Thanks to inwhatuniverse for the whole chapter
Also it's worth mentioning that there is a moment during the session where Penny mentions Sheldon not having physical contact with anybody and of course that is all she knows because Amy has not told her anything about their developing relationship
Penny opened the door to the therapist's office and with trepidation approached the receptionist's window. She quietly whispered her name. She still was not comfortable coming to a therapy session, but her friends made her consider it and she knew in her heart it was the right thing to do in order to heal and hopefully win Leonard back.
"Excuse me, I am Penny and I have an 11:00 appointment" she whispered.
"Yes, please take a seat and complete these forms" said the receptionist while handing Penny a clipboard with forms to complete.
Penny nodded, grabbing the forms and looking at them briefly before turning to find a vacant chair. Finding a spot to sit that was a little more private, she began to complete the forms on the clipboard. Shortly after, her name was called and she handed the forms to the woman standing waiting at the door. She was escorted back to an office and was relieved when she realized the Dr. Alex Jamison was a female and not a male. She knew she would feel more comfortable talking about things with a female.
"So Penny, what brings you here today?" the doctor started out while quickly going over the forms that she had been given.
"Um, well I think I need some help working through some things" Penny said. She really felt uncomfortable even though the chair she was in was soft and comfy, but she honestly didn't even know where to begin.
"Okay, so what kind of things do you need to work through?" Dr. Jamison asked, now completely focused on Penny.
"Um…well…um…I have to admit, I have never been to a therapist before and really don't know where to begin" Penny stumbled.
"That's okay. We are just like anyone else. Just think of me as one of your friends. What would you tell your friend about why you came to see me today?" Dr. Jamison replied. She was a warm and charming woman. Her face showed compassion and concern, yet was full of hope and was promising.
"Okay. Well recently my boyfriend broke up with me. He and I have been sort of on and off dating for six years and I know he loves me and I love him." Penny started. Dr. Jamison didn't interrupt. She just sat, listening, and let Penny take her time to gather her thoughts and continue. She just nodded an encouragement to continue.
"Um…it was really my fault and I guess that the circumstances that led to him leaving me is the real reason I am here. I do things at times that I don't even know why I do them and they are hurtful not only to others, but to me. Also I have never really been very focused on what I want out of life." Taking a deep breath and fighting back tears, Penny continued "See he asked me to marry him a few times and each time I turned him down, hurting him deeply. It isn't that I didn't want to be with him…I love him with all my heart…but I am scared."
"What are you afraid of, Penny?"
"That's just it, I don't know. Forever seems like such a long time and I just don't like committing to anything" Penny cried. Tears fell from her face. Dr. Jamison handed her some tissues and gave her a few moments to collect her thoughts.
"Penny, you said you did things that hurt people, what kind of things?"
Penny started to sob and then blurt out in between sobs "I tried to seduce his best friend to sleep with me" sobbing more then she added "and what makes it worse it was my best friends boyfriend."
"So let me get this straight. Your boyfriend's best friend is who you tried to seduce and that same man is also your best friend's boyfriend?" Dr. Jamison asked for clarification, but was not judgmental in the slightest.
"Yes, I am such a terrible person" Penny continued to cry, going through tissues quickly.
"Penny, let's look at this a little deeper. This best friend of your boyfriend, is he someone you have always been attracted to? Could you have always wanted him instead of your boyfriend?" Dr. Jamison asked.
"Oh God no! Sheldon is…well he has never been my type. I don't find him attractive; I don't find him appealing in any sort of way. I actually think of him like a brother and a bratty brother at that. He is opposite of anything I like" Penny was horrified at the mere thought of anyone thinking she could be attracted to Sheldon. She shuddered at the mere thought.
"Yet you still tried to seduce…Sheldon, was it? Why is that? What made you want to seduce him?"
"I don't really know; that is the weird thing about it. He was being very nice to me because I was missing Leonard. See Leonard had to go off on a ship for four months to work with a project for Stephen Hawking and well, I was missing him terribly. Sheldon was being kind and tried to comfort me by bringing over some of Leonard's things for me to have with me and I mistook his being nice as wanting me. I guess I was just thinking he must want me and I was missing being held, so…" Penny was so ashamed when she was listening to her words.
"So you felt you had to sleep with him to repay him for his kindness?" Dr. Jamison was sort of at a loss as to what Penny was really thinking.
"No…I don't think so anyway. I really don't know why I tried to seduce him." Penny was puzzled herself about her actions. She had spent the past several weeks trying to sort out in her mind why she did it and she still had no answers.
"Penny, what did Sheldon do when you approached him?" Dr. Jamison put her hand softly on Penny's trying to reassure her that she was not being judged and that it was okay to talk.
"Oh God, he made it very clear he was repulsed and immediately ran from my apartment back into his. He lives across the hall from me. Leonard and he share an apartment together and I stay with Leonard sometimes so I have come to look at Sheldon like a pesky brother." Penny looked off then said "See Dr. Jamison? That is what makes no sense. I really have no interest in Sheldon physically or romantically. I really don't. So I came here to try and figure out what makes me do stupid things like that. This isn't the first time I have done stupid things that really I don't understand," Penny pleaded.
"Okay, so when Sheldon ran out, what did you feel?"
"Gross. I mean I felt like I was undesirable and hurt in a way, yet part of me way inside I think was relieved" Penny pondered as she tried to explain.
"Now that is a complex set of emotions you felt. So you were feeling undesirable, let's start with that. Why did you feel undesirable?"
"Because it was Sheldon…my God the man has only had one girlfriend ever, and that is my best friend Amy. They have been dating for three years and held hands maybe three times since. He has never done anything physical with anyone. He is sort of like a robot. But I couldn't even get him interested in me, and in the past any guy would have wanted me" Penny blurt out.
"So was your goal to make yourself feel more desirable then? When you seduced Sheldon, that is?"
"Um…hmmmm..I had not thought about it. Maybe? I know I was horny at the time because I missed Leonard and he and I have a pretty active sex life. He had been gone about a month by then and I was really missing sex." Penny blushed. She felt pretty stupid when she said that. It was as if she were some sort of sex-addict.
"I see. So you were feeling a bit amorous and wanting some affection?"
"I would say I just wanted sex and I guess I was hoping Sheldon would have sex with me and I would pretend it was Leonard" Penny sank in her chair covering her face. She could not believe how stupid that sounded.
"So you wanted Sheldon to substitute for your boyfriend. You would fantasize about Leonard while you were with Sheldon had he agreed. But then what did you expect to happen? You just told me that Sheldon was a virgin, correct? Do you think he would not have perhaps been affected had he gone through with your seduction plans? Not to mention how confusing all of this might have been for your best friend, Amy, was it?" Again, Dr. Jamison had no judgment in her voice. She was asking more for clarification and was trying to help Penny sort through her feelings.
"Oh God…Oh God…I hadn't even thought about that…oh God.." Penny literally felt ill. How could she have not ever thought about Sheldon's feelings and what it would have done to him? He was such a broken person already and she could have made him far worse. And then there was Amy. She too was broken, but coming out of her brokenness. This could put her back to a broken state. "Oh God…I am so horrible!" She covered her face with her hands. She didn't even want to be seen anymore by anyone.
"Penny, you are not horrible, but you are very confused. That is why you are here. We are going to work together to help unravel why you got confused in the first place and step through how to get you less confused and a lot more focused" Dr. Jamison confirmed.
"Do you think you can help me understand why I do what I do and fix me?" Penny asked with hope in her eyes.
"Yes, that is exactly what we are going to do. We are going to help you understand what is at the root of what makes you act out like you do, and we will work on the steps to heal you so that you can feel whole again" Dr. Jamison smile with such warmth that it made Penny feel comforted.
"Thank you. I really do want to heal and be whole. I think then I can be who Leonard needs" Penny said.
"We are doing this first for you, Penny. If Leonard benefits down the road, great, but you need to want this for you and no one else first. Can you do that?" Dr. Jamison asked.
"Yes, and of course I want it for me. You are right. I shouldn't be thinking about wanting to be complete for anyone but myself right now." Penny knew she wanted Leonard back, but that the doctor was right. She first had to want it for herself.
"So you said earlier that you felt undesirable, hurt and yet deep down relieved in a way, when you had this encounter with Sheldon" Dr. Jamison started. "Can you tell me a little bit more about what you mean there?"
"Well we talked about the undesirable and I still don't understand that. Sheldon has been clear he has never desired me since I have known him. Why his rejection should make me feel undesirable is a puzzlement. I really don't want him to desire me. So perhaps you can help me understand that more." Penny looked up at the doctor to make sure she was making a note about it. "Then I was hurt because I had been rejected. I don't take rejection well and I think that whatever made me hurt was really about the lack of feeling desirable. I think they were mixed together. So maybe we can figure those out together" Again she looked up at the doctor to make sure she was making notes.
Receiving the confirming nod from the doctor she continued. "I know deep down I felt relieved. I felt like a part of me knew what I was doing was wrong and was glad he rejected me because I wanted to be faithful to Leonard. Plus just the mere thought of touching Sheldon is gross in itself" Penny shuddered.
"Okay, well Penny I think we have a lot of things that we can work on just from this alone. Perhaps as we explore these things, we will learn about other things that will help us on the journey to get you feeling whole again" Dr. Jamison encouraged.
"So what are the next steps?"
"Penny, I would like to start seeing you twice a week starting in two days. We are out of time today, but please schedule your next appointment in two days with the receptionist and we will try to sort through all of this. You are a strong and beautiful woman and a very intelligent woman. I am sure we can get to the root of this soon and then we can put together a healing plan for you so that it won't be so costly to come here." Dr. Jamison could see that Penny was young and probably not wealthy and that she probably didn't have great health insurance coverage. So she was trying to be as honest as she could. She knew Penny needed quite a bit of therapy, but she now had an understanding of what Penny needed and so would focus purely on getting to the root of the problem so they could develop a plan that Penny could work through on her own with just occasional visits to get through the healing process.
They shook hands and Penny turned to the doctor and said "Thank you. I am glad I came today. I have more hope today than I have had in a long time. I look forward to see you in a couple of days." With that she turned and head toward the front desk to reschedule her next appointment.
Cheer s for reading
Next chapter will be up later today or tomorrow
