Po, the Harem Master

Part 6: Po and The Escape of Tai Lung

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Tai Lung hung around in his supposedly inescapable bonds as the Rhino Guards chit-chat more than a few stories above him.

"Hey, I've heard that Grand Master Oogway has chosen a Dragon Warrior. It's a PANDA."

"Panda?" asked the other, "I thought all the Pandas were dead and gone."

Tai Lung smiles. It was almost time to escape. It was almost time to destroy the one who had ruined his life more or less just because TAI LUNG WAS NOT CHOSEN TO BE THE DRAGON WARRIOR. He would make the fool, whoever he was, suffer before he would die at the Leopard's own hands. It would be right to make Shifu and Oogway suffer for not giving him his due. He at least hoped that this poser would manage to give him a respectable battle before the end came.

"Too bad we spend almost every minute standing around here making sure one little leopard doesn't escape this place," mused the first.

"Hey," replied the second, "We get paid a lot of good silver to watch over someone who is never going to escape."

...

Po finally got back to his room. He felt like he had been run over by a herd of water buffalo followed by a herd of rhino. While Shifu assured him that the training room was set on the lowest level, and that Masters Crane, Monkey and Mantis were 'going easy' on him, the Thundering Wind Hammer hurt him less than they did.

Scorpion was waiting for him when he got there. "Did you have a rough day?" she asked.

"Very."

"Well why don't you lay down on the cot," she said, "And I'll make you feel all better."

Po flopped down onto the cot like a sack of potatoes. He was laying on his stomach. Scorpion scrambled up onto his back. She used her claws to poke him in the back about 2 dozen times from the base of his neck to the base of his tail. He winced at the first few hits, but he seemed to be rather relaxed by the time she was finished.

"You're really beat up," she mused, "What army did you piss off?"

"The Shifu army."

"And Grand Master Oogway put up with this?" she asked incredulously.

"He wasn't there," he answered, "Shifu said he was away meditating or something."

"Well, I think this calls for my full set of acupuncture needles. Give me a minute to get them."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Po's stomach growled while he lay on the cot.

"Well I don't think I like this Shifu. He's an arrogant S-O-B, snobbish and full of himself. Why should anyone be surprised that Tai Lung turned out like he did?"

"Isn't that just a little harsh?"

"I don't think so. He's treating you like dirt because he thinks you don't belong in his high and mighty circle of Kung Fu Masters. Oogway is much wiser and kinder. I hope he runs the Jade Palace for a long time, because Shifu would throw my carapace out on the street faster than you can sneeze."

"Oh, I really don't think Shifu's all that bad. He's just a little stuffy and set in his ways. Deep down, he cares a lot about the Furious Five. I'm willing to give him a chance."

"It's lucky one of us is."

She had returned with the acupuncture needles by then. Spreading his arms out, she began loading his shoulders, back, and backside with her jade handled acupuncture needles. There was easily 100 needles in Po by the time she was done.

"Wow," moaned Po, "This is really relaxing."

...

"I've never seen such stamina and perseverance", muttered Monkey, "Po has taken a beating that would have sent Crane crying home to his mommy."

"Hey!" objected Crane.

"Yeah," agreed Mantis, "His stamina alone could make him a Kung Fu Master in the Bear Style of Kung Fu."

"He's just to stupid to know when to quit," growled Shifu.

"I don't think you're being fair to him."

"I'm an excellent judge of character," he snarled, "and I know an inept fake when I see one! He could not even be taken into the Jade Palace as a beginner let alone as the Dragon Warrior!"

"Still, you could get in trouble if the Grand Master finds out what you've been up to."

"So who's going to tell him?!"

"Well d'uh, the Universe speaks to him. I sometimes wonder if he sees and knows all."

Shifu pause to consider Mantis' words. "Well I shall accept the consequence of my actions as soon as the Universe tattles on me and Oogway confronts me about it. Until then, it's our little secret."

"Do you think Tigress or Viper might squeal?" asked Monkey, "They did seem a more than a bit upset with you earlier."

"No," he replied evenly, "I'm pretty sure I know them well enough to know they aren't squealers. Their loyalty to me has so far been unquestioned."

"Besides," said Crane, "We all know that Master Shifu is Tigress' father in every way but bloodline."

"Wait a minute," said Monkey, "Are you worried your little tigress might be falling for the big soft Panda since he's been chosen as the Dragon Warrior, Master Shifu?"

"Don't be absurd! Tigress doesn't have time to think about such things, and even if she did, that big fat Panda would most certainly be at the bottom of her list!"

"I think someone's just a little defensive..."

"Don't make me upset!" scowled Shifu, "You wouldn't like me when I'm upset!"

"You just can't take a joke, can you?"

Shifu breathed steadily for a few minutes before answering more calmly, "When it comes to Tigress,.. I can not."

"Sorry if I crossed any lines there."

"No," he sighed, "It's my fault for being too emotional about her. That's why I never openly express any feelings for her. It's not good that a Master and Student are emotionally attached. They have to maintain a good, professional relationship at all times."

"Besides, Tigress just has to know you care about her at some level."

"I suppose you're right about that."

"So has the Grand Master announced when Tai Lung will escape yet?"

"No," said Shifu with a hint of frustration, "The visions are not clear enough yet. But it will be sooner rather than later. He's sure about that much, at least."

...

Tigress and Viper glanced into the Guest Room which had been turned over to Po and Scorpion to use as their own. They were slightly surprised to see Po laying on his stomach with his back full of fine quality acupuncture needles. Scorpion was using her spindly legs to move around Po's back without disturbing the needles she had placed there.

Po looked at him with one eye as he said, "Hey ladies, how's it shaking?"

"I am not shaking," said Tigress, "Why should I?"

"It's a saying."

"So have you come to see how well you beat my Po darling up?" asked Scorpion accusingly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Tigress.

"Oh don't I? I've seen more than enough brutal beatings and thuggish attacks in my day as an herbalist to know when someone's been worked over pretty good. So why don't you just drop the sweet and innocent act?"

"It's not like that," protested Tigress, "It's just that Master Shifu felt Po was ready for a higher level of training, seeing he's the Dragon Warrior and everything. There was only the best of intentions, I assure you. No one wants to see Po get hurt or fail."

"And if you believe that, then I'm the Empress."

"Believe whatever you want, Scorpion! We just stopped by to see how Po is doing! Nothing else!"

"You sound a little defensive there, sweetie."

"Well, I get defensive when my honor is questioned by anyone."

"I believe you, Tigress, as much as I believe in Scorpion or anyone else. Your word and your honor mean as much to me as my own. I will always believe someone from the Furious Five."

"Thank you, Dragon Warrior," said Tigress as she tried to hide her blush.

"Do you believe in me, Po?" asked Scorpion.

"Sure I do!"

"I feel so ashamed..." she said in a faltering voice.

"What's a matter?" asked Po.

"I have to say the truth. Back at the stadium... I blew up your Noodle Cart!" cried Scorpion as she burst into tears, "I wanted to hurt more people, but I dropped the bomb as soon as I lit it! Shifu is right to hate me! I hate myself!"

"And the only thing that matters is you're sorry you did it," he said softly, "I believe you're truly sorry for what you did, so I forgive you."

"You... don't... hate me?" she sobbed, "You have... every right... to hate me!"

"Of course I don't. You shouldn't hate yourself either as long as you always strive to improve yourself. Master Oogway forgave you, and I'm sure he knew what really happened. He knows you're truly sorry and he is willing to give you another chance. I can't do anything less."

Scorpion moved to Po's face, hugged his muzzle with her pincers (gently), and pressed her forehead against his as she released all her pain and guilt in a flood of tears.

Tigress turned away to wipe her eyes.

"There there," said Po, "Let it all out. You'll feel better." Then he said to Tigress and Viper, "Perhaps you should come back later. I think Quiong Qi could use a little... privacy."

"I understand," said Viper, "Let's go, Tigress."

Tigress nodded as the two of them left.

"Oh, and Tigress? Viper?"

"Yes?" asked Tigress as she paused in her egress without looking back.

"Please don't tell that to Master Shifu or the rest of the Furious Five. I'm sure he's just dying to find a reason to banish poor Scorpion again."

"We won't say a thing," she answered as she resumed her exit with Viper at her heels.

...

Grand Master Oogway meditated at the Peach Tree high on top of the hill. He was one with the Universe, seeking answers to the Tai Lung problem they would soon be facing. In the cosmic mix of things, he knew that the Dragon Warrior played a part, but the nature of his actions were still a deep and dark mystery even to one of the greatest Kung Fu Masters of all time.

He pause to asked, "Can I help you, Master Shifu?"

"I want your permission to personally go to Chorh-Gom Prison and make sure that Tai Lung does not escape his confinement there."

"If it will give you peace of mind, then go," he said, "but first tell me how the training of the Dragon Warrior is proceeding."

"Well," said Shify as he coached his words very carefully, "He has vast amounts of stamina and a lot of perseverance. But he's learning Kung Fu slowly. I'm not sure that just being able to endure a beating is all that it would take to beat Tai Lung."

"I understand," he answered slowly, "So before you go, I want you to turn over the training of the Dragon Warrior to Master Tigress and Master Viper."

Shifu almost questioned his Master's wisdom, but then he smiled as he replied, "As you wish."

"I'm glad you didn't question me this time."

"Master, I'm truly sorry that I ever did."

"Good. The Universe knows what its doing, and sometimes it shares that wisdom with me, a humble listener and petitioner."

"I hope some day that the Universe will talk to me, too."

"All you have to do is open your mind and listen to what the Universe has to say. But you cannot do that until you know what true peace of mind and soul is."

"And I'm sorry you'll be long gone before that happens."

"I am sorry about that too, but wherever the afterlife takes me, I shall know when the day comes that the Universe speaks to you. It will tell me so."

...

Shifu had gathered the Furious Five in the Jade Palace courtyard with no reason given. They all stood at attention in line as they waited for Shifu to address them. For some reason, he wasn't even mad that Scorpion was resting on Po's head.

"I am leaving immediately for Chorh-Gom Prison to make sure that Tai Lung has not escaped. By the orders of the Grand Master, Master Tigress and Master Viper shall train the Dragon Warrior while I am not here."

"Me?" asked Tigress and Viper as one.

"Yes, the task falls to you. I don't expect you to go easy on him. He must be ready to fight Tai Lung when the time comes, so this mission is of critical importance. Am I making myself clear?"

"Of course, Master!" they shouted as one.

"Very good," he said as he slipped on a small backpack, "This shouldn't take more than... a week or so. I wish you all well while I'm gone."

"Don't you want to take Monkey, Mantis or Crane with you?" asked Viper.

"No," he replied, "I should be just fine on my own. Thank you for asking." He started out the gates, but then paused as he said over his shoulder, "And Tigress? I just want you to know that you've always been like my adopted daughter to me. You're all a little like my own children, but Tigress is the one most close to me. Don't take that for sentiment, it's just the way it is."

Tigress stood even straighter as she said, "Yes Master!" She paused before she said quietly, "Yes, my father. I'll always try to make you proud."

"I can never be ashamed or disappointed in you, Tigress, as long as you believe in yourself as much as I believe in you." He paused again as he added, "None of you better be crying! There's no crying in Kung Fu!"

"Yes Master!" they all said as one.

Tigress turned to Po and said, "Let's go back to the training room. I'm sure you'll do much better now that's you're more familiar with the equipment." And she thought to herself, 'combined with the fact I'm turning the difficulty level way down from what it was last time.'

"Awesome!" he said practically dancing around, "I feel truly honored that the most trained and honed member of the Furious Five is training me personally! And you're awesome too, Master Viper!"

Tigress blushed slightly at his praise, but she wouldn't let him see.

True to her words (and intentions), Po did much better on the training equipment than he did on the first day. Tigress even had to crank it up a few levels just to keep Po challenged, and that did make her and Viper rather proud of his progress.

Po and the Furious Five came together at one table for dinner that night. The Dragon Warrior surprised everyone by making the family noodle recipe for them. Although she still thought they were too rich, even Tigress came back for seconds. They all wondered how Mantis could pack away more food than the size of his own body, but no one ever bothered to ask him about it.

But things changed after Po slipped onto his cot for the night. Instead of being under it, Scorpion chose to sleep on Po's head. A few hours later, he was awakened when he heard Master Viper slithering into his room.

"Hey Master Viper," he said with a yawn, "What can I do ya for?"

"I'm sorry to impose," she said awkwardly, "but I can't sleep. May I curl up on your stomach again?"

"Are you cold here?"

"No," she replied, "I've had these nightmares about Tai Lung. They seem so real to me. It bothers me to my core. In my dreams... he... he... KILLS YOU!"

"Aw," he said softly, "You're worried about little old me?"

"Yes I am."

"Alirght," he said as he lifted his cover, "Come here and curl up. The Dragon Warrior will beat up all of your dream monsters for you."

"Thank you so much," she said as she slipped under the cover, curled up on his belly and closed her eyes, "Good night, Dragon Warrior."

"Good night, my little Princess."

Viper opened one eye for a few seconds, and then shut them again.

What they didn't know was that Tigress had followed Viper after she got out of her own cot, and was spying on them just outside Po's doorway. 'Sleep tight, Master Viper,' she thought, 'If anyone can keep you safe, it's the Dragon Warrior.' She slipped back to her own room before she was noticed.

The next day, Viper seemed well rested as they all showed up for a sticky bun and Oolong Tea breakfast. Even Scorpion was there making Mantis a little nervous because she had chosen to sit between him and Po.

"Say," he asked, "Any word from Master Shifu?"

"No," said Tigress, "He should be arriving tomorrow at the Prison to check up on Tai Lung. I'm sure he'll send us a message by pigeon courier if anything is wrong there. So let's get right back to the training, shall we?"

"Are you using the training room again?" asked Crane.

"No," she replied, "We'll be in the courtyard all day. It's time for some live sparing with some real weapons, Dragon Warrior."

"Sweet!" he replied.

"I can't promise you won't get hurt today."

"And no promises are expected, either."

"I want to watch," said Scorpion who then thought, 'So you won't try to seriously hurt Po again. You'll know my displeasure if I think you're out to hurt him again. Hopefully with that jerk Shifu gone, they won't be so mean to my darling Po.'

"That's fine," said Viper, "There won't be any Kung Fu secrets today anyways."

"Sweet!" exclaimed Po.

Master Tigress, Master Viper and Scorpion all went out to train or watch Po while the rest of the Furious Five went off to use the training room all day.

...

The days seemed to pass quickly for Shifu as he made his way to the prison. He trekked his way into the Dragon's Teeth Mountains until the Chorh-Gom Prison, one of the greatest prisons ever built, came into view. And it was all for one prisoner than everyone believed they could not execute. It was no code of morals that stopped it, but instead it was just how powerful Tai Lung's Kung Fu was.

He showed his authorization note to the guards at the gate even though he was well known on sight by now. There was many visits to make sure Tai Lung was still safely locked up. Sometimes, they would even let the two of them speak privately for a while. It wasn't like Tai Lung had anywhere to go.

Shifu was half tempted to count the 1,000 armed rhino Prison Guards as he was taken to the elevator that would lower him by ropes and pulleys all the way down the hundreds of feet of shaft that separated Tai Lung from the outside world. But his instincts already had told them that ALL of the Guards were in fact present. The Head Guard came along with Shifu as an escort as well as a Royal Messenger pigeon, because no one was truly allowed to be completely alone at the lowest level with Tai Lung.

But the Head Guard and the Royal Messenger did stay on the elevator platform as Shifu advanced on his former student.

"Here to gloat and rub it in?" he asked in a subdued voice, as part of his restraints even kept his voice down so he couldn't do the Dragon Shout.

"You've heard about the Dragon Warrior then?"

"Yes, I've heard it turned out to be the last Panda in the land."

"He's fat, lazy and won't last long."

"I want to meet him myself," he mused, "to see what all the fuss is about. To give me something to think about other than your betrayal all those years ago."

"Damn you!" cursed Shifu, "You know I always thought I was training YOU to be the Dragon Warrior! I always thought you would be the one! But I can't go against the will of Grand Master Oogway, and you damn well know that too!"

His outburst made the Head Guard look up from his comic scroll for a moment.

"Well, Oogway won't be around forever, will he now?"

"No, he's ancient, and he knows his time is coming up shortly."

"I'm sorry I got so angry when Oogway stole my birthright. I wasn't right of me to kill all those... innocents who got in my way..."

"If it were up to me, I'd say you've done your time by now," sighed Shifu, "I'd say you've repaid your debts to society. You could be reformed once you're outside of this deep and smelly hole in the ground. But sadly, that choice is also never mine to make."

"I know, my former Master," he mused, "and perhaps my future Master. You would take me back as your number one student, right?"

"In less than a heartbeat, I would."

"I assure you, we'll be Master and Student again before you even know it."

"You can't escape from here, you know."

"I know, but..." The sentence was not completed. Shifu turned and began to walk back to the elevator once he was sure that the inescapable bonds were still... inescapable.

"Oh," asked Tai Lung, "How is my sweet Tigress doing?"

"Please don't talk like that about someone you've never even met," answered Shifu curtly, "and she is doing well. Quite well. Her training takes place every day. Another day she lives and breathes for the art of Kung Fu, She will never surpass you, but she is still a Master and may well turn out to be a Grand Master one of these days."

"I still look forward to the day I can finally meet her in person."

Shifu shivered at those words, but not because he was cold or anything. He looked at his former student long and hard as the elevator was pulled back up to the surface. What they didn't see was the loose feather from the Messenger that drifted over the edge and down into the pit. But that feather did not go unnoticed by Tai Lung. With a little breath control, he made the feather land on the big toe of his right foot. He would soon be free at last.

A message was composed to be sent ahead of Shifu back to the Jade Palace. Once again, he would make his own journey on foot over the course of another three days.

The next day, Tai Lung would escape, leaving half the guards dead and the other half crippled. He began his trek back to the Jade Palace as well. More messengers would spread new of his escape across the land, but Shifu wouldn't know about it until it was too late to do anything about it. He hoped in his heart that the new Dragon Warrior and the Furious Five would all come out to 'welcome him back home'.