Po, the Harem Master

Part 3: Po In the Shadow of an Owl...

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Fenghuang burned with envy as she watched the big, fat and apparently lazy Panda hauling a large shoulder bag up the steps to the Jade Palace.

'How the hell did he get the respect I deserved for all these years?!' she thought. She decided she was going to fly down and ask him. He didn't even see her fly up behind him as she thought, 'Hell, I could just kill him right here and now just to piss off the Jade Palace fakes!'

"An Owl!" said Po in awe as he looked over his shoulder.

"Pardon?" she asked.

"You're an OWL!"

"Nothing get by you, does it?"

"OWLS CAN FLY! They sneak around in the night LIKE A SHADOW OF THE MOON! OWLS ARE SO AWESOME! If I could be reborn, I'D WANNA BE AN OWL LIKE YOU!"

"Flatterer," she mused.

"Oh no, it's just the honest truth! I bet you do KUNG FU too! Am I right?!"

"I've... had a little training..."

"SO AWESOME! Are you here to see the Jade Palace too!?"

"No, I was just here for the Dragon Warrior Ceremony, and I... just wanted to meet the future Dragon Warrior in person... yeah, that's it."

"I was chosen Dragon Warrior... and I still can't believe it myself!"

"You don't believe it yourself?" she asked in dismay.

"Well sure," he answered, "A bomb blast threw me on stage just as he was pointing. I thought it was a coincidence, but he claimed it was the Universe's choice."

"So you're moving in to the Jade Palace?"

"I know! It's like a dream come true!"

"Are you staring at me?" she asked with a glare.

"How can I not?!" he asked back, "You're like AWESOME BEAUTIFUL!"

"Wow, you really are a flatterer... Look, can I help you carry that bag up to the Jade Palace gates?"

"If it's not a bother or anything..."

"Of course it's not. I'm not really doing anything else, and I have taken weight training."

"Whoa, that's so cool! If I had weight training, I could move ten times as much stuff for my Dad and the Noodle Restaurant!"

"Noodle Restaurant?"

"Well yeah, my father runs a Noodle Restaurant and raised me all by himself."

"Ah, a single parent. You're the Dragon Warrior and you still think of him? How... humble of you."

"Hey, I wouldn't be anyone without my dad," said Po as he transferred the heavy shoulder bag over to the Owl's neck and shoulders. Then he turned back to the monumental task of climbing the stairs as the Owl followed behind.

"Say," he asked as they walked, "My name is Po. What's yours?"

"Oh, my name is not important right now."

"Aw, everyone's name is important somewhere," he replied, "I'm sure you'll tell me when you are feeling up to it."

She softly smiled even though no one could tell. The two of them finally arrived at the Gates to the Jade Palace. He knocked at the door, and to his surprise, he was face to face with Grand Master Oogway.

"Greeting Po," he said, "I apologize for the interruption, but I need you to perform a vital mission before I can start your Dragon Warrior Training."

"Sure thing," said Po, "I understand needs. Perhaps you can show my friend here..." He looked back to see the bag sitting there, and the Owl was no where to be seen. "There was an Owl here just a..."

"It's not important right now, Dragon Warrior," said Oogway, "Please come in for a moment."

"But she was so awesome and beautiful..."

"Some people are shy," he said, "or feel unworthy to cross the border into a sacred Kung Fu Temple like this one."

"I guess so."

Po picked up his shoulder bag and followed Oogway inside.

...

Po couldn't believe that the Grand Master sent him all the way back down the stairs just to meet the Furious Five back in town. He hadn't even realized he had hauled his bag and Scorpion all the way back as well.

"Po?" asked the bag, "Are we in the Jade Palace yet? This is taking forever..."

"We were there for just a second, and then Grand Master Oogway sent me all the way back down to the town for a mission or something."

"Darn-it!" she cursed.

Po walked by a Royal Sedan Chair as he approached the Furious Five. There was also a few cargo litters sitting nearby. They were all attended by goat bucks who were servants judging by their dress and mannerisms.

"Hey, guys and gals!" he called, "How's it going?"

"What are you doing here?" asked Tigress as her eyes narrowed.

"I'm not really sure," he replied, "But Grand Master Oogway said I need to go with you on some kind of really important mission."

"But you haven't even started Kung Fu Training yet," observed Monkey.

"I know," he replied, "It sounds crazy, but I can't argue with a Grand Master either."

"I guess so," said Crane, "I don't think this mission's going to be so hard."

"What is it?"

"Well, we're going to escort this child Princess over there," pointing at the Sedan Chair, "to the King of the Qidan to insure the peace between the Valley of Peace and the Qidan Clan."

"I guess that is important."

"Yeah," he mused, "This is the first time that the Furious Five have personally been asked to go along on the mission by a representative of the Emperor and Empress themselves."

"Well of course," he gushed, "The Furious Five are just so plain AWESOME!"

"Is that your favorite word?" asked Master Monkey.

"Well yes," he admitted, "Yes it is."

"Why is that Panda here?!" snapped a familiar voice.

Po turned to see the scowling face of Master Shifu.

"He claims Grand Master Oogway asked him to join us," said Tigress evenly.

"He hasn't even began training yet! How can he help with this mission?!"

"I don't know. I've never gotten into the habit of questioning a Grand Master's motives."

"Very well," snarled Shifu, "Since he's here, Mantis, Monkey and Crane go back to the Jade Palace. You three can guard the Valley of Peace while Tigress and Viper,.. and the Panda... are escorting the Princess. In the meantime, I'll meditate and perhaps get some training on the Furious Five who are remaining behind here."

"Wow, you really sound like a smart leader-kind-of guy."

"Thank you... I think."

"WHY ARE WE WAITING HERE?!" shrieked a nearby feminine voice from within the box of the Sedan Chair, "WHY HAVEN'T WE LEFT YET?!"

"Princess," said another male voice, "We're almost ready to leave now. I swear. It's going to be just a little while longer..."

"ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME?!"

"Well you did ask a question," observed Po.

"IS EVERYONE GOING TO MOUTH OFF TO A PRINCESS?!"

"Hey! What's your problem? He was just being totally respectful to you, and you treated him like he was dirt."

"COMPARED TO ME, YOU'RE ALL DIRT UNDER MY HOOF!"

"Stop it, Po," snapped Shifu, "She's a child Princess!"

"Child Princess?" he asked, "Awesome! I'm great with kids!"

"Now Po," he warned, "You should be respectful of the Royals at all times. Never look them in the eye. Never touch them unless it's absolutely necessary. No matter what happens or what they say, never ever raise your hand or your voice to one."

Viper came up to Po carrying a long stick in her tail. It was wrapped heavily in leather around the middle, and the ends were capped in dark iron.

"What's this?" he asked her excitedly.

"It's a bo staff," she replied, "The staff is built for battle. Since you haven't started your training yet, I felt you would do better if you had a suitable... beginner's weapon."

"Thanks, Viper," he said happily as he looked over the staff, "It's so awesome!"

"We have a lot of Bo Staves in the Jade Palace Armory," she replied with a slight blush, "It's nothing special. There's a whole lot of weapons stored there."

"Oh, this mission is going to be easy-peasy," said Po.

...

"This is NOT easy-peasy! No one said we had to go so far!" griped Po.

"What?" asked Tigress, "You think the King of the Qidan just hangs out near the Valley of Peace?"

"Well why not?"

"Because Temutai runs an Empire," she answered evenly, "and he would like nothing better than to add the Valley of Peace to his list of conquests."

"Well the Furious Five won't let him do that, right?"

"I don't know," said Tigress, "He's supposed to be such a mighty Kung Fu Expert, he can tear people apart without even touching them. Temutai is supposed to be one of the strongest people there are in the whole land. They say his strength is so great, even the largest and mightiest of ELEPHANTS will not wrestle or fight him."

"Wow... that sounds a little scary awesome."

"WELL I'M A PRINCESS!" assured the Princess Mei Li, "HE WOULDN'T DARE MESS WITH THE LIKES OF ME!"

"Confident, isn't she?"

"Arrogant is more like it," said Tigress quietly.

"So she's a little spoiled," he mused back, "I suppose an Imperial child would expect that kind of thing, after all."

"A little spoiled?" griped Tigress, "She's more like rotten to the core."

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

"Well..."

"SOMEONE GET ME SOME BUNS STUFFED WITH BEAN PASTE AT ONCE!" squalled the pig Princess, "I'M HUNGRY!"

"Not harsh enough," muttered Tigress.

...

Meanwhile, over at the Croc Bandit Lair somewhere off in the Bamboo Forest, Fung was debating with the boys over what they were going to do for the day.

"But Fung," said Gahri, "We promised your mother we'd clean up the weeds in the garden for her today. You know we owe her for letting us use her house as the gang's hideout."

"We need money!" he cried back.

"So you need money, eh?"

All of the Crocs glanced to the window, where they noticed an owl looking back at them.

"Who are you?!" asked Fung.

"Oh, my name is not important here," she said smoothly, "but there is a Princess being escorted through the Bamboo Forest now, even as we speak. Not only does she have a wealth of goods with her baggage, but a Princess is worth a King's Ransom to anyone who can take her!"

"What do you get out of this?"

"Oh, the only thing I want is to humiliate the Furious Five!"

"That's all?"

"Oh, I don't need the money or anything like that."

"You're weird."

"Do you want to know where the Princess is or not?!"

"What do you think, boys? Are we going to rob and kidnap a Princess today?"

The Croc Bandits cheered their approval.

"Okay, Miss Nobody Owl. We're in!"

"Who's going to fix my garden?" asked a distant voice.

"Mom!" called Fung, "We're busy! We gotta kidnap a Princess and stuff!"

"I promise we'll get to it as soon as we can!" called Gahri.

"Why can't you be a good boy like Gahri?" she asked.

"Because when I'm rich and powerful, I swear you'll never have to suffer being poor again, Mom!" called Fung, "I'll have servants to take care of you every minute and look after your every need!"

"Why can't you just get a job?"

"You know I can't keep a job!" he called back, "No one wants to keep a crocodile around!"

"Because you're lazy and clumsy!"

"No, it's because people are prejudiced against us crocs!"

"Maybe I should just stay back..."

"No, Garry," he interrupted, "We're gonna need every hand on deck if we're going to take down the Royal Guards of a Princess!"

"That's Gahri, not Garry!"

"Whatever," sniffed Feng.

"There are no Royal Guards," assured the Owl, "Just the Furious Five and the Royal Attendants. They must be traveling fast and light."

"Hey, that will make things a whole lot easier."

"My suggestion is you wait until the sun almost set, and then attack them before they can recover from the day's marching. You can set up an ambush, so all of your men can be relaxed and fresh."

"Wow, that's like a real smart idea."

"Thank you."

"Would you like to replace Garry as my second?"

"While I'm tempted, I just cannot settle down to a life of thievery. I've got too many other things to do before that time comes."

...

The group had been walking for quite some time as the sun began to set. They were just starting that time of the evening where the sun had set, but there was still the afterglow keeping the world lit up. The light began to shift from yellow to orange on it's way to red, and finally to darkness.

"So how are you and the Princess getting along?" asked Tigress.

"It's just a little harder than I thought," who was looking a little burnt and crispy around the edges.

"There's the understatement of the decade. She broke your puppets, spilled your mahjong pieces, mocked your jokes, and she's exploded about a hundred small fireworks bombs on your head."

"I like to think of this... as a challenge."

"Yeah, right..."

"I don't know why you're trying so hard to get her to like you," said Viper.

"I just... wanna see that everyone is given a chance..." answered Po, "because deep down, most people... are good natured."

"YOU FACE FUNG AND HIS MIGHTY CROC BANDITS! DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE, AND DROP YOUR WEAPONS!" shouted Fung as he and his Croc Bandits, several of them in number, cut off the road ahead. He adjusted his metal pot helmet in order to look more threatening. When Po looked back, that side of the road was blocked by Croc Bandits, about 5 in number, as well. There was also 3 more Bandits on each side of the road. They were quite surrounded by the enemy. All of the Bandits appeared to be armed with a double-bit ax while Fung was armed with two such axes. Other than Fun'g metal pot helmet, the Croc Bandits appeared to be unarmored.

"WELL WHICH IS IT?!" yelled Po back, "DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE, OR DROP OUR WEAPONS?!" He threw his hands aside to indicate visually that he was questioning the Croc Bandit.

Tigress simply face-palmed herself.

"Okay," said Fung, "I guess that's a really good question..."

"HEY!" called Mei Li, "I'M A PRINCESS! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO A ROYAL PERSONAGE LIKE THAT, YOU PEASANT!"

"I'M NOT A PEASANT!" he called back, "I'M A DANGEROUS BANDIT OVER HERE!"

"I ORDER YOU TO BEHEAD YOURSELVES RIGHT NOW!"

There was an awkward pause before he continued, "ON SECOND THOUGHT, JUST GIVE US THE PRINCESS AND NO ONE GETS HURT HERE!"

"HOW ABOUT WE DON'T GIVE YOU THE PRINCESS, AND ONLY YOU GET HURT?!" said Tigress in frustration. She rushed ahead to attack while Viper and Po moved to attack the Croc Bandits in the rear. The Attendants moved closer to the sedan chair to protect the Princess.

"SO IT'S THE HARD WAY!" called Fung, "GET'EM BOYS!" The Croc Bandits rushed into attack from every direction.

Tigress grabbed the head of the nearest Croc Bandit's great ax as she kicked him in the knee. She then twisted the ax out of his hands, and then threw the ax at the Croc Bandit standing just behind him. He just managed to duck aside before the ax split his head open. Tigress crouched down, stepped into the unarmed Croc Bandit and gave him a heck of an uppercut into the lower jaw of his snout.

Viper struck a nerve point in one of the Croc Bandit's knee while Po took a whack at the guy standing next to him with his sturdy staff. The blow from the staff smacked him hard over the head. The knee strike caused the one Croc Bandit to keel over gripping his leg in pain. The other grabbed his head where Po whacked him hard.

"Po!" shouted Viper, "The middle is vulnerable! You have to go back and defend the Princess! I can take care of these jokers myself!"

"You're right," said Po as he turned around and went back. He rushed back to engage all of the Bandits who were attacking the middle, threatening the Princess and her sedan chair. With his iron-shod staff, he laid into the nearest crocodile with a jabbing thrust to the stomach region. In spite of his thick, scaly hide, Po was pretty sure that blow was going to leave a mark.

Tigress waited in a defensive stance while two Bandits stepped into attack. Just before they took a swing at her, she grabbed their snouts at the ends, and used their momentum to slam them into each other rather hard. As the two of them fell down, they dropped their axes as well.

Viper wrapped herself about what passed for a Croc's neck, then used her tail to wrap around his fist and made him punch himself in the face while his buddies looked on. Several blows to the head began to leave him in a state of confusion.

Po decided to distract the Bandits by slamming the heel of the staff into the feet of the Croc Bandits around him. Most of them dropped their axes in favor of holding their foot and hopping around.

Fung decided that he had enough of Tigress, so he decided it was time for him to step up and deal with her personally. Swinging both axes overhead at her simultaneously, he at least made her step back from his furious assault.

Then to his horror, he realized that the Princess had stepped out of the front door of her sedan chair as she yelled, "WHERE'S MY BEAN BUNS?! WHY HAVEN'T YOU IDIOTS CRUSHED THESE THUGS FOR ME YET?!"

The closest Bandit grabbed her as she screamed at him, "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE ROYAL PERSONAGE! UNHAND ME AT ONCE!" She was barely larger then his arm was, and crocs were known for having fairly small arms compared to the length of their bodies.

Po jabbed the croc low between the legs to make him cringe and let go of the Princess. He threw her up into the air as he called out his pain. Normally Po would not take such a cheap shot, but he was badly outnumbered, and a little girl was suddenly in danger. He extended the staff to neatly catch her on the end as if it were an improvised seat.

The five Bandits around him rushed in to attack, so he shouted, "TIGRESS! I CAN'T DEFEND THE PRINCESS! CATCH!" He flipped the Princess forward hoping that Tigress had in fact heard him and she was able to take the split second needed to grab her.

But a shadow flashed overhead and the Princess seemed to disappear without a trace. It was a bird-shaped shadow moving at incredible speed. Tigress and Viper managed to see it as well.

"FENGHUANG?!" cried a distressed Viper, "WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?!"

"This attack was too coordinated," replied Tigress, "SHE HAD TO HAVE SET UP THE WHOLE ATTACK HERSELF!"

"Hey!" answered Fung, "She just told us where to find you! The rest was ALL US!"

The Princess cried out as she was carried away, "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE ROYAL PERSONAGE! UNHAND ME AT ONCE!"

The Owl laughed madly as she said, "Unhand you at once! Sure, I'll let you fall to your death, you little spoiled brat!"

"I COMMAND YOU TO LAND THIS INSTANT AND RELEASE ME!"

"I'm a Kung Fu Master, you foolish little idiot, and I don't have to take any orders or any grief from the likes of you!"

Her Royal screaming demands slowly faded as she was carried off into the distance.