Po, the Harem Master

Part 4: Po Under the Hoof

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

The Princess was just kidnapped by an Owl, and they were still fighting for their lives against the Croc Bandit ambush all around them.

"Why did you throw the Princess?!" asked Tigress angrily.

"HEY!" he answered, "I didn't know they had air force on their side!"

"I don't think anyone could have known that!" shouted Viper.

"We'll get the Princess back! The Owl flew off directly to the north!"

"HEY!" shouted Fung, "You still haven't dealt with the Croc Bandits, you know!"

"You're on our to do list! We'll get to you as soon as we can!"

"What are we still fighting for?!" asked Gahri.

"We're the Croc Bandits!" shouted Fung back, "We're fighting for... We're fighting for... Darn it, Garry!" He flung his pot helmet to the ground at that point. "You made me lose my mule train of thought over here!"

"EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING!" shouted Po, and oddly enough, they all did.

"What is it?" asked Fung.

"You can take two of the cargo litters and whatever you can stuff in them," said Po, "as long as you leave us some food, some water, and don't hurt any of the attendants."

"Just because we're Bandits doesn't mean we're cruel or anything." He looked around and realized that his men were losing the fight anyways, so he added, "We accept your terms, Panda... whatever your name is..."

"Oh," he replied, "I'm Po. It may sound hard to believe, but I was just chosen to be the Dragon Warrior. Isn't that so cool?"

"I don't know," confessed Fung, "I somehow thought the Dragon Warrior... would be kinda taller or something."

"If he's the Dragon Warrior," shouted Gahri, "HE COULD HAVE DESTROYED US ALL BY NOW AND NOT BROKEN A SWEAT!"

"Really?" He called the Bandits closer and said quietly, "Quick, stuff those cargo litters with the good stuff and let's get the heck out of here before he changes his mind. No one insults anyone on their side no matter what they say to you. If they talk to you, make your answer short and respectful." They huddled closer as he finished, "We can't give the Dragon Warrior any reason to take us out. He's just playing with us to see how smart we is."

"Are," said Gahri.

"What does 'R' have to do with anything?"

"Nothing," he replied.

They all nodded. Since they were mainly after goods, there was only a little room left for food and drink, so the Kung Fu Masters, Po and the attendants were left with the majority of it. What food they did take, however, was the best of the best. The alcohol alone would have a high resale value on the Black Market. They also stole all the silk finery like the napkins, as well as all of the finest silverware utensils, pots, gravy boats and the like. And they took all of the fine Chinaware as well.

"Excuse me?" asked Po of Fung.

"Yeah?"

"Could you be a pal and leave us one teapot and one kettle?"

"Uh, sure," he answered as he shoved a teapot and a kettle into Po's hands.

"Thanks."

Po was the only one who waved goodbye as the Bandits ran off with their spoils.

"You know you're just encouraging them?" asked Tigress.

"Oh no," he said, "They got enough stuff to last them for years. Years they won't be spending robbing people along the road."

"You know, I think you may have a point there," said Viper.

"It's not like the Empire just can't replace this stuff. The Princess, on the other hand, cannot be so easily replaced. We have to focus on getting her back from the Owl."

"For a guy who worked at a noodle shop, you seem to have a pretty good grasp of strategy."

"Gee thanks, Viper. That's high praise from a Kung Fu Master like you. The problem is, they attacked just as it was turning dark. We can't follow the Owl in the dark, and we certainly can't fly. There's no way to follow them until morning, and who knows just how far that Owl will have flown away from here by then."

"I'm a tiger," said Tigress, "We see well in the dark."

"We can't let you run off by yourself!"

"I can take care of myself!" she answered hotly, "I'll follow as best I can, and come back here in the morning to tell you where Fenghuang went off to."

"By the way, who is Fenghuang?"

"Before the Furious Five, and before Tai Lung, there was another Five assembled under Grand Master Oogway," began Viper, "and the greatest among them was Fenghuang. She could perform the Seven Impossible Techniques, just like then Master Oogway could. But her peerless talent was matched by her bottomless ego. She felt she should lead. That everyone should bow to her prowess."

"Wow, this won't end well."

"It didn't. She challenged Oogway for the right to rule. It was a legendary battle that lasted for a full week without a break. Oogway then revealed that while they fought, he had an inescapable prison of iron forged for her. He was simply playing her for time. When she realized what he had been up to, she broke off the fight, fled, and has not been seen anywhere near the Jade Palace since then. She will not move against the Valley of Peace as long as Grand Master Oogway lives."

"I guess the same doesn't apply to the Furious Five, huh?"

"No," said Tigress, "It doesn't." She turned and ran off into the dark after the Owl and the Princess.

The rest set up a camp, and went to sleep. It was lucky that most of the Attendants' camp gear was considered too 'low class' to be stolen by the Bandits. They were able to cook up some food for all of them, and had a little rice wine to drink as well.

After everyone was asleep, Po got Scorpion out of his shoulder bag to make sure she was fed, watered, and could slip away to relieve herself as well. The Attendant that was watching the camp was not trained as a guard, and therefore not all that alert.

But while Scorpion was gone, something happened. Po glanced over to the other side of the tent and noticed that Viper was not doing well even though she was right next to a lit oil lamp. She did not look comfortable.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"It's just a little cold over here," she replied, "Snakes have a little trouble dealing with the cold, you know. I can't... sleep very well."

"Well come over here," he said, "I've got room in my bedroll, and I've got plenty of body heat to share with you."

"You don't mind having a snake sleep with you? Not even Master Tigress or Master Monkey would let me share a blanket with them let alone a sleeping bag."

"You're with the Furious Five. I know you won't do anything dishonorable."

"Wow, you're just about the sweetest guy I've ever met," she said with a slight blush as she crawled over to Po and his sleeping bag. Poking her nose under the edge, she crawled out of view. He could feel her coiling herself as she settled down on top of his stomach.

"Good night, Viper," he said with a smile.

"Good night," she replied softly.

When Scorpion returned, he hushed her with a hand gesture and guided her back into the shoulder bag without getting out of his bed roll. While she wasn't exactly sure what was going on, she simply did as he wanted without question. She was pretty sure that being quiet had something to do with it.

...

When morning came, Po and Viper set out after Tigress after a brief breakfast of tea and biscuits. Po managed to slip a few to Scorpion as well. Tigress had not come back anytime that night, and now they were worried about her being out alone in the dark with a rogue Kung Fu Master hanging around.

They trudged through the Bamboo Forest as they followed the obvious signs that Tigress had left behind. It was lucky she was in a hurry, because neither Po nor Viper were qualified trackers. Po suddenly stopped as he noted, "I think I hear something up ahead."

"Me too," said Viper, "We need to sneak closer and see who it is."

They nodded to each other as they moved ahead stealthily. What they saw when they got to a clearing left them feeling cold, as they saw Tigress hogtied to a cluster of bamboo trees. She was stripped down to a loincloth, and her mouth and muzzle were tightly gagged as well. The child Princess was tied to a separate tree, gagged, but not stripped like Tigress was.

When Tigress saw then, she desperately tried to warn them, but it all came out as "MMMPPPHHH! MMMMMM! MMMMMM!"

But Viper was already rushing towards Tigress to untie her. Po was falling behind because he was just the slower of the two. A shadow flashed by, intersecting Viper in the middle of a leap, and it sent her flying into a nearby bamboo tree which splintered under the force of the blow. The Owl circled around to strike again, but Po got in the way and blocked Viper with his own body. While he was struck very hard as well, he did not move because he was large and weighty.

"Leave Viper alone!" he called after her.

Viper realized that Po may well have just saved her life. But she was badly winded from hitting the tree, and she was in no shape to fight.

The Owl circled and attacked Po from the back this time. She lashed out at the place his shoulders met his neck, and the force of that blow knocked him down onto his face. His staff fell from his hand as he hit the ground. As he staggered back to his feet, she mocked him as she called, "Stay down, you fat weak fool! You can't beat the Great and Powerful Fenghuang!"

"It doesn't matter what happens to me," he called back, "I can't let you hurt anyone else!"

Viper and Tigress knew that he was talking about them as much as he was talking about the Princess.

She stopped in front of him, and said, "Then die, fool! THUNERING WIND HAMMER!" She flapped her wings and launched a green energy blast at Po he doubted he could have dodged even on his best day. It slammed him back onto his back.

He gasp and sat up again as he said, "Wow! One of the Seven Impossible Techniques: The Thundering Wind Hammer!

"Damn you!" she cursed, "How can you survive that blow?!"

"Uh, the curse of the Noodle Shop?"

"Well, when I build up this Mongolian Fireball, there's no way you'll live through that!" She landed, and a glowing ball of burning energy began to build up between the ends of her wings she had cupped like hands. But a small vial burst against her wing, releasing a cloud of green dust and gas. Most of the stuff was waved away, but there was enough to make the Owl cough and gag.

"Not if Scorpion, the Master of Poison has anything to say about this!" called the small red scorpion from nearby as if she had appeared from nowhere.

"Damn you!" shouted Fenghuang, "Why the hell does this matter to the likes of YOU?!"

"Because you hurt the Dragon Warrior, and he's MY FRIEND! No one hurts a FRIEND of the SCORPION with IMMUNITY!"

"Quiong Qi, the Scorpion, has a friend?" she asked mockingly, "How amusing. I'll let you go for now, Dragon Warrior, but I'll be back to get you!" She flew away very fast.

"Why is she leaving?" asked Po.

"Because she has to neutralize the poison I just hit her with," said Scorpion, "Even with her Legendary status as a Kung Fu Master, she isn't immune. She's holding up much better than someone with no Kung Fu Training at all, but still..."

"Wow Scorpion," he said as he picked her up, "That was SO AWESOME!"

"Shouldn't you being untying the tiger and the little pig over there?" she asked.

"Well, you have those sharp pincers," he replied as he carried her over to Viper, "They'll cut the ropes a whole lot faster."

"Oh, I see," she answered.

He put Scorpion on his head, and then he put Viper around his neck as he trotted over to Tigress and the Princess. Viper and Scorpion exchanged glances at each other, but nothing was said between them. The Princess was cut loose first, and then Tigress was. She seemed so relieved once she could... well... relieve herself. But removing the gag was also a big relief.

"Anyone see Tigress' clothes?" he asked.

"Fenghuang told me she tossed them over the nearest waterfall," scowled Tigress, "I'm sure that they miles and miles down river by now."

"Wow," said Po as he reached for his own trousers, "That's just... rude. Let me give you my..."

"No!" snapped Tigress, "They're... they're way too big for me. I'll be fine like this."

"Aren't you cold?"

"No, I've spent hours and hours meditating under a freezing cold waterfall. I'll be fine." Tigress spent a moment flexing and testing herself. "Damn her," she added with a scowl, "She cut my strength by hitting my pressure points. Otherwise I could have got out of those ropes and slipped away while she was gone."

"I can fix..." began Viper.

"No! I'll fix this myself! I don't need anyone else!" She began using her claw to press her own pressure points, causing her to wince in pain.

"It's better if someone else..."

"I can do this!"

Viper just watched Tigress poking herself.

"By the way," added Tigress, "I didn't need help. I was just waiting for the right moment when I could get the Princess away. She didn't have to pay for my mistakes."

"Of course," said Po with a wink, "We know that Master Tigress can take care of herself."

But the Princess had come around and hugged Po's leg. She seemed like a completely different person when she said, "Thank you for saving me! I promise you a huge reward of..."

"Princess, Princess," he cut her off, "The Dragon Warrior does not work for rewards."

"You risked your life, and you don't want a reward?!" she asked bordering on shock.

"That's right," he said, "I saved you because I like you!"

"You like me?" she asked, "No one really likes me! I'm mean and spiteful! People are like doormats to me! I'm bossy and pushy! If I weren't a Princess, no one would like me at all!"

"People would like you if you just gave the whole Royal Attitude a rest, and let them like you."

The Princess buried her face in his thigh and cried. Po picked her up and carried her in his arms as he said, "Let's get you back to the Attendants. I'm sure they're all worried sick about you."

"You really think so?" she sniffed as she cried.

"Yes, they were besides themselves with worry."

"I guess there's no more point in hiding," said Scorpion.

The group got back to the Attendants, who seemed surprised that there was a Scorpion on Po's head, a Viper around his neck, and the Princess in his arms. The Princess was actually smiling and joking with the Panda as they walked. Something they could never remember seeing from her before. They also couldn't help but stare at the all but naked Tigress, but they managed to dig out an old red linen cloak from the servant's clothes that they were all too happy to give her.

"Well, there's no point living in the past," said Po, "Temutai is waiting."

They gathered what was left, packed it up, and set off in the sedan chair as well as hauling what was left of the cargo litters. Being down two cargo litters, the rest had extra carriers, so they moved along just a little faster than before.

When they finally came to the castle of the Qidan, it looked more like a castle that had been ruined in battle a long time earlier. But there was scores of water buffalo warriors everywhere. They were really hard to miss. They all carried around a really large iron weapon with them as well, ranging from double bit axes to spiky morningstars to smashy hammers.

But the biggest of them all was sitting on his bare throne of stone, and he didn't appear to be too happy.

"YOU ARE LATE!" he scowled, "AND I DO NOT LIKE LATENESS!"

"Well," said Po, "There was Bandits, a rogue Kung Fu Master, a kidnapped Princess to rescue, we had to get a lot of our stuff back..."

"AND I DON'T LIKE EXCUSES!"

"Wow, are you really that loud all the time, because I'd be totally..."

"ENOUGH CHIT-CHAT! WHERE'S MY PRINCESS?!"

"Uh, your Princess?"

"YES! THAT IS THE DEAL! THE PRINCESS BECOMES MY SLAVE FOREVER, AND I WILL NOT WAGE WAR AGAINST YOU FOR SIX YEARS!"

"Wow, that is a really one-sided deal..."

"TOUGH COOKIES! JUST HONOR THE DEAL AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"Just leave me here with him," said Mei Li, "We have to honor the bargain."

"Just how many Princesses have you taken?!" asked Po.

"THIS MAKES SIX!.. OR SEVEN!.. IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

Po happened to notice another, older pig looking fearfully from behind the thone. Mei Li had noticed her as well. She looked dirty, ill feed, and poorly clothed as well.

"SISTER?!" asked Mei Li.

"You have a sister?" asked Po.

"Sure, she vanished six years ago. They said that she died in a wild animal attack on the way home from the peace talks with Temutai. There was no body because they had to bury what was left of her at the site of the attack."

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT LIES YOU TELL EACH OTHER!"

"Look, King of the Qidan, why don't you choose one of your biggest and baddest warriors, and we fight for the Princesses! If I win, we take the Princesses back and you keep the peace!"

"WHAT DO I GET IF I BEAT YOU?!"

"Well, you get the Princess of course, the ONE AND ONLY Dragon Warrior as your personal slave forever, and for a limited time only, you get Master Tigress, Master Viper, and Scorpion, the Master of Poisons! How can you beat a 5 for 1 deal like that?!" He stepped over and removed Tigress' cloak with a flourish, and even the King of the Qidan couldn't help but stare at her fine form. She was too busy glaring at Po, wishing she know the Looks That Kill Technique, but fortunately, she didn't. She and Scorpion looked at Po like he was NUTS, but Viper smiled as if she knew better and she believed in him.

"I ACCEPT YOUR TERMS! FOR MY WARRIOR, I SHALL FIGHT YOU MYSELF!"

They couldn't believe when Temutai pulled himself to his full height, which was nearly twice the size of the Dragon Warrior himself. And it all looked like heavy muscles and large thick bones. He towered over them all like some kind of mythic giant.

"Wow, you look really awesome," said Po quietly.

Temutai wasted no time in striking with his massive fist, but it was only the ground that splintered because he struck where Po was standing.

"For being such a good audience," said Po with a smirk, "Here's the parting gift: The Dragon Warrior Home Game!"

"What is he babbling about?" asked Tigress.

"I have no idea," said Viper and Scorpion as one.

"This Edition is called the Thundering Wind Hammer!"

By copying Fenghuang's movements perfectly, he fired the Impossible Thundering Wind Hammer Attack right into the gut of Temutai, who was sent flying backwards at least a full mile through his own stone throne, several fat stone columns, and at least one 10 yard thick stone wall.

Everyone else was totally dumbfounded.

The sister ran out and hugged Princess Mei Li. She looked so happy and relieved. It was about then that they realized a little water buffalo child was tied to her back.

"SIS?!" she asked, "Did he?! I mean?! How could he?!"

"Yes," answered the older sister, "The baby is his. He raped me. I couldn't stop him. He was my master, and so much stronger than me. I wanted to die, but he wouldn't let me have the honor of taking my own life."

"It's time to go home," said Po, "There's no shame in doing what you had to to survive. Bring the baby along too. It's not his fault who his father is."

"It's a little girl," she answered, "but you're right. Temutai wanted a male heir, but he hasn't got one yet. Not from me. Not from the girls who came before me."

"I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!" roared Temutai as he staggered back. But then one of the columns he broke on the way out collapsed and fell on him, leaving only his muzzle sticking out as he said more softly, "Okay, it's a draw... You can take the Princesses and go, and I will keep the peace..."

"Awesome!"

Scorpion looked really nervous as she stood before the Grand Master Oogway. Master Shifu was just standing behind and to his right. They were all together in the Hall of Heroes, except for the two Princesses, who were sent back to the Imperial Seat to be rejoined with their parents.

"So the Dragon Warrior says you were treated badly?" asked the tortoise, "That you were banished for a crime you didn't commit? That you would like to live in the Valley of Peace once more?"

"Yes," she said, "It's all true."

"If the Dragon Warrior himself shall take responsibility for you," he said slowly, "Then I hereby lift the banishment of the Scorpion."

"That's sweet!" said Po.

"Then you don't mind having Scorpion live with you until a more permanent arrangement can be made for her to live?"

"Yes!" he said, and then paused to say, "Say what?"

"Master!" said Shifu, "You can't be serious! We can't have the Scorpion running around the Jade Palace like this!"

"I might be a little forgetful at times," he said to Shifu, "Who's running the Jade Palace?"

"Uh, of course you are."

"Then Scorpion can come to the Jade Palace as she pleases."

"Grand Master Oogway?" asked Master Viper, "May I speak freely?"

"Of course you can," said Oogway.

"We ran into Fenghuang, there was a bit of a fight, and Po was able to perform the THUNDERING WIND HAMMER Attack after seeing her do it just ONCE!"

"The Thundering Wind Hammer?!" asked Shifu in dismay, "That fat Panda did that?!"

"That's very good," said Oogway, "The true potential of the Dragon Warrior."

"Not even Tai Lung could learn the Thundering Wind Hammer," said Shifu in shock and dismay.

"What else did we miss?" asked Monkey.

"Well, there was this fight with Temutai, King of the Qidan where Po just kicked his ass all over the place. And the kidnapping of the Princess. And the part where Tigress was stripped and..."

"WE DON'T NEED TO TELL THEM ANYTHING ELSE!" snarled Tigress.

"I dunno," said Po, "I think Tigress looks awesome beautiful in just her... OOF!"

Tigress kicked Po in the stomach to shut him up.

"I am sure that will all make an amusing legend," said Master Oogway, "but now it's time for the Dragon Warrior's training to begin in earnest."