Po, the Harem Master

Part 5: Po At Master Shifu's Displeasure

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

"So you get to handle my Dragon Warrior Training, huh?" asked Po, "It's such an honor to be trained by someone as important as you."

"Well the Grand Master needs to be alone," said Shifu, "He needs time to continue his meditations about what we should do about Tai Lung, and when he's going to break out of Chohr-Gom Prison. I just want you to know that just because Grand Master Oogway believes in you does not mean that I believe in you."

"Say what?"

"Here's a little test," he said as he grabbed Po by the pinkie, "and you've failed already."

"That the Wuxi Finger Hold!" exclaimed Po, "Developed by Master Wuxi in the third century!"

"Well, you know something about this hold, do you? Then tell me how you get OUT of this hold alive and I'll let you go."

"It's a trick question. Once you're in this position, it's way to late to get out."

"Very good," he answered, "And you're completely right. You know what? You're in the exact same position right now. Master Oogway may be convinced that just because you did the Thundering Wind Hammer Technique on a fluke, that somehow justifies that you are the one and legendary Dragon Warrior. I don't think that's right at all, and I'm still willing to give you a big, fat bag of silver coin right now to call of this whole mistake and just go home right now. You can take your new, sickening little Scorpion friend with you."

"Hey!" he said, "Oogway pardoned her. He said she was innocent."

"Just because you said she was innocent, and that's only because she said she was innocent! But a scorpion never tells the truth, you clown!"

"Racist much?"

"Speak to me with more respect, you clown!"

"Fine," he groaned, "Sorry to have disrespected you... somehow."

"Well, if Grand Master Oogway wants me to start your Dragon Warrior training, I guess we should go over to the Training Hall, don't you think?"

"That would be awesome!"

"We'll just see about that, won't we?" mused Master Shifu as he led the Panda across the Jade Palace compound. He stopped at the doorway, and said "The Furious Five are inside right now. I need a moment to speak to them privately before you come in. You understand, don't you?"

"Oh, Kung Fu secret stuff. I totally understand."

"Very good, I'll be back in a moment." Master Shifu slipped in the door and closed it behind him. Then he said, "My Furious Five, come over here."

"Yes Master," they all replied as one.

"So what is it?" asked Master Mantis.

"You need to stop training for a few minutes. I'm setting the training hall equipment to the HIGHEST and MOST DANGEROUS level."

"Why?" asked Tigress.

"Because the fat lazy Panda is about to come in here, and I think a good beating from the hall will show him for the fraud he is. Then he can go home, and one of you can be the REAL Dragon Warrior."

"Couldn't that kill him?" asked Viper in distress.

"Well if he can take a hit from the Thundering Wind Hammer, then the training hall won't kill him."

"I still think the whole thing is dishonorable," muttered Tigress.

"No," scolded Shifu, "Letting that abomination run around and act like he's the Dragon Warrior is being dishonorable! You better not tell him any of this!"

"I shall keep my tongue stilled, Master."

"Good, because if the training hall equipment doesn't make him see the error of his ways, the beating... uh, training you're going to give him sure will!"

"Beating?" asked Viper.

"Yes," he said, "This practice combat must be so real and painful, I want him to bleed!"

"No!" said Viper, "I refuse!"

"I refuse too!" said Tigress.

"Please," said Shifu, "As a friend and Master, I'm asking you to do the right thing."

"I can't throw my honor away for that!" said Tigress and Viper as one. The two glanced at each other.

"But he's a MORON!" he scowled, "He's letting SCORPION have the run of the Jade Palace!"

"Scorpion saved me from Fenghuang," said Tigress, "I owe her my life."

"I assure you it's all just some trick to get into the Palace and kill us all in our sleep. You know full well she planted the bomb at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony."

"We can't prove anything about that."

"We won't use shameful means to get to a goal, no matter how honorable and good that goal might be," added Viper.

"We won't say anything to Po, but we will not help you."

"I understand fully," replied Shifu, "so I shall not punish you in any way for sticking to your honor."

Viper and Tigress bowed to Shifu before they left.

"Hey ladies," said Po as they past him.

The two nodded to him as they passed.

"Is Master Shifu ready to see me yet?"

They nodded again.

"Awesome," he replied, "See ya later."

"Don't work too hard," said Tigress, "The early worm get the bruises."

"The... wha?"

"Oh, it's nothing," she replied.

"She just means we don't want to see the Dragon Warrior hurt himself in training," added Viper.

"Ah... I get'cha," he replied cluelessly. Then he went into the Training Hall.

"Welcome to the Training Hall," said Master Shifu, "The Furious Five have graciously turned over the Training Hall to you so you can get your first training session in."

Po bowed to Crane, Mantis and Monkey as he said, "Thanks guys! You're awesome!"

"I know it looks bad," said Shifu, "but I turned the Training Machine down to the lowest level. You can begin your training over at the wavy rolling log station." He pointed at the rolling spiral poles. Po looked as he added, "All you have to do is walk over them without falling off."

"I... guess... that's... not... too... hard..." said Po as if he didn't quite believe it himself.

He stepped on to the spinning rollers and was promptly thrown into the nearby wall. A groan of pain came from his lips as he left an impression of himself in the wooden planks of the wall.

"Come on, Panda," said Shifu sarcastically, "Even children learners can do that. Try again."

Once again, he stepped on to the spinning rollers and was promptly thrown into the nearby wall. The impression of him in the wall got a little deeper.

"Is this seriously the best you can do?!" asked Shifu, "The Dragon Warrior should be able to do this in his sleep! Are you ready to call it quits yet?!"

"Do this in my sleep, huh?" mused Po.

"What are you babbling about, Panda?!"

He blindfolded himself, stuck his arms out like a sleepwalker, and then proceeded to walk across with no flaws and no mistakes. In fact, the swinging axes that he didn't even know about missed him completely. Shifu and the other 3 of the Furious Five were amazed.

He removed his blindfold on the other side and asked, "How was that, Master?"

Shifu cleared his throat with a cough, and said, "Adequate for a beginner, but still way short of the Dragon Warrior." He glanced back and took notice that Crane, Mantis and Monkey were all holding signs that said '10.0' on them. They put away the signs when Shifu gave them the 'old hairy eyeball', however.

Next came the 50 armed attack dummies, which were towers of spinning arms made from spiked clubs. The main objective of those was to learn to evade and block attacks from any level and any direction. Often, there would be several attacks simultaneously from multiple directions at multiple levels, thus making them dangerous even on the lowest settings. But at the highest level, the danger of head trauma and internal injury was all too real.

Po mastered the highest setting in less than 30 minutes, thus earning another grudging pass from Shifu. The Furious Five (who were present) were also getting to respect the Panda as the Dragon Warrior.

...

Meanwhile, the Masters Tigress and Viper were sharing a nice hot bath together. That bath was in fact quite large enough to hold at least 5 tigresses, so there was more than enough room for just the two of them. Since there was no men around to stink up the tub with mansweat, they felt free to wallow in rose oil and a mixture of flower petals, like rose, peach, and lotus. It made the whole bath smell nice. To Tigress, it was one of her secret weaknesses that she could never have talked to macho Kung Fu Masters like Crane, Mantis and Monkey about.

Sitting next to the bath was a large tray of Almond Cookies along with a silver tea service consisting of a teapot, a cream boat, a cup of sugar cubes (all made by hand, of course), and four teacups with their own saucer and teaspoon.

"Oh, I just love a good hot bath," said Viper, "It keeps my scales so soft and supple. When it's time to shed my skin, it almost all comes off as one piece."

"It's almost too embarrassing to admit I like smelling like a lady," said Tigress.

"What's wrong with that?"

"There's no Kung Fu Perfume," she sighed, "No Kung Fu Master wants to admit they like how they smell. It's all hard work, sweat and dirt."

"Only because most Kung Fu Masters are men. If there was more women Masters, I'm sure there would be a whole line of Kung Fu Bath Products for us."

"You're right, but most women just aren't interested in Kung Fu. It's not seen as being ladylike."

"That's because the women Masters stay too quiet. They aren't willing to step forward and take the credit they deserve for all the things they do for the land and its people."

Tigress popped a Almond Cookie into her mouth as Viper sipped her tea.

"There is nothing quite like a good Oolong tea, is there?" asked Viper as she put her cup back down.

"No," agreed Tigress, "There is not."

"Well, it's time to scrub your back," she continued as she picked up the sponge in her mouth. She coiled around behind Tigress as she washed her behind the ears, her neck, and down her back below the surface of the bathwater. Tigress began to twitch and jerk uncomfortably as she partly stood up in the tub. After a minute or two, she managed to settle down again.

"Darn it Viper," muttered Tigress, "I can wash down there myself!"

Viper's head came up between Tigress' legs as she was washing the tiger's washboard abs. Tigress could almost swear Viper was grinning as she looked into the tiger's eyes.

"You're all kinds of tense," said Viper as she rose up, "Why don't you look into my eyes and relax?" She was staring into Tigress' eyes as she began to dance and sway back and forth, back and forth.

Tigress found she couldn't break the stare of the Viper as she did seem to calm down and relax. It was really weird how Viper's gaze could have that effect on others. While Viper fixed her gaze, she used the rest of her body to wrap Tigress from her neck to her ankles, and use her entire body to massage the day's stress out of the more massive tiger's body.

"Ah," moaned Tigress, "You make me feel so good. I don't know what I've done to deserve such special treatment."

"You just have to be yourself," replied Viper, "We'll always be the best of friends, you know. When most Masters are men, the ladies have to stick together." Viper uncoiled from Tigress, and then nibbled at the pressure points around her neck and shoulders.

"I could just melt away into the bathwater," moaned Tigress.

"Don't worry," she replied, "I won't let that happen."

She removed her head decorations with the tip of her tail as she slipped her head into Tigress' panting mouth. Tigress suddenly stopped breathing as she felt the snake's head in her mouth pressing back towards her tonsils. She also realized with the pressure points Viper hit in her neck and shoulders combined with the 'hypnotic stare', her arms were far to relaxed to try and grab the snake. It was hardly like Viper was choking Tigress or anything, but she never had an idea why the snake would stick her head into the fanged maw of a tiger like that. Her head slipped past the tiger's tonsils and slightly down into her throat do her voice box where she felt a tickle in her neck, and then the snake withdrew from the mouth completely. Viper put her head decorations back on as she smiled softly in Tigress' face.

About then, something black and white with big brown trousers came crashing through the window and into the bath with them. His backside was sticking out of the water until he managed to flip himself over, and it was just about then that Viper was nibbling the pressure point at the end of Tigress' nose.

"HI-GEE-GEE!" he said.

"PERVERT!" called Viper as she tail slapped him stupid.

"CREEP!" shrieked Tigress as she punched him in the face.

Then Master Shifu, Master Mantis, Master Crane and Master Monkey ran into the bath. Tigress and Viper both screamed their heads off.

"We're so sorry!" said Shifu, "Monkey and Crane accidentally kicked Po together through the wall of the training center and apparently all the way over here."

Tiger and Viper thew Po out of the tub, and slammed him into Shifu and the others as Tigress screamed, "GET OUT OF HERE NOW!"

They grabbed the Panda and ran away. Just then, Scorpion came into the bath muttering, "I wonder what the flaming hurry the boys were in." She glanced up as she mused, "Oh, it's occupied. Do you think you have room for one more? I swear I won't poison anyone." The last part was said with a bit of an awkward smile.

"Sure," muttered Tigress, "Why not? You can't smell any worse than a sweaty Panda."

"You were bathing with the Pan..." she began, but then noticed the gaping hole in the wall just above and behind the tub area, and changed her thought, "Oh, never mind." She simple hopped onto the edge at the other end of the tub, and slipped into the water without hardly making a ripple.

"Men can be such a bother!" scowled Tigress.

"Well, in their defense, it does seem to have been an accident," said Viper.

"Are you feeling tense?" asked Scorpion.

"No," said Tigress sarcastically, "I just love it when big sweaty Pandas fall in the bathtub with me!"

"Yeah, you're tense. I know a whole lot about acupuncture. This tail isn't only good for delivering poisons, you know."

"That's alright," sighed Tigress, "Viper has been doing acupressure on me for years, and her knowledge of my body is very extensive."

"Well, if you ever want to give someone else a try. Perhaps another practitioner might just give you a whole new relaxing experience?"

"Perhaps some other time."