Po, the Harem Master

Part 2: Along came a Scorpion...

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Mr. Ping ran up anxiously to see how Po had done at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony. It had ended long hours ago, and he was very late getting back.

"How did it go, son?" he asked, "Did we make oodles of cash?"

He looked at his Dad sadly.

"Not sell so good?"

He kept staring.

"Son, you're scaring me. What happened?"

"Dad... A terrorist bomb blew up the Noodle Cart... It was horrible..."

Mr. Ping just gasp audibly. "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" he asked in dismay.

"I'm fine, Dad," he said, "The blast just threw me up on stage."

"You got bombed, too?!"

"Well yeah," came the response, "I was less than 10 feet away when the cart exploded. I'm really sorry about everything..."

"Don't be silly!" he scolded, "A cart can be replaced, but you cannot! I'm just so glad you're safe!"

"I know it's not much," he said as he gave his Dad a small coin bag, "but that's what the Imperial Guard gave me in compensation for the terrorist's actions. The rest of the profits were scattered all over the place by the blast. It's really lucky that no one else was seriously injured by the whole bomb thing."

"By the way," he asked, "Where have you been all this time?"

"They took me straight up to the Jade Palace to make sure I was alright." He wasn't ready to tell his Dad that Grand Master Oogway had chosen him to be the one and only Dragon Warrior

Another thing that neither of them knew was a hateful pair of eyes that were watching them from the darkness under the largest kitchen table.

… Hours earlier at the Jade Palace ...

Grand Master Oogway and Master Shifu stood in the Hall of Heroes just near the reflecting pool that lay just beneath the grand dragon carving, and the great Dragon Warrior Scroll it bore in its mouth.

"The Universe does not make mistakes," said Grand Master Oogway, "This Panda is the Dragon Warrior, and nothing can be done about it now."

"I beg to differ, Master," complained Master Shifu, "Perhaps your vision of the events was clouded by the whole explosion and terrorist attack? Maybe you just did not see what you thought you saw?"

"I haven't relied upon my eyes to see in decades," he said calmly, "and my inner sight has never been wrong before."

"That Panda is soft, fat and weak!" persisted Shifu, "It would take decades to whip that guy into shape, and YOU know WE don't have DECADES to work with!"

"Tai Lung can wait a little while longer."

"You said yourself he will break out of prison and seek revenge against the Valley of Peace! That was the whole reason for selecting the Dragon Warrior in the first place! I say we give him a small bag of silver coin, apologize for any misunderstanding, and send the Panda back home!"

"Do you think I'm senile?" he asked Shifu soberly.

"Senile?!" asked the small red panda, "Of course I don't!"

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"OF COURSE NOT! You're one of the greatest Kung Fu Masters who ever lived!"

"Do you think I'm wrong?"

"No! Not at all!"

"Then why do you continue to question my decisions in this matter?"

Shifu was at a loss for words. "I just thought," he stammered, "it would be one of the Furious Five."

"Tai Lung thought he deserved to be Dragon Warrior by virtue of the fact he was your student, by virtue of the fact he felt entitled to be the Dragon Warrior," said Grand Master Oogway, "and look where that pride left him."

"I never said he was entitled. I just said he could earn the title with hard work and dedication to the grand art of Kung Fu."

"And you were wrong on that point. It's not the work and dedication that matter most, it's the SOUL and HEART that one keeps in spite of all adversity."

"What kind of adversity could that fat, weak Panda have possible endured?"

"Tell me, just how many other Pandas have you seen in the last 20 years?"

"Pandas?" asked Shifu as he scratched his chin, "Well... I've seen... NONE."

"Precisely," replied the ancient tortoise, "because Po is the ONLY PANDA within a 1,000 miles of this place. Do you know how hard it is to be all alone in the world when you're surrounded by people?"

"How do you know?"

"The Universe told me, of course."

"So he had no parents," said Shifu, "That's not an unusual predicament these days. I got Tigress out of an orphanage herself."

"No prophecy predicted that."

"Prophecy?"

"Yes, all the Pandas in the land but one were murdered for a Prophecy."

Shifu gasp.

"Yet look how the Panda turned out, Shifu. He's hard working in his own way, kind, gentle, and he does not dwell on his suffering or his need for revenge. No matter what else happens, he has the true Heart and Soul of the Dragon Warrior. Please try to forgive his shortcomings, and help him become his true self. Promise me you'll make him into the Legendary Dragon Warrior."

"I'll... try..." said Shifu, "But won't you train him?"

"My time left in this world is short," he said sagely, "And you will have to continue on in the Jade Palace after I'm done here in this world. Do you know the greatest way to defeat any enemy?"

"Wuxi Finger Hold?"

"No."

"Golden Lotus Clap?"

"No."

"Eight arm spleen punch?"

"No no, it's not so hard. It's making an Enemy into someone who is NOT an Enemy."

"I don't understand."

"You will. It will all become clear when the Dragon Warrior brings peace to the Valley of Peace, this great land, and most importantly – to you."

"But I am at peace."

"You won't be at peace until you can forgive yourself for Tai Lung and what he turned out to be."

"Many people died because of his rage, Master, and I couldn't stop him from turning out like that. I did nothing to quell his ego or teach him how to be at peace with himself. The blood of all of those... those innocents will always be on my hands."

"There is something I must say to the Panda, Shifu," he said softly, "and you have to be there to hear it as well. Please come along with me."

"Of course, Master."

...

Over at the infirmary, Tigress and Viper were peeking in from the opposite sides of the doorway as the Panda lay on the infirmary cot and snored away.

"I just don't understand him," confessed Tigress.

"About what?" asked Viper.

"He helped me out without any expectation of reward or repayment."

"So? He helped me too."

"But he's a vendor! The only reason he was there was to make money!"

"Money is not wrong or evil by itself, you know. Some people cook just to know about how much joy others gain from eating their food."

"Focusing on food is a waste of time!" snarled Tigress.

"Ah, so you did like his noodles," mused Viper.

"What?"

"He asked me to ask you if you liked his noodles."

"I don't know what you are going on about."

"You vanished for a little while, and now I think I know where you were. He didn't have Doufu, so he gave you a free bowl of noodles instead, didn't he?"

"That's ridiculous!"

"I tasted the Dofou in the broth when he gave me some to wash the gunpowder out of my mouth."

"The next thing you know, you'll say I like him or something!"

"Now where would I ever get an idea like that? A tigress who came here from an orphanage where her childhood was lonely? A place where she was never loved? Where her strength and ferocity frightened the other children and adults so she was never adopted? Why would I ever get the idea she might like someone who helped her out without any expectation of repayment or even a 'thank you'?"

"Why are you bringing this all up now, Master Viper?"

"Why don't you ask Po? He's awake now."

"WHAT?!" said Tigress as she turned to see Po was sitting up now, and looking right at Tigress.

"Uh... hi there?" he asked awkwardly.

She leaped onto the end of the cot and grabbed two handfuls of the loose skin around his neck. "NEVER tell ANYONE about what you just heard!" she threatened, "Or I'll remove your... I'll rip out your... JUST DON'T TELL ANYONE, OKAY!?"

"Uh... sure?"

"And the noodles were... good. Thank you... Far too fancy and decadent to eat every day..."

Viper crawled over and used her tail to give Po a small bag.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's my allowance for the last year," she replied, "All the silver I have to help replace your Noodle Cart that was lost to the terrorist's bomb attack."

He tried to give the money back to her as he said, "You don't have to. Your gratitude is more than enough for me."

"I insist," she replied, "Think of this as a down payment on future business."

"If you're sure... then thank you so much."

Master Viper smiled. Po stuck the money bag behind his back and down into his trousers.

"You don't belong here," said Tigress as she looked over Po.

"Tigress!" snapped Viper, "There's no need to be rude to him!"

"But it's true," she replied, "The Jade Palace was made for the greatest practitioners of Kung Fu the world has ever seen. These walls have heard secrets that have never been heard anywhere else. I don't think he's trained a day of Kung Fu in his entire life."

"I was too busy selling noodles with my dad to train for Kung Fu. I'd live for the right to train here in the glories of the Kung Fu Masters," said Po softly.

"Would you die for Kung Fu too?"

"In a moment's notice."

"Too long," she replied, "I'd die for Kung Fu with a second's notice."

"Tigress!" snapped Viper, "That was a totally unfair thing to say!"

"Why?" asked Tigress, "If I wanted him dead, he'd be dead in less than a second. How is he supposed to even think about saving the Valley of Peace from its enemies like the Croc Bandits, Tai Lung, the Scorpion or Fenghuang?"

"No one becomes a Master overnight."

"I was supposed to be the Dragon Warrior! My whole life since I came to the Jade Palace was to train to be the Dragon Warrior! I was supposed to read the Dragon Scroll!"

"Well don't blame Po!"

"I'm just so furious, I could... I could..."

Without even thinking about it or even looking, Tigress threw a punch at Po. But when she saw the wide eyed stare from Viper, she turned her head and looked. Po had managed to catch Tigress' fist, and it didn't even look like he tried very hard.

"Can't we just all get along here?"

"My fist can split tree trunks," she asked in dismay, "How could you have possibly caught my punch?"

"Perhaps Po has a greater knack for learning Kung Fu than anyone knows?" asked Viper softly.

"I'm sorry," he said back, "I didn't want to ruin anyone's parade. It hardly seems possible that I'm the Dragon Warrior... even to me!"

"Master Viper is right," sighed Tigress, "It's not... fair of me... to blame you for an accident. You've been nothing but kind to me."

"My Dad once said, 'The best way to beat an Enemy is to make them into a customer'," he said.

"Your father sounds wise," said Master Viper.

"A bit greedy, but wise. He's been good to me all these years."

"Maybe you're the one who likes him," sniffed Tigress.

"I don't know what you're talking about," replied Viper.

"He saved you from fireworks poisoning. A Viper. Most people are scared to death of Vipers. They think they'll bite and poison anyone for NO REASON whatsoever. But Po's not afraid of you at all. He likes you as much as any of us."

"You know I have no poison."

"Most people don't think enough to even ask."

"I don't care," said Po, "You're TOTALLY AWESOME because YOU'RE WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE! I have your Limited Edition Action Figure with 30 Points of Articulation!"

"Really?"

"I've had it for years now!"

"Level of maturity," muttered Tigress, "Check."

"Oh Tigress," he sighed, "I have your Super Limited Edition 25th Anniversary of the Jade Palace Kung-Fu Grip Tigress!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"I'm so TOTALLY serious! That one stays closest to my cot at night!"

"Too much information!" moaned Tigress.

Viper just giggles to herself.

"Look," he said, "I need to get back to the Noodle Shop so my Dad won't worry about me."

"You must be a good son," sighed Viper.

"I try," he sighed, "but I'd rather practice Kung Fu than serve noodles."

"Well, you never know."

"Yeah," he sighed with a little smile, "I guess so..."

… That night back at the Noodle Shop ...

Po awoke to something small and red on his chest. It had pincers, three pairs of legs, two pairs of eyes, and one long and wicked looking stinger. She was giving him the nastiest of glares.

"The shop is closed," he said with a yawn, "can't you come back tomorrow?"

"You fool!" she snapped, "I'm a Scorpion! I'm Qiong Qi! Aren't you scared?!"

"No."

"Aren't you worried I'm going to poison you?!"

"If you just wanted that, you would have killed me in my sleep already."

"Hmm, I guess you're smarter than you look."

"Gee thanks."

"That was sarcasm, fool."

"Gee thanks."

"But you're right about one thing," she continued, "I'm not here to kill you. Instead, I'm using my mind control poison on you. You'll do everything I'll tell you and like it. I'll hide out here in the shop until it's safe to leave town."

"You don't need mind control poison to make me help you," he replied, "I'd do that anyways."

"But you'll just rat me out to the authorities at the first chance!"

"Why?"

"I... I don't know," she answered, "There's probably a big reward on my head by now. I mean, I'm almost universally despised in the Valley of Peace!"

"Why?"

"Because I was once the best herbalist in the Valley of Peace! People came from all over to get my medicinal mixtures!"

"What happened?"

"One day, I got bad herbs. I think they may have even been cursed. Instead of easing pain, they made people into mindless slaves for a week or so. Even though I brought it to everyone's attention, and I tried to explain, THEY ACCUSED ME OF DOING ON PURPOSE! THEY ACCUSED ME OF A PLOT TO CONTROL THE WHOLE VALLEY OF PEACE!"

"That sounds crazy! How could you make and distribute that much poison?"

"Well no one bothered to think that hard, now did they?! They just banned me from the Valley for all time! No trial, no evidence, just BYE-BYE SCORPION!"

"That's so unfair!"

"You really think so?"

"Absolutely!"

"You swear you won't turn me in tomorrow or some other time convenient to you?"

"I swear."

"Somehow, you look like you have an honest face, so I'll spare you the poisoning."

"Gee thanks."

"That wasn't sarcasm."

"I know."

"You know, I've hadn't had anything to eat all day. I'm kind of hungry."

"I'll sneak down to the kitchen and make something. Wait here."

"All right."

"This shouldn't take long."

But when Po crept down to the kitchen, Qiong Qi followed stealthily. She was amazed that he didn't run away to alert the authorities. He only glanced into his father's room to make sure he was safe. She had never met anyone who worked so hard to keep his word to her. When she was positive it was a done deal, she slipped back upstairs ahead of Po and 'awaited his return'. He came into the room with a big smile and a bowl of sticky buns he just baked in the kitchen.

"Here ya go," he said as he set down the bowl before her.

She reached in with a claw, plucked on out, and popped it in her mouth. "Well, that is quite tasty," she said admiringly, "I take it you've done this a long time?"

"As long as I can remember."

"So, is that goose really your father?"

"Well yeah."

"It doesn't strike you even the littlest bit that you're a Panda and he's not?"

"No. Should it?"

"Did you even know your mother?"

"No, I don't think I remember her at all."

"I see," she replied as she ate another bun, "Well all I have to say is that someone is not being honest with you. One of these days, you have to go forth and find out the truth no matter what the cost."

"Will you be alright tomorrow while I'm gone at the Jade Palace?"

"Jade Palace?" she asked.

"Yeah, Grand Master Oogway thinks I'm the Dragon Warrior of all things."

"Oh, I've dreamed of seeing the Jade Palace! You must simply sneak me in there with you!"

"They weren't really keen on me being there alone."

"Who?" asked Scorpion.

"Master Shifu and most of the Furious Five."

"Please," she begged, "I must see them in person!"

"Okay, okay," he agreed, "If you such a big fan, how could I possibly say 'no'?"

'Yes', she thought, 'How could you?' There was evil laughter in her own mind.

"I know," he mused aloud, "I'll pack a shoulder bag with some extra food and drink, and I'll hide you at the bottom of the bag! It's really big, and has a lot of room in it!"

"How clever," she replied, "I can see why you're more useful without the mind control poison."