Po, the Harem Master

Part 8: Po, Mei Ling and the Ladies of the Shade

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Po checked up on Fenghuang the next morning after breakfast. He even brought her some tea, sticky buns and rice on a tray.

"Good morning, Master Po," she said softly as she looked down.

"Hey, I may be the Dragon Warrior, but I'm no Master... yet."

He offered her the tea thinking he would have to hold it for her, but she surprised him by taking the clay glass in her foot and drinking it herself.

"Feeling better?"

"If you're talking about my wings, yes. If you're talking about my heart, then no."

"Your heart is injured?!" he asked as he pressed his ear into her breast feathers.

"No, not hurt like that!" she replied, wondering how he could be so clueless, "I meant I have feelings for someone! I've never had feelings for anyone since I left my parents home to learn Kung Fu from the Jade Palace!" She paused before she continued more slowly and calmly, "I was... a natural... you know... a real child prodigy."

"So who's this lucky guy?" he asked as he lifted his head a mere inch from her beak.

"The one who saved my life," she answered, "This guy who risked his life for me even though I've did not do anything kind for him." She looked for a spark of recognition in his eyes, but not seeing any. "He went way out of his way just to help me." Still nothing but a clueless smile. "IT'S YOU, YOU DOLT!" Being so close, he could hardly avoid when she pressed her beak against his lips in a deep and passionate kiss.

Tigress stuck her head in the door to ask, "It's almost time to train, Po. So how's our guest doing?.. ACK!"

She saw Po flailing his arms about as the owl kissed him, her talons holding him by the chest against her, and a cup of tea spilled on the floor next to them. Stalking over, she used her strength and her large arms to separate the two of them.

"Po!" she scolded, "We don't really have time for this!"

"Don't blame the Panda," said the owl, "It was my doing and mine alone. I had to express my feelings to the one who saved my life, after all, and he treated me like a lady even though I had done nothing to deserve it... Oh, and I'm sorry about the whole Princess and the tying you up thing..."

Tigress blushed when she remembered how she was all but stripped and tied to bamboo trees when she and the Princess were saved from Fenghuang by the Panda. She shook her head to banish such thoughts as she simply replied, "It's all water under the bridge now." Looking at the blush in the cheeks of both Po and Fenghuang, she realized that they needed to be separated for a while.

"We need to do some special training today," she blurt out.

"I could watch," offered the owl, "After all, I can certainly offer pointers even with my wings stuck in these slings."

"It's kind to offer," said Tigress quickly, "but the special training today is taking place in the village down below, and not up here at the Jade Palace."

"Training down in the village?" he asks, "That does sound..."

"Suspicious?" asked Fenghuang softly as she popped a bun in her mouth.

"AWESOME!"

"So Master Viper and I shall take you down to the village as soon as you're ready to leave. I'm sure that someone like Master Fenghuang should be alright by herself for one day?"

"Hey," said Po, "I'm sure my buddy Quiong Qi would be glad to come in and check in and Fenghuang now and then!"

"You know the Scorpion?" asked the Owl.

"Oh sure," he replied, "We've been buddies since she threatened to poison me and hide out in my Dad's Noodle Shop."

"You're a real charmer," she mused, "You know that?"

"I'm what now?"

"Never mind," she replied as she thought, 'He really is clueless!'

"Let me pour you some more tea first," he said as he got her a new cup and poured her some more tea. It was lucky there was a spare cup and a hot teapot there, as the clay cups were cheap, and tended to break fairly easily.

"Hurry Po," said Tigress, "We need to go... as soon as possible."

"I promise I'll be back in time to bring you dinner and check up on you," he said as he waved, and stepped towards the doorway.

"I'll be waiting," she answered.

"I need to go and see if Master Viper is ready," said Tigress as she looked around, "Go wait for us in the Palace Courtyard, won't you?"

"As soon as I ask Quiong Qi to check up on Fenghuang regularly," he answered.

"Just do it quickly," she replied as she moved off towards Viper's room. Making sure he was out of sight and most likely out of hearing range, she leaned close to Viper's door and said, "Master Viper, are you in?"

"Yes," she replied, "I'm just getting ready, but you can come in now."

Tigress stepped in and she said in a hushed, but hurried voice, "Help me. I don't know what to do. When I saw Po and Fenghuang acting too friendly together, I panicked and said we had to take Po down to the village for 'special training'. All I could think about was getting those two separated from each other. What should I do?"

"Special training, huh?" asked Viper, "Oh, I have a few ideas what we can do in the village as far as special training goes."

"You're the best," sighed Tigress as she gave Viper a little hug and kiss on the cheek.

"We lady Masters have to stick together, you know."

"Uh, you do remember that Fenghuang is a girl, right?"

"Oh..." muttered Viper, "I see your point..."

...

Some time later, Po, Tigress and Viper had walked down to the village, and they were standing just outside Mister Ping's Noodle Shop.

"Oh boy," said Po, "Lunch! So where are we going for this 'special training', anyways?"

Tigress glanced at Viper and wondered when she planned to share that knowledge herself.

"We're here now," she said as she slithered into the front area.

"Uh, we're using a Noodle Shop for special training?" asked Po and Tigress as one.

"Yes we are," she replied as she slithered towards the kitchen area, "Now I need a moment to speak to Mister Ping. I believe he's your father, isn't he?"

"Well yes he is," came Po's answer.

"Very well."

Mister Ping seemed surprised to see a snake in his kitchen. He was slowly reaching for a butcher knife when she said, "Don't worry, I'm from the Jade Palace. We need you help in training your son, Po, to be the Dragon Warrior."

"How can a humble Noodle Shop help train the Dragon Warrior?" he asked as he relaxed and stopped reaching for the knife.

"We need Po to make a very special batch of noodles," she replied, "I'm sure the Jade Palace can pay you for the use of your kitchen for an hour or so."

"Well, what about the ingredients?"

"Oh, we're going shopping for those right now."

"Well, if it will help my son become the Dragon Warrior, I guess I can't say no."

"Thank you," she replied, "Now we'll be gone a little while shopping. Hopefully we'll return here after the lunchtime rush."

He nodded as she slithered back into the front area.

"Before we can begin the special training," said Viper, "We need to buy some things from the market area. I believe I have more than enough to cover..."

"But you gave me all of your allowance to pay for the Noodle Cart," he interrupted.

"That's all right," said Tigress, "I'm sure I can cover the costs."

So the three of them headed out to the market.

...

Mei Ling, the fox, was cruising the market looking for rumors about valuable things to steal when she saw the ladies with the umbrellas from back at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony. There was 6 this time. She had made herself a load of silver stealing from one of them after she had picked a whole row of silver purses from people up in the bleachers of the stadium. As far as thieves go, they weren't as nearly good as they thought they were. She figured that they must hunt in packs to make up for their lack of individual skills. She wondered if she could just might make some more money off them.

She moved closer to see what they were saying to each other. They were together in a huddle, and using their umbrellas to keep their activities from being seen from the outside. It also made it a little harder to hear what they were saying to each other, but on the other hand, it made it so much easier to sneak closer and overhear them.

"Pickings around here are kind of slim," said Su, "but I think we can do much better at this place I've heard about: The Jade Palace."

"What's that?" asked Song.

"It sounds cool," added Dance.

"Some really old place where they've been teaching Kung Fu for hundreds of years," replied Su, "I'm sure they've built up a huge collection of treasures and trophies by now. We could make a killing there if we could just find a way inside."

'So they haven't stolen much of anything yet' thought Mei Ling, 'I'd do better just to follow them and see if they can find their own way into the Jade Palace. They would not trust me if I just walked over and volunteered my services to them.'

"We should do something in the meantime," suggested Song, "Maybe if we perform near the Jade Palace, we might get the attention of someone at the place."

"A good idea," replied Su, "Let's find an open place near the stairs up to the place. Be sure to keep an eye open for anyone coming or going to the Jade Palace."

The rest of them nodded.

...

"Let me see," said Viper, "We should be sure we have enough flour, semolina, and of course, water. Once we have made the noodles, we can proceed to the broth and the vegetables. For the broth, we need olive oil, celery, onion, carrots, green onion, garlic, parsley, thyme and bay leaf. Then we need the ginger, canola oil, mushrooms, red peppers, bok choy, firm Doufu, rice vinegar, soy sauce and the toasted sesame oil plus some of the other ingredients we haven't used up in the broth."

Po panted under the load of things they had purchased so far. He had been hauling around the every growing load of raw food for at least a few hours. The mass of their purchases seemed like it was a ton, even though it really wasn't anywhere near that much. It seemed like they had enough stuff to make noodle soup for a small army.

"That seems like everything," said Tigress, "so now what?"

"We go back to the Noodle Shop," said Viper, "and Po starts cooking."

"What are we doing?" asked Po, "Feeding every poor person in the whole village?"

"Why yes. Yes we are. The Dragon Warrior must posses the spirit of charity, you know."

"How's this going to help me beat Tai Lung?"

"You cannot best an enemy unless you are in the proper mindset, and this will help you keep your mind in balance while you are fighting against Tai Lung. It may come down to having you fight Master Shifu as well, you know."

"Fight Master Shifu?" he asked incredulously.

"I know it is hard to believe," she replied evenly, "but since he has disappeared along with Tai Lung, I have no choice but to believe the two of them are now working together to undermine the will of Grand Master Oogway, and install Tai Lung as the Dragon Warrior. Who knows what might happen if he should be the one to learn the secrets of the Legendary Dragon Scroll."

Po shivered at her words.

"He may well convince Master Shifu that Po and the Furious Five must be destroyed to make that dream come true as well. Shifu know that Oogway's time in this world is short, so he may well bide his time before attacking, waiting to hear the news of the Grand Master's passage into the next world."

"Then we just have to make sure that his passing on remains a secret," said Po.

"We can do that for a while," she replied, "but the news will get around soon enough. It is essential that we must have you ready well in advance of that day."

"Then let's get on with the special training, shall we?"

Tigress and Viper nodded as Po hauled the load over to the Noodle Shop.

...

"What kind of nonsense is this?!" asked Mister Ping, "I'm not allowed to sell these noodles?!" He looked over to where Po was kneading the noodle dough.

"That is correct," said Viper, "You have already been compensated for your time, your restaurant space, and the use of your kitchen. This food is for the poor who could not otherwise afford to eat here."

"Well how do you know that they're really poor?"

"We shall ask them, and take them at their word for it."

"Some people are liars, you know."

"I know, and yet most of the people who will come here this evening will be poor and hungry. The ones who are wealthy enough to feed themselves well will not wish to be seen around the likes of the underclass. They are too vain to do so."

"All right," he said, "but this is all confusing to me. I still need to replace my Noodle Cart that was blown up at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony, you know."

"You have been compensated to the best of our abilities. It seems that you need to cultivate your spirit of compassion as well."

"I'd rather have the spirit of profit."

"Profits will not help you in the next life."

"But profits will help me from having to worry about the next life for a number of years more."

"We shall all go there eventually. There are no exceptions."

"All right, assuming all of that is true, then why can't I help my own son with the cooking?!"

"Because this is his own test," said Tigress, "and he would not learn what he has to if you were to help him out with it. No one is allowed to help him in this task."

"It all seems rather pointless," he groaned, "but you set the rules, and I guess I'll just have to live with them. What else can I do?"

"You can go around town and spread the word about the free noodles to the poor and hungry. That would be a great service indeed."

"Fine, but there's not enough time to make fliers."

"Those will not be necessary. Word of mouth should suffice."

"Only one of us needs to remain and make sure Po is learning what he has to," said Viper, "Perhaps I should help Mister..."

"No," interrupted Tigress, "You know more about cooking than I. It is you who should supervise the Dragon Warrior. I shall help Mister Ping spread the word around the village."

"Thank you, Master Tigress."

...

Things were not going very well for the Ladies of the Shade. Even though their performance was all but flawless, the people did not have many silvers to show their appreciation of their act. On top of that, there was just no traffic to or from the Jade Palace. But things turned around when a goose came around, because he was being followed by Master Tigress.

"Excuse me," he said, "I am Mister Ping from the Noodle Shop down the street. There's going to be free noodles later for the poor and hungry. If you are poor or hungry, please fell free to join us."

"Why is Master Tigress with you?" asked Su.

"Oh, this is some kind of crazy test for my son."

"Your son?" asked Song.

"He was chosen by the Universe to be the Dragon Warrior," offered Tigress, "This is a test of his humbleness and willingness to help those in need."

"Hey, he's the Panda who was at the Dragon Warrior Ceremony, wasn't he?" asked Dance.

"He was."

"Well, I think Voiceless would certainly like to meet him again." She glanced over at Voiceless, who seemed to blush as she looked down at her feet for some reason.

"Very well," said Mister Ping, "But it's going to be really crowded. There might not be enough room for people just there to socialize."

"Oh, we'll be there for the food," said Su, "We haven't had a decent performance payoff in days, and none of us has had anything but water for at least a whole day." Then she thought, 'We could go back to our own village, but that's a couple of days away from here. And I think we just found ourselves the ticket we need to get into the Jade Palace.'

After Ping and Tigress left, Su leaned over to Song and said, "This is our big chance. When we stop by for the free food, I need you to charm the trousers off that big fat Panda. Do whatever it takes to make him like you. We need the Dragon Warrior to get into the Jade Palace so we can rob them blind."

"Why do I get all of the flirtation jobs?" she asked.

"Because I run the Ladies of the Shade, so I don't have the time to do it all myself. Other than me, you're the most charming Lady of the Shade I know."

"Sometimes that feels like a curse."

"Well we all have a burdens to carry, now don't we?"

"I suppose."

The foxy Mei Ling was still watching and listening from the shadows as she thought, 'Perhaps I should take a crack at charming this Dragon Warrior myself. I certainly could think of a few ways I can use this Dragon Warrior against that stuffed shirt, Master Shifu. I still don't know what I really saw in him, other than his Kung Fu. Opposites attract, I suppose. And damn him, I still like him even though he broke up with me!"

...

By the time the Noodle Soup was ready to serve, there was at least a hundred poor and hungry all stuffed into the sitting area of the Noodle Shop. Even the walls were lined with those who would rather eat standing up than wait for a table to open. A number of the people there were malnourished or they were bordering on starvation, or both. Even Scorpion was there, but not do much for the free food, but because she always had sympathy for the less fortunate. There was also Mei Ling, who didn't really look like she belonged there with her fine clothes, and the Ladies of the Shade as well.

"Good evening, everyone," said Po from over the counter between the kitchen and the sitting area, "As much as I hate to say this, only one bowl of noodles per customer. There just isn't enough for all of you to come back for seconds. I'm really sorry about that."

The crowd seemed to accept his explanation without making a fuss.

"So please form a single file line up to this window, and then find a place to eat. Seats go to those who get them first, but if you see someone who's old, frail, really young or a mother with a baby, I'd really appreciate it if those who are more fit give up your seat to them. Thank you."

The line began to form at the window as the people got there, but soon the line was backed up all the way into the street and around the corner. Po was serving the noodles up as fast as he could, but again he had to do it himself. No help was allowed, even from Mister Ping. The bowls were pretty cheap, the chopsticks were disposable, but still a number of bowls were returned when they were done with them. It took more than an hour to make sure everyone was served.

After the last was served, he felt a tug on his trousers. He looked down to see Voiceless, who was the smallest and youngest member of the Ladies of the Shade he had seen so far. Crouching down to be at eye level with her, he asked, "What can I do for you, sweetie?"

She simply leaned in and hugged Po tightly.

"Oh, I think someone's sweet on you," said someone nearby. Po glanced up into the doorway to see Song standing there. "I think I'm sweet on you, too."

He hugged Voiceless to his chest, and she came up with him when he stood up.

"Keep this up and you'll have yourself a fan club," said Viper from the corner she was curled up in.

"A Dragon Warrior fan club?" he mused aloud, "Now that would be so awesome!"

"We just wanted to thank you for your kindness to the community," said Song, "For all the kindness you've shown to Voiceless."

"Hey, that's just the kind of Panda I am."

"Well anyways, little Voiceless has communicated with me her deep desire to see the Jade Palace with her fellow sisters."

"She communicates how?" asked Viper.

"I taught her to use a brush and ink as soon as her voice box healed," replied Song, "Voiceless is one of the best calligraphers in the Village of the Shade now."

Voiceless smiled.

"Well," he mused, "I'm sorry, but I'll have to consult with the other Masters. It's not like I own the Jade Palace or anything."

"Grand Master Oogway does run the place," reminded Tigress.

"Could he be so cruel as to deny a request from a young lady with no voice?" asked Song.

"That would not be cruelty," said Tigress, "The Jade Palace was built for the Masters of Kung Fu. It is not open to the public, and it certainly is no tourist trap."

"Don't worry," said Po, "I'm in with the Grand Master. We're like... chummy. I'm sure he won't say no if the Dragon Warrior asks him."

Voiceless and Song smiled.

"I hope I'm not interrupting this tender moment," said Mei Ling who seemed to appear from nowhere.

"I don't remember serving you," observed Po.

"Of course not," she replied, "I am neither poor nor hungry."

"Can I help you then?"

"No," she said back, "but I can help you." She tossed Po a rather large bag of silver coin. "Use this money to help the poor, or any other way you see fit to."

"That's real nice of you," he said, "How can I repay you?"

"Tell me how Master Shifu is doing," she said evenly.

"Master Shifu..." said Po awkwardly as he glanced towards Viper, "He's out of town. On a Kung Fu pilgrimage. Yeah, hush hush Kung Fu stuff!"

"Well then," she mused, "If I could see just the Jade Palace too, that would be all the repayment I could ever need from you."

"I can get you in," he said back confidently, "After all, the Universe choose me to be the Awesome Dragon Warrior!"

"Thank you," she answered, "You're too kind." She also thought, 'and too stupid. He can't even tell that the Ladies of the Shade and I are playing him for a fool!'

"Come up to the Jade Palace around noon or so, and I'll be sure to let you all in."

Voiceless kissed Po on the cheek as Song slipped up and kissed his other cheek.

"Are you sure the Grand Master would agree to this?" asked Viper.

"Sure! What harm could it possibly do?!"

...

Mei Ling and the Ladies of the Shade stood outside the Jade Palace Gates. All the Ladies of the Shade were carrying their umbrellas with them as well. It was past noon, and they were beginning to feel like they had been stood up when the gates burst open, and Po rushed out to meet them.

"I'm so sorry I'm late!" he said, "Making lunch for the Furious Five took longer than I thought it would!"

"No apologies are needed, Dragon Warrior," said Su, "We already know that you're taking time from your busy schedule just to show us around."

"Come in," he said, "Come on in."

They came in and were surprised to see that the Furious Five, Scorpion, Master Fenghuang, and even the Grand Master Oogway were all there to greet them. The owl still had her wings in slings, but she seemed to be moving around well enough on her own now.

Po picked up Voiceless and all but shoved her in the Grand Master's face as he asked, "Can you use your mystical Chi powers to fix her voice?"

"I wish I could," replied Oogway, "but I cannot just make organs like a voice box grow back from nothing. There's just not enough to work with here."

Voiceless nodded as Po put her back down.

"I can understand you," said Su, "but why is everyone else here? We certainly aren't that important."

"Well, I haven't shown Scorpion or Fenghuang around the Palace yet... and I'm not sure about the others. I guess it's just custom for everyone to greet guests at the gate."

'And make sure nothing gets stolen,' thought Tigress as she looked over the Ladies of the Shade.

'I wonder if Oogway remembers me,' thought Mei Ling, 'but judging by the vacant stare, I don't think he does.'

Song picked up Voiceless and put her on Po's back as she said, "Voiceless here looks up to you like the big brother she never had." She glanced at the blush on Voiceless as she clung to his back, and then she mused, "Oh, did I say too much about that?"

Po gripped her legs under the knees as he said, "Don't worry about it. I was an only child, and I'd love to have someone think of me as Big Brother."

"It is nice to meet you all," said the Grand Master, "but I really must get back to my meditations under the Peach Tree. I'm sure that Po and the Furious Five will take good care of you all." He turned and slowly walked away.

"Hey, let's all go see the Training Hall, where they do all that... Kung Fu-ish stuff!"

Tigress leaned over to Viper and asked softly, "Master Oogway let Po out of training for today for this kind of stuff?"

"Who knows how the mind of a Grand Master works," she replied.