teen and would sit in the soccer field until I found her.
I couldn't tell her that we would play soccer until we couldn't stand and she felt like everything she was upset about was gone. I couldn't tell her that I let her win because if I had won then she would've been there all night trying to prove she was better at soccer than me. I couldn't tell her that three times she had fallen asleep at nearly three in the morning and I had to sneak her back into her room without being caught. I couldn't tell her that Yuzu had caught me the last time but didn't tell anybody. I couldn't tell her any of it. But I wanted to.
I hadn't realized that I had zoned out until she waved a hand in front of my face, "Hey. Cap-Toushirou? You in there? You're starting to look depressed. Hello?"
I blinked a few times and found myself forcing a smile, "Sorry...I was just...thinking."
Her facial expression went from surprised to worried, "About...what exactly?"
I found myself looking away from her again, "Your memory...made me think of mine. But I can't tell you about them because I'm supposed to let you remember things on your own. I can't make you remember what was so important to you back then. I can't help you remember your family or friends...or what upset you, or why you were sneaking out, or anything you deserve to know. I can't help."
I saw her look at the ground out of the corner of my eye, "You really knew me pretty well didn't you?"
My heart clenched at the past tense as I shook my head, "Not as well I could have."
She glanced back at up at me when I faced forward again, "Have I changed? I mean I know you aren't supposed to tell me but it's been bothering me since I realized I couldn't remember anything. I...Am I the same person I was back then?"
I sighed, "I don't know. I don't know who you were when you died. I...I only knew what cared to tell me when I was in the living world. Which was only about once a year unless something huge came up. It had been a long time since you told me anything when you died. So I truly can't tell you if you've changed"
It was a huge lie. I could tell her everything she wanted to know about herself up until the point she was kidnapped. But I couldn't tell her I was that close to her because then she would feel the need to be close to me in the afterlife without any actual felling behind it. She would want to be close to me because she knew me before...because I had her memories and she wanted them back. Not because she thought of me as a friend...or what I hoped for, more than that.
She sighed, "Oh. Okay."
The rest of our walk was done in silence and I was back to the Head Captain's office by 8:30. I stood in the back of the office with my eyes down while he praised her for fixing my attitude. I stayed there when he dismissed her and asked me to stay behind. I answered quietly when he asked me if she was the girl I ran off to save two years ago with a, "Yes." And I nearly started crying when he said, "She doesn't remember you does she?"
I shook my head.
I knew he was trying to teach me a lesson when he asked, "Was it worth it? To give up your respect, authority, and trust? To go after a girl who doesn't know you anymore?"
I nodded despite the fact that he wanted a no, "Sir. I know you want me to say I have learnt a lesson. And to say that if it happened again I wouldn't go running after her. But I ran after her before with no guarantee that she loved me as I did her. And I would do it all over again if I was given the chance to let her live instead of die. It's in my instinct to protect others, especially the ones I care for. I remember you told me once that my determination to protect others would be a good quality for a Captain. And I'm determined to make sure that I keep protecting others."
I stared at him while I said it with shaking arms and misty eyes. Trying my best not to let my voice crack so I could show that determination. He shook his head and turned away from me, "You're still just a kid. And some day you'll learn that first loves never work out. She doesn't remember you now and no matter how much you love her it won't stop her from falling in love with someone else. You'll learn that love is a distraction for a Captain and that is the reason we've never had any Captain outside the noble family marry while still working for the Soul Society. "
I felt my knees try to give out and the tears start falling. I clenched my fists and bit my tongue to prevent myself from making a sound or yelling out "It would still be worth it." I closed my eyes trying to calm my emotions. And I heard Hyourinmaru for the first time since Karin died.
Calm yourself. He's only trying to prevent you from getting hurt again. He's in charge of the whole Soul Society remember? You know how you always feel guilty when someone you're in charge of gets hurt when you could have done something? Imagine how often he feels that.
The tears immediately stopped the second I heard his deep voice in my head. I was still shaking but I was too shocked at hearing him to cry anymore. I had almost forgotten he lived in my mind. I didn't realize how much I missed him until he was back.
Well of course you didn't realize you missed me. You were too busy missing the girl. I know it makes sense to miss her because I care for her too so I'm too beat up about it.
I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and shook my head. Before I could fully calm down though the Head-Captain said, "You are dismissed."
I blinked a few times and got as composed as I could at the time and started leaving. When I walked outside of the office Karin was standing there waiting for me. I could tell that she tell that I had been crying by the look on her face. I didn't explain. I just kept walking and soon after heard her footsteps behind me. She caught up quickly and despite my wanting for her to drop the topic asked, "What happened?"
I shook my head and sighed, "I'd rather not talk about it."
She grabbed my sleeve and stopped, "No. You're gonna tell me because nothing is gonna get any better if you don't talk about it."
The look on her face after she said it said that she had done it out of instinct and didn't know why. It said that she was confused on why she would even care about a strangers feelings or what happened to them.
"I...I'm sorry. It's not any of my business. I mean I barely know you I shouldn't barge into your feelings like that."
I shook my head and kept moving forward. She was awkwardly silent for the entire time I was. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't keep things that wouldn't hurt her from her, "He wants me to learn a lesson I refuse to learn. And says things that I know I can't prevent from happening but I still don't want to believe them."
She looked up at me, "What is the lesson?"
I felt my eyes get misty again as I looked down hiding my eyes behind my hair. Which was easy to do since I hadn't cut it in years which meant it almost covered my eyes without looking down.
"Not to fall in love. That is the lesson he wants me to learn. That love is a distraction a Captain can't afford to have. That I can't make things happen the way I want them to just because I want them to."
I could tell by her voice that she was confused, "But what did that have to do with anything?"
I took a deep breath, "You fixed my attitude about doing all my work. Which he took as me forgetting about why I stopped doing my work. Me forgetting why I was upset. He asked me if everything I did back then to prevent how things are now was worth it. If I still thought I did the right thing even though everything I did only succeeded in making me lose his trust, my authority, and respect. Even though my actions made the situation worse."
"What...what happened back then?"
I looked over at her, "They don't tell you in the academy then?"
She looked surprised and shook her head. I tilted my head back down, "Well I suppose it makes sense. They don't want their new Soul Reapers to know that one of their Captains ran off on his own personal mission without permission from the Head Captain. They don't tell you that the Head Captain sent more Soul Reapers after me to bring me back and they joined my cause. They don't tell you I'm the reason that Aizen is back. They don't tell you that I'm the reason two espada live in the Soul Society. They don't tell you that I'm supposed to be making sure the espada don't do anything to hurt us but I haven't seen them in over two years."
She sounded like she couldn't believe what I was saying, "But...but what was so important? You don't seem like the Captain that would do something like that."
I sighed, "Now we're back to the original topic. Love was important. I left because the girl I loved was in danger and I had to make sure she wasn't hurt."
"Where is the the girl now?"
My voice cracked when I said it, "Dead. I didn't save her. I was too late."
She gasped, "Oh..."
What I said was true. She was dead. And I was too late. What she didn't know is that I had lost her multiple times. What she didn't know was that she was walking behind me and I had technically just confessed...for the second time. And she didn't know what I was talking about for the second time. I had been rejected twice without her even realizing it.
I walked her back to her room. And then flash stepped back to mine and flopped down on my bed. I tried to sleep because the Head Captain had asked me to. But I was distracted by Hyourinmaru
You know if she doesn't remember you she can't love you. It's nothing to get worked up about because even if she does fall in love with someone else I can almost guarantee that she'll remember eventually. And when you remember things after forgetting them like that...The flashbacks she gets will feel like she is experiencing that moment again. So when she remembers you. If she had feelings for you back then she'll have them again. Maybe they won't be as strong if you don't attempt to get to know her again because she'll feel like you've abandoned her or something of the sort and...
I interrupted him, 'Hyourinmaru. Shut up.'
But I'm only trying to help.
'Well you aren't'
Well...I give up. I don't know what to do anymore. You are entirely too impossible.
HI! I'm back guys. Sorry. This time I actually have a reason for disappearing. I was away from home for the past month. I was all over the place but I wasn't home. Remember to review!
